Another Fun Year on Ward Gossip - Thanks to the Brethren

When I started this blog back in 2009 I never dreamt it would be around five years later.

But here we are at the end of 2014 and Ward Gossip is still running strong. It's that little mechanical bunny and the Brethren are the battery that makes it keep on going.

Sure I had to fill in here and there. With bizarre family dramas, fun Ex-Mormon gatherings and excursions, memories of shitty weekends and stupid Relief Society lessons, another joyous birth, and a very sad loss, missionary moments, some odd LDS corporate policies, a return to my Vagina Testimony, a long overdue "person of the year" award, and a bit of recent diplomacy between LDS Inc. and Park City, UT.

But most weeks the Brethren and their disciples wrote the copy for me. Starting in February with that uber-sensitive website, Gays and BYU. Which led to some thoughtful discussion amongst the faithful about The Gay Agenda. After that, believers were shocked to learn that church headquarters was no longer promising them a planet! Then an outrageous article in The Friend provided me with what may be my best post ever. And here's the thing. I barely had to write it!

Every Saturday night while her family was wallowing in smut, Lucy called her Primary teacher and asked for a ride to church. Sister Gomez always said yes.

Then the fun really started when some actual Mormon feminists decided they wanted to be ordained. Try as they might, the Brethren could not dissuade them. Not even with crafts!

"This new craft thing is a crock of (expletive deleted),"  Mildred Peabody, a Salt Lake City tax attorney, told The News. "Makes me want to hot glue the First Presidency to a giant flannel board."

And I say cheers to them all! Especially Kate Kelly .

In an apparent effort to deflect the bad PR over the Ordain Women debacle, the Brethren embarked on an anti-Gay marriage tour. It failed to engage the faithful.

"I've been worried about the rising sea level that threatens my farmland," 47-year-old Hans of Denmark said. "But last night the Brethren told us we should be up in arms over gay marriage. I don't understand. Am I being selfish?"

Likewise the suggestion of another Romney presidential campaign.

"I work in an all-Mormon office and my desk is by the copy machine," said Samuel Petersen, an ExMormon from Sandy, Utah. "I don't care if I lose my job. He runs again and I'm going off the grid."

Obviously in crisis mode, church PR amped up the momentum with a member-driven social media blitz, followed by the release of a major motion picture, followed by an infomercial about Mormon underpants. When the aforementioned efforts flopped, the Brethren decided to cheer everybody up by releasing a statement about all of Joseph Smith's extramarital affairs. After that came a really scary message from the visiting teachers.

I call, I text, I stop by. When she doesn't answer, I stand on her front porch and belt out, Love at Home. When she still doesn't answer, I hot glue 50 packs of M&M's to her front door. I follow her on social media. I follow her to work, to the dentist, and to the mall. I wait in front of her bathroom stall at Nordstrom. But still I get nothing.

And let's not forget my interview with InsanaD, also her amazing address at this year's ExMormon Conference.

Torture for the Mormons, but sheer comic gold for bloggers like me.

So, as Elder Price sang, "What does the future hold?" I see more loud laughter, more lightmindedness, more evil speaking of the self-appointed, and definitely more blogging in 2015.

Happy New Year, Gentle Readers!

Recognizing The Gay Agenda

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: Hollywood and The Gay Agenda

Recently a brave Mormon woman fell under intense fire for calling the movie, Frozen, a tool of The Gay Agenda. Sadly, I can't say I'm surprised. Because while Frozen screams gay to most faithful Latter-day Saints, the nonmember community has been fooled into believing the opposite.

Thoroughly brainwashed by TGA, the army of non-Mormon sycophants argues that the Disney movie is a brilliantly conceived masterpiece that merely encourages children to be themselves. Lame, I know, but we must remember that these poor confused souls are merely pawns of The Vast Homosexual/Transgender Conspiracy.

Bottom line, The Gay Agenda will stop at nothing in its ruthless advance toward its ultimate goal: Turning the whole world GAY!

Hungry for more recruits, The Gay Agenda continues to infiltrate the mainstream media via seemingly talented, intelligent, and accomplished celebrities, statesmen, philanthropists, corporate heads, so-called religious leaders, and a host of other unfortunate lemmings whom it's tricked into championing its cause.

That's because The Gay Agenda is not above employing humility, scientific fact, poise, logic, reason, and other sneaky, underhanded anti-Mormon tactics.

Thanks to them, Frozen, has made record sales at the box office. Also these other totally gay movies:

• American Hustle -- a thinly-veiled vehicle of The Gay Agenda, its leading man parades around in a girly-wig. 

Look at me! I'm gay!!!!

• Despicable Me 2 -- a so-called family-friendly film, it features "mutilated minions," a non-gender specific "TNT loaded shark rocket" and ends with a bouncy rendition of "Y.M.C.A." How gay is that?!!
• Captain Phillips -- starring Tom Hanks (that's just gay to begin with) and a bunch of men in close confines waving their pistols. (Do you see how sneaky they are?)
• Monuments Men -- Another group of pansy men -- only this time they're all oo-ing and aw-ing over art. Well, Cate Blanchett is in it too, only she's the manliest of them all.  

Can you tell the boys from the girls? I can't.

• Blue Jasmine -- Yet another effort from that famous pawn of TGA, Woody Allen, who has devoted his career to normalizing immorality. I know. I've seen every one of his films. At least twice.

And then to top it off, this Sunday's Oscars will be hosted by a lesbian. As a public service, I intend to watch the entire show. Just so I can tell everyone how GAY it is. 

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you've been exposed to too many scientific facts.

Also click here to read another great review of The Girls from Fourth Ward and here and here for two more "thumbs ups" for False Prophet!