Friday, December 12, 2014

LDS Church Leaders Choose "Name Withheld" as 2014 Person of the Year

Name Withheld is Person of the Year
Salt Lake News -- published December 12, 2014

SALT LAKE CITY -- She's found hope and healing after her divorce, forgiven her abuser, and nurtured her husband's frail ego throughout their foreclosure and bankruptcy. He's overcome alcoholism, drug addiction, same-sex attraction, and a tendency to masturbate. Ever humble and long suffering, the progressively gender-ambivalent author of countless Mormon-themed articles, Name Withheld, is finally receiving the title of Person of the Year.

"After spending 50-plus years at the top of the temple prayer rolls, Name Withheld is long overdue for this recognition," official church spokesperson, K. Byron Spool, told the News.

When asked about the timing of the decision, Spool explained, "It's been an especially tough year for the Brethren, what with all the selfish complaints from the feminists, gays, and intellectuals. Meanwhile, Name Withheld humbly carried on, without dwelling on her civil rights, or carping about his unfulfilled sex life, or making a huge deal out of Joseph Smith's minor promiscuities. The Brethren really appreciated that."

Name Withheld was unavailable for comment as she is currently in the drunk tank after a relapse brought on by his temporary refusal to forgive his bishop for sexually assaulting him--or her.

"He . . . or she . . . requested a Book of Mormon be sent to his cell," a source inside the jail said. "She is repentant and seems determined not to become bitter."

"The Brethren couldn't be happier with this year's choice," Spool firmly declared. "Nobody, save Joseph Smith alone, has endured such storied persecution."


  1. I think I've read about this person. I'm pretty sure she's the mother who dug her child's grave into the frozen earth using only a spoon. After much fasting and prayer he also overcame his strange urge to masturbate inside a tub filled with worms. And of course she sacrificed her own health and happiness to stay with an abusive husband so she could help him find Mormon Jesus.

  2. Thanks Marion and Ahab. And yes, AT, that's her/him. He also ties his hands to the bedposts every night to keep from touching himself and she forages for roots and berries rather than insult her unemployed husband by getting a job of her own.

  3. I am laughing so hard I can barely type!

  4. I could probably narrow down the name of "Name Withheld" to one of three women, but for the common good, I'll keep my mouth shut.

    1. No kidding. Funny how all the articles are written in the same voice.