Friday, October 3, 2014

I'm Happy Because I'm a Mormon!

Years ago the most annoying guy in our ward used to stand at the pulpit during Testimony Meeting and advise us on how we could better spread the Gospel. Some of his suggestions:
"I dropped by the bishop's workplace this week and saw that he kept a couple of Books of Mormon on his office shelf." (Bishop's face beams.) "I thought to myself, what are those books doing on his shelf? He should have passed them out by now." (Bishop's face falls.)
"The other day I was standing in a crowded elevator at work when a colleague looked my way and exclaimed, 'Gee Clem, you sure look happy today' - to which I responded - 'I'm always happy, my friend, because I'm a Mormon."
I could go on, but you get it. This fellow evidently believed that, irregardless of our personal opinions, we should be bouncy and enthusiastic Mormon sales reps every waking moment, in every possible setting, without regard for professionalism, appropriateness, or sincerity.

In other words, make asses of ourselves.

I've often wondered where this irrepressible boob is now. Working for church PR perhaps? I can't be sure but this looks a lot like his handiwork:
So there you have it, Gentle Readers. It's not enough that the rank and file have payed their tithing, scrubbed the ward toilets, and are now poised to sit through yet another mind-numbingly boring and painfully self-righteous conference this weekend. They are also being pressured to log onto their Instagram/Facebook/Pinterest/Twitter/Whatever - PLEASE not Linkedin - and tell the world: I'm always happy, my friends, because I'm a Mormon.

In other words, make … well, you get it.

19 comments:

  1. We can only hope that man realized he was living a sugary lie, dropped the mask, and lived a far more sincere and less annoying life as an ex-Mormon somewhere.

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    1. Well, you never can tell. Sometimes the most devout are the ones who end up leaving because they are sometimes the most sincere. It would be fun to run into that guy in a bar and have a drink with him some day--would make for some good laughs.

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  2. Oops, that was Insanad commenting on her husband computer.

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. I remember, as a young adult, making an arss out of myself many times.

    One example: singing "I'm a Mormon, yes I am' at the top of my lungs in very public places.

    Oh the shame, and now I have that damn song stuck in my head.

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  5. So sorry Alexis removed her comment! I love hearing her thoughts.

    JJ, we've all been there and done that. These PR campaigns seem to me to be solely for the purpose of retaining members, because outsiders only find such efforts to be annoying and strange. I can't believe it attracts converts. Want to join the church so you can change your profile to "I'm a Mormon!"

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  6. Not culty and weird to outsiders at all! Totally makes me want to join up!

    Oh wait, antidepressants are cheaper than a 10% tithe.

    Donna, you'll be pleased to hear that my copy of False Prophet has been taken twice off the book exchange shelf at my work. I thought it was a great read, and I'm hoping to bring you more fans.

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    1. Kerry, you are awesome. Thanks so much for reading and sharing FP! Also for your comments here.

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  7. Do people actually convert TO Mormonism?!? How creepy! I suppose they are exchanging one fairy tale for another for a slightly different ending.

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    1. They do, Jono, but the retention rate isn't all that great for many reasons, including the one you just described.

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  8. There is nothing like having a willing herd of uninformed tithe payers who not only pay a lot of money for empty promises, but are willing to help with the charlatan's marketing efforts.

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    1. Yes, and really dopey marketing efforts.

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    2. And truly counter-productive. Hubby and I were talking about that today when we drove past a billboard for "Meet the Mormons!" It's simply not possible that their advertising appeals to anyone except the true believers like the annoying guy from your ward.

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    3. Yes, and now in addition to billboards there's this annoying full length film featuring Mormons who are actually helpful and successful people. Gee, if you have to tell people that...

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    4. Has the LDS ever considered hiring a good marketing firm? They could certainly use some help in making their marketing efforts less dorky.

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    5. Yeah, they have hired a PR firm in the past. Not sure if they're still using one or just doing it on their own now. Whatever they're doing isn't working too well!

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  9. Those guys are in every ward. I could name a few that I know from my neighborhood...they're a tad annoying. It'd be interesting to see if he's still active, and if not, how's his happiness level as an ex? I know mine's a lot higher now. =)

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    1. Oh yes, along with him are the sister who cries in every testimony meeting, the genealogy expert, food storage maven, etc.

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