Wednesday, May 21, 2014

LDS General Authorities Embark on Anti-Gay Marriage World Tour

LDS Church General Authorities Hit the Road
The Salt Lake News - published May 21, 2014

The General Authorities kicked off their Anti-Gay Marriage World Tour at a regional conference in New Zealand last Sunday where Dallin Oaks courageously devoted the majority of his talk to the evils of gay marriage. Encouraged by the moral perfection of Elder Oaks' message, the General Authorities are traveling the world to address what they consider to be a full blown global crisis.

Overall, the tour has received tepid reviews.

"I've been worried about the rising sea level that threatens my farmland," 47-year-old Hans of Denmark said. "But last night the Brethren told us we should be up in arms over gay marriage. I don't understand. Am I being selfish?"

"I have a gay son," 59-year-old Portuguese citizen, Marta, confessed. "I'm more worried about him getting a job--but then I'm not American," she conceded. "America must be a very strange place."

However some international saints have come away inspired by the Brethren's message.

"They gave me hope,"said 9-year-old Juan, a Brazilian who just lost his parents to malaria. "I'm going to try really hard not to be gay."

When asked about the Brethren's recent singularity of focus, LDS Public Relations insisted that the church continues to pursue a diverse humanitarian agenda.

"With the sisters still busy with their crafts, the timing seemed right to go after the gays," church spokesperson, Ramona Wimple explained. "But we continue to be on guard against the feminists and intellectuals."

Nevertheless, sources within the Church Office Building are voicing surprise at the zeal of this new campaign.

"We're now limited to a single talking point," an anonymous LDS Church employee told The News. "Whatever the problem is, the reason for it is gay marriage. For example: Why can't the church hire janitors to clean the ward meetinghouses?--Because of gay marriage. Why don't they sell caffeinated Coke at BYU?--Because of gay marriage. Why are there horses in the Book of Mormon?--Because of gay marriage…"

"It's become the Mormon version of Benghazi," the source concluded.


  1. "The Mormon version of Benghazi." Exactly!

  2. I thought this was funny. Then I clicked on the link and read the article. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

  3. Calling gay marriage the Mormon version of Benghazi … brilliant. Now I have to clean my screen ...

  4. "America must be a very strange place."

    You don't know the half of it, Marta.

    I liked this. Why are religious fundamentalists so obsessed with gay marriage when other, more pressing issues deserve attention?

  5. AT and Ahab--it's beyond me why the Mormon GA's obsess about gay marriage. Surely the saints in New Zealand have other more pressing issues. Or at the very least, aren't there some kind and compassionate messages that could be shared?

  6. Donna, you always brighten up my week. I received my official letter saying I'm no longer a member and it feels wonderful! NO more gay-bashing, no more self-hating because I'm gay. Gee whiz, what's wrong with some of those so-called heterosexual Apostles? I think they might have assigned the newbie Elder Andersen to pick up the gay marriage issue in last conference, in part because he has a more humble countenance than Packer or Perry or Oaks or Holland, and plus he's the newbie, the other's have already damaged their reputations and can't stand another decline in the "poll" numbers. Just my humble opinion.

    1. Dear Kevin, Congratulations! I think you may be right about Andersen. But if he continues to be their spokesman against gay marriage, I doubt he'll seem humble for very much longer.

      Anyhow not your problem because you're out of there! Congrats again.

  7. Fox News and LDS inc should join forces on this. why did the killings at Benghazi happen? Because of gay marriage. Why is there gay marriage? Because of Benghazi (and Hillary and Obama and a few others, of course). BYU-TV could just becomes Fox News, which would save me a lot of trouble when channel surfing, as I'd have one channel to avoid and not two.

    1. I'm terribly worried about all the gay marriages caused by Benghazi.