But here we are at the end of 2014 and Ward Gossip is still running strong. It's that little mechanical bunny and the Brethren are the battery that makes it keep on going.
Sure I had to fill in here and there. With bizarre family dramas, fun Ex-Mormon gatherings and excursions, memories of shitty weekends and stupid Relief Society lessons, another joyous birth, and a very sad loss, missionary moments, some odd LDS corporate policies, a return to my Vagina Testimony, a long overdue "person of the year" award, and a bit of recent diplomacy between LDS Inc. and Park City, UT.
But most weeks the Brethren and their disciples wrote the copy for me. Starting in February with that uber-sensitive website, Gays and BYU. Which led to some thoughtful discussion amongst the faithful about The Gay Agenda. After that, believers were shocked to learn that church headquarters was no longer promising them a planet! Then an outrageous article in The Friend provided me with what may be my best post ever. And here's the thing. I barely had to write it!
Every Saturday night while her family was wallowing in smut, Lucy called her Primary teacher and asked for a ride to church. Sister Gomez always said yes.Then the fun really started when some actual Mormon feminists decided they wanted to be ordained. Try as they might, the Brethren could not dissuade them. Not even with crafts!
"This new craft thing is a crock of (expletive deleted)," Mildred Peabody, a Salt Lake City tax attorney, told The News. "Makes me want to hot glue the First Presidency to a giant flannel board."And I say cheers to them all! Especially Kate Kelly .
In an apparent effort to deflect the bad PR over the Ordain Women debacle, the Brethren embarked on an anti-Gay marriage tour. It failed to engage the faithful.
"I've been worried about the rising sea level that threatens my farmland," 47-year-old Hans of Denmark said. "But last night the Brethren told us we should be up in arms over gay marriage. I don't understand. Am I being selfish?"Likewise the suggestion of another Romney presidential campaign.
"I work in an all-Mormon office and my desk is by the copy machine," said Samuel Petersen, an ExMormon from Sandy, Utah. "I don't care if I lose my job. He runs again and I'm going off the grid."Obviously in crisis mode, church PR amped up the momentum with a member-driven social media blitz, followed by the release of a major motion picture, followed by an infomercial about Mormon underpants. When the aforementioned efforts flopped, the Brethren decided to cheer everybody up by releasing a statement about all of Joseph Smith's extramarital affairs. After that came a really scary message from the visiting teachers.
I call, I text, I stop by. When she doesn't answer, I stand on her front porch and belt out, Love at Home. When she still doesn't answer, I hot glue 50 packs of M&M's to her front door. I follow her on social media. I follow her to work, to the dentist, and to the mall. I wait in front of her bathroom stall at Nordstrom. But still I get nothing.And let's not forget my interview with InsanaD, also her amazing address at this year's ExMormon Conference.
Torture for the Mormons, but sheer comic gold for bloggers like me.
So, as Elder Price sang, "What does the future hold?" I see more loud laughter, more lightmindedness, more evil speaking of the self-appointed, and definitely more blogging in 2015.
Happy New Year, Gentle Readers!
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