Thursday, July 3, 2014

LDS Business Owner Adjusts Corporate Policy Under Cover of Religious Freedom

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Virgil Hanson, Ward Employment Specialist
Subject: Opportunities at Party On Abbottsville! 

Ward members who are looking for work may new find openings at Party On Abbottsville! soon.

Buoyed by Hobby Lobby's recent Supreme Court victory, Brian Samuelson, the devout Mormon owner of our local party supply chain has boldly changed company policy to reflect LDS values. Read the in-store memo below:

To All Employees

In light of the Supreme Court ruling on Burwell v. Hobby Lobby, the employees at Party On Abbottsville! will now be required to enjoy the lifestyle and religious freedoms embraced by believing members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.    

Effective immediately:

All male employees will wear white dress shirts, ties, navy blue polyester slacks and have no facial hair, tattoos or piercings.

All female employees will wear calf-length denim jumpers, gingham-checked blouses and only one earring per ear.

All employees will abstain from alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, and caffeinated soft drinks.

Ten percent of employee salaries will be donated to the LDS Church. 

Gay employees may remain on staff so long as they are celibate.

Women may remain on staff so long as they are single, have no children at home, and do not expect equal pay.

Only church approved reading material will be permitted in the break rooms. All employee areas will be monitored, including bathroom stalls.

Health benefits will no longer cover the following:
pain killers
prescription laxatives

We understand that some members of the Party On Abbottsville! team may be opposed to the above policies. We respect their right to object silently, in their own minds. But any vocal opposition will be met with immediate termination. 

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we respect your right to protest silently, in your own mind.


  1. I have issues with a couple of the provisions. May we address them here?

    This is lovely, praiseworthy, and of good report, but members need to understand that PartyonAbbotsville!'s deduction of 10% of their salary does in no way supplant the LDS church member's obligation to pay tithing on top of PartyonAbbotsville!'s donation. What PartyonAbbotsville does with money they might otherwise have paid you is basically none of your business; you still have church financial obligations. What next? Because you swept a floor or cleaned a toilet at Partyonabbotsville!, you should be exempt from the regular toilet cleaning of your ward meetinghouse? Get real!

    Married women whose children have been raised should be allowed to remain on stafft PartonAbbotsville! between the fulfillment of senior mission assignments. provided no worthy priesthoodholder is available for the job. Jobs will not be held for women serving senior missions under any circumstances. (Jobs for their husbands, on the other hand, may be held. pending honorable release.). It goes without saying that the unequal pay for equal or greater than equal work will remain in effect where women are concerned,, returned senior missionary status notwithstanding..

    This should probably be reconsidered, as both Xanax and Vicodin are set to appear on the revised version of the Utah State Seal as the state's official coping mechanisms. While Abbotsville isn't in Utah proper, protocol would indicate that we, as a rule, follow the directives as placed before us by the Mother Ship.

    It is my contention that, with these three small amendments and clarifications, , this policy shall face no hurdles to implementation.

    Good work, and good luck!

  2. Way to shine the light Sister Donna! The line is very blurred between church and state these days.

    1. Yes, and it's actually quite serious.

    2. And I fear that blurring will only get worse, to the detriment of our rights.

  3. Where's the nearest Party On Abbottsville? I think I'll waltz in this weekend with a latte in one hand and a dunkelweisen in the other, and leave some Americans United for Separation of Church and State pamphlets in the restroom.

    Wait. Party On Abbottsville doesn't cover laxatives? If their employees are like other Mormons and never touch fresh produce or whole grains, we're talking life-threatening constipation here!

    It was disturbing to see right-wing religion trump employee's rights this week. If anyone refuses to believe that the Religious Right is a threat after the Hobby Lobby case, they're obtuse. Time for activism, people!

    1. Indeed. In a way I wish there was a Hobby Lobby near my house -- just so I could boycott it.

  4. Unfortunately, your satirical look at this issue is no longer satire. The Mormon Church issued a statement praising the ruling. No doubt they intend to abuse their new "personhood" to the fullest extent of the Supreme's latest warped interpretation of the law.

    And LDS Inc. is both a corporation and a religion. Win-win. (Not.)

    1. Yes, I'm afraid you're right. It's a serious situation that I never thought we'd see in our lifetimes. I didn't know that they'd issued a statement. Not that I'm surprised...