Friday, March 16, 2012

Stake President Addresses The Members' Concerns

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: President Knightly
Subject: Your Concerns

Some of you have expressed disappointment and confusion over the demands of our faith. For this reason, I invited you to submit questions to me via e-mail. As promised, I have considered your concerns prayerfully and endeavored to answer you with the honesty and respect you deserve.

Dear President Knightly,
  I am a gay man. I've tried to change, but it's no use. I feel my only choice is to leave the Church and live an authentic life. Do you have any suggestions?
  Sincerely, Name Withheld
Dear Brother Name Withheld,
  Authenticity is overrated, and it is not your only choice. You can also marry a nice Mormon girl, stay in the church, and forget that you're gay. Face it, you'll be so busy paying tithing, going to church, doing home teaching, attending the temple, doing genealogy, and scrubbing the ward toilets, you won't have a spare minute to think about sex. Ask any married man in the stake and he'll tell you. -- You only have to squeeze it in once, biannually, in order to impregnate the little woman. 

Dear President Knightly,
  I am employed as a mail carrier. Sometimes, in the grueling heat of summer, I wear normal underwear to work. That's okay, isn't it?
  Thank you, Brother Bacon
Dear Brother Bacon,
  It most certainly is not okay, and I hereby advise all LDS households on your route to keep an eye out for your underwear lines! The only time a temple worthy member may go without his garments is during sports, while bathing, briefly during sex, or if he is starring in an And I'm a Mormon advertisement.

Dear President Knightly,
  Much is said over the pulpit about gay men. But what have our priesthood leaders to say to us women who live with same-sex attraction?
  Name Withheld
Dear Sister Name Withheld,
  I don't understand your premise.

Dear President Knightly,
  I am in love with a man who is not LDS. Marrying him would fulfill my wildest dreams. Can we please be together?
  Sincerely, Sister Stacy Bright
Dear Sister Bright,
  Of course you can! So long as he joins the church, pays tithing, goes to all his church meetings, does his home teaching, attends the temple, does his genealogy, and scrubs the ward toilets, you may marry and have your wildest dreams fulfilled.**
  **Once every other year.

Dear President Knightly,
  Is it okay if I take a break from paying tithing so we can repair the family station wagon? It's the only way our family of 7 will be able to take a little trip this summer.
  Sincerely, Brother Hamm
Dear Brother Hamm,
  You don't need to repair the station wagon. Just pack the wife and the camping equipment into your commuter compact, rent one of those jumbo airtight storage containers, and strap the kids to the roof. Problem solved! 

Dear President Knightly,
  My family left the Mormon Church ten years ago. Is there any way I can get the ward members to quit calling, writing, dropping by, peeking in our windows, and bringing us nut loaf?
  Brother Confused
Dear Brother Confused,
  Not really, no.

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I hope this exercise demonstrates how much I truly care for each and every one of you. You had concerns, I listened. You had questions, I answered them. Now it's time for you to do your part. In short, gird your loins, quit your belly-aching, and get your lazy duffs back to church.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we refer you to President Knightly's response to Brother Confused.


  1. What a life-negating world the devout must live in!

    As for his response to Sister Name Withheld, I take it that female sexuality isn't on the LDS radar?

  2. Ahab, that was certainly my experience. We girls were told that men had "needs we didn't understand."

  3. You know what is actually quite interesting about his is almost every one of those questions and/or answers is about sex. AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

  4. "this" not "his"

  5. Oh buddy, UR so the funny today. I like the first one, you need a nice mormon girl. don't we all. Awesome,


  6. Thanks Kriss! It's true. Nice Mormon girls are not overrated.