From: Donna Banta
Subject: April Fool's Day Conference
Mark and I are pleased to invite the entire Abbottsville Fourth to our Post-Mormon party on Sunday, April 1. Join us in honoring the fools who grace the podium at the LDS Conference Center. Out of fairness, we'll tune into the afternoon session. But the Brethren will have to compete with the usual lightmindedness, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the self appointed -- fueled, of course, by copious amounts of alcohol and damned good food. Worried about missing the talks? No problem! Read the following and be edified for the next six months.
c. they listened to Romney's last speech.
While the generic G.A. reads the following lines, cut from his face to any or all of the accompanying pictures.
But then none of our trials are as great as those of our ancestors. Consider the sacrifice of my Great-great-great:
b. Aunt Eugenia who hunted Uncle Hyrum down, then dug his grave with only a teaspoon.
c. Grandfather Maxwell, who went to the Sweden, Stockholm Mission and converted over 100 women.
a. pay a full tithe, attend all your meetings, go to the temple, magnify your calling, do your genealogy, have a year's supply of food, serve a mission, marry, raise at least 6 kids in the church, then serve a senior mission.
b. pay a full tithe, attend most of your meetings, have a temple recommend, and do your home/visiting teaching.
c. at least pay your tithing.
In return He promises:
a. you won't have a single minute to yourself.
b. you'll be too depressed to go to musicals.
c. there will be no money left over to spend on porn.
Had enough? Then please join the Post-Mormons, Abbottsville Fourth. . . . You know you want to.