Thursday, March 29, 2012

Pssst, Abbottsville 4th! Skip The Talks This Year.

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: April Fool's Day Conference

Mark and I are pleased to invite the entire Abbottsville Fourth to our Post-Mormon party on Sunday, April 1. Join us in honoring the fools who grace the podium at the LDS Conference Center. Out of fairness, we'll tune into the afternoon session. But the Brethren will have to compete with the usual lightmindedness, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the self appointed -- fueled, of course, by copious amounts of alcohol and damned good food. Worried about missing the talks? No problem! Read the following and be edified for the next six months.

Generic General Conference Talk

Check all that apply.

Brothers and Sisters, today I would like to speak with you about:
a. persecution.
b. pretty blue flowers.
c. your filthy minds.

In these perilous times, many saints have left the fold because:
a. they don't like our ties.
b. they have been corrupted by the vast anti-Mormon conspiracy that is made up of historians, scientists, the mainstream press, primetime TV, Hollywood, and the Broadway Stage.
c. they listened to Romney's last speech.

In order to reverse this trend, the Brethren have decided to:
a. open a world class shopping mall.
b. increase baptisms for the dead.
c. develop a line of modest prom dresses.

While the generic G.A. reads the following lines, cut from his face to any or all of the accompanying pictures.

But then none of our trials are as great as those of our ancestors. Consider the sacrifice of my Great-great-great:
a. Uncle Hyrum who fled the country to practice traditional marriage.

b. Aunt Eugenia who hunted Uncle Hyrum down, then dug his grave with only a teaspoon.

c. Grandfather Maxwell, who went to the Sweden, Stockholm Mission and converted over 100 women.

In closing, brothers and sisters, I leave you my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel. I bear witness that our Savior expects each and every one of you to:
a. pay a full tithe, attend all your meetings, go to the temple, magnify your calling, do your genealogy, have a year's supply of food, serve a mission, marry, raise at least 6 kids in the church, then serve a senior mission.
b. pay a full tithe, attend most of your meetings, have a temple recommend, and do your home/visiting teaching.
c. at least pay your tithing.

In return He promises:
a. you won't have a single minute to yourself.
b. you'll be too depressed to go to musicals.
c. there will be no money left over to spend on porn.

Had enough? Then please join the Post-Mormons, Abbottsville Fourth. . . . You know you want to.


  1. I think I would have liked that Aunt Eugenia!

    "Grandfather Maxwell, who went to the Sweden, Stockholm Mission and converted over 100 women."

    Mr. Maxwell didn't stop by a Stockholm bank in 1973, did he?

  2. I forget, is there a Conference drinking game?

  3. @Ahab. You know, Bro. Maxwell's mission may be the precursor to the Stockholm Syndrome.

    @Diana. You know it!

  4. Re: Grandfather Maxwell. I first read that as "consorted" not converted. Same thing?

    Sounds like an awesome party!

  5. Best laugh of the day! I testify that if I listen to the Mormon GC this weekend (I won't), thus sayeth the Lard, everything Sister Banta saith is true!

    Wish I could come to your party! For the copious amounts of alcohol, the damn good food, and the first-rate company. The Brethren can suck it.