Monday, February 6, 2012

LDS Church Introduces New Line Of Educational Toys

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Joy Young, Ward Primary President
Subject: New toys for the Primary closet!

Recent studies have shown that adults are leaving the one and only true church because they come across petty negative facts about Mormon history on the Internet. Naturally, the Brethren are concerned about this phenomenon, and, open-minded free spirits that they are, have devised a brilliant solution. Full disclosure of LDS history, warts and all, for children!

How INSPIRED is that? I mean everyone knows that children are better learners than grown-ups, right? Or, as the LDS scholar, Terryl Givens put it,
"If you tell a 12-year-old child that Joseph Smith used a ‘peep stone’ in a hat to translate the Book of Mormon, he’ll think that’s cool or interesting. But when Latter-Day Saints find out about that on the Internet at age 50, they’ll ask, Why didn’t the church tell me?”
In that spirit, the LDS Church is in the process of developing a new line of educational toys. The following items are now available in the ward Primary closet.

Joseph's Kids Have Thirty Mommies
This beautifully illustrated picture book introduces the LDS preschooler to alternative lifestyles in order to prevent future prejudices, and celebrate the sanctity of "all kinds of marriages."

Joseph's Magic Peep Stone
Modeled after the popular Magic 8 Ball, this colorful iridescent orb transports early readers to the magical world of revelation.

Johnny: Will I get to have my own planet?
Magic Peep Stone: Signs point to yes!
**This toy is only available to boys

Who Wrote The Book of Mormon?
Introduce your child early to those pesky discrepancies about the origins of the Book of Mormon with this charming version of the popular board game, Clue.
The Suspects
Joseph Smith - Soloman Spaulding - Fanny Alger - Hugh Nibley - Matt Stone & Trey Parker 
The Tools
Peep Stone & Hat - Papyrus - Tapir - Urim & Thummum - Laptop
The Crime Scenes
Machu Picchu - The Hayloft - Broadway - The Dream Mine - Palmyra

Was it Solomon Spaulding with his laptop at Machu Picchu? Or was it Hugh Nibley with a tapir in the hayloft? The possibilities are endless. (Actually there are only 125.)

Mountain Meadows Paint Ball
Designed for the Ward Cultural Hall, this lively activity gives the preteen an opportunity to release his "inner savage" as well gain a life-long tolerance for LDS history. After all, it's hard for an Internet-surfing college student to feel squeamish over our bloody past, if, as a youth, he's spent his weekends whooping it up in war paint, terrorizing the girls, and shooting all the weaker boys in the backs of their skulls. 


Don't miss out on this unique opportunity to raise up a new generation of church historians. More products to come!

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll send over the Deacons' Paint Ball Militia. Also, you should read this companion post by Jennifer at The Cognitive Dissenter.

And don't forget to vote for your favorite Mormon-themed blogs in the Brodie Awards!


  1. I for one give these toys a thumbs-up!

  2. Might I suggest some hunky Book of Mormon action figures? Households on a tight budget can use the GI Joe or Ken dolls for proxy baptisms.

  3. I think it's a problem for all religions, ya know, the learning of the absurd "truths"-n-stuff. Awesome buddy. hope all is well-n-stuffs.


  4. Mountain Meadows Paint Ball. No trauma there ...

  5. Wow is that a real quote from Teryl Givens? How condescending can you get?! Basically what he's saying is 12 year olds are easier to manipulate than full grown adults-so let's start 'em young and then they won't be "shocked" that we've been lying to them this whole time. Grrrrr I really hope Mormons will start reading through the lines!

  6. @Ahab & Diana -- awesome, I'll send you each a catalog.

    kriss and Jessica, this is a problem for religions, that's why starting them young is essential, and yes, that is a quote from Givens, the link is above.

    Donavan, you are hilarious. Hunky Mormon characters like those buff paintings from the old BoM's.

    CD, no trauma -- just good clean fun. Well, at least you and I are having a lot of fun with this!

  7. These are awesome.
    For work, I used to go to the LDS Booksellers Convention... to present LDS themed books and gifts to all of the LDS bookstores (including Deseret Book). I would SO love to present these toys at one in the future.

    And, just so you know, there ARE BoM action figures. they're big and muscly and sold at Deseret Book. Nephi, Ammon, Captain Moroni, Abinadi, Stripling Warriors, King Limhi, etc.

  8. Thanks Jen! OMG are there really BoM action figures! I need to get some for my friend Donavan!