Friday, February 12, 2010

Mormons Party on Sunday!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: What Sister Loomis missed at the Ex-Mormon Superbowl Party

Our gathering was indeed in full swing when the ex-Mormon who called herself  "Lily Moomis" sauntered up my steps in her thigh high boots, zebra skirt and feather boa. Fortunately, we saw her coming in time for the guests from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward to hide in my basement. Hate to say it but Millie's disguise needed a little work. So did her presentation. Right off we noticed the following red flags:

Ex-Mormons don't have garments peeking through the black mesh of our fishnet tights.

We don't all want to "shake it like a Polaroid picture."

Our tattoos don't smear.

An ex-Mormon probably wouldn't have asked Tanya if she was a "real Jew."

We honestly do have more than "one thing" on our minds.

And for the gazillionth time no, we're not going to make you play Twister in the nude, or force you into any other kind of sexual performance. (By the way, it's Kama Sutra not Cacca Putrid.)

While Millie certainly contributed to the festivities, for the sake our guests from the Abbottsville Fourth, we quickly frightened her away so that everybody could come back upstairs and watch the Superbowl. And what a game it was, thanks to good food, good company, and a healthy dose of free agency.

Afterward, Jerry took the priesthood holders up to the "man den," offered them their choice of beverage, turned on the post game, and taught them to repeat, "Life is good." Andrew and Tanya led the Stake Single Adults into my living room, where they sang them through an "R" rated version of The Hokey Pokey. And the Relief Society went downstairs and watched Big Love. We concluded the following: 1. Bill is much sexier now that he's morphed into Mitt Romney. 2. We love Margene for alerting people to the needs of nymphomaniacs. 3. We suspect that Tommy might be a vampire. That scene in the sweat lodge -- you could tell he wanted to suck Barb's blood. 4. Teeny is headed for a break down.

Eventually we closed without a prayer and without any regrets over missing Fast and Testimony Meeting. Do remember, my dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth, that we get together every month. I will send a reminder. Oh! I will also send a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade to Millie Loomis. Lord knows it can only do her good.

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