Ferry Building or General Conference?

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Who will it be? The post-Mormons or the General Authorities?

This weekend the members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward may choose between attending the post-Mormon party at the San Francisco Ferry Building, or watching the 180th Semi-Annual General Conference of the LDS Church. I've provided the following aptitude test to help you decide.

Answer each question in a way that best describes yourself.

1. I like to look at:

a. the sparkling blue San Francisco bay teaming with white caps.

or

b. a sea of blue suits and white dress shirts.

2. On the weekend I like to relax by:

a. sipping Pete's Coffee and maybe splurging on a treat from Boccalone Salume or Miette Patisserie.

or

b. sipping Postum while some cranky old man tells me to cut back on groceries so I can pay my tithing.

3. I like to listen to:

a. real life stories about people who struggle to survive beneath the poverty level.

or

b. bullshit stories about characters like Brother Justo Velasquez, who labored patiently selling tamales on a street corner in Tegucigalpa, then blew all of his hard-earned pesos on temple garments.

4. I like mixing with:

a. feminists, gays, and intellectuals.

or

b. old men who've never met a feminist, gay, or intellectual, but seem to know a gazillion people who like to look at porn.

5. I want to associate with people who:

a. encourage me to have fun, get an education and see the world.

or

b. pester me to go on a mission, get married, and pay my tithing.

6. I like to discuss:

a. art, music, literature and film.

 or

b. Internet porn

7. I take the advice of:

a. people who only want me to be myself.

or

b. people who only want me to pay my tithing.

8. I like:

a. reading science fiction.

or

b. being part of science fiction.

9. This Sunday I would rather:

a. enjoy myself.

or 

b. be bored out of my fucking mind.

10. In other words, I want to:

a. Hang with the post-Mormons at the Ferry Building.

or

b. Hang at home with the GA's and a reheated portion of this.

Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I urge you to choose A! Come to the Ferry Buiding! 

(You know you want to.)