Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Ferry Building or General Conference?

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Who will it be? The post-Mormons or the General Authorities?

This weekend the members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward may choose between attending the post-Mormon party at the San Francisco Ferry Building, or watching the 180th Semi-Annual General Conference of the LDS Church. I've provided the following aptitude test to help you decide.

Answer each question in a way that best describes yourself.

1. I like to look at:
a. the sparkling blue San Francisco bay teaming with white caps.
b. a sea of blue suits and white dress shirts.

2. On the weekend I like to relax by:
a. sipping Pete's Coffee and maybe splurging on a treat from Boccalone Salume or Miette Patisserie.
b. sipping Postum while some cranky old man tells me to cut back on groceries so I can pay my tithing.

3. I like to listen to:
a. real life stories about people who struggle to survive beneath the poverty level.
b. bullshit stories about characters like Brother Justo Velasquez, who labored patiently selling tamales on a street corner in Tegucigalpa, then blew all of his hard-earned pesos on temple garments.

4. I like mixing with:
a. feminists, gays, and intellectuals.
b. old men who've never met a feminist, gay, or intellectual, but seem to know a gazillion people who like to look at porn.

5. I want to associate with people who:
a. encourage me to have fun, get an education and see the world.
b. pester me to go on a mission, get married, and pay my tithing.

6. I like to discuss:
a. art, music, literature and film.
b. Internet porn

7. I take the advice of:
a. people who only want me to be myself.
b. people who only want me to pay my tithing.

8. I like:
a. reading science fiction.
b. being part of science fiction.

9. This Sunday I would rather:
a. enjoy myself.
b. be bored out of my fucking mind.

10. In other words, I want to:
a. Hang with the post-Mormons at the Ferry Building.
b. Hang at home with the GA's and a reheated portion of this.

Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I urge you to choose A! Come to the Ferry Buiding! 
(You know you want to.)


  1. Well that really helped me figure out what group I belong in, thanks! Can you help me with all my important decisions?

  2. I so wish I could be there. I know there's always November, but shit y'know? it's General Conference weekend.

    Ah well.

  3. @TGW lol sure, over copious amounts of wine. And as for Lisa, enjoy the bullshit stories -- see you in November. I hope, I hope!

  4. I wish there was a group of feminists, gays, and intellectuals I could hang out with on a regular basis - oh wait, that's my family. :D

    But seriously, that sounds awesome.

  5. Take the feminists, gays, and intellectuals! They'll make you happier than a bunch of stuffy religious folks.

  6. Carla and Ahab -- wish you were in SF. If you ever are please hang with us!

  7. My gawd, I think I just about pee my pants from laughing, every time I come here, Donna :)

    Sorry I missed you all during "conference weekend"! We need to all hang out sometime soon, dontcha think?

  8. @ sideon, I see martinis in our future!