Destined for Destruction, and Proud of It!

A couple of years ago Mark and I were eating dinner at the Applebee's in Bountiful, Utah. The booth next to us was filled with bouncy Mormon teenagers enjoying ice-cream sundaes. A young lady in the group announced that she had been accepted into a summer program in Los Angeles. Then, when some others in the party voiced concern, she replied loudly, "Don't worry. Only San Francisco is going to fall into the ocean!"

We had to smile. It had been some time since we'd entertained this apocalyptic forecast from our former doomsday cult. Of course, in our day, it wasn't just SF, but the entire state that was destined to fall into the ocean. Why single out San Francisco? Well, there was the whole hippie/free love thing, followed by the whole gay thing, followed by ... what? The whole techie thing? Are algorithms a tool of Satan? Worldly knowledge, I suppose.

I must say, as a native Angeleno I am offended by this exclusion. I beg your pardon, but L.A. has totally earned its part in God's final Big One, thank you very much! Where do you think He got the script?



For those of you who have not had the good fortune to be members of the one and only true church, it's not just hippies, gays, and software engineers whom the Mormons have destined to perish in the wake of Jesus' return, it's everyone who isn't dedicating all of his time, talent and resources to the LDS Church. - People who enjoy iced tea or cocktails on a lazy Sunday afternoon. People who are obsessed with truth and scientific fact. People who pick out their own underwear. - That would include not only the state of California, but also the Pacific Northwest, the entire Atlantic Coast, and most points in between.

I admit that falling into the ocean isn't a pleasant prospect. But we've all got to go sometime. And if my options are ... plunging to my death on a lazy Sunday afternoon, cocktail in hand, in the underwear of my choice vs. enduring to the end, painfully sober, and left to exist on a diet of powdered milk, nitrogen packed wheat and dehydrated pear flakes ... I'll take the whole plunging to my death scenario.

I'm guessing there are even some folks in Bountiful, Utah who might agree with me. The bar at the Applebee's was surprisingly busy when Mark and I dined there a couple of years ago.

The G.A.s Fight the War in Heaven

Mormon General Authorities' Role in The War in Heaven to be Subject of New Mini-Series
The Salt Lake News - published Friday, May 29, 2015

Filmmaker Lowell Swainston (The Naked Testimony, The Naked Testimony 2 1/2) has created a new mini-series that twists the conventional Mormon view of the Pre-Existence. Pre-Mortal Saints: the War on Sex will begin airing this Sunday.

The concept that the most righteous spirits in the Pre-Existence were destined for greatness in this mortal life has been long embraced by believing Mormons. Traditionally, this meant that the most valiant in the pre-life, most specifically during the fabled "War in Heaven," were slated for top positions in the Mormon hierarchy. But recently, monumental bungling by the Brethren coupled with the dawn of a surprising strain of rational thought have brought this theory into question.

"Over the years, the General Authorities have devoted the better portion of their lives to fighting masturbation, gay sex, pre-marital sex, oral sex, kinky sex, sex education, sexual freedom, sexy thoughts, sexy underwear, anything and everything remotely sexual," Swainston explained. "Despite the relative success of their efforts, these seem like weak issues compared to the causes championed by Dr. Martin Luther King or Mahatma Gandhi. It made me wonder, what exactly did these bozos do up there to land a GA gig down here?"

His curiosity piqued, Swainston posed the question on Twitter, drawing over 500 tweets inside of an hour.

"The general consensus was that the Brethren must have dedicated their pre-mortal lives to the obliteration of all forms of sexual pleasure," Swainston explained. "Once I had that figured out, the whole thing sort of wrote itself."

Excerpt from Episode 1:

Scene: Colonel Barack Obama is standing in a Telestial High School hallway opposite rising seniors, Boyd K. Packer, Mark E. Petersen and Spencer W. Kimball  

Obama: Good afternoon, young patriots, I understand you have served valiantly in your posts as hall monitors for the boys bathroom. 

Packer, Petersen and Kimball: Yes sir!

Obama: I've come here to enlist your support in the War in Heaven. Young Packer, are you up to the challenge?

Packer: Sir, yes sir! Only...

Obama: Only what?

Packer: Only I hate to leave my work here. It's essential to the preservation of my little factory, and to the safety of that of my fellow brethren as well.

Obama: Exactly what is your little factory?

Packer: Sir, it's my link to the creation, the life blood of my power down on earth, the vital essence of my godhood.

Obama: Packer, what the hell are you talking about?

Packer: My penis and testicles, sir.

Obama: So you're saying that serving in the War in Heaven might endanger your dick?

Packer: Maybe, sir. Where might I be called to serve?

Obama: The campaigns of Generals Eleanor Roosevelt, Alexander the Great, and Albert Einstein are all in desperate need.

Packer: A woman, a gay and an intellectual? I'm sorry, sir, but they pose the three most vital threats to my little factory.

Obama: I can see why you might think that. What about you, Petersen? Worried about your vitals too?

Petersen: Sir, yes sir! That's how it all starts. I leave my post and first thing you know I'll be touching myself outside of normal toilet processes. That's how it always starts. (whimpers) I do my best to control myself - I leave the bathroom and shower doors open, dress in constrictive clothing, snack constantly, tie my hand to the bed rail, imagine myself in a tub of worms ... I even scream STOP at the top of my lungs.

Obama: And none of this works?

Petersen: (dabs brow with hanky) Something always happens to trip me up. Maybe I see myself in the mirror naked or I eat a little too much spicy food or I wake up with a full bladder, and bam! I'm at it all over again.

Obama: Thanks for sharing that, Petersen.

Petersen: Sir, yes sir!

Obama: Kimball, what do you have to say for yourself?

Kimball: Sir, I would like to say that I think your people - that the Negroes - are as righteous as we Whites in the Pre-Existence. Native Americans are too. And I plan to preach equality when I am on Earth.

Obama: That's commendable, son.

Kimball: I also intend to stand against nuclear proliferation.

Obama: Excellent. So will you join us in the War in Heaven?

Kimball: I'd like to, sir. But I don't think I can after last night.

Obama: Last night?

Kimball: Colonel, at a weak moment I began to masturbate...that led to group masturbation...that led to an act of homosexuality...and then... (his eyes tear up)

Obama: And then what?

Kimball: (exhales) I had sex with my horse.

Obama: (glares back at him) Your horse? Kimball, I admit that out of the lot of you turkeys you are probably the only one I would agree to have a beer with. Still, you are one sick and twisted son of a gun.

Kimball: Sir, yes sir!

Obama: You three are unfit for duty in the War in Heaven. I order you to stand your posts here in the Telestial High School boys room and reap the eternal consequence.

Packer, Petersen, Kimball: (raise their arms in salutes) Sir, yes sir.

Obama: (briefly returns salute) At ease.

Petersen: Oh no, sir. That's how it all starts.

Nine episodes of Pre-Mortal Saints are scheduled to air this season. However, based on viewer demand, the filmmaker will consider an extension of the project. "Every LDS General Authority played his own unique role in the global war on sex," Swainston told the News.

Help! I Need a Translator.

The Mormon message is so confusing that sometimes even Exmormons like me need a translator.

For example, I recently saw this photo circulating around Facebook. Some shared it in earnest and others with an accompanying eye-roll - the latter noting that the quote is incomplete - and therefore a bit misleading - and also that Hinckley isn't even its source.

The actual author of the quote is the late-nineteenth/early-twentieth century Unitarian minister, Jenkin Lloyd Jones. Here it is in full, the omitted lines in red:

“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays…sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

Leave it to the Mormons delete the exciting part! But I digress. In fairness to Hinckley, he did cite Jones as the author and used the quote in its entirety in church talks. But because the late prophet, seer, and revelator bandied those words around a number of times, his devoted followers have begun attributing them to him, even abridging them. And why not? The Lord told his prophet to use the quote.

The Facebook meme appears to have originated on a page entitled "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." This is apt, since in 1995 the church released "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," a declaration that marriage is between one man and one woman, and that all human beings should marry, have children, and pursue traditional gender roles. Then two years later, sensing that they might feel marginalized, Hinckley gave a 1997 talk to single adults, employing the above passage from Jones to illustrate that for most, life within Mormonism is pretty much all tough beef and missed putts.

"All of you presumably are without marriage partners. Many of you wish you were married. You think this would be the answer to all your problems. While a happy marriage should be the goal of every normal Latter-day Saint, let me assure you that for many who are married, life is miserable and filled with fears and anxiety." 

He went on to describe the burdensome responsibility he shouldered when determining whether to issue a temple divorce:

"The circumstances behind the divorce and behind the request for cancellation of a temple sealing contain a litany of selfishness, of greed, of behavior at times even sadistic in its nature, of abuse and heartache and tragedy."

So here's where I need a translator. Was Hinckley saying that he only issued temple divorces to couples who were "selfish, greedy, sadistic, and abusive?" (Meaning nice couples who were just plain old miserable together should stay joined for the eternities?) OR was he saying that people who seek temple divorces are selfish, greedy, sadistic, etc., and to an audience packed with individuals who have requested them?

Does it matter? Probably not. But I am mildly curious.

I'm not the only one confused by the Mormon message. Consider poor Brian Dawson who was fired from his Sunday School position for using information from the church's official website in his lesson! Foolishly thinking he could teach a lesson on race relations to his ward youth, Dawson consulted a 2013 church approved article entitled "Race and the Priesthood." Obviously he needed a translator. 

"Anything regarding black history before 1978 is irrelevant," Dawson recalls his bishop saying, "and a moot point."

Okay, so does that mean that anything regarding Mormon marriage practice before the release of the Family Proclamation in 1995 is irrelevant? What exactly is relevant?

Does it matter? Probably not. But I am mildly curious. Also this could become problematic on Pioneer Day...

Fortunately I'll be celebrating at the Hotel Utah Saloon - with people who speak my language.

Oh! And Happy Mother's Day, especially to my gentle readers/mothers who will be enjoying the day without that horrific Mother's Day Sacrament Meeting.

Our "Poor Daughter" or What Happens to People Who Quit the Church

I've been inactive this week, trading out blogging for a visit to our "poor daughter." You've heard the story over and over again. Her demise began when she became offended because she wasn't allowed to pass the sacrament in church. A Merry Miss dropout, she was left to idle, worldly pursuits, which have led, sadly, to yet another formulaic outcome. Now she is unmarried, childless, rarely knits, enjoys reading and writing, doesn't go to Relief Society, and is wasting her time, talent and resources on pursuing her doctorate.

And how do we feel about that? Over-the-top, ridiculously, ecstatically proud!

Emily at Rutgers

Emily in Central Park with her ecstatically proud parents

But then, that's what happens to people who quit the church.

Mormon Persecution Museum Opens

Persecution Museum Now Open on Temple Square
The Salt Lake News - published Wednesday, April 15, 2015

SALT LAKE CITY - The Mormon Persecution Museum opens to the public today. The newest attraction on Temple Square, it boasts an impressive collection of historical artifacts, artwork, film and photography that depicts the maltreatment of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In addition to its permanent collection, the museum will also host temporary exhibits. The first of these, The Brethren: Latter-day Martyrs for the Faith, focuses on the marginalization of the current Mormon leadership.

LDS Church curator, Rufus G. Bigelow, passionately promotes the museum's first special event. "Most people don't realize how much abuse is leveled at the humble servants of God who guide and direct our Church," he explained. "Patrons of this exhibit will come away without any doubt of the existence of what the Brethren have long known to be the vast anti-Mormon conspiracy." 

Visitors may experience the vast conspiracy Bigelow refers to via multi-media presentations aimed at exposing the Brethren's myriad nemeses. Targets include Feminists, So-Called Intellectuals, So-Called Gays, So-Called Historians, Whiners, Wimps, Comedians, Immodestly Dressed Women and Children, Counterfeit Couples, Mothers Who Think They Know, Part Tithe Payers, The Three Men who Shouted "Opposed" at General Conference, etc.

"The event runs the gamut when it comes to anti-Mormon elements," Bigelow said. "It delves into the mind of each variety of anti-Mormon, examines his particular brand of bitterness, outlines his delusional objectives, and describes his doomed means of achieving them."

Despite the breadth and diversity of its subject, Bigelow says the exhibit successfully stays on message. "The unifying theme is that all of these different forms of bigotry stem from the enemy's collective desire to sin and/or be easily offended."

The LDS General Authorities enjoyed a private tour of the museum on Monday. Their response is said to be highly enthusiastic.

"The Brethren are thrilled by this long overdue retribution," said LDS Church spokesperson, LaDell Dart. "Finally, the world will have the opportunity to see that they are the true victims."

"Already there is talk of expanding," Dart added. "Plans are in the works for an adjoining library, an interpretive center, and maybe even a research institute. In the coming years, the Persecution Museum is expected to grow into a full blown Persecution Complex."

Regular museum hours are Monday through Saturday 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Hours extend to 9:00 p.m. the first Monday of every month to accommodate special Family Home Evenings. Closed Sunday. The "Latter-day Martyrs" exhibit will be on display in the Orrin Porter Rockwell Gallery from now until August 15, 2015.

LDS Women Compared To New Inanimate Object

Over the years good Mormon girls have been unlicked cupcakes, fresh sticks of gum, clean crystal goblets, and untouched rosebuds. So it should come as no surprise that in her opening address to the LDS General Women's Meeting, Cheryl A. Esplin, second counselor in the Primary General Presidency, likened LDS women to full cans of soda:

"The concept of being filled with light and truth became particularly important to me because of an experience I had many years ago. I attended a meeting where members of the Young Women general board taught about creating spiritually strong families and homes. To visually demonstrate this, a Young Women leader held up two soda cans. In one hand she held a can that was empty and in the other hand a can that was unopened and full of soda. First, she squeezed the empty can; it began to bend and then collapsed under the pressure. Next, with her other hand, she squeezed the unopened can. It held firm. It didn’t bend or collapse like the empty can—because it was filled."

"We likened this demonstration to our individual lives and to our homes and families. When filled with the Spirit and with gospel truth, we have the power to withstand the outside forces of the world that surround and push against us. However, if we are not filled spiritually, we don’t have the inner strength to resist the outside pressures and can collapse when forces push against us."

Okay. This totally works for me. But I'm surprised that a member of the Primary General Presidency would admit that in order to be full of "the Spirit and gospel truth" an LDS woman has to swallow the intellectual equivalent of an entire cup of dissolved sugar that's been shot up with pressurized gas.

But wait. There's more:

"Satan knows that in order for us and our families to withstand the pressures of the world, we must be filled with light and gospel truth. So he does everything in his power to dilute, distort, and destroy the truth of the gospel and to keep us separated from that truth."

So there you go, sisters. Guard your pop-tops. Satan hovers over you, flexi-straw in hand, eager to sap the fizz right out of your Sprites!

Why . . . oh . . . why do they make it so easy? And this was just the women's meeting! There are five more sessions of General Conference this weekend. Torture for the faithful. Comic gold for bloggers like me.