The Week That Was -- And Wasn't

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: From the Sublime to the Ridiculous then back to the Sublime.

Mark and I began our week last Sunday doing what we do best -- pissing off the Religious Right. You got it, Fourth Warders, while you were locked up in your darkened houses observing the Sabbath, we mocked God by passing out candy to evil little urchins dressed in black and orange. At the same time, we watched our beloved black and orange baseball team win the fourth game in the World Series, beating the Texas Rangers.

Then on Monday night . . . well we all know what happened on Monday night. Because for once, both the Mormons and the Ex-Mormons were tuned in to the same channel.

It was the best Family Home Evening ever!

Then Tuesday's midterm election results sucked the Kum-bay-yah right out of the air, and we were again on different sides. -- Polarized over nonsensical issues such as the definition of marriage, the location of a mosque in Manhattan, and the validity of our president's birth certificate. As a fiscally conservative, socially progressive Republican, Mark couldn't understand why the (few) sensible members of his party lent their support to a bunch of right wing fanatics, knowing full well that their religious rhetoric was dangerous and their economic policy was irresponsible. As a liberal Democrat, I couldn't believe that my party who controlled the White House, Senate and Congress for two years and promised change couldn't even muster the strength to push through a measure allowing gays to serve openly in the military.

Perhaps what Washington needs is a cool-headed North Carolina rookie who pitched eight shut out innings against the Rangers, or a Columbian-born slugger who knocked a three-run homer into a sea of red at Texas Stadium, or a long-haired "freak" with a ninety mile an hour fast ball. Not once during the eight years of his presidency did George W. Bush come to San Francisco. But the Texas Rangers were here, and they fought the good fight.

Of course, that kind of courage only happens in sports.

On Wednesday morning Mark and I set our disappointment aside and rode the packed subway downtown for the parade.

Best friends for 33 years

It was only fitting that we met my former BYU roommate and BFF, Emily, who came straight from teaching early morning seminary in her East Bay LDS ward.

The crowd was ecstatic and the experience priceless.

Thank god nobody fell off the top of that Muni Bus!

When he got back to work, Mark discovered that half of his pictures didn't take because his camera's memory chip was overloaded -- SO HE MISSED GETTING ANY PICTURES OF THE PLAYERS!!

This blurred image of Bruce Bochy with the trophy is the last shot that registered. 

I may post more when Emily and other friends who were at the parade email them my way. (I am progressing slowly down the road to forgiveness. Last night I even allowed Mark to come inside and sleep on the couch.)

After the parade, Emily and I shopped in Chinatown and had a leisurely lunch at Cafe Claude. Religion never came up, nor did politics. Instead we discussed important things, like family, friends, good books, and, of course, baseball.

I am lucky. I am an Ex-Mormon whose best friend is a believing Mormon, and I'm a Democrat who is happily married to a Republican. But I know too many Ex-Mormons who have been shunned by their believing families and friends, and, like everyone, I have endured an endless amount of mind-numbing political debate. I am disturbed that our country is so divided, and that our national conversation has been monopolized by fundamentalist extremists. 

My dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, it is no wonder that in contentious times such as these, many of us yearn for peace and spiritual well-being. For that reason, I am grateful for our membership in the one and only true, non-partisan, non-denominational Church of Baseball. 

In the name of cheese and rice, amen.

Mormons Keep A Low Profile At San Francisco Giants Game

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Missed you guys at the Giants game!

Our group of die-hard ex-Mormons went to LDS Family Night at AT&T Park last Tuesday for two reasons: to drink beer and watch the Mormons. Hello? Where were you? 

Here's how the invitation read:

The BYU Alumni invites you and your family to enjoy a night out at the

ballpark!

LDS Night at the San Francisco Giants

Tuesday, June 15th

5:30 Pre-game entertainment at SF Giants County Fair

6:45 Pre-game family history presentation in ballpark before first pitch

7:15 Game vs. Baltimore Orioles

LDS entertainers, including Showbiz (www.showbizsite.info) and Brooke White, American Idol Top 5 finalist, will perform at pre-game festivities on the site of the SF Giants County Fair located just outside the ballpark by McCovey Cove. Brooke will also sing during the 7th inning stretch.

A Church Area Authority will present Mike "Kruk" Krukow, with his personal family tree, during a pre-game ceremony before the 1st pitch of the game.

"LDS Night" tickets are available at the following prices:

$30 Lower Box 

$20 Lower Box Corner 

$13 Bleachers -or- View Reserved, Infield

To order tickets, call the SF Giants sales department. Mention "LDS Night" to receive the discount pricing listed above.

Special rates are available for group ticket orders of greater than 25 and 100. To order, contact xxx xxxx at 415 - ### - ####.

Even though Mark and I were there by 6:30 strolling around the park, we completely missed the presentation to Kruk by a Church Area Authority. Either it happened during the two minutes it took us to buy a couple of Bud Lights, or it was so low key nobody noticed, or it was solemnized in the Oakland Temple.

When we found our fellow ex-Mormons, the conversation went something like this:

"Where are all the Mormons?"

"Damned if I know."

"How 'bout that guy with the male pattern baldness?"

"His beverage looks suspect."

"Maybe that big family?"

"Don't think so, the mom's ears are double-pierced."

After some effort we finally spotted a bleacher section filled with big families, conservative haircuts, non-alcoholic beverages, and a few BYU t-shirts. We concluded they were the Mormons.

Ex-Mormon spies TBM's at San Francisco Giants Game

Sometime around the third inning LDS Family Night at the San Francisco Giants flashed on the screen. We held our breath in anticipation of the inevitable cheer from the proud members of the one and only true church. It never happened. Then later when Mormon American Idol finalist, Brooke White, sang an a cappella version of "Take Me Out to the Ballpark," she failed to arouse the crowd. The little bouncing ball on the lyrics would have done more. We finally had to give up and watch the game -- a downer because the Giants lost.  

My dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, can you explain this uncharacteristic humility on the part of the Mormons? Has the LDS Church undergone a huge policy shift? Perhaps the San Francisco Stake's Church Public Affairs Committee has yet to be fully staffed? Or could it be that the Mormon Church has insulted the citizens of San Francisco to such a degree that its members are embarrassed to be recognized? Hmmm . . . Oh yeah, I remember. You were being persecuted.

 _