Abbottsville Sisters Party On Mother's Day

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Mother's Day at Abbottsville's Swizzle Stick Bar

Dear Sisters,

I've attached the following invitation in the hope that you will consider this far more desirable alternative to every woman's most demoralizing church meeting of the entire year.

SWIZZLE STICK MOTHER'S DAY PARTY!

Especially for Mormons

Dear Sisters,

Don't want to sit through a three hour lecture on Mother's Day?

Sick of constantly being reminded of your "sacred role?"

Tired of delighting in your husbands, waiting for your happily ever afters, turning lemons into lemonade, standing in holy places, sweetening the world one drop at a time, and blooming where you're planted?

Rather spend the Sabbath getting shit-faced?

Then ditch church this Sunday and JOIN THE PARTY
at the SWIZZLE STICK!

9:00 a.m. Bar open
12:00-2:00 p.m. Primary Songbook Karaoke
2:00-4:00 p.m. Performance by "Mutha's Who Know"
4:00-6:00 p.m. "The Stripping Warriors"
6:00 p.m. - ????? Testimony Meeting

No cover charge
$4 well drinks to include "Sex on the Tabernacle," "Dirty Moroni," and "The Wymount Babymaker"
Turn in your 4" petunia plant/limp carnation/refrigerator magnet for a free mimosa!

--Hope to see you there, sisters. I'll be at the bar by 9:00, wearing a gingham-checked jumper and sipping a Dirty Moroni.

Brace Yourselves Sisters, It's Another Mother's Day Tribute

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: This Sunday's Tribute to Mothers

We live in perilous times. The Constitution is hanging by a thread, our president (who should be tried for treason) recently endorsed gay marriage, and everywhere we turn we see people putting off marriage to have "too much fun," as well as women who are taking over! Now, more than ever, it is important that we clearly define a woman's divine role. Because of the extreme urgency of the message, this special service was planned carefully in advance, then vetted and approved by the Bishop, the Stake President, the Church Correlation Committee, the General Authorities, the Romney Campaign, and God.

ATTENDANCE IS MANDATORY

Below is an outline of the program along with approved excerpts from the talks:

Sacrament Meeting

Presiding: Bishop Paul Zimmerman

Abbottsville Fourth Ward -- Mother's Day Service

Conducting: Bishop Zimmerman

Pianist: Sister Peterson

Music Director: Brother Souter

Opening Hymn: #322 Come all ye Sons of God

Opening Prayer: Brother Harold

Ward Business: Bishop Zimmerman

Sacrament Hymn: #171 With Humble Heart

Administration of the Sacrament by the Aaronic Priesthood

Youth Speaker: Esther Renfro -- "The Best Mom (not) in the World."

"My friends at school like to brag that their moms went to fancy colleges to become doctors and lawyers and stuff. Then I tell them that my mom went to Relief Society to learn how to make living room furniture out of PVC pipe, hot glue and styrofoam. That pretty much shuts them up."

Special Musical Number: Primary Chorus -- Sunshine is Special 

Speaker: Sister Jeanette Evans -- "Babies are Special."

"The other day when I was changing little Jimmy's poopy diaper, he looked up at me and said 'Ga-boo-be-bah' -- just like they were his own little words -- and, oh my heck -- I told myself I wouldn't cry -- but babies are just so special!" 

Special Musical Number: Young Women's Choir -- Smiles are Special

Speaker: Brother Wilford Bromley -- "The Most Respected Role on Earth."

"Dear Sisters, you care for our children, clean our houses, cook all of our favorite meals, tend our gardens, do our laundry, buy our groceries, iron our shirts, darn our socks, are always available in bed, don't expect a dime, wait on us every waking moment, let us do all of the talking, hang on our every word, and never complain. After all of that, how can we possibly NOT respect you? Anyway, why do you care?"

Closing Hymn: Cinnamon Rolls are Special (words are on the back of the program)

Benediction: Brother Newsome

In order to show that we Latter-day Saints are a progressive, open-minded, egalitarian people, the Aaronic Priesthood will then hand out a flower to every sister in the Relief Society, even those who are single, childless, divorced, employed, "so called lesbians," or for some other selfish reason can't catch or hold on to a man.  

Upon completion of the distribution of flowers, ward members are released to the Cultural Hall for a four course Mother's Day feast, prepared and served by the Relief Society.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll still give you a flower.

Brace Yourselves Sisters -- It's Mother's Day Again!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Mother's Day Program

This Sunday we pay tribute to Motherhood, the most important role in the entire universe. Because of the extreme urgency of the message, this special service was planned carefully in advance, then vetted and approved by the Bishop, the Stake President, the Church Correlation Committee, the General Authorities, the Romney Campaign, and God.

Attendance is mandatory.

Below is an outline of the program along with approved excerpts from the talks:

Sacrament Meeting

Presiding: Bishop Paul Zimmerman

Abbottsville Fourth Ward -- Mother's Day Service

Conducting: Bishop Zimmerman

Pianist: Sister Peterson

Music Director: Brother Souter

Opening Hymn: #323 Rise Up, O Men of God

Opening Prayer: Brother Spencer

Ward Business: Bishop Zimmerman

Sacrament Hymn: #171 With Humble Heart

Administration of the Sacrament by the Aaronic Priesthood

Youth Speaker: Sam Renfro -- "How Our Mothers Prepare us for the Holy Priesthood."

"The 2,000 stripling warriors in the Book of Mormon valiantly fought a fierce battle against a savage hoard and emerged unscathed. When asked how they managed to endure such a chaotic blood bath, they thanked their mothers for the atmosphere they created in their homes. Our moms must keep house just like theirs did. Otherwise none of us would have survived Blazer Day Camp."

Speaker: Sister Fiona Harold -- "Mothers Who Know."

"Mothers who know have children. I mean, like, they sort of have to. Or else they can't exactly call themselves mothers. At least not ones who know. Can they?" 

Special Musical Number: Fourth Ward Men's Choir -- Praise to the Man

Speaker: Brother G. Rulon Hunsucker -- "Wife - Mother - CEO."

"Under the direction of her husband, a Mother in Zion leads a great and eternal organization. She has every reason to call herself a CEO, and receive all of the benefits that accompany the title, with the exception of a paycheck, an office, employees, an expense account, a custodial staff, paid vacation, a lunch hour, and any authority whatsoever."  

Closing Hymn: #292 O My Father

Benediction: Brother Bromley

Afterward the Aaronic Priesthood will distribute the following gifts accordingly:

Mothers of 5 or more children who have served missions and married in the temple:

 Ten gallon rose bush.

Mothers of less than 5 children who have served missions and married in the temple:

 Five gallon rose bush.

Young mothers who are raising their children to serve missions and marry in the temple:

 One gallon rose bush.

Mothers of less valiant children:

 Bare root rose.

Working and/or single moms:

 Seed packet.

Sisters who aren't mothers:

 A bag of manure. 

Upon completion of the distribution of gifts, ward members are released to the Cultural Hall for a four course Mother's Day feast, prepared and served by the Relief Society.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send the Aaronic Priesthood over with the surplus manure.

LDS Women Brace For Another Mother's Day

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Mother's Day Sacrament Meeting

In anticipation of the inevitable complaints about this Sunday's Mother's Day program, I remind you of a previous Sacrament Meeting under the direction of Bishop Brent Loomis, whose shocking murder remains unsolved.

Sacrament Meeting

Presiding: Bishop Brent Loomis

Abbottsville Fourth Ward -- Mother's Day Service

Conducting: Bishop Loomis

Pianist: Sister Peterson

Music Director: Brother Souter

Opening Hymn:  #27 Praise to the Man

Opening Prayer: Brother Harold

Ward Business: Bishop Loomis

Sacrament Hymn: #171 With Humble Heart

Administration of the Sacrament by the Aaronic Priesthood

Youth Speaker: Brad Miller -- "Honoring my Priesthood: How I Preside Over my Mother."

Speaker: Sister Rae Ann Darcy -- "Scrapbooking is Special."

Special Musical Number: Fourth Ward Men's Choir -- See the Mighty Priesthood Gathered

Speaker: Bishop Brent Loomis -- "Dressed for Satan's Success: the effect of the feminine pantsuit on our society."

Closing Hymn: #340 The Star Spangled Banner


Benediction: Brother Renfro


***While worldly churches wallow in appreciation today, we, as members of the one and only true church, will focus on what really matters: worthiness. In that spirit, rewards will be meted out as follows:

Mothers of 5 or more children who have served missions and married in the temple: Horseshoe floral bouquet.

Mothers of less than 5 children who have served missions and married in the temple: Two dozen roses.

Young mothers who are raising their children to serve missions and marry in the temple: One dozen roses.

Mothers of less valiant children: Wrist corsage.

Working and/or single moms: One carnation.

Single sisters: A dandelion.

Upon completion of the distribution of gifts, ward members are released to the Cultural Hall for a four course Mother's Day feast, prepared and served by the Relief Society.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you a dandelion.