And I'm A (Mormon) Christian!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: 'Tis the season for PR!

Our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed us to use the Christmas Season to remind the world that Mormons are a diverse group of hard-working do-gooders like all other CHRISTIANS.

Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has continued to invest in an ad campaign that profiles successful, "hip and edgy" Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to include the message below in your holiday greetings to your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.

Hi, I'm Lucas,

I'm one of the 100 richest men in San Francisco. 


I own a company that cleans up oil slicks. Even during a recession, I'm always in demand!

This Christmas, I plan on giving back by donating all my old clothes to Good Will, then going to the mall and buying new ones.


As a devout CHRISTIAN, my favorite pastimes are reciting the Lord's Prayer and reading the King James Version of the Bible.

Only 2 tubs on the beach for now ...

I have been married for thirty years to ONE woman.


We have four children. They also love reading the King James Version of the Bible.

The Fab Four

On the weekends my buddies and I perform at a little club on Mission Street. 


We're a diverse group. And when we get going, we're smokin' hot.

I put my garments back on as soon as
I'm done

After that we take in the sights, and, if it's warm enough, we stop at one of San Francisco's nude beaches.

I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a CHRISTIAN, a musician, and a monogamist. I have a King James Version of the Bible, and a oil clean-up rig capable of igniting the Pacific Ocean. I'm a husband, a father, and a nudist. 


My name is Lucas Tweedy,

and I'm a Mormon.

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And I'm A Mormon

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Show them we're normal


Our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed the members to convince the world that Mormons are a diverse group of  hard-working do-gooders like everybody else. Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has invested in an ad campaign that profiles successful yet edgier Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to forward the message below to all of your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.  

Hi, I'm Brian,

and I'm the third-richest man in Fresno County. I own a small company that buys repossessed houses then flips them for a healthy profit. 

My car is a Jaguar XKR and my watch is a Patek Phillippe Nautilus. 

I'm a big contributor to the Fresno Philharmonic, and I do my best to recycle.

My wife and I do commercials for Cialis

I've been happily married for thirty years.

We have three sons. They also wear Patek Phillippe watches.

On the weekends my buddies and I ride motorcycles. 

We're a diverse group. I'm pretty sure two are Democrats, and one might even be gay. We love riding our Hogs, even when we wipeout, thanks to our deep-seated masochistic tendencies.

I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a recycler, and a biker. I have a $75,000 watch, and a friend who might be gay. I'd love to buy your home for cheap. I am a husband, a father, and a masochist. My name is Brian Swensen, 

and I'm a Mormon.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, click here and prepare for your heart to be softened.