Mormon General Authorities' Role in The War in Heaven to be Subject of New Mini-Series
The Salt Lake News - published Friday, May 29, 2015
Filmmaker Lowell Swainston (The Naked Testimony, The Naked Testimony 2 1/2) has created a new mini-series that twists the conventional Mormon view of the Pre-Existence. Pre-Mortal Saints: the War on Sex will begin airing this Sunday.
The concept that the most righteous spirits in the Pre-Existence were destined for greatness in this mortal life has been long embraced by believing Mormons. Traditionally, this meant that the most valiant in the pre-life, most specifically during the fabled "War in Heaven," were slated for top positions in the Mormon hierarchy. But recently, monumental bungling by the Brethren coupled with the dawn of a surprising strain of rational thought have brought this theory into question.
"Over the years, the General Authorities have devoted the better portion of their lives to fighting masturbation, gay sex, pre-marital sex, oral sex, kinky sex, sex education, sexual freedom, sexy thoughts, sexy underwear, anything and everything remotely sexual," Swainston explained. "Despite the relative success of their efforts, these seem like weak issues compared to the causes championed by Dr. Martin Luther King or Mahatma Gandhi. It made me wonder, what exactly did these bozos do up there to land a GA gig down here?"
His curiosity piqued, Swainston posed the question on Twitter, drawing over 500 tweets inside of an hour.
"The general consensus was that the Brethren must have dedicated their pre-mortal lives to the obliteration of all forms of sexual pleasure," Swainston explained. "Once I had that figured out, the whole thing sort of wrote itself."
Excerpt from Episode 1:
Scene: Colonel Barack Obama is standing in a Telestial High School hallway opposite rising seniors, Boyd K. Packer, Mark E. Petersen and Spencer W. Kimball
Obama: Good afternoon, young patriots, I understand you have served valiantly in your posts as hall monitors for the boys bathroom.
Packer, Petersen and Kimball: Yes sir!
Obama: I've come here to enlist your support in the War in Heaven. Young Packer, are you up to the challenge?
Packer: Sir, yes sir! Only...
Obama: Only what?
Packer: Only I hate to leave my work here. It's essential to the preservation of my little factory, and to the safety of that of my fellow brethren as well.
Obama: Exactly what is your little factory?
Packer: Sir, it's my link to the creation, the life blood of my power down on earth, the vital essence of my godhood.
Obama: Packer, what the hell are you talking about?
Packer: My penis and testicles, sir.
Obama: So you're saying that serving in the War in Heaven might endanger your dick?
Packer: Maybe, sir. Where might I be called to serve?
Obama: The campaigns of Generals Eleanor Roosevelt, Alexander the Great, and Albert Einstein are all in desperate need.
Packer: A woman, a gay and an intellectual? I'm sorry, sir, but they pose the three most vital threats to my little factory.
Obama: I can see why you might think that. What about you, Petersen? Worried about your vitals too?
Petersen: Sir, yes sir! That's how it all starts. I leave my post and first thing you know I'll be touching myself outside of normal toilet processes. That's how it always starts. (whimpers) I do my best to control myself - I leave the bathroom and shower doors open, dress in constrictive clothing, snack constantly, tie my hand to the bed rail, imagine myself in a tub of worms ... I even scream STOP at the top of my lungs.
Obama: And none of this works?
Petersen: (dabs brow with hanky) Something always happens to trip me up. Maybe I see myself in the mirror naked or I eat a little too much spicy food or I wake up with a full bladder, and bam! I'm at it all over again.
Obama: Thanks for sharing that, Petersen.
Petersen: Sir, yes sir!
Obama: Kimball, what do you have to say for yourself?
Kimball: Sir, I would like to say that I think your people - that the Negroes - are as righteous as we Whites in the Pre-Existence. Native Americans are too. And I plan to preach equality when I am on Earth.
Obama: That's commendable, son.
Kimball: I also intend to stand against nuclear proliferation.
Obama: Excellent. So will you join us in the War in Heaven?
Kimball: I'd like to, sir. But I don't think I can after last night.
Obama: Last night?
Kimball: Colonel, at a weak moment I began to masturbate...that led to group masturbation...that led to an act of homosexuality...and then... (his eyes tear up)
Obama: And then what?
Kimball: (exhales) I had sex with my horse.
Obama: (glares back at him) Your horse? Kimball, I admit that out of the lot of you turkeys you are probably the only one I would agree to have a beer with. Still, you are one sick and twisted son of a gun.
Kimball: Sir, yes sir!
Obama: You three are unfit for duty in the War in Heaven. I order you to stand your posts here in the Telestial High School boys room and reap the eternal consequence.
Packer, Petersen, Kimball: (raise their arms in salutes) Sir, yes sir.
Obama: (briefly returns salute) At ease.
Petersen: Oh no, sir. That's how it all starts.
Nine episodes of Pre-Mortal Saints are scheduled to air this season. However, based on viewer demand, the filmmaker will consider an extension of the project. "Every LDS General Authority played his own unique role in the global war on sex," Swainston told the News.
Showing posts with label Salt Lake News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Salt Lake News. Show all posts
Friday, May 29, 2015
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Mormon Persecution Museum Opens
Persecution Museum Now Open on Temple Square
The Salt Lake News - published Wednesday, April 15, 2015
SALT LAKE CITY - The Mormon Persecution Museum opens to the public today. The newest attraction on Temple Square, it boasts an impressive collection of historical artifacts, artwork, film and photography that depicts the maltreatment of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In addition to its permanent collection, the museum will also host temporary exhibits. The first of these, The Brethren: Latter-day Martyrs for the Faith, focuses on the marginalization of the current Mormon leadership.
LDS Church curator, Rufus G. Bigelow, passionately promotes the museum's first special event. "Most people don't realize how much abuse is leveled at the humble servants of God who guide and direct our Church," he explained. "Patrons of this exhibit will come away without any doubt of the existence of what the Brethren have long known to be the vast anti-Mormon conspiracy."
Visitors may experience the vast conspiracy Bigelow refers to via multi-media presentations aimed at exposing the Brethren's myriad nemeses. Targets include Feminists, So-Called Intellectuals, So-Called Gays, So-Called Historians, Whiners, Wimps, Comedians, Immodestly Dressed Women and Children, Counterfeit Couples, Mothers Who Think They Know, Part Tithe Payers, The Three Men who Shouted "Opposed" at General Conference, etc.
"The event runs the gamut when it comes to anti-Mormon elements," Bigelow said. "It delves into the mind of each variety of anti-Mormon, examines his particular brand of bitterness, outlines his delusional objectives, and describes his doomed means of achieving them."
Despite the breadth and diversity of its subject, Bigelow says the exhibit successfully stays on message. "The unifying theme is that all of these different forms of bigotry stem from the enemy's collective desire to sin and/or be easily offended."
The LDS General Authorities enjoyed a private tour of the museum on Monday. Their response is said to be highly enthusiastic.
"The Brethren are thrilled by this long overdue retribution," said LDS Church spokesperson, LaDell Dart. "Finally, the world will have the opportunity to see that they are the true victims."
"Already there is talk of expanding," Dart added. "Plans are in the works for an adjoining library, an interpretive center, and maybe even a research institute. In the coming years, the Persecution Museum is expected to grow into a full blown Persecution Complex."
Regular museum hours are Monday through Saturday 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Hours extend to 9:00 p.m. the first Monday of every month to accommodate special Family Home Evenings. Closed Sunday. The "Latter-day Martyrs" exhibit will be on display in the Orrin Porter Rockwell Gallery from now until August 15, 2015.
The Salt Lake News - published Wednesday, April 15, 2015
SALT LAKE CITY - The Mormon Persecution Museum opens to the public today. The newest attraction on Temple Square, it boasts an impressive collection of historical artifacts, artwork, film and photography that depicts the maltreatment of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In addition to its permanent collection, the museum will also host temporary exhibits. The first of these, The Brethren: Latter-day Martyrs for the Faith, focuses on the marginalization of the current Mormon leadership.
LDS Church curator, Rufus G. Bigelow, passionately promotes the museum's first special event. "Most people don't realize how much abuse is leveled at the humble servants of God who guide and direct our Church," he explained. "Patrons of this exhibit will come away without any doubt of the existence of what the Brethren have long known to be the vast anti-Mormon conspiracy."
Visitors may experience the vast conspiracy Bigelow refers to via multi-media presentations aimed at exposing the Brethren's myriad nemeses. Targets include Feminists, So-Called Intellectuals, So-Called Gays, So-Called Historians, Whiners, Wimps, Comedians, Immodestly Dressed Women and Children, Counterfeit Couples, Mothers Who Think They Know, Part Tithe Payers, The Three Men who Shouted "Opposed" at General Conference, etc.
"The event runs the gamut when it comes to anti-Mormon elements," Bigelow said. "It delves into the mind of each variety of anti-Mormon, examines his particular brand of bitterness, outlines his delusional objectives, and describes his doomed means of achieving them."
Despite the breadth and diversity of its subject, Bigelow says the exhibit successfully stays on message. "The unifying theme is that all of these different forms of bigotry stem from the enemy's collective desire to sin and/or be easily offended."
The LDS General Authorities enjoyed a private tour of the museum on Monday. Their response is said to be highly enthusiastic.
"The Brethren are thrilled by this long overdue retribution," said LDS Church spokesperson, LaDell Dart. "Finally, the world will have the opportunity to see that they are the true victims."
"Already there is talk of expanding," Dart added. "Plans are in the works for an adjoining library, an interpretive center, and maybe even a research institute. In the coming years, the Persecution Museum is expected to grow into a full blown Persecution Complex."
Regular museum hours are Monday through Saturday 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Hours extend to 9:00 p.m. the first Monday of every month to accommodate special Family Home Evenings. Closed Sunday. The "Latter-day Martyrs" exhibit will be on display in the Orrin Porter Rockwell Gallery from now until August 15, 2015.
Friday, March 27, 2015
LDS Church Allows Members to be Gay on Facebook
Mormons Now Free to be Gay on Facebook
Salt Lake News - published March 27, 2015
SALT LAKE CITY - In a surprise announcement last week, LDS Church leaders revealed that members will no longer be punished for being gay on Facebook.
In an exclusive interview, church spokesperson, LaRue Walker, told The News, "While they still adamantly oppose gay marriage, the Brethren have determined that coming out on venues as shallow as social media does not pose a threat to an individual's eternal salvation."
Otherwise faithful Mormons may now feel free to "like" gay and lesbian themed pages, join LGBT groups, follow gay advocates, post on their gay and lesbian friends' walls, and write comments favoring gay marriage and other LGBT rights.
"I just changed my cover photo to a rainbow flag," said BYU junior, Homer Filbert, who plans to marry his girlfriend in the Provo temple next month. "Finally I'm free to be me . . . at least on Facebook."
In spite of this encouraging change in policy, Walker urges church members to be discreet and use caution on their Facebook walls. "When in doubt, good Latter-day Saints should post their 'Relationship Status' as 'Single' and leave blank what they're 'Interested In.'"
Salt Lake News - published March 27, 2015
SALT LAKE CITY - In a surprise announcement last week, LDS Church leaders revealed that members will no longer be punished for being gay on Facebook.
In an exclusive interview, church spokesperson, LaRue Walker, told The News, "While they still adamantly oppose gay marriage, the Brethren have determined that coming out on venues as shallow as social media does not pose a threat to an individual's eternal salvation."
Otherwise faithful Mormons may now feel free to "like" gay and lesbian themed pages, join LGBT groups, follow gay advocates, post on their gay and lesbian friends' walls, and write comments favoring gay marriage and other LGBT rights.
"I just changed my cover photo to a rainbow flag," said BYU junior, Homer Filbert, who plans to marry his girlfriend in the Provo temple next month. "Finally I'm free to be me . . . at least on Facebook."
In spite of this encouraging change in policy, Walker urges church members to be discreet and use caution on their Facebook walls. "When in doubt, good Latter-day Saints should post their 'Relationship Status' as 'Single' and leave blank what they're 'Interested In.'"
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