Abbottsville Sisters Struggle To Define Rights

To: Abbottsville Stake Relief Society Sisters
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Abbottsville sisters weigh in on rights!

Dear Sisters,
Congratulations! The following article in the Abbottsville Gazette features some of you:

LDS Women Struggle To Define Their Rights

By MORRIS MATHESON

Published: January 23, 2013

ABBOTTSVILLE, CA -- During a recent BYU Devotional, the LDS General Young Women's president stirred up mass confusion within Abbottsville's Mormon community when she made the following statement:

"Young women, you will be the ones who will provide the example of virtuous womanhood and motherhood. You will continue to be virtuous, lovely, praiseworthy and of good report. You will also be the ones to provide an example of family life in a time when families are under attack, being redefined and disintegrating. You will understand your roles and your responsibilities and thus will see no need to lobby for rights."

Ever obedient, local Mormon women are eager to heed their leader's counsel. However it is unclear if the Young Women's president was referring to women's rights in general, such as equal pay for equal work, if she was reacting to the internal controversy over "LDS feminists" wearing pants to church, or if she was simply citing the everyday privileges the average Mormon woman seeks to obtain. For example, the right to open her own door.

"I really wish the Brethren would offer some clarity here," LDS housewife, Fiona Harold said. "It took me forty-five minutes to exit the pharmacy just now, and I still have to pick up my dry cleaning."

While some struggle to open doors, others take refuge in their assigned roles.

"I think the key here is sticking to what we have always understood to be our place," Renee Newsome, a local LDS Young Women's leader, said in a telephone interview. "Until I hear otherwise, I'm spending the entire day in the bedroom. Just to be safe."

LDS Church Headquarters has yet to comment on this matter.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, then you need to read more Mormon-themed blogs!

GO HERE TO VOTE IN THE 2012 BRODIE AWARDS

A Word From The Bishop

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Time Management

I have a strong testimony of our inspired lay priesthood, and am humbled by my calling as bishop. But we all know that combining church responsibilities with our daily routine has its challenges. Here are some suggestions.

Multi-task.
After all, we have two hands. Why not butter toast with one and iron with the other? Or shave and eat at the same time? Is there a magazine rack in your bathroom? Throw out those old issues and replace them with more utilitarian items, like your unpaid bills, Priesthood lesson manual, maybe even a vegetable peeler. All it takes is a little creativity. Yesterday evening I arrived at the meeting house to find Sister Peterson in the ward library, organizing the Primary class materials and listening to her daughter's recital on speaker phone. Her bread dough sat rising on the counter. Then I came upon the Harold family, blending their church cleaning assignment with a family/date night. They swept the cultural hall with a rousing game of broom hockey, emptied the ward refrigerator for refreshments, then afterward, Brother and Sister Harold escaped to scour the men's room . . . alone.

Rethink your sleep habits.
Eight hours is simply not an option for active Mormons. Cut that time in half and compensate with brief power naps throughout the day. I keep a pillow in both my car and office for that purpose. I've also mastered the art of open-eyed sleeping. Through self-hypnosis, a person can appear awake while his brain is actually asleep. (Think Sarah Palin during her interview with Katie Couric.) I fall back on the practice during staff meetings, mindless routines at work, my wife's family reunions, you name it.

Don't beat yourself up.
Remember that perfection is an eternal rather than temporal goal. Magnify your church callings and roll with the rest. Sisters, so what if the dishes aren't done, your hair's not combed, your dress is on backwards and you can't find all of the children. At least you did your visiting teaching. Brethren don't fret about the overgrown yard, leaky gas tank, or the band of coworkers who call you "doofus." Did you help collect the Fast Offering? Pat yourself on the back.

***Correction: My apologies to the young men in the ward who mistakenly received my employer's form 10-Q quarterly report last week. My intended message, "Hands Off: Tips on Avoiding Masturbation," was sent to the Securities and Exchange Commission.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, check this box.