Dealing with Visiting Teacher Dodgers

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Ramona Barnes, Ward Visiting Teaching Coordinator
Subject: What to do when your visiting teachee keeps dodging you

I call, I text, I stop by. When she doesn't answer, I stand on her front porch and belt out, Love at Home. When she still doesn't answer, I hot glue 50 packs of M&M's to her front door. I follow her on social media. I follow her to work, to the dentist, and to the mall. I wait in front of her bathroom stall at Nordstrom. But still I get nothing.

At first I thought it was me. But, in talking with friends, I've realized this kind of reception is common among sisters. So, what's a woman to do when she gets rejected time and time again?

Here are a few tips I've learned through my colorful history with visiting teacher dodgers.

Think Outside the Box

Oftentimes our less active sisters dodge their visiting teachers because they don't like the idea of visiting teaching. They're deluded into thinking it's just some time-consuming, boundary-invasive imposition that saddles a sister with a couple of nosey, fake friends.

For example, a few years ago I was assigned to visit an inactive sister in our ward. I tried everything. Texts, emails, treats on her doorstep, notes on her car. Nothing. Not even so much as a text to tell me that she acknowledged my existence.

I decided to think outside the box and not even try to entice her to be "visit taught." Instead I posted on Facebook that I was dying to get a pedicure, thinking she would jump at the chance to go with--because, even though we've never met--I knew she would be dying to get a pedicure. She blocked me.

Since I could no longer reach her on Facebook, I went to her house and rang the bell. When she didn't answer, I banged on the door. She opened it and told me to go away. Undeterred, I refused to leave until she agreed to go for a pedicure. She threatened to call the police. I went back the next day. And the next. She got a restraining order.

I'm still hopeful. A restraining order only means I have to observe a certain physical boundary, meaning I can keep doing creative, outside-the-box sorts of things, just from 30 feet away. (In her case I have to wait outside the bathroom at Nordstrom.)

Learn About Her Life

Real friendships take time, work, and constant communication. But a visiting teacher can't wait for all that. Without warning, the ward boundaries might be realigned or the Relief Society presidency might change. In a matter of months a visiting teacher could be assigned a whole new set of best friends.

For that reason, a successful visiting teacher needs to whip out her detective skills. Thank goodness Heavenly Father has provided us with the technology! Social media like the online ward directory, Facebook, Instagram, etc. are terrific tools for getting to know your visiting teacher dodger. (I'm Facebook friends with my inactive sister again, thanks to that fake profile I set up.)

If you're not inclined to sign up for any type of social media, try staking out her neighborhood. Interview her neighbors under the guise of a census taker or Homeland Security, or hang around her kids' school so you can strike up a conversation with her when she picks them up. Even better, pick up her kids, then she'll have to talk to you if she wants them back.

Be Persistent

I know how hard it can be to always have your texts, calls, and messages ignored, especially by someone you really care about but haven't actually met. But if you want any measure of success with a visiting teacher dodger, persistence is key.

My work on that inactive sister is paying off. When I saw her in Nordstrom yesterday she didn't even swear at me. She just walked out of the bathroom, rolled her eyes, and went on her way.

Photo courtesy of InsanaD

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll assume you're dying to get a pedicure.

LDS Business Owner Adjusts Corporate Policy Under Cover of Religious Freedom

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Virgil Hanson, Ward Employment Specialist
Subject: Opportunities at Party On Abbottsville! 

Ward members who are looking for work may new find openings at Party On Abbottsville! soon.

Buoyed by Hobby Lobby's recent Supreme Court victory, Brian Samuelson, the devout Mormon owner of our local party supply chain has boldly changed company policy to reflect LDS values. Read the in-store memo below:

To All Employees

In light of the Supreme Court ruling on Burwell v. Hobby Lobby, the employees at Party On Abbottsville! will now be required to enjoy the lifestyle and religious freedoms embraced by believing members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.    

Effective immediately:

All male employees will wear white dress shirts, ties, navy blue polyester slacks and have no facial hair, tattoos or piercings.

All female employees will wear calf-length denim jumpers, gingham-checked blouses and only one earring per ear.

All employees will abstain from alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, and caffeinated soft drinks.

Ten percent of employee salaries will be donated to the LDS Church. 

Gay employees may remain on staff so long as they are celibate.

Women may remain on staff so long as they are single, have no children at home, and do not expect equal pay.

Only church approved reading material will be permitted in the break rooms. All employee areas will be monitored, including bathroom stalls.

Health benefits will no longer cover the following:

contraceptives

anti-depressants

pain killers

prescription laxatives

We understand that some members of the Party On Abbottsville! team may be opposed to the above policies. We respect their right to object silently, in their own minds. But any vocal opposition will be met with immediate termination. 

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we respect your right to protest silently, in your own mind.