Sanity On Campus

Need Sanity? New business delivers at BYU
The Salt Lake News - published December 6, 2013

Inspired by the popular startup, Caffeine on Campus, a group of five launched Sanity on Campus, a business that offers another commodity not typically found at the Lord's University: saneness.

"We saw that there was a modest demand and absolutely no supply," Jeff Blackburn, a sophomore studying biology and part of the team behind the sanity service, told The News. "I know personally there have been days when I've just come out of a church history class, or my religion professor was explaining evolutionary theory, or someone at a ward mix and mingle claimed he was one of the Three Nephites, and I just had to have some sanity. In every case I had to walk to the nearest off-campus convenience store before I could find anything that was remotely not nuts."

After two weeks, the new website, sanityoncampus, received over 5,000 hits. Nevertheless, the young entrepreneurs don't expect to become millionaires. For now, they are limiting their inventory to some basic services for that small niche market of the BYU student body who are tired of acting completely bonkers.

"The demand isn't big enough for the Office of Student Life to bother changing its whole system," Blackburn explained. "We aren't pushing for BYU to make changes in what they offer as far as sanity goes. Nor are we attempting to change the longstanding LDS cultural tradition of en masse delusion. We hope people see us more as an extremely fast delivery service dedicated to keeping our small client base from totally cracking up."

Currently the groups' extremely fast deliveries are limited to: birth control - attractive underwear - intelligent political commentary - alternatives to ranch dressing - marriage proposal solutions that don't require video equipment, Donny Osmond impersonations, or a football stadium card section - and finally, a sympathetic listener who doesn't object when an otherwise reasonable person rants and screams and drops the F-bomb.

So far, the Sanity on Campus team has not had any pushback from BYU. Other student efforts -- including an online petition urging the school to allow students to gather daily for "ten minutes of rational conversation" -- have fallen short. Last October, a student carrying a book on mitochondrial DNA was chased off campus by BYU security.

The FAQ's on Coke and Pepsi

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville stake
Subject: Getting it right on Coke and Pepsi

Recently there has been some public debate over whether or not the LDS Church permits its members to drink caffeinated soft drinks. I recently read this thoughtful explanation in the FAQ section on a church approved website:

Word of Wisdom FAQ's

What is the Word of Wisdom?
--The Word of Wisdom is an inspired "ahead of its time" revelation from the Lord that has protected the members' health for generations. 

Do Mormons take the entire revelation literally?
--Of course.

Do the Mormons avoid eating "too much meat" as instructed in the Word of Wisdom?
--Well, maybe not that literally.

How about the part about "moderation in all things?"
--Ditto.

May they use alcohol or tobacco for "medicinal purposes" as the revelation states?
--Not unless they want to be damned.

What part of the Word of Wisdom do Mormons obey?
--Members abstain from tobacco, alcohol and hot drinks.

How do the Mormons interpret "hot drinks?
--"Hot drinks" are taken to mean tea and coffee.

So caffeinated drinks?
--No, the Word of Wisdom says nothing about caffeine. It only prohibits "hot drinks."

Are Mormons allowed to drink caffeinated soft drinks?
--Yes. Soft drinks are cold.

Then iced coffee and iced tea are allowed?
--Only if they're laced with high fructose corn syrup.

If the issue is temperature and not caffeine, why is it that I see so many Mormons drinking hot chocolate?
--Probably because it's so fattening.

Why don't the Brethren issue a statement saying unequivocally that caffeinated soft drinks are permitted?
--The Brethren don't want to say that caffeinated soft drinks are okay because that would sound as though they approve. On the other hand, if they say they're off limits, it might imply that the Brethren don't let the members make a single decision for themselves.

So caffeinated soft drinks are in league with PG movies, colored dress shirts, bermuda shorts and registering to vote as an Independent?
--Yes. In fact caffeinated soft drinks are available for sale in the restaurants at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and at The Lion House.

But not at BYU?
No. There's no demand at BYU.

Why is that?
Because if a BYU student were ever to be seen drinking a caffeinated Coke, he would be judged by his classmates, shunned by his ward, and never be able to get a another date.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you're one of those Mormons who parades around in bermuda shorts.