Out And About The Abbottsville Fourth

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward society columnist
Subject: Ward Society Page, vol. 2

Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward

by Millie Loomis

It's amazing what a sister learns when she's out and about the ward. For example, the Harolds missed another house payment, the Turleys finally cleaned out the interior of their Suburban, and a new bed was recently delivered to the Maxwells. (An anonymous source claims that both the bed and Brother Maxwell have moved into the den.)

Other than that, love is in the air for the Fourth Ward, and just in time for Valentine's Day. Brian Miller and Tessie Smith have announced their intention to marry. The ceremony will take place as soon as possible, and will NOT be solemnized in the temple. The Sorensons escaped for a romantic weekend at their cabin at Lake Tahoe. -- I'm guessing that means Brother Sorenson finally got that prescription filled. ;) And Brother Gibson went out on an actual date!

The Relief Society again achieved 100% Visiting Teaching. Even poor Sister Banta got a visit. (The key is to arrive at her house before 10:00 AM so she isn't too ... you know.)

However tithing settlement was not so successful this year. The bishop is still waiting for the McGruffs, the Skousens, and Brother Gibson to come to his office and declare their income. If they don't do so soon, they can expect to lose their good standing in the ward, and any credibility whatsoever. Also, the bishop would like to extend his apology to the Russells. Acting on the suspicion that they hadn't paid an honest tithe, he demanded they submit their tax return. They complied -- and come to find out -- their donation really was 10% of Brother Russell's salary. (Oh dear!)

The Republican primaries have kept Brother Newsome of the Stake Public Affairs Council very busy. In addition to making cool, hip "And I'm a Mormon" ads, he's also engaged in a letter-writing campaign to stop the nosy liberals who want Mitt Romney to release his tax return. Honestly, have they no respect for privacy?

Finally, earlier this month Brother Payson was rushed to the Emergency Room with severe chest pains. Thank goodness the cause was only acute constipation! (My guess is the culprits are his sedentary lifestyle, an excessively high body mass index, and Sister Payson's Velveeta Sausage Pie.)

And that's the news from Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward!

**If you don't want to be mentioned in this column, I suggest you lock all your doors, shutter your windows, disconnect your phone, and unplug your computer.**

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send over one of Sister Payson's Velveeta Sausage Pies.

Out And About The Abbottsville Fourth

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self appointed ward society columnist
Subject: Ward society page debut!

Dear fellow ward members,

Out of the goodness of my heart, I've agreed to pen a ward society column. It will be a fun, lighthearted piece dedicated to keeping us all connected. Enjoy!

Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward

by Millie Loomis

It's amazing what a sister learns when she's out and about the ward. For example, the Sorensons have a new car! (They're leasing.) The Turleys finally have all of their kids out of diapers (for now.) And Brother and Sister Payson took a romantic trip to Hawaii. (For the record, the Paysons want me to report that this was a FREE vacation bought with points earned through Brother Payson's business travel. Also, they attended all of their church meetings, visited the Hawaii temple, read their scriptures, and spent only one hour on the beach.)

Kimmie Madsen, Tyler Smith, and Derek Young all turned 8 this month and were baptized and confirmed members of the one and only true church. Unfortunately, Petey Skousen's baptism had to be delayed because of his pants-wetting problem. But as soon as he proves he can control his bladder for a sustained period, he will be allowed to wade into the font to be washed clean of his sins.

The Relief Society is proud to report they achieved 100% Visiting Teaching this month. Every single sister was visited, including poor Sister Banta. (Her Visiting Teachers were smart this time and dropped by in the early AM -- before she'd consumed too many cocktails.) 

Likewise, the Elders Quorum is proud to report that all 23 of it's members have successfully impregnated their wives. -- Even Brother Russell, whose sperm count has recovered since he gave up porn. : )

Also, I have finally gotten to the bottom of that embarrassing coffee pot sighting in the Belnap household. It turns out that Sister Belnap's mother is a non-member who insists on drinking coffee when she visits. The Belnaps want everyone in the ward to know that they would never tolerate such rudeness if Sister Belnap wasn't the sole heir to her mother's enormous fortune.

The Vincents had a scare this month when they learned that their son, Davey Vincent, had a date with a non-member! Acting on the authority of his priesthood, Brother Vincent immediately rushed him to the ER to check for STD's. Thankfully, the boy is fine. Whew! It was a close call, though.

And, on a sad note, Sister Viola Dixon, age 89, passed peacefully into the next life last Thursday. She left behind 6 children, 42 grandchildren, 102 great-grandchildren, and a 60 year supply of bottled cherries. The ward took the fermented jars over to poor Sister Banta.

And that's the news from Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth! 

**If you don't want to be mentioned in this column, I suggest you lock all your doors, shutter your windows, disconnect your phone, and unplug your computer.**

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, ditto the above.