From: J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Sex is not for fun!
Thanks to Tea Party activist, Jerome Corsi, I have decided to lower the ward threat level to orange. A nonmember, but nevertheless a champion of traditional marriage, Corsi made the following inspired observation before a conservative gathering in Oregon:
“If you want to have fun, read a book, go to a movie. Sex is about the procreation of children. It’s a sacred responsibility that is meant by God to have men and women commit their lifetime to children.”
As members of the one and only true church, we have always known there are plenty of things that are funner than sex. Recently, the Brethren compiled a list of alternative activities. Here is an excerpt:
Church Approved Alternatives to Sex
- Read a book
- Watch a movie
- Tinker in your garage
- Macrame
- Rearrange the furniture
- Take pictures of old barns
- Watch FOXNews
- Whittle
- Tend your bonsai
- Pay your tithing
- Eat prunes
- Complete a jigsaw puzzle
- Scrapbook
- Watch General Conference
- Yahtzee!
The complete list is available as a 175 MB PDF file and may be downloaded off the church website.
This concludes this ward preparedness update.
If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we suggest you get out a jigsaw puzzle.
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