To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother Sid Dooley, ward spiritual giant
Subject: Boosting the Lord's economy
Last week I had the opportunity to visit Salt Lake City, the capitol of Heavenly Father's dynasty, and the subject of a fascinating article in BloombergBusinessweek. My first stop was the temple where I completed an endowment session for and on the behalf of Zedekiah Baxter, who is dead. After the session, I passed into the Celestial Room where I was greeted by three gentlemen in white. They asked me to assist them in the Lord's errand. I immediately recognized them as the Three Nephites, and, of course, agreed.
We hopped into their shiny new Lexus (TM) and sped over to the Lord's newest place of worship, City Creek Center.
"Brother Dooley," said Nephite #1. "We are about to embark on a new mission, and we need your help."
"I am proud to be of assistance," I told them.
"Good," said Nephite #1. "But first we must determine your worthiness. May I see your American Express Card?" (AXP)
"Absolutely," I replied.
Nephite #1 quickly ran it through the scanner attachment on his iPhone. (AAPL) "You're worthy," he said, and pocketed my card.
"What is this new mission?" I asked.
"Well," #2 explained, "changing all those flat tires went a long way toward helping the Lord's servants. But it wasn't doing anything for His portfolio."
"I see, He wants you to switch to raising Him some heavenly capital," I said.
"Right," said #3. "But first we need to look the part. So, ONE TWO THREE -- let's go shopping!"
We began at Macy's (M) where all Three Nephites were fitted out with brand new Hugo Boss suits. ($2800) From there we went to Nordstrom (JWN) and shopped men's furnishings for some socks, shirts, and neckties. ($280) Then we ascended into the shoe department where, thanks to my worthiness, the Nephites acquired some new black wingtips. ($1200) Finally, we completed their new look at Tiffany & Company (TIF) with 3 new Atlas Chronograph watches. ($27,000)
Our business complete, I wished them luck with their new endeavor. Nephite #1 returned my credit card.
"Thank you, Brother Dooley, for your contribution to the Lord's portfolio," he said. "You may now expect a pre-tithe return of $31,280 worth of heavenly blessings."
I couldn't be more pleased with an investment. I wandered along in a blissful daze until I saw a familiar face smiling my way. It was none other than Zedekiah Baxter, who is dead.
"Brother Dooley!" he cried. "Thanks for doing that endowment on and for my behalf."
"Think nothing of it," I replied. "What brings you to the mall, Brother Baxter?"
"I'm on my way to Banana Republic. (GPS) The Celestial Kingdom isn't cheap these days and I don't want to show up looking shabby."
"Good thinking, brother," I said, and wished him happy shopping.
If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you must present your American Express card. (AXP)
Note from blog owner: Check out this article in Salon.com written by postmormon girl!
Friday, July 13, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
Heaven Up Here by John K. Williams
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Another Ward Gossip book review!
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Another Ward Gossip book review!
by
John K. Williams
I never served an LDS mission. But I have known my share of Mormon missionaries and have viewed them from varying perspectives.
First I watched my friends leave on their missions. Almost all of them were nineteen-year-old boys. When they returned they looked and acted like thirty-five-year-old men. I knew this transformation occurred because they had just come back from a deeply profound and gratifying experience. The reason I knew this was because each one of them stood in Sacrament Meeting and described his mission as being "the best two years of his life."
First I watched my friends leave on their missions. Almost all of them were nineteen-year-old boys. When they returned they looked and acted like thirty-five-year-old men. I knew this transformation occurred because they had just come back from a deeply profound and gratifying experience. The reason I knew this was because each one of them stood in Sacrament Meeting and described his mission as being "the best two years of his life."
Later, as a grown-up doubting Mormon, these "thirty-five-year-old men" went back to being boys. --Boys who came to dinner at our house every month and spent the better part of the meal encouraging us to help them annoy our neighbors.
After that, as an ex-Mormon, I saw them as squirrelly, self-righteous little twits who sometimes compelled me to slam my door in their faces.
Then in April 2011 I went to Broadway's Eugene O'Neill Theater and watched a couple of adorable goofball Elders do their darndest to win the hearts of a small Ugandan tribe.
Elder Price: Africa is nothing like The Lion King. I think that movie took a lot of artistic license.
Fun romp that it was, The Book of Mormon reminded me of how young and clueless these "thirty-five-year-old boys" really are. While LDS leaders claim that the musical is inaccurate and "anti-Mormon," Parker and Stone's play goes a long way toward showing outsiders why LDS young people choose to serve and complete missions, even when their presence in a culture makes absolutely no sense. Since seeing the play on stage, I've been less inclined to slam my door. I imagine others who have seen it have had a similar change of heart.
Then last month I read John K. Williams book, Heaven Up Here. And finally, thirty-some years after seeing my friends leave on their missions, I understand why so many come home looking fifteen years older.
Heaven Up Here begins in the pristine setting of Brigham Young University where Williams spends what most college students would consider a bizarrely sober and chaste freshman year. Then, upon receiving a call to serve in Bolivia, he enters the Missionary Training Center where he learns Spanish, memorizes missionary lessons, and is taught that Bolivia is well-equipped with modern conveniences and that the people will beg to be baptized.
Thus prepared, Elder Williams embarks on what he knows will be "the best two years of his life."
His first area is high in the Andes, where he is immediately stricken with altitude sickness. After that he falls prey to various parasites, as do most others in the mission. He describes "brown outs," a slang term for on the spot diarrhea emergencies, and a siege of nausea that causes him to vomit six-inch worms. He endures filthy living conditions, a painful treatment at a horrific medical facility, and dangerous outbursts of political unrest that in one instance almost costs him his life. Such stressful conditions take a toll on many of his companions who grapple with depression, near insanity, and suicidal tendencies. Some of the Elders even drink and become sexually promiscuous. But painful and bizarre as his conditions are, the thought of returning home early is even more painful. So Elder Williams commits to staying the duration, and even lies to his parents about his health and well-being. On top of that, when he is given the opportunity to extend his mission from eighteen months to two years, he immediately agrees.
In spite of the negative experiences, Williams' narrative never presents itself as an expose of Mormon missions, nor does it condemn the LDS Church. It is an elegantly written memoir told in the voice of a believing young man who doesn't rely on tiresome faith-promoting morals. And not all of his experiences are negative.
At what is perhaps the lowest point of the story, Elder Williams glumly realizes that he has completed eighteen months of his mission and could be going home. Soon after that he is transferred to the Bolivian rainforest where he picks cashews off of trees and a macaw alights on his companion's shoulder. The heat is oppressive, but after eighteen months in the country, Elder Williams is used to climate extremes. Also his experience finally enables him to navigate the culture with ease. He interacts with some interesting Bolivian characters, takes shopping trips to Brazil, and has a humorous encounter with a mid-level drug dealer. He spends an unforgettable Christmas with a humble and loving Bolivian family. Then on his last day in the country, he rides a bicycle for the first and only time. It is an ending that is far more faith-promoting than any Sacrament Meeting homecoming talk, and even makes this cynical ex-Mormon feel grateful that Williams decided to extend his mission.
Heaven Up Here is a must read for believing Mormons, ex-Mormons, and anyone who is interested in an honest account of an LDS mission. Hopefully it will encourage more forthcoming stories about Mormon missionaries, as it did postmormon girl recently.
Elder Price: Africa is nothing like The Lion King. I think that movie took a lot of artistic license.
Fun romp that it was, The Book of Mormon reminded me of how young and clueless these "thirty-five-year-old boys" really are. While LDS leaders claim that the musical is inaccurate and "anti-Mormon," Parker and Stone's play goes a long way toward showing outsiders why LDS young people choose to serve and complete missions, even when their presence in a culture makes absolutely no sense. Since seeing the play on stage, I've been less inclined to slam my door. I imagine others who have seen it have had a similar change of heart.
Then last month I read John K. Williams book, Heaven Up Here. And finally, thirty-some years after seeing my friends leave on their missions, I understand why so many come home looking fifteen years older.
Heaven Up Here begins in the pristine setting of Brigham Young University where Williams spends what most college students would consider a bizarrely sober and chaste freshman year. Then, upon receiving a call to serve in Bolivia, he enters the Missionary Training Center where he learns Spanish, memorizes missionary lessons, and is taught that Bolivia is well-equipped with modern conveniences and that the people will beg to be baptized.
Thus prepared, Elder Williams embarks on what he knows will be "the best two years of his life."
His first area is high in the Andes, where he is immediately stricken with altitude sickness. After that he falls prey to various parasites, as do most others in the mission. He describes "brown outs," a slang term for on the spot diarrhea emergencies, and a siege of nausea that causes him to vomit six-inch worms. He endures filthy living conditions, a painful treatment at a horrific medical facility, and dangerous outbursts of political unrest that in one instance almost costs him his life. Such stressful conditions take a toll on many of his companions who grapple with depression, near insanity, and suicidal tendencies. Some of the Elders even drink and become sexually promiscuous. But painful and bizarre as his conditions are, the thought of returning home early is even more painful. So Elder Williams commits to staying the duration, and even lies to his parents about his health and well-being. On top of that, when he is given the opportunity to extend his mission from eighteen months to two years, he immediately agrees.
In spite of the negative experiences, Williams' narrative never presents itself as an expose of Mormon missions, nor does it condemn the LDS Church. It is an elegantly written memoir told in the voice of a believing young man who doesn't rely on tiresome faith-promoting morals. And not all of his experiences are negative.
At what is perhaps the lowest point of the story, Elder Williams glumly realizes that he has completed eighteen months of his mission and could be going home. Soon after that he is transferred to the Bolivian rainforest where he picks cashews off of trees and a macaw alights on his companion's shoulder. The heat is oppressive, but after eighteen months in the country, Elder Williams is used to climate extremes. Also his experience finally enables him to navigate the culture with ease. He interacts with some interesting Bolivian characters, takes shopping trips to Brazil, and has a humorous encounter with a mid-level drug dealer. He spends an unforgettable Christmas with a humble and loving Bolivian family. Then on his last day in the country, he rides a bicycle for the first and only time. It is an ending that is far more faith-promoting than any Sacrament Meeting homecoming talk, and even makes this cynical ex-Mormon feel grateful that Williams decided to extend his mission.
Heaven Up Here is a must read for believing Mormons, ex-Mormons, and anyone who is interested in an honest account of an LDS mission. Hopefully it will encourage more forthcoming stories about Mormon missionaries, as it did postmormon girl recently.
Heaven Up Here is available in both paperback and as an ebook.
Or purchase a signed copy from the author himself at the upcoming Sunstone Symposium July 25-28. I'll be there too signing copies of The Girls, as will C.L. Hanson, author of ExMormon. There will be more great titles on sale from the Mormon Alumni Association as well.
Or purchase a signed copy from the author himself at the upcoming Sunstone Symposium July 25-28. I'll be there too signing copies of The Girls, as will C.L. Hanson, author of ExMormon. There will be more great titles on sale from the Mormon Alumni Association as well.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Sorry Abbottsville Fourth, This Week You're Spam
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: This week you're spam
From: Donna Banta
Subject: This week you're spam
Because I am having too much fun with my granddaughter, Keya!!
 |
| She is turning 3! |
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
What The World Is Coming To
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: SIGN THIS PETITION!
Following the righteous lead of our fellow Saints in Jordan, Utah, some concerned citizens and I have penned the following petition to the Abbottsville School Board:
We, many concerned parents and community members, present our petition to the Abbottsville School District Board of Education. We wish to express our deepest objection to Abbottsville High School's recent production of the play "Singing in the Rain." This production contained offensive materials not suited for a high school play and was in violation of district policy which requires drama productions to stay within "acceptable community standards." This content included a scantily clad girl jumping out of a cake, explicit descriptions of unnatural sexual liaisons (including a girl who refuses to "make love to a bush"), mockery of traditional marriage (including 2 boys dancing together, a girl and 2 boys in a menage a trois on a sofa, and the aforementioned cake number that featured a bunch of orgasmic girls cavorting in their underwear), near profanity throughout the script, and implied drug use (including a youth so high he runs up the side of a wall, and a strung out kid who is nearly arrested for splashing around in a puddle at an hour that is clearly past his bedtime.)
This play used catchy tunes and slick choreography to support a dark and subversive pro-musical political agenda. Our tax dollars and our students, most of whom are minors, were used to support the erroneous notion that Hollywood musicals are just innocent and carefree vehicles for singing, dancing and wholesome fun. This play is part of a national campaign called the "Singing in the Rain School Theater Project." Its purpose is to inspire our students and our communities to stay up past bedtime, take to the streets, and jump around in puddles.
We demand an apology. This apology should include an admittance of violation of school district policy, an apology for exposing students to (implied) drunken tap dancing, a statement that the depiction of the Hollywood musical as "wholesome fun" did not represent the position of the school or the school district, and an assurance that singing, dancing and near profanity will never be performed onstage again.
Goal: 10,000 signaturesIf you would like to stop receiving these e-mails we'll assume you are up past your bedtime.
***Note from blog owner: Alternatively you could check out the "Dead Man Walking School Theater Project." It's pretty cool!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Sharing The Book Of Mormon
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Pass Out Those BOM's Today!
Recently a member told me that he was hesitant about sharing the Book of Mormon. He claimed to let days, weeks, months, even years pass until he found an intelligent, thoughtful nonmember whom he believed was truly interested. Then, and only then, would he share our sacred text. Sounds reasonable, right? But here's the thing:
There are no thoughtful and intelligent nonmembers because anyone with even a hint of smarts is already a Mormon!
The flaw in my friend's logic got me thinking. We really can't afford to wait for the opportunity to present itself. Think of the poor miserable nonmember. He wants to be happy but he doesn't know how. And the Book of Mormon has every answer he needs. So I decided to make it my answer to all of the questions I was asked during a single workday, thereby inundating the minds of my ignorant coworkers with constant reminders of their one and only true way to happiness.
Here's how it went:
"Hello H. LaVar, how was your weekend?"
"Splendid Myrtle! I spent it reading the Book of Mormon. Here's one for you."
"How are your kids these days?"
"They can't get enough of the Book of Mormon. Here's one for your kids, Joanne."
"I don't have any kids."
"Do you know if there are any more coffee filters?"
"No, but you can always use a Book of Mormon."
"Can you round this estimate up to the thousandths?"
"No, but I can tell you about the thousands of people whose lives have been blessed by the Book of Mormon."
"Say, H. LaVar, my desk keeps wobbling, can you help me level it?"
"Why don't you stick this Book of Mormon underneath one side."
"The drain field kit for the septic system is on back order. What should I tell the client?"
"Tell him we'll overnight a caseload of Book of Mormons."
"Jesus Turley, you were gone for 25 whole minutes and I actually got some work done. Where the hell were you?"
"In the bathroom, Tom, with my Book of Mormon. Here's one for you to take to the stall next time."
"Turley, are you ever going to shut the f$%k up about the godd@#$ed Book of Mormon today?"
"No, Dave, I'm not."
Soon after I answered Dave's question, the office grew uncharacteristically quiet. I peeked over the top of my cubicle to see that all my coworkers had abandoned their desks. Where had they gone? There could be only one conclusion. They were all in the john with the Book of Mormon. I smiled and congratulated myself on my success.
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send your request to Brother Turley who has all the answers.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
The San Francisco Postmormons Are True!
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: F&T at the Ferry Building
Just so you know, Abbottsville Fourth, while you were in your stuffy chapel last Sunday declaring the church is true, apologizing to anyone you may have offended, and promising yourselves you wouldn't cry, I was at the San Francisco Ferry Building having TOO MUCH FUN!! So there.
From: Donna Banta
Subject: F&T at the Ferry Building
Just so you know, Abbottsville Fourth, while you were in your stuffy chapel last Sunday declaring the church is true, apologizing to anyone you may have offended, and promising yourselves you wouldn't cry, I was at the San Francisco Ferry Building having TOO MUCH FUN!! So there.
 |
| Blurriness due to copious amount of champagne consumed by photographer. |
But we didn't just talk books. We moved on to more important matters: Crazy Idaho liquor laws, which of course led to our favorite subject ... The Next Party!
Our last big do was held at my house -- the ideal environment for a General Conference pot luck.
However next time we're gathering at the hip and happening home of Steve and Sarah -- the ideal environment for (what else) an LDS themed COCKTAIL PARTY! That's right, Abbottsville Fourth, and not the kind you like to throw. Potential concoctions for Steve, our expert mixologist:
Our last big do was held at my house -- the ideal environment for a General Conference pot luck.
Sex on the Tabernacle
Choose the Rye
Wymount Babymaker
Laying on of Hands
Cosmo's Politan
Rum & Kolob
Screwed Wifer
Dirty Moroni
Sexy Garments
Sin and Tonic
Got a good recipe? Kindly leave it in the comment field. -- And Abbottsville Fourth, next month please come to the Ferry Building! (You know you want to.)
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