Why A Mormon Should Be President

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: The case for a Mormon presidency

Recently, when Mitt Romney suggested that he relied on his wife to keep him informed on women's issues, he drew criticism from a radical feminist commentator who claimed that Sister Romney had "never worked a day in her life." This attack gave the Romney campaign a prime opportunity to condemn the evil cabal of feminists, gays, and so-called intellectuals who are waging the real war on women.

But it also provided us with another opportunity. That is, it's given us a chance to show America why a Mormon president -- and only a Mormon president -- is uniquely equipped to fix our failing economy.

Unlike worldly non-member statesmen, an LDS president would never blow taxpayer money on some high priced, snobby academic to advise him on women's issues. After all, he has his wife, who's never earned a dime in her life. Likewise, when it comes to advice on other issues, he has the folks in his ward, who don't expect a plug nickel.

Think about it. What if the next president came from the Abbottsville Fourth? Imagine all the free talent he could draw on. For example, Brother Bromley, who's installed the sprinkler systems for every homeowner in the ward; Brother Dale, who makes those cool birdhouses; Brother Turley who lays concrete; and Sister Spencer, who just certified to teach ESL classes. Put their minds to work, and a thrifty LDS commander and chief could eliminate the entire Department of Housing and Urban Development, and at least half of the Department of Education.

As for manning the State Department, no problemo! Nobody has a bigger world view than we do. Brother Harold served a mission in South Korea, I went to Bogota, the Newsome's just got back from one of those Disney cruises, and Elder Young is in the mission field as we speak, busily converting France.

But we'd want to be careful here, about the whole -- you know -- diversity thing. We wouldn't want to appear insensitive. Luckily, nothing is more diverse than a Mormon ward. Here in the Abbottsville Fourth there's Hermano Velasquez, whose home grown chili peppers would make him a shoe-in for Agriculture. Also Brother Pukahi, whose skill with the ukelele ought to land him the VP spot. Then there's Brother Gibson, who isn't married ... or dating. We'd fit him in as well. (So long as he's celibate.)

If we needed to, we could draw more representation from the stake, region, and across the country, without any bias toward race, gender, or sexual orientation.  -- So long as they're all Mormons, of course.

If this does come to pass, our government will be like one giant lay priesthood. It won't cost a dime, and will be worth every penny. Best of all, every American citizen will be living the rich and fulfilling life of a Latter-day Saint -- whether they are one or not.

-- Although we might not want to put it that way. --

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you may be missing out on a key cabinet position.

It's Our Moment!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council and Local Romney Campaign Chair
Subject: the Mormon Moment

Romney has all but clinched the Republican nomination, and it is truly the Mormon Moment. Never before in its history has the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints taken such a forefront on the international stage. At long last, people far and wide will have the opportunity to view a clear and accurate portrayal of the Mormons, our beliefs, and what our organization stands for. And, as I'm sure all of you know...

-- This absolutely can not happen --

It is essential that we are prepared to field those inevitable "gotcha questions" from the community and the media. We advise all ward members to memorize the following talking points:

• I won't talk about the doctrines of my religion. 
• No. Next question.
• We love gays.
• I know all about women's issues because I have to listen to my wife.
• We're just not going to have a discussion about religion in my view.
• Want to borrow my King James Bible?
• We love women.
• I'm a strong believer of the faith of my fathers.
• I'm as liberal as the next guy.
• Don't go there.
• Did you know that Orem, Utah is Family City USA?
• We love blacks.
• I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
• We don't want a pastor-in-cheif. 
• Because they were offended and wanted to sin.
• Want to see my tattoo?
• I never tap-danced on my mission. Not even once.
• We're not a weird people.
• Want me to do your genealogy?
• Guess what! I just won a skateboard competition.
• I don't even want my own planet.
• Believe me buddy, ONE wife's already more than I can handle! -- Snort.
• Why can't people just leave us alone?
• I don't know that we teach that.
• We've always had our enemies.
• That's a lie!
• No hablo Ingles.

The above responses have been successfully tested in numerous focus groups. However if, for some reason, they fail to work, just cover your ears and sing out America the Beautiful.

Vote for Romney!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, the answer is NO. Next question.

Another General Conference Feast

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: General Conference was super yummy!

Last October, I took a trip to Utah to visit friends and family, take in the beauty of Sundance Canyon, attend another awesome Ex-Mormon Conference, and visit the prestigious food storage mecca, Shelf Reliance, where I purchased a freeze dried entree for a future potluck at my house. Since the #10 size can had a 5 year shelf life, there was no rush to set a date. So we waited for the obvious occasion to roll around: The 182nd Semi-Annual Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, held (appropriately) on April 1.

It was the perfect pairing! Think of it this way:

Movie -- Coke and popcorn.

Ball game -- Beer and hot dogs.

General Conference -- Jell-O and dehydrated chicken flakes.

Just add water -- or snack on it dry!

Ali and Eric brought the Jell-O!

Now the world would have you believe that preparing a chicken dinner means going all the way to the store for hoity toity ingredients with virtually no shelf life:

Only available at high end supermarkets

Then roasting it for over an hour in a hot oven:

Tastes okay tonight, but what about 5 years from now?

But thanks to the staff in my Post-Mormon Test Kitchen, we've learned that it's much easier to grab a can from your food storage, add water, and, in no time flat have this:

Delicious for a decade.

But wait there's more! After dinner, we went on to dessert. Our pastry chef, Sarah, prepared two batches of brownies: one using hot water and a freeze-dried brownie mix; the other using a "from scratch" recipe she found in that venerable academic review, BYU Magazine. 

She conducted a blind taste test:

Sarah was way scientific.

Guess what?! The freeze dried batch won.

(More proof that girls don't need to go to college.)

For good measure, we did have conference on in the background. But everyone agreed that the 182nd was a major snore-fest. We concluded that the Brethren were doing their best to avoid interfering with the Romney Campaign. (If that's the case, does it mean they actually know how obnoxious their opinions are?)

In addition to crazy GA's, we also discussed crazy Mormon exes, crazy Mormon parents, crazy Mormon siblings, crazy Mormon friends, and crazy Mormon ex-friends. Also the long suffering nice Mormons who put up with us, and the sneaky and ingenious Mormons we admire. For example, the girl whose mom and dad would only pay for BYU. Instead of caving, she took a year off, holed up in her room in her parents' house, and earned $ for "gentile college" by doing Playboy webcam videos. -- Talk about self-reliance!

We also reflected on how happy we are to have Sundays free in the great city of San Francisco. And we enjoyed an array of worldly beverages and damned good food -- along with light-mindedness, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the self appointed.

In closing, it was indeed a spiritual feast.

Pssst, Abbottsville 4th! Skip The Talks This Year.

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: April Fool's Day Conference

Mark and I are pleased to invite the entire Abbottsville Fourth to our Post-Mormon party on Sunday, April 1. Join us in honoring the fools who grace the podium at the LDS Conference Center. Out of fairness, we'll tune into the afternoon session. But the Brethren will have to compete with the usual lightmindedness, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the self appointed -- fueled, of course, by copious amounts of alcohol and damned good food. Worried about missing the talks? No problem! Read the following and be edified for the next six months.

Generic General Conference Talk

Check all that apply.

Brothers and Sisters, today I would like to speak with you about:

a. persecution.

b. pretty blue flowers.

c. your filthy minds.

In these perilous times, many saints have left the fold because:

a. they don't like our ties.

b. they have been corrupted by the vast anti-Mormon conspiracy that is made up of historians, scientists, the mainstream press, primetime TV, Hollywood, and the Broadway Stage.
c. they listened to Romney's last speech.

In order to reverse this trend, the Brethren have decided to:

a. open a world class shopping mall.

b. increase baptisms for the dead.

c. develop a line of modest prom dresses.

While the generic G.A. reads the following lines, cut from his face to any or all of the accompanying pictures.

But then none of our trials are as great as those of our ancestors. Consider the sacrifice of my Great-great-great:

a. Uncle Hyrum who fled the country to practice traditional marriage.

b. Aunt Eugenia who hunted Uncle Hyrum down, then dug his grave with only a teaspoon.

c. Grandfather Maxwell, who went to the Sweden, Stockholm Mission and converted over 100 women.

In closing, brothers and sisters, I leave you my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel. I bear witness that our Savior expects each and every one of you to:
a. pay a full tithe, attend all your meetings, go to the temple, magnify your calling, do your genealogy, have a year's supply of food, serve a mission, marry, raise at least 6 kids in the church, then serve a senior mission.
b. pay a full tithe, attend most of your meetings, have a temple recommend, and do your home/visiting teaching.
c. at least pay your tithing.

In return He promises:
a. you won't have a single minute to yourself.
b. you'll be too depressed to go to musicals.
c. there will be no money left over to spend on porn.

Had enough? Then please join the Post-Mormons, Abbottsville Fourth. . . . You know you want to.

At 55 He's Finally Lost The Suit

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Mark's Annual Birthday Post!

For as far back as he can remember, my husband, Mark, had to wear the suit on Sunday.

November 1959

At 19 he served an LDS mission, and sweated it out in the Indonesian jungle in both the suit and the Mormon temple garments. 

Mark is second from the left

Then he came home, got married, and got a couple of college degrees. Then he got a job. Pretty soon he was wearing the suit plus the garments every day of the week, and for 3+ hours on Sunday. He told himself he was happy. But it was all a lie.

See how he's dying inside?

Eventually he quit going to church. He claimed he quit going because he no longer believed and was opposed to the Mormon leadership's stand on social issues.

But I blame the suit. Also the Mormon underwear.

The reason I blame the suit and the underwear is because last week when I invited him to write the Fantasy Friday post over on White and Delightsome, this is what he came up with:

Scene: Brother Banta is watching a ball game in his boxer shorts and drinking a Steel Reserve. The phone rings, and the bishop’s name appears on the caller ID. Brother Banta puts down his ghetto beer, picks up the receiver, hollers — “NO” – then hangs up. He takes another swig of Steel Reserve.

So what do you think he'll wear for his birthday dinner tonight? His boxer shorts?

Or maybe his birthday suit?

YIKES!

Since we're going to a restaurant, let's hope it's his blue jeans.

Happy birthday honey!

Stake President Addresses The Members' Concerns

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: President Knightly
Subject: Your Concerns

Some of you have expressed disappointment and confusion over the demands of our faith. For this reason, I invited you to submit questions to me via e-mail. As promised, I have considered your concerns prayerfully and endeavored to answer you with the honesty and respect you deserve.

Dear President Knightly,
  I am a gay man. I've tried to change, but it's no use. I feel my only choice is to leave the Church and live an authentic life. Do you have any suggestions?
  Sincerely, Name Withheld
Dear Brother Name Withheld,
  Authenticity is overrated, and it is not your only choice. You can also marry a nice Mormon girl, stay in the church, and forget that you're gay. Face it, you'll be so busy paying tithing, going to church, doing home teaching, attending the temple, doing genealogy, and scrubbing the ward toilets, you won't have a spare minute to think about sex. Ask any married man in the stake and he'll tell you. -- You only have to squeeze it in once, biannually, in order to impregnate the little woman. 

Dear President Knightly,

  I am employed as a mail carrier. Sometimes, in the grueling heat of summer, I wear normal underwear to work. That's okay, isn't it?

  Thank you, Brother Bacon

Dear Brother Bacon,

  It most certainly is not okay, and I hereby advise all LDS households on your route to keep an eye out for your underwear lines! The only time a temple worthy member may go without his garments is during sports, while bathing, briefly during sex, or if he is starring in an And I'm a Mormon advertisement.

Dear President Knightly,

  Much is said over the pulpit about gay men. But what have our priesthood leaders to say to us women who live with same-sex attraction?
  Name Withheld
Dear Sister Name Withheld,
  I don't understand your premise.

Dear President Knightly,

  I am in love with a man who is not LDS. Marrying him would fulfill my wildest dreams. Can we please be together?

  Sincerely, Sister Stacy Bright

Dear Sister Bright,

  Of course you can! So long as he joins the church, pays tithing, goes to all his church meetings, does his home teaching, attends the temple, does his genealogy, and scrubs the ward toilets, you may marry and have your wildest dreams fulfilled.**

  **Once every other year.

Dear President Knightly,

  Is it okay if I take a break from paying tithing so we can repair the family station wagon? It's the only way our family of 7 will be able to take a little trip this summer.
  Sincerely, Brother Hamm
Dear Brother Hamm,
  You don't need to repair the station wagon. Just pack the wife and the camping equipment into your commuter compact, rent one of those jumbo airtight storage containers, and strap the kids to the roof. Problem solved! 


Dear President Knightly,

  My family left the Mormon Church ten years ago. Is there any way I can get the ward members to quit calling, writing, dropping by, peeking in our windows, and bringing us nut loaf?

  Brother Confused

Dear Brother Confused,

  Not really, no.

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I hope this exercise demonstrates how much I truly care for each and every one of you. You had concerns, I listened. You had questions, I answered them. Now it's time for you to do your part. In short, gird your loins, quit your belly-aching, and get your lazy duffs back to church.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we refer you to President Knightly's response to Brother Confused.