The Three Nephites Get New Suits!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother Sid Dooley, ward spiritual giant
Subject: Boosting the Lord's economy

Last week I had the opportunity to visit Salt Lake City, the capitol of Heavenly Father's dynasty, and the subject of a fascinating article in BloombergBusinessweek. My first stop was the temple where I completed an endowment session for and on the behalf of Zedekiah Baxter, who is dead. After the session, I passed into the Celestial Room where I was greeted by three gentlemen in white. They asked me to assist them in the Lord's errand. I immediately recognized them as the Three Nephites, and, of course, agreed.

We hopped into their shiny new Lexus (TM) and sped over to the Lord's newest place of worship, City Creek Center.

"Brother Dooley," said Nephite #1. "We are about to embark on a new mission, and we need your help."

"I am proud to be of assistance," I told them.

"Good," said Nephite #1. "But first we must determine your worthiness. May I see your American Express Card?" (AXP)

"Absolutely," I replied.

Nephite #1 quickly ran it through the scanner attachment on his iPhone. (AAPL) "You're worthy," he said, and pocketed my card.

"What is this new mission?" I asked.

"Well," #2 explained, "changing all those flat tires went a long way toward helping the Lord's servants. But it wasn't doing anything for His portfolio."

"I see, He wants you to switch to raising Him some heavenly capital," I said.

"Right," said #3. "But first we need to look the part. So, ONE TWO THREE -- let's go shopping!"

We began at Macy's (M) where all Three Nephites were fitted out with brand new Hugo Boss suits. ($2800) From there we went to Nordstrom (JWN) and shopped men's furnishings for some socks, shirts, and neckties. ($280) Then we ascended into the shoe department where, thanks to my worthiness, the Nephites acquired some new black wingtips. ($1200) Finally, we completed their new look at Tiffany & Company (TIF) with 3 new Atlas Chronograph watches. ($27,000)

Our business complete, I wished them luck with their new endeavor. Nephite #1 returned my credit card.

"Thank you, Brother Dooley, for your contribution to the Lord's portfolio," he said. "You may now expect a pre-tithe return of $31,280 worth of heavenly blessings."

I couldn't be more pleased with an investment. I wandered along in a blissful daze until I saw a familiar face smiling my way. It was none other than Zedekiah Baxter, who is dead.

"Brother Dooley!" he cried. "Thanks for doing that endowment on and for my behalf."

"Think nothing of it," I replied. "What brings you to the mall, Brother Baxter?"

"I'm on my way to Banana Republic. (GPS) The Celestial Kingdom isn't cheap these days and I don't want to show up looking shabby."

"Good thinking, brother," I said, and wished him happy shopping.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you must present your American Express card. (AXP)

Note from blog owner: Check out this article in Salon.com written by postmormon girl!

The Three Nephites Shape History

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Brother Sid Dooley, Ward Spiritual Giant

Subject: The Three Nephites: A Historical Perspective

Faithful Mormons have long been grateful for the Three Nephites, that selfless trio from the Book of Mormon who begged the Lord to let them tarry on the earth in order to help the faithful. We've heard countless stories about the mysterious stranger who helped elderly Brother So-and-So load his LDS scripture software, or stopped a gang of thugs from meddling with a BYU coed.

But the Mormons aren't their only charges. The Three Nephites have labored the entire globe, tirelessly doing the Lord's work. Sometimes right under our noses. For example, next time you see that picture of Bill Clinton shaking President Kennedy's hand, take a good look the guy to the right of the future president. Then compare him to the guy next to Stu Sutcliffe on the cover of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Coincidence? I think not.

Over the years the Three Nephites have moved seamlessly in and out of LDS and Gentile society, molding the Saints into the superior culture God destined us to become, and preparing the world for its eventual conversion to Mormonism. After careful research, I have come to conclude the Three Nephites might have been with Abraham Lincoln for his Second Inaugural Address, probably were at the Rathaus Schoneberg for Kennedy's "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech, and definitely were with Sarah Palin during her Katie Couric interview. 

There have also been noticeable lapses in their influence. For instance, in the early 1970's, when in a dyslexic moment one of the Nephites misread a box marked LSD and was subsequently incapacitated. Likewise in 1995 when they were all left stranded during the government shutdown. More recently in 2008, when two of the three took time off for a stint on Dancing With The Stars. These ill-timed absences may explain the emergence of Earth Shoes, the Macarena, and Joe the Plumber.

Late one night I was driving along a stretch of deserted highway, when one of my tires hit an unidentifiable object. I pulled off the road to find it completely flattened. It was dark and cold, and I had no car jack in my truck. Then out of nowhere three men appeared on foot, one with a jack in hand. At once I recognized them as the Three Nephites.

"Brothers Nephite," I said. "The Lord alerted you to my distress and you have come to my rescue."

Their blue eyes glinted, and one pointed to a spot across the highway.

"Stand over there," he said, "and you won't get hurt."

I obeyed, then watched in silence as the three effortlessly switched out my flat for my spare. Then they smiled, gave me a wave, climbed into my truck, and drove off. 

No doubt to help another in need.

I walked back to town thanking God for The Three Nephites ... also for my LDS State Farm agent.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, be prepared to either join AAA or pay for a tow truck.

Three Nephites Sighted in Lafayette, California

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother Sid Dooley, ward spiritual giant
Subject: Saturday night's visit to the Celestial Room

Last Saturday on my way to the temple, my car broke down on the seedy side of Lafayette. The nearest establishment happened to be a saloon called "The Roundup." Hardly holy ground. However, after a quick prayer, the spirit bade me to enter.

I was met by two personages. My spiritual eyes quickly discerned that they were two of The Three Nephites.

"Brothers Nephite!" I exclaimed. "Are you here to help me get to the temple?"

"We are," Nephite #1 replied. "But first you must drink from this glass, in order to quench your thirst and increase your spiritual knowledge."

As I drank deeply from the cup, I felt a tingling warmth consume my being. Nephite #1 gazed down at me, his eyes bore into my soul.

"Show me the First Sign of the Melchizedek Priesthood," he said.

I obeyed.

"Now show me the token."

I again obeyed.

"Now take this pencil."

He released me from his gaze.

"Come with us to the next session," said Nephite #3.

I followed them to a portal at the back of the saloon. In an instant we were swept up in a swirling gust, jolted through space and time, then dropped down to a lively dinner party. I looked around at my fellow guests. Their joyful demeanor, advanced knowledge of Mormon doctrine and history, as well as their casual attitude toward the General Authorities confirmed what I had already suspected. I had passed through the veil to the other side, and was now in the presence of celestial beings.

In the moments that followed I learned more than I had in over a thousand hours of church meetings. For example:

Grapefruit infused vodka has a number of medicinal qualities.

Boyd K. Packer deserves a Facebook campaign backing him to host SNL.

The paper back version of The Miracle of Forgiveness is remarkably aerodynamic, and the hardback makes a great hockey puck.

Brethren who are excommunicated may return their priesthood keys by dropping them in any nearby mailbox.

The Three Nephites regularly hang out at The Roundup Saloon.

Temple garments are more effectively disposed of if they are doused with copious amounts of Bombay gin before igniting.  

People with small hands have big testimonies.*


*I have this on the good authority of the lesser known and grossly underrated "Mini-Nephite."

--And all of this was revealed before our starters had arrived. Then Nephite #2 showed up and the party really kicked into gear.

(Nephite #2 was late due to an emergency at a ward fashion show.)

We testified, prophesied, and toasted the Lord's anointed over a meal fit for priests and priestesses. Then when the session concluded, I was whisked home in a winged chariot disguised as a vintage 1960 Chrysler. 

I've no memory of the trip home, I can't find my doggie bag of leftovers, likewise my signature stein from The Roundup Saloon, and I have somehow lost my garments. Nothing remains of my heavenly visit. Except for the pencil.

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The Three Nephites Rescue Mormons and Shape History

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Brother Sid Dooley, Ward Spiritual Giant

Subject: The Three Nephites: A Historical Perspective

Faithful Mormons have long been grateful for the Three Nephites, that selfless trio from the Book of Mormon who begged the Lord to let them tarry on the earth in order to help the faithful. We've heard countless stories about the mysterious stranger who helped elderly Sister So-and-So across the street, or stopped a thug from deflowering a sister missionary.

But the Mormons aren't their only charges. The Three Nephites have labored the entire globe, tirelessly doing the Lord's work. Sometimes right under our noses. For example, next time you see the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware, take a good look at who's rowing the boat. Then compare him to the guy sticking the flagpole in the ground at Iwo Jima. Coincidence? I think not.

Over the years the Three Nephites have moved seamlessly in and out of LDS and Gentile society, molding the Saints into the superior culture God destined us to become, and preparing the world for its eventual conversion to Mormonism. After careful research, I have come to conclude the Three Nephites might have been with Lincoln at Gettysburg, probably were with Kennedy during the Cuban missile crisis, and definitely were with George W. Bush during the Florida Recount.

There have also been noticeable lapses in their influence. For instance, when their involvement in the Nixon administration ended in their simultaneous incarceration. Likewise in the late-nineties when all three did a stint at the Betty Ford Clinic. (Upon completion of their work in The Big Lebowski.) More recently two of the three were hospitalized after an accident on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney. These ill-timed absences may explain the disco sensation, the Dole campaign, and Snakes on a Plane.

Late one night I was driving along a stretch of deserted highway, when one of my tires hit an unidentifiable object. I pulled off the road to find it completely flattened. It was dark and cold, and I had no car jack in my trunk. Then out of nowhere a man appeared on foot, jack in hand. At once I recognized him as one of Three Nephites, and greeted him with an enthusiastic embrace.

"Brother Nephite," I said. "The Lord alerted you to my distress and you have come to my rescue."

His blue eyes glinted and a trace of a smile crossed his face. "I thought somebody might need a hand, yes."

I watched in silence as he effortlessly switched out my flat for my spare. Then he stood, stepped aside, and motioned me to my car.

"Tell me brother," I asked. "Do you ever grow weary of your nightly labors?"

"No," he replied. "It's like a gift that keeps on giving."

Precisely what I expected he would say. 

I smiled, tipped my hat, climbed behind the wheel, and started my ignition. When I checked the rear view mirror, he was gone. Coincidentally, so was my wallet.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, be prepared to either join AAA or pay for a tow truck.