So Much Material, So Little Time

Since I started this blog some years ago, there has been the occasional week when I've had to stretch to come up with some Mormon-themed topic to write about.

Then there are weeks like this one, when there's so much material I just can't decide. I almost wish I had one of those big roulette-style wheels I could spin and then go with the topic it lands on. Lacking that technology, I think I'll just list all the events, along with my brief commentary and let my readers decide which one carries the most interest.

The LDS "Pro-Gay Rights" Press Conference
On Tuesday Apostles Dallin Oaks and Jeffrey Holland, along with General Young Women's president, Sister Neill F. Marriott announced in a press conference that the LDS Church supports a state bill that protects LGBT rights, specifically in areas of employment, housing and public transportation.

Why is this interesting? On the surface because it's unusual to see the LDS Church officially back any legislation that specifically benefits the LGBT community.

But that's a tad misleading. The majority of the event was consumed by a defense of religious freedom, the implication that churches should have a greater voice than secular institutions, and the assertion that individuals who embrace bigoted views because of their religion should not be "discriminated against." According to Dallin Oaks:

"Churches should stand on at least as strong a footing as any other entity when they enter the public sphere to participate in public policy debates." (Italics added.)

--In other words, more self-centered whining from the Brethren about how persecuted they are because of their bigoted, outdated views.

Dallin Oaks' Refusal to Apologize to Gays 
In a Tuesday interview with the Tribune, Dallin Oaks said (in regard to the possibility of an official church apology to gays):

"I know that the history of the church is not to seek apologies or to give them. We sometimes look back on issues and say, 'Maybe that was counterproductive for what we wish to achieve,' but we look forward and not backward."

Then on Thursday, during a video chat, he exacerbated things further by telling Tribune reporter, Jennifer Napier-Pearce, that the word "apology" did not appear in LDS scripture.

Why is this interesting? The utter, bleeding hubris, obviously. For years, the LDS Church has marginalized gays, branded them as sinners, even conducted electroshock therapy treatment at their church-run university. The church continues to oppose gay marriage. Moreover, official doctrine still requires actively gay Mormons to confess their "sins" to their church authorities, feel sorrow over their actions, and then repent. Church leaders, on the other hand, are exempt from apologies.

What might Oaks personally apologize for? How about his answer to the question, "What if my gay son wants to bring his partner home?"

"I can imagine that in most circumstances the parents would say, ‘Please don’t do that. Don’t put us into that position.’ Surely if there are children in the home who would be influenced by this example, the answer would likely be that. . . . I can also imagine some circumstances in which it might be possible to say, ‘Yes, come, but don’t expect to stay overnight. Don’t expect to be a lengthy house guest. Don’t expect us to take you out and introduce you to our friends, or to deal with you in a public situation that would imply our approval of your 'partnership.'"

--Read the entire interview here on the official Mormon Newsroom site.

D. Todd Christofferson Promised to Expand the Mormons and Gays Website

Why is this interesting? For writers of satire blogs like me it's great news. Christofferson's brainchild, Mormons and Gays, is a veritable treasure trove of material. Beginning with this quote on its homepage:

"The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people."a

--But also because, Christofferson, who has a gay brother, seems to consider himself progressive because he advocates being "civil" in our discourse about homosexuality--thus driving home how unbelievably clueless the Brethren continue to be on this issue.

LDS Church Asking Mormons for Input on Temple Garments

There's a survey. Online.

Why is this interesting? Well, the Mormon temple garment has always been a source of fascination. Also, it must be a hopeful sign to the rank and file that there may be some less itchy, wedgie-free days in their future.

--But in this particular week, it emphasizes the point that Mormons are not only told what to think, how to vote, and who to marry, but also what to wear--right down to their underwear.

And speaking of how to vote…

Mitt Romney Decided Not to Run for President

Why is this interesting? I know there are some diehard LDS Republicans who may be shedding tears over this. But, man-oh-man, is it a relief to the greater Mormon community who were dreading another torturous year--potentially four years--of listening to our former stake president's droning voice, lame jokes, and nonsensical unprepared remarks on a daily basis. He may not have been the biggest nut in the jar, but, paraphrasing Jane Austen, we ExMormons are happy to let the other candidates have time to exhibit.

--Thanks to Ahab--who understands our predicament--and was first to surprise me with the happy news about Romney this morning.

________________

So, Gentle Readers, which of the above carries your interest? All? Any? Or are you among the sensible majority whose thoughts are only on football this weekend?

Also, the time has arrived to vote for your favorite Mormon-themed blogs and sites in the 2014 Brodie Awards! Vote here.

The Mormon Month from Hell

If you run into any rank and file Mormons tonight, hold back on the tricks and give them extra treats. They've had a very scary month.

First there was the weeklong requisite "I'm a Mormon!" on their social media profiles. After that, the mind-numbing semi-annual General Conference. Next came a mandatory ticket purchase for the feature length infomercial, Meet the Mormons. Then last week: the double whammy. A flimsy defense of Joseph Smith's relations with 14-year-olds and married women. AND … get this, Gentle Readers ... a commercial about their underwear.

I'm not kidding. Their underwear. If you don't believe me, check it out here.

Please tell me this isn't going to lead to another mass profile picture switch.

I admit, this latest string of events has been a gift for bloggers like me. For several weeks now, Mormon Inc. has written the satire for me, and for that I thank them. But, really, how much humiliation can the poor faithful endure?

The new Mormon Newsroom video's central premise is that devout Mormons are just like the orthodox of other faiths, namely Roman Catholics, Jews, Muslims, and Buddhists who also wear ceremonial and symbolic clothing.

-- Perhaps. But there's at least one glaring difference between these ancient religious cultures and the Mormons. There aren't any Madison Avenue-style commercials defending the nuns' habits - Jewish prayer shawls - Muslim skull caps - Buddhist saffron robes. The participants simply wear them. Without apology and without obsessing over what others think. --

The video then concludes in classic LDS fashion. With a blatant lie. In this case, the claim that there is nothing "magical or mystical" about the temple garment.

-- Bulls**t! If I had a dollar for every faith-promoting story I've heard about garments protecting someone in a fire, I'd be a rich woman. And I always got dirty looks when I pointed out that they're flame retardant. No way. It was those magic symbols that saved poor Brother Schmuck's bacon! --

So, if you run into some rank and file Mormons today, be especially nice. Their leaders just used their tithing money to splash pictures of their underwear all over the Internet.

The fact is the Mormons are persecuted, but not by outsiders. By their own leaders.

For the few devout who read this blog, if it's any consolation, there may be a lot of San Franciscans wearing some ceremonial underpants of our own following Wednesday night's game. Check it out here.

Finally, there's more scary news breaking today. Kate Kelly just learned her appeal has been denied. Read more here.

Happy Halloween!

Mormons Rush In To Help Mitt's Campaign

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley, Ward Mission Leader
Subject: Our turn to define rape!

As most of you know by now, the Romney Campaign has shifted its strategy, and is now not only willing, but eager to discuss the church! Isn't that thrilling Abbottsville Fourth?!

And it couldn't come at a more crucial time - now that the Republicans are reeling over the errant comments from Representative Todd Akin.

Eager to diffuse the situation, I wrote the following op-ed for the Abbottsville Gazette:

Mormons on Rape

by

H. LaVar Turley

Like all practicing Mormons, I believe that rape is a vile and heinous act. But not all rapes are "legitimate." Indeed there are several categories, and in each the blame must be assigned accordingly.

First there is the all-to-common "invited rape," when a scantily clad woman teases a man out of his mind until he has no other option than to throw her on the ground and have his way with her. In these cases the woman is obviously at fault. 

Second there is the "accidental rape," when a righteous woman is sincerely trying to be modest and something accidentally happens. - Like a gust of wind comes along and blows her skirt up a little and the guy sees and just can't help himself. (This is sometimes referred to as "no-fault" rape.)

Thirdly, there is the "necessary rape." You know, that's when guys like me have to do the little woman in order to fulfill our calling to "multiply and replenish the earth." In these cases both parties are usually grateful. At least that's how it is in my house. . . . I think.

Finally, there is the "legitimate rape," when a man forces himself on a righteous woman who has done nothing to deserve it. In these rare cases, the man is at fault and probably ought to receive some sort of punishment. Or at least a fine.

Because we are a progressive people, we believe that in cases of "legitimate rape" the victim may be entitled to an abortion if she chooses. But only after she is reminded that if she had been truly righteous, her temple garments should have prevented her pregnancy.

Vote for Romney!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume it's because of a malfunction in your temple garments.   

Also check out my review of a couple of great reads over on Main Street Plaza!

At 55 He's Finally Lost The Suit

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Mark's Annual Birthday Post!

For as far back as he can remember, my husband, Mark, had to wear the suit on Sunday.

November 1959

At 19 he served an LDS mission, and sweated it out in the Indonesian jungle in both the suit and the Mormon temple garments. 

Mark is second from the left

Then he came home, got married, and got a couple of college degrees. Then he got a job. Pretty soon he was wearing the suit plus the garments every day of the week, and for 3+ hours on Sunday. He told himself he was happy. But it was all a lie.

See how he's dying inside?

Eventually he quit going to church. He claimed he quit going because he no longer believed and was opposed to the Mormon leadership's stand on social issues.

But I blame the suit. Also the Mormon underwear.

The reason I blame the suit and the underwear is because last week when I invited him to write the Fantasy Friday post over on White and Delightsome, this is what he came up with:

Scene: Brother Banta is watching a ball game in his boxer shorts and drinking a Steel Reserve. The phone rings, and the bishop’s name appears on the caller ID. Brother Banta puts down his ghetto beer, picks up the receiver, hollers — “NO” – then hangs up. He takes another swig of Steel Reserve.

So what do you think he'll wear for his birthday dinner tonight? His boxer shorts?

Or maybe his birthday suit?

YIKES!

Since we're going to a restaurant, let's hope it's his blue jeans.

Happy birthday honey!

Temple President Explains "Incident"

To: Abbottsville Temple District
From: Gordon Skousen, President of the Abbottsville Temple
Subject: The Unfortunate Incident.

On behalf of the Abbottsville Temple Presidency, I wish to convey our heartfelt condolences to the victims of the Abbottsville Temple Tragedy.

As many of you now know, early this morning temple worker Wilbur Simmons stood at the altar to officiate a routine endowment session. It started out as planned. But when it came time for Adam to receive the Aaronic Priesthood, Brother Simmons, who was unaccustomed to his new bifocals, sent the room into chaos when he accidentally hit the fast forward button.

Panic ensued as obedient temple patrons scrambled to robe, disrobe, then re-robe in the Holy Priesthood. -- A break-neck frenzy resulting in strangulation, indecent exposure, heart attack, excitement induced incontinence, and one near casualty by a brother who accidentally slit his own throat.

"The prayer circle got nasty," said Sister Lee Ann Hargen of the Abbottsville First Ward. "There was a lot of rough and tumble Patriarchal Gripping. Also, some obscene gesturing with the Sign of the Nail."

Only the best of feelings should exist within the Prayer Circle.

When played backwards
the temple film is an
episode of South Park.

Perhaps the most far-reaching damage occurred when Brother Simmons, in a desperate attempt to stop the video, hit the rewind key instead. Fortunately, he righted his mistake quickly, but not before a few Satanic messages escaped.

Only three of the session attendees emerged without injury. A thirty-two year old Pilates instructor, and two brethren in the back row who managed to sleep through the entire ordeal.

The Abbottsville Temple will remain closed until the Brethren devise a way to ensure this horrific tragedy never happens again. Among the measures under consideration are safety locks on the fast forward and rewind buttons; speed limit signs; and pressurized session rooms where, in the event of an emergency, the oxygen can be shut off and the occupants pass out.

A special fast in honor of the victims will be held this Sunday. 

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails we'll assume you're incapable of making a sound decision.

Fast and Testimony Mad Libs!

To: Donna Banta
From: Mark Crawford
Subject: Surviving Fast and Testimony Meeting

Dear Donna,

Mother called last night to tell me that she's visiting the first weekend in November. By now Mother has come to terms with the fact that I live with a man and that I am no longer active in the church. (Only when I told her I didn't think the church was true anymore she responded with, "Oh p-shaw.") Nevertheless, she will no doubt expect Byron and I to do the three hour Sunday marathon with her, including the dreaded Fast and Testimony Meeting.

Upon learning this frightening news, Byron mercifully mixed a pitcher of martinis, and together we created the following "survival game."

Fast and Testimony Mad Libs

I would indeed be  __adjective__  if I didn't stand today and  __verb__  my  __noun__. At this time I would like to publicly thank my Heavenly Father for all my  __plural noun__. 

Lately I have been persecuted by some of my non- __noun__  co-workers. They mock me because I wear sacred  __plural noun__  under my clothes, don't  __verb__  or drink __liquid__,  refuse to have more than one piercing in my  __body part__, won't have  __bodily function__  outside of  __proper noun__ ,  and believe that I can one day become a  __noun__. Finally I drew up my courage and bore testimony of the one and only true  __noun__ . They felt the  __noun__,  and their  __plural body part__  were softened.

I am reminded of my  __cardinal number__   great grandfather who was  __verb__  by an  __adjective__  mob, then forced to cross the plains with nothing more than a  __noun__  and  __noun__. At least he had his faith in  __proper noun__  and a knowledge of the Book of  __humorous fictional character__  to sustain him. 

I know the church is  __adjective__.  I know Joseph Smith was a  __noun__.  I know that Thomas S. Monson is a  __noun__  of  __noun__  who  __verb__  the  church today.

And finally, brothers and sisters, if I have offended any of you,  __verb__  my  __body part__.

In the name of  __your favorite comedian or cartoon character__,  amen.

I testify to you, Donna, that this game, when paired with multiple martinis, is a deeply spiritual experience. Will  see how it compares with the real deal with Mother.

Regards,

Mark

Three Nephites Sighted in Lafayette, California

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother Sid Dooley, ward spiritual giant
Subject: Saturday night's visit to the Celestial Room

Last Saturday on my way to the temple, my car broke down on the seedy side of Lafayette. The nearest establishment happened to be a saloon called "The Roundup." Hardly holy ground. However, after a quick prayer, the spirit bade me to enter.

I was met by two personages. My spiritual eyes quickly discerned that they were two of The Three Nephites.

"Brothers Nephite!" I exclaimed. "Are you here to help me get to the temple?"

"We are," Nephite #1 replied. "But first you must drink from this glass, in order to quench your thirst and increase your spiritual knowledge."

As I drank deeply from the cup, I felt a tingling warmth consume my being. Nephite #1 gazed down at me, his eyes bore into my soul.

"Show me the First Sign of the Melchizedek Priesthood," he said.

I obeyed.

"Now show me the token."

I again obeyed.

"Now take this pencil."

He released me from his gaze.

"Come with us to the next session," said Nephite #3.

I followed them to a portal at the back of the saloon. In an instant we were swept up in a swirling gust, jolted through space and time, then dropped down to a lively dinner party. I looked around at my fellow guests. Their joyful demeanor, advanced knowledge of Mormon doctrine and history, as well as their casual attitude toward the General Authorities confirmed what I had already suspected. I had passed through the veil to the other side, and was now in the presence of celestial beings.

In the moments that followed I learned more than I had in over a thousand hours of church meetings. For example:

Grapefruit infused vodka has a number of medicinal qualities.

Boyd K. Packer deserves a Facebook campaign backing him to host SNL.

The paper back version of The Miracle of Forgiveness is remarkably aerodynamic, and the hardback makes a great hockey puck.

Brethren who are excommunicated may return their priesthood keys by dropping them in any nearby mailbox.

The Three Nephites regularly hang out at The Roundup Saloon.

Temple garments are more effectively disposed of if they are doused with copious amounts of Bombay gin before igniting.  

People with small hands have big testimonies.*


*I have this on the good authority of the lesser known and grossly underrated "Mini-Nephite."

--And all of this was revealed before our starters had arrived. Then Nephite #2 showed up and the party really kicked into gear.

(Nephite #2 was late due to an emergency at a ward fashion show.)

We testified, prophesied, and toasted the Lord's anointed over a meal fit for priests and priestesses. Then when the session concluded, I was whisked home in a winged chariot disguised as a vintage 1960 Chrysler. 

I've no memory of the trip home, I can't find my doggie bag of leftovers, likewise my signature stein from The Roundup Saloon, and I have somehow lost my garments. Nothing remains of my heavenly visit. Except for the pencil.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails click here.

Stake Single Adults Leader Is Mad As Hell And He's Not Going To Take It Anymore

To: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President
    cc: Members of the Abbottsville Stake
From: Ricky Foote
Subject: LDS Single Adults

Dear President Knightly,

Let me begin by saying how humbled and proud Mindy and I are to have been called as Stake Single Adults Leaders. We are ever mindful of the stewardship you hold as a stake president in Zion, and realize the call you extended to us was divinely inspired. You might say, President, that "we stand all amazed" at your intimate relationship with our Savior.

With that in mind, I am greatly saddened to report on my failure with our Stake Single Adults. After you successfully upbraided them for their behavior surrounding the Swinging Seventies Party, I foolishly believed that the Single Adults had matured. So Mindy and I knocked ourselves out planning a fun-filled month of activities, custom-made to their unique situations.

The first sign of rebellion came at last Saturday's Mix and Mingle/Marshmallow Shooting Contest. Rather than use the PVC pipe to make individual blow guns, the measly few who attended pooled their materials to construct a multi-shot weapon that they hooked up to a leaf-blower, then aimed at me.

Last Wednesday I waited for them for a full hour in the lobby of the Abbottsville Federal Building, LDS Single Adults! sign in one hand, happy face balloons and jumbo pack of Oreos in the other. I drew nothing other than strange looks from non-members. Finally concluding that they weren't coming, I went to my car to find "$#%* YOU!" spelled out in unscrewed Oreos across my dash.

Not surprisingly, they were no-shows in the nursery for the Married Adults' Dinner/Dance, leaving Mindy and I to tend the children ourselves. Then Sunday evening I arrived late to the Single Adults' Fireside. I was pleased to find it well attended. Only instead of listening to a presentation on personal histories, the Single Adults were playing poker with former Stake President Taylor. On the Sabbath. Using the sacrament cups for chips.

In spite of all of this, I remained determined not to give up on my Single Adult charges. That is, until today, when I walked into my work cubicle, sat down on a chocolate pudding filled whoopie cushion, then tripped a wire that sent Disco Duck blaring through my computer speakers. All of this drew wild applause from my office team, the LDS Single Adults, and the non-member co-workers they'd invited.

I'm sorry, President Knightly, but in light of this not-so-subtle message, I have to conclude that going on with the upcoming Lunch Hour Mingle and Disco Dance Party would be a very bad idea. And I don't even want to think about what they might do to the inside of the Turley's Suburban.

Like many martyrs before me, from Joseph Smith -- to Paul H. Dunn -- to Mitt Romney, I must strive to love and forgive my persecutors. But, President, as I sit here in my pudding soaked garments, I must confess, it's hard.

Please accept my heartfelt apology.

Prayerfully,

Ricky Foote

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll sign you up for the "No Hands Pudding Eating Contest."

Ex-Mormon Superbowl Party -- Visitors Welcome

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Superbowl Party

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, since you are kind enough to include me on your e-mail list, I've decided to include you in the following:

Postmormon Superbowl Party

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Hey Abbottsville Fourth Ward!

Tired of sitting through mind-numbing meetings while the game records on DVD? Don't want to wait until 12:01 AM Monday for the kick-off? Then hang at my house with actual fun people, watch the game in real time, throw back a cold one, and root for some real Saints for a change. Be prepared for light-mindedness, loud laughter, and a helluva lot of evil speaking of the Lord's anointed. 

You want to. You know you do.

Please do NOT bring:

Your scriptures

The missionaries

Lesson #5

Scrapbooking paraphernalia 

Your testimony

Neckties and pantyhose

Nu Skin samples

Your righteous indignation

Sister Loomis's gallon sized jar of peaches (I'm still working on the last one.)

A message from The Ensign

Violators will be dealt with by our bouncer, Mark Crawford. Trust me, your garments will not protect you.

Please do bring:

A sense of humor (It's there, you'll find it.)

An open mind (Likewise.)

If possible, some of those super yummy Mormon Funeral Potatoes

No Nursery Provided

See you Sunday!

http://www.postmormon.org/exp_e/index.php/chapters/ch_home/811

LDS Temple Garments -- Wear Them or Else!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: The archives of Bishop Loomis
Subject: Temple Garment Policy

Having received a series of complaints over his advice to Doubting Mormons, Bishop Zimmerman decided the ward might like to revisit the following policy under former Bishop Brent Loomis, whose shocking murder last year remains unsolved.


Brothers and Sisters, I am impressed today to talk about your underwear. Those of you who have been through the temple enjoy the privilege of being clothed in the garment of the holy priesthood, and know the special protective powers this sacred underclothing provides. Consider the tragic stories of some of our near and dear. For instance Sister Maxwell, who snapped her neck after slipping in the tub, or Brother Fink, who dove into the shallow end of the pool. Neither was wearing garments, and now both are drooling idiots. Then there's poor departed Sister Quinn, who wandered outdoors in nothing more than her housecoat, brassiere and panty girdle, only to be flattened by a bus.


As I have said repeatedly, there is simply no reason to completely remove one's garments. The following are situations when one might partially remove the holy garment:
                                        1.  To bathe
                                        2.  To change into new garments.
                                        3.  For certain surgical procedures.
                                        4.  During sex. (Women only.)
                                        5.  For appearances on Dancing With the Stars.


As always, I advise ward members to exercise extreme caution during all of the above activities, due to your  heightened state of vulnerability. Consider the following example:

In light of this counsel, imagine my surprise when I saw Sister Elaine Miller at the local Safeway in work out clothes, her bikini panty-line protruding beneath the Lycra. Likewise when I spied Brother Harold jogging in a tank top and shorts, minus his garments, and seemingly without an athletic supporter as well. I now wonder if these and other ward members go everywhere without garments, even church. It's hard to tell what with those thick knit dresses or colored dress shirts. Brothers and Sisters, this simply will not do!


I am reminded of the faithful convert, Justo Velasquez, who labored patiently selling tamales on a street corner in Tegucigalpa, saving all of his pesos for a trip to the temple in Salt Lake City. When he finally completed the endowment session, his joy was so immense that he donned his garments over his dress suit and paraded around Temple Square with pride. Would that we all had such faith! There are times when I think that our garments should be worn on the outside, so there could be no confusion over our convictions. But that would no doubt give the non-member community yet another excuse to label us a bunch of kooks.


Instead I instruct all ward temple recommend holders to dress for church in blouses and shirts made from material shear enough to confirm he or she is clothed in the garment of the holy priesthood. I have no specific instruction on how your nether regions are covered, however I will have an eye out for that distinctive line above the knee. You may also expect unannounced visits from me during the week. This policy is effective immediately. For the sake of your safety, I can no longer allow you to hide your underwear.


***Update*** Brother Velasquez continues to serve out his sentence at the Happy Hill Sanitarium, where he was recently granted permission to use forks.




If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, then you probably need to put on your garments.