New Opportunity For Wealthy Republican Donors

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: T. Loren Dunn, Ward Financial Clerk
Subject: Convert your wealthy Republican friends!

Disappointing as they were, the results of the recent national election have uncovered a new demographic of potential converts. And just in time for tithing settlement!

In light of this exciting discovery, the Brethren in Salt Lake City have sent the following mailing out to all wealthy Republican donors:

Not interested in paying your fair share of taxes but eager to give billions to a super-pac with a contrived world view and virtually no relationship with math and science? Eager to invest in an organization that doesn't explain how it spends your money and does seemingly nothing for you in return? Do you believe that the definition of legitimate rape is the pressing moral issue of our time? In other words, have you enjoyed being a Republican these past 4 years? Then you'll LOVE being a Mormon! Contact your local LDS ward meetinghouse for details.

Be ready, Abbottsville Fourth, for what is sure to be a mythic influx of membership in the coming weeks!

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, call the ward meetinghouse and have your credit card handy. Also, check out this nifty post on ExMormon Mavens!

Mormons Rush In To Help Mitt's Campaign

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley, Ward Mission Leader
Subject: Our turn to define rape!

As most of you know by now, the Romney Campaign has shifted its strategy, and is now not only willing, but eager to discuss the church! Isn't that thrilling Abbottsville Fourth?!

And it couldn't come at a more crucial time - now that the Republicans are reeling over the errant comments from Representative Todd Akin.

Eager to diffuse the situation, I wrote the following op-ed for the Abbottsville Gazette:

Mormons on Rape

by

H. LaVar Turley

Like all practicing Mormons, I believe that rape is a vile and heinous act. But not all rapes are "legitimate." Indeed there are several categories, and in each the blame must be assigned accordingly.

First there is the all-to-common "invited rape," when a scantily clad woman teases a man out of his mind until he has no other option than to throw her on the ground and have his way with her. In these cases the woman is obviously at fault. 

Second there is the "accidental rape," when a righteous woman is sincerely trying to be modest and something accidentally happens. - Like a gust of wind comes along and blows her skirt up a little and the guy sees and just can't help himself. (This is sometimes referred to as "no-fault" rape.)

Thirdly, there is the "necessary rape." You know, that's when guys like me have to do the little woman in order to fulfill our calling to "multiply and replenish the earth." In these cases both parties are usually grateful. At least that's how it is in my house. . . . I think.

Finally, there is the "legitimate rape," when a man forces himself on a righteous woman who has done nothing to deserve it. In these rare cases, the man is at fault and probably ought to receive some sort of punishment. Or at least a fine.

Because we are a progressive people, we believe that in cases of "legitimate rape" the victim may be entitled to an abortion if she chooses. But only after she is reminded that if she had been truly righteous, her temple garments should have prevented her pregnancy.

Vote for Romney!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume it's because of a malfunction in your temple garments.   

Also check out my review of a couple of great reads over on Main Street Plaza!