The Mormon Month from Hell

If you run into any rank and file Mormons tonight, hold back on the tricks and give them extra treats. They've had a very scary month.

First there was the weeklong requisite "I'm a Mormon!" on their social media profiles. After that, the mind-numbing semi-annual General Conference. Next came a mandatory ticket purchase for the feature length infomercial, Meet the Mormons. Then last week: the double whammy. A flimsy defense of Joseph Smith's relations with 14-year-olds and married women. AND … get this, Gentle Readers ... a commercial about their underwear.

I'm not kidding. Their underwear. If you don't believe me, check it out here.

Please tell me this isn't going to lead to another mass profile picture switch.

I admit, this latest string of events has been a gift for bloggers like me. For several weeks now, Mormon Inc. has written the satire for me, and for that I thank them. But, really, how much humiliation can the poor faithful endure?

The new Mormon Newsroom video's central premise is that devout Mormons are just like the orthodox of other faiths, namely Roman Catholics, Jews, Muslims, and Buddhists who also wear ceremonial and symbolic clothing.

-- Perhaps. But there's at least one glaring difference between these ancient religious cultures and the Mormons. There aren't any Madison Avenue-style commercials defending the nuns' habits - Jewish prayer shawls - Muslim skull caps - Buddhist saffron robes. The participants simply wear them. Without apology and without obsessing over what others think. --

The video then concludes in classic LDS fashion. With a blatant lie. In this case, the claim that there is nothing "magical or mystical" about the temple garment.

-- Bulls**t! If I had a dollar for every faith-promoting story I've heard about garments protecting someone in a fire, I'd be a rich woman. And I always got dirty looks when I pointed out that they're flame retardant. No way. It was those magic symbols that saved poor Brother Schmuck's bacon! --

So, if you run into some rank and file Mormons today, be especially nice. Their leaders just used their tithing money to splash pictures of their underwear all over the Internet.

The fact is the Mormons are persecuted, but not by outsiders. By their own leaders.

For the few devout who read this blog, if it's any consolation, there may be a lot of San Franciscans wearing some ceremonial underpants of our own following Wednesday night's game. Check it out here.

Finally, there's more scary news breaking today. Kate Kelly just learned her appeal has been denied. Read more here.

Happy Halloween!

From The Stake President -- How To Be Humble

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President
Subject: Avoiding self-righteousness

Recently a stake member asked the following question. I felt that all of you should hear my response.

Dear President Knightly,

I work downtown amongst the nonmember community. Every day I am confronted with slovenly and scantily dressed people who listen to NPR, watch R-rated films, and discuss taboo subjects like marriage equality. I know that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to judge my fellow man. But, under such circumstances, I am finding it impossible not to do so. Have you any advice?

Sincerely, 
It's Hard To Be Humble


Dear It's Hard To Be Humble,

We live in a world that is filled with filth. It is only natural that people who are blessed with our advanced knowledge and high moral values be tempted to judge the nonmember community.

But remember that even the lowest, scummiest, and most slovenly nonmember has the potential for greatness. Given the opportunity, he could be like us!

In order to avoid the sin of self-righteousness, whenever I am among nonmembers, I see them not as they are, but as Heavenly Father would have them become. That is, well-groomed, clean-shaven, engaged in fervent prayer, and dressed in their temple clothes.

Next time you're downtown, rather than only seeing this:

Imagine this instead:

In Humility,
President Knighly

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you're obviously falling way short of your potential.