Stake Single Adults Leader Is Mad As Hell And He's Not Going To Take It Anymore

To: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President
    cc: Members of the Abbottsville Stake
From: Ricky Foote
Subject: LDS Single Adults

Dear President Knightly,

Let me begin by saying how humbled and proud Mindy and I are to have been called as Stake Single Adults Leaders. We are ever mindful of the stewardship you hold as a stake president in Zion, and realize the call you extended to us was divinely inspired. You might say, President, that "we stand all amazed" at your intimate relationship with our Savior.

With that in mind, I am greatly saddened to report on my failure with our Stake Single Adults. After you successfully upbraided them for their behavior surrounding the Swinging Seventies Party, I foolishly believed that the Single Adults had matured. So Mindy and I knocked ourselves out planning a fun-filled month of activities, custom-made to their unique situations.

The first sign of rebellion came at last Saturday's Mix and Mingle/Marshmallow Shooting Contest. Rather than use the PVC pipe to make individual blow guns, the measly few who attended pooled their materials to construct a multi-shot weapon that they hooked up to a leaf-blower, then aimed at me.

Last Wednesday I waited for them for a full hour in the lobby of the Abbottsville Federal Building, LDS Single Adults! sign in one hand, happy face balloons and jumbo pack of Oreos in the other. I drew nothing other than strange looks from non-members. Finally concluding that they weren't coming, I went to my car to find "$#%* YOU!" spelled out in unscrewed Oreos across my dash.

Not surprisingly, they were no-shows in the nursery for the Married Adults' Dinner/Dance, leaving Mindy and I to tend the children ourselves. Then Sunday evening I arrived late to the Single Adults' Fireside. I was pleased to find it well attended. Only instead of listening to a presentation on personal histories, the Single Adults were playing poker with former Stake President Taylor. On the Sabbath. Using the sacrament cups for chips.

In spite of all of this, I remained determined not to give up on my Single Adult charges. That is, until today, when I walked into my work cubicle, sat down on a chocolate pudding filled whoopie cushion, then tripped a wire that sent Disco Duck blaring through my computer speakers. All of this drew wild applause from my office team, the LDS Single Adults, and the non-member co-workers they'd invited.

I'm sorry, President Knightly, but in light of this not-so-subtle message, I have to conclude that going on with the upcoming Lunch Hour Mingle and Disco Dance Party would be a very bad idea. And I don't even want to think about what they might do to the inside of the Turley's Suburban.

Like many martyrs before me, from Joseph Smith -- to Paul H. Dunn -- to Mitt Romney, I must strive to love and forgive my persecutors. But, President, as I sit here in my pudding soaked garments, I must confess, it's hard.

Please accept my heartfelt apology.

Prayerfully,

Ricky Foote

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll sign you up for the "No Hands Pudding Eating Contest."

LDS Stake Single Adults Calendar

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adults Leaders
Subject: June LDS Single Adults Calendar

Mindy and I are honored to serve a group that includes so many near and dear, such as my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom. This month we've really gone the distance to plan some super-fun activities custom crafted for your unique status as LDS Single Adults. 


Saturday, June 5, 7:00 PM, Weekend Mix and Mingle. Game night. Sisters bring marshmallows, brethren bring PVC pipe.


Wednesday, June 9, 12:00 noon, Lunch Hour Mingle. Fellowshipping Activity. Find Mindy and I in the lobby of the Abbottsville Federal Building. We'll be holding up our LDS Single Adults! sign. After a group prayer, we'll go to the work places of  less active singles, slip stake calendars under their car window wipers, and write MISS YOU on their windshields in unscrewed Oreos.


Saturday, June 12, 7:00 PM, Weekend Mix and Mingle. Service Project. Meet in the stake nursery to babysit during the Stake Married Adult Dinner/Dance. Clean-up duty afterwards. Mindy and I will check in on you before we leave the dance.


Sunday, June 13, 7:00 PM, Stake Singles' Fireside. Former Stake President Stan Taylor's talk is entitled, "Writing Your Life History." Yes! You should write one even if you don't have a spouse or kids. Mindy's spinster Aunt Eunice wrote hers, and it turned out to be surprisingly interesting.


Saturday, June 19, 7:00 PM, Weekend Mix and Mingle. Service Project. Meet in the stake center parking lot to clean out the interior of the Turley family's Suburban.


Wednesday, June 23, 12:00 noon, Lunch Hour Mingle. Fun and Games. Meet at the north end of Abbottsville Central Park under the banner, LDS Single Adults!  We'll have potato sack races, ice block sliding on the hill, and a "no-hands" pudding eating contest. Be sure to invite your non-member co-workers!


Saturday, June 26, 7:00 PM, Weekend Mix and Mingle. Disco Dance Party!**

**The following standards will be strictly enforced:

 No immodest dress. This includes pierced ears, facial hair or sideburns, and t-shirts advertising tobacco, porn, or caffeinated soft drinks. 

 Admission only upon presentation of a current temple recommend or completion of the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.

No loitering. The halls, kitchen, auxiliary areas and bathrooms will be monitored by CCTV.

 Doors will be locked at 8:00 PM, no re-entrance allowed.

 The DJ's track list has been pre-approved by the stake presidency. No requests other than Janice Kapp Perry, the Osmonds, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

 Participation in the Disco Duck Soul Train Line is mandatory.

 We will adjourn at 11:00 PM sharp, so everyone's home before curfew. Don't forget to call your home teacher when you get there.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, don't be surprised to find your windshield covered in unscrewed Oreo's.