LDS Singles Hitting New Low?

When Mark and I walked into one of our favorite restaurants recently, we found the bar packed with middle-aged men and women participating in a Bay Area singles' speed dating event. We went on to be seated in the dining room with our friends, Jerry and Cheryl. The bar was out of sight, so we couldn't follow the couples' interactions. But we were reminded of their progress by the ringing of a bell at ten minute intervals. Also, on my trip to the ladies' room I witnessed the disturbing spectacle of women at or around my age vying for primping space in front of the mirror.

As he always does when confronted with such a situation, Mark swore that if something happened to me he would never reduce himself to participating in (what he considers to be) such a humiliating activity. While I'd like to agree with him - at least on the primping in the mirror part - I'm not really sure. He and I have been happily married for decades now, and honestly can't say what we'd be "reduced to" if we suddenly found ourselves single. Dating is awkward by definition. And people have been known to do far more embarrassing things for the sake of finding love, or even just for the sake of getting laid.

Take the Mormons, for example.

A middle-aged LDS acquaintance of mine recently attended a single adult activity where the icebreaker was "Pantyhose Tug-of-War." This 2-participant game, evidently introduced on a Japanese game show, proceeds as follows: snip the toes off a pair of women's pantyhose, have each player pull the leg end down over his/her head and face, and then tug in opposite directions until the winner either crosses a line, strips the hose from his/her opponent's face, sustains a concussion, or all three.

My mind goes back to those women at the bathroom mirror, as well as to my initial point. It could have been far more more embarrassing. At least the nonmember middle-aged gals didn't have to ruin their makeup and carefully combed coifs by pulling a hose leg over their faces. (Ahem, I don't think they did, that is. As I said, we couldn't actually see from the dining room.)

Not that I'm all that surprised. Mormons have been patronizing their single adults for generations, subjecting them to infantile activities like mall scavenger hunts, blanket fort building in the cultural hall, and endless rounds of the Bunny Hop. - When researching LDS sites earlier I ran across a sort of "goo game" where participants smear themselves with Vaseline and then compete over how many cotton balls they can adhere to their faces.

That being said, this pantyhose competition seems like a new low, even for an LDS Singles activity.



And the sad thing was, after all that, nobody even got laid.

Single Adult Summer Day Camp!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults

From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adults Leaders

Subject: It’s Day Camp time, boy and girls!

As always, Mindy and I are honored to serve a group that includes so many near and dear, such as my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom.

So clear the first week in June, you crazy kids, for the annual Single Adult Summer Day Camp!

Here are just some of the highlights!

Monday

Scavenger Hunt!

Dressed in our matching LDS SA Day Camp tee-shirts, we’ll divide into teams and search the Abbottsville Mall for:
an employment application

at least 50 cents found on the floor or in the center court fountain

a french fry (can’t buy it)

team photo with a red-head—extra points if his/her name is Kelly

group shot of everybody in one bathroom stall

and more!

Tuesday

Fun with Silly String, glitter, shaving cream and Magic Sand!

Wednesday

Slip-n-Slide!

Thursday

Picnic Day!

Dressed in our matching LDS SA Day Camp tee-shirts, we’ll head over to Abbottsville Park, grill hot dogs and s’mores and then divide into teams for:
potato sack races

leap frog

freeze tag

water balloon toss

toilet paper mummy contest

and more!

Friday

Disney Movie Camp!

featuring:
The Shaggy Dog

Son of Flubber

Superdad

The Little Mermaid—sing-along version

And more!

*Participation in all events is mandatory. **Attendees must either have a current a temple recommend or have completed the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.  

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you might be required to build a blanket fort.

Tolerance 101 -- For Mormons

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adult Leaders
Subject: Come to our next super special ACTIVITY!!! . . . or else.

Hey there, you single boys and girls. As you all know, after the prophet's admonition to LDS Singles who are having too much fun, President Knightly decided to reinstate the Stake Single Adults program. And what does that make Mindy and I?

THE HAPPIEST MARRIED COUPLE ON THE PLANET! 

We want nothing more than for all of you to join the ranks of the happiest of happily marrieds as well, because nothing's too good for a group that includes my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom.

But before we get into the details of the upcoming super fun event, President Knightly has asked that you all read the following:

__________________________

STATEMENT FROM AN OFFICIAL SPOKESMAN FOR THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS

Latter-day Saints have been blessed with revealed truths regarding families that remain unknown to the world at large. For example, we know that dividing up chores makes housekeeping easier, canoeing together is fun, and little kids are really really cute. We also know that our specific gender roles, as defined in THE FAMILY: A PROCLAMATION TO THE WORLD, are woven into the very fabric of the universe. Accordingly, it is our sacred duty to marry and raise families. Any of us who shirk this obligation ensure not only their own damnation, but also assist in the downfall of society as we know it. 

Lately too many Latter-day Saints are opting out of having kids, pursuing "alternative lifestyles," and putting off marriage to have too much fun. It seems that members of our church have turned a deaf ear to the Brethren and are instead listening to the liberal media, a false and selfish source that sends out messages like:

"You're special."

"Do your own thing."

"You deserve to be happy."

These sentiments are in direct opposition to our inspired General Authorities, who know that you're nothing special, expect you to do their thing, and in return believe you deserve zip.

Another selfish trend driven by the media is an over-emphasis on something they call "tolerance." Unfortunately, the definition of "tolerance" has shifted over the years. Until recently in our national history, tolerance referred to racial and religious non-discrimination -- things that God changed his mind about in the 1970's. The Brethren have no problem with that. In fact the LDS Church preaches tolerance. It is important that people listen to other points of view, appreciate cultural differences, and, above all, take care not to impose their views on others.

Unless, of course, THEY'RE RIGHT! 

As the General Authorities obviously are.

Remember that tolerance is secondary to the higher virtue of love. Indeed, Jesus loves all of His children unconditionally. Except for those He can't tolerate. For example:

Gays

Feminists

Intellectuals

People who pick out their own underwear

Single adults
History buffs

Working mothers
Scientists

Men with pierced ears

People who watched last Sunday's Tony Awards

-- A full list of those Jesus can't tolerate has been condensed into a 175MB PDF file and can be downloaded off the church website. -- But in short, the only tolerable Latter-day Saint is married in the temple, active in the church, pays his tithing, has at least four kids, protests gay marriage, votes Republican, and has no tolerance for anyone who doesn't do all of the above.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

_________________________ 

Okey-Dokey boys and girls, after reading that I bet you're really anxious to come to our super fun activity -- and guess what -- it's a LUAU!! That's right kids, I'm brushing up on my Don Ho repertoire as we speak. Mindy's mixed up a big vat of poi. Also she's stringing you all some super cute puka shell necklaces out of frosted Cheerios. So dig out your Hawaiian shirts and hula skirts, dust off your ukuleles, and get ready to drink the requisite kool-aid.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, the Footes will be dropping by your house to perform their rendition of "Tiny Bubbles."

Single Adults Get Final Warning!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: MY FINAL WARNING!

Recently I suspended all Single Adults activities because of your gross mistreatment of  our esteemed Stake Single Adults leader, Ricky Foote. I met with each of you in extensive one on one interviews and listened to your concerns. I felt we had reached an understanding, that you were sufficiently humbled, and that I could finally reinstate our inspired Stake Single Adults program. Accordingly, I instructed Ricky to plan a fun New Year's Eve activity.


Then I was appalled to hear that after all of Ricky's labors, Sister Millie Loomis was the sole attendee at the Stake Single Adults' New Year's Eve Dance. Even her date failed to show up -- after she'd gone to the trouble to handcraft an invitation out of Sweet Tarts and deliver it via carrier pigeon.


But I was more disturbed when I heard that upon returning to the church parking lot, Ricky found the carrier pigeon locked inside of his car with the following note attached:

Sorry to POOP out on you, but we won't be DROPPING by the dance because we're tired of being treated like CR#P and think you're full of S%$T.* 

*edited for civility's sake. 

Clearly, I was wrong to assume you had learned your lesson.


As I said before, I know that Ricky is young enough to be your son, and that, in fact, one of you is his actual mother. But again I remind you that what Ricky lacks in age, he makes up for in inspired wisdom and priesthood authority. Moreover, he is devoted to all of you. He wants nothing more than to find a sweetheart for his old principal, an eternal companion for his former pediatrician, and for himself, a new step-dad. Again, I repeat:

None of you should consider yourselves on par with Ricky Foote. If you were, you would be married.

It's so tasty too!

As far as your treatment, you have gotten better than you deserve. According to my sources, instead of the wholesome LDS Single Adults' dance, you attended a New Year's Eve party thrown by the San Francisco Post-Mormons where you engaged in "lightmindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed," and witnessed the public drunkenness of a certain disreputable female blogger.


After praying to our Heavenly Father, consulting with Ricky and your respective bishops, and evaluating your individual situations and standings in the community, I have made the following decision.

You're grounded.

From now until an undetermined time in the future, you will go nowhere but work, church, the temple, Costco, and the local FranklinCovey. Your goings and comings will be monitored by your home teachers, your visiting teachers, your quorum presidencies, your bishoprics, and, when necessary, the private security team, Big Beefy Tongans, Inc. 


During the period of your detention, I assign the following:

1. Complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.
2. Fast and pray.
3. Read Doctrine and Covenants 132 and Behind Every Good Man by John Bytheway.
4. Shampoo the interior of Ricky Foote's Hyundai.
5. Take turns feeding and caring for the pigeon. 
6. Staff the nursery at the upcoming Stake Valentines Day Dance.
7. Write a 500 word essay on what it means to be a "Menace to Society."
8. Make imaginative invitations asking that special someone to a future Single Adults' dance. Supplies can be found in your ward Primary closet.

Be aware that this is your FINAL WARNING! If any of you fail to obey all of the above commands, I will have no other choice than to report your misbehavior to your home teachers, your Relief Society presidency, your priesthood quorums, your bishopric, both Quorums of the Seventy, the Quorum of the Twelve, the First Presidency, the Deseret News, and your mothers.


After all, as your humble servant it is my job to look after your best interests.


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, don't be surprised if you receive a visit from Big Beefy Tongans, Inc.

   

Stake Single Adults Prepare To Ring In the New Year!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adults Leaders
Subject: Happy New Year, boy and girls!


Mindy and I are pleased to announce that President Knightly has decided to reinstate the Abbottsville Stake Single Adults Program!*


As always, we are honored to serve a group that includes so many near and dear, such as my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom. 

We've really gone the distance to plan a super-fun New Year's Eve Dance**  custom crafted for your unique status as LDS Single Adults.


Since President Knightly has ordered  the Single Adult sisters to each invite one of the Single Adult brethren as her date, Mindy came up with some creative ways for you gals to pop that awkward question without it being too embarrassing.

1. Fill a basket with Hostess "Ding Dongs" and "Twinkies." Place the basket at his doorstep, ring the doorbell, and run. A message in the basket should read, "DING DONG! I'm ringing your bell to see if you'll go to the dance with a TWINKIE like me."

2. Find a bug splat on the windshield of his car. Make a big arrow and tape it onto his windshield pointing directly to the splat. On the arrow, write, "This takes a lot of GUTS, but I was wondering if you'd go to the dance with me!"

3. Hire a police officer to drive to your date's house, knock on his front door, handcuff him, and take him to the squad car. Leave a note on the car seat that has, "Now that I have ARRESTED your attention, will you go to the dance with me?" all spelled out in Hershey Kisses.

4. Bake a batch of homemade Parker House rolls, slather them with melted butter, leave them at his front door, ring the bell, and run. Attach a message to the pan that reads, "If I BUTTER you up, will you RISE to the occasion?" 

Likewise, the brethren may choose one of the following methods of ACCEPTING the sisters' invitations

1. Give her a world atlas and a card that reads, "Yes! ATLASt you have asked me to the dance! You mean the WORLD to me! Without you, the EARTH would stop SPINNING! OCEANS couldn't keep us apart! Now that you have me, you've got the whole WORLD in your hands."

2. Duct tape your date's toilet seat shut. Across the tape write, "I'll GO with you."

3. For this idea, you will need some musical ability and a horse. Dress up as a handsome prince and ride the horse to her home. Use a trumpet to announce your arrival. When she comes to the door, dismount the horse, roll out a red carpet, walk to her threshold, kneel down and say, "I officially accept Your Majesty's invitation to the dance." 

 4. Send her a helium balloon that reads, "I'm UP for it."



Find more ideas here.

*Stake Single Adults may participate in Single Adult activities only if they first comply with the following conditions:

1. Obtain a temple recommend or complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire
2. Fulfill your usual assignment at the Stake Family Christmas Party. That is, set up, serve dinner, man the nursery, and clean up afterwards.
3. Attend tithing settlement. (Remember to bring your tax return!)
4. Resolve to be married by the end of 2011.

**At the dance the following standards will be strictly enforced:

1. No immodest dress. This includes pierced ears, facial hair or sideburns, and t-shirts advertising tobacco, porn, or caffeinated soft drinks. For more information, click here.
2. No loitering. The halls, kitchen, auxiliary areas and bathrooms will be monitored by CCTV.
3. Doors will be locked at 8:00 PM, no re-entrance allowed.
4. The DJ's track list has been pre-approved by the stake presidency. No requests other than Janice Kapp Perry, the Osmonds, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
5. Participation in the Chicken Dance is mandatory.
6. At the stroke of midnight the brethren are required to give their dates a chaste kiss (no tongues.)
7. We will adjourn at 12:01 AM sharp. Don't forget to call your home teacher when you get there.

Be there or be square, boys and girls!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you must first complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.

BYU Education Week Is Busy, Busy, Busy!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: A typical day at BYU Education Week

Earlier this month I returned to my beloved alma mater for Education Week. I was proud to find that BYU is still the intellectual mecca I remembered. In fact, the scholarly offerings were so plentiful, that I barely had time to eat, sleep or bathe. But then, if there's one thing I've learned after four years at  BYU, it's how to survive. I packed some deodorant, shot myself up with bee venom, and headed for class. This was the schedule of my first day:


8:30-9:25: Book of Mormon Marathon 
I arrived at the Jesse Knight Building to hear the recitation of Brother G. LaRay Maddox, PhD, who has committed the entire Book of Mormon to memory. I stayed for the first couple chapters of 1 Nephi. 


9:30-10:25: Ethnic Dance 

Sparky McKay and I cut a mean rug around a Mexican hat. He was surprisingly spry for his eighty years. 




10:30-11:25: Our Latter-day Heritage    
We discussed the secret meeting between George Washington and the Three Nephites, the celestial attributes of Abraham Lincoln's plural wives, and Elder Paul H. Dunn's role in the crafting of the Marshall Plan. 


11:30-12:25: Devotional Address 
Brother Elijah Hatch's talk was entitled, "Don't Go to Bed Without The Brethren: a guide for newlyweds of all ages."


12:30-1:25: How Living the Gospel Brings Us Joy 

Sister JayNeen Sorenson explained why cleaning the ward toilets makes her happy, how tithing settlement can be a hoot, and that guilt actually triggers the release of endorphins.




1:30-2:25: The Reality of Global Warming
According to Brother Parley Richards, PhD, the "inconvenient truth" is that the Millennium is nigh, the planet's destined to go up in smoke, and this whole "save the earth" business is a waste of time. We drank quart sized cream sodas out of non-recyclable containers, tossed the plastic out on the lawn, and gave each other high-fives. 


2:30-3:25: The Place for Humor in the Church

Brother Homer Dixon taught that out of respect for The Brethren, and in the spirit of obedience, we should avoid all humor, except for jokes about cutesy little kids, ditsy housewives, and silly people - like feminists, gays, and so-called intellectuals.


 3:30-4:25: Intimacy in Marriage

As always, Brother Antonio Firenze Smoot drew a large female crowd who, from the looks of their complexions, seemed to be suffering from a familiar menopausal symptom. Afterwards he signed copies of Tall and Tawny Studs, where he has made his cover debut.


4:30-5:25: Combating the Fiery Darts of Satan -- a guide to the Internet

In his signature no holds barred style, Brother Rock McConkie took us on a terrifying behind the scenes cyber-tour. I've now blocked everything from my computer that isn't sponsored by the LDS Church, Glenn Beck, or NuSkin.


5:30-6:55 Book of Mormon Marathon
Back at the Jesse Knight Building Brother Maddox was still going strong. But the audience had lapsed into varying states of catatonia. I nudged the person beside me to attention and sat through the end of 2 Nephi.


7:00-8:55 Brigham Young University presents: Annie Get Your Garments!
Feisty BYU coed, Annie Kimball, had no interest in dating guys, especially when she could lick them all over the Wilkinson Center ping-pong table. Then she met hunky Rulon Featherstone, a man so thick with pheromones he left hundreds of damp, limp sisters strewn along his path. He found Annie in the library and tried to flirt. She moved to another carrel. He stalked her to the MARB and begged for a date. She turned up her pert little nose. Finally, he proposed via the card section at LaVell Edwards Stadium. She refused to marry him. Then the bishop called her into his office and told her she had to.

9:00-10:55 Single Adult Dance
We bunny-hopped the night away.






11:00-11:55 Patriotic Rally

Popular Salt Lake talk show host, T. Golden Packer, delivered a fiery speech imploring us to gird our loins, rally behind the faith, and prepare ourselves for the impending Armageddon, so that we can rid society of the fanatical religious nut jobs who want to spoil our way of life.


12:00-
I returned to the Jesse Knight building to find Brother Maddox beginning the book of Mosiah. I hopped on one foot to stay awake, then collapsed in the corner.


It was pedal to the medal for the rest of the week, and my body is still weak from the exhaustion. My testimony, however, is stronger than ever. How grateful I am to be a member of the one and only true church and a graduate of the Lord's university. 


Where else but BYU could I have learned all of this?


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, check this box.

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President

Subject: September Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,

Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner

for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this September with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

Nephi and Sariah's Excellent Adventure

by

C. Gordon Young, Ph.D

When seventeen year old fraternal twins Nephi and Sariah Price discover a portal in the bottom of their grandpa's potato cellar, they swirl back in time to Book of Mormon days. Armed with only their testimonies and Nephi's Liahona decoder ring, they navigate a maze of wicked kings, stripling warriors, secret combinations, and a few harlots. Will our hero and heroine's Jaredite barge ever resurface? Will they win the tapir-drawn chariot race? Will they ever get through all of Second Nephi? Read this sword-wielding, sling-hurling page turner to find out.

The Mormon Urban Renewal Project

by

Dallin McConkie Smoot Richards II

Two LDS missionaries are sent to the south side of Chicago where they tract out a block that is frequented by crack dealers. The elders compete with the dealers by selling incredibly awesome Rice Krispies Treats they've created by combining their moms' recipes. The crack dealers go broke, the missionaries get rich, and everyone on the block joins the church. Devoting themselves to the gospel, the new members remove their tattoos, listen to Glen Beck, sell Amway, and pledge money to end gay marriage in California. As a result the entire block turns white! They put up picket fences, decorate their yards with garden gnomes, and petition the Chicago zoning office to transform a nearby abandoned school into a Costco Club.

Pride or Paycheck

by

Tisha Sweet

LDS English girl, Elizabeth Smith, is not yet one and twenty, and not in want of a husband. Indeed, nobody at the Hertfordshire Stake Singles' Ball could tempt her. Certainly not that snob from Salt Lake City, Rulon Parmenter. What nerve he has, arriving late, refusing to dance, and flaunting his upper class East Bench accent. Then her friend Charlotte tells her he's a flight attendant for Delta Airlines. Blimey! That's a real job! ... Could it be that Elizabeth has found her Brother Darcy?

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, click here.

LDS Stake Single Adults Have Some 'Splaining To Do!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Temporary suspension of the Stake Single Adults program

In light of recent events, I have decided to suspend all activities until I can be assured that your excellent Single Adults Leader, Ricky Foote, will be treated with the dignity, respect, and appreciation he deserves. I understand that he is young enough to be your son, and, in fact, that one of you is his actual mother. But, as I've said before, what Ricky lacks in age, he makes up for in inspired wisdom and priesthood authority. And he is devoted to you, the brothers and sisters he looked up to as a child. He wants nothing more than to find a sweetheart for his old principal, an eternal companion for his former pediatrician, and for himself, a new step-dad. None of you should consider yourselves on par with Ricky Foote. If you were, you would be married.

As always, I am willing to listen. In the coming weeks, I will be meeting with you individually to discuss your concerns, as well as your responses to The Official Worthiness Questionnaire. Here are a few thoughts for now.

Dear Sisters,
You have e-mailed me the following:

"I'm a working mom and don't have time to decorate cars with unscrewed Oreos."

"I am happy with my life and career, and don't need to go out looking for love."

"Isn't it enough that I go to church with the a$$holes on Sunday? Must I marry one too?"

"There is no place for a single woman in the LDS faith."

The first three complaints demonstrate a serious lack of respect for the Lord's anointed, and will be better dealt with in the upcoming one on one interviews. However, I am prepared to address the final concern at present.

There is a place for single women in our faith. But it is up to you to take it! The Abbottsville Stake offers countless opportunities for you to proudly assume your divine roll. Look around. There's the ward nursery, the understocked church freezers, the interior of the Turley's Suburban, and, thanks to the Brethren's inspired decision to lay off the janitors, the ward toilets.

I call on all single sisters to tend to your duties. You may begin by removing the pudding stains from Ricky Foote's dress suit.

ATTENTION SISTERS! THE FOLLOWING IS FOR PRIESTHOOD HOLDERS ONLY!

Dear Brethren,

I feel I must take a stronger tone with you. The sisters have something of an excuse, as the priesthood has the responsibility of making the first move. So, I must ask, what the devil are you waiting for?

Brigham Young said that a single man over twenty-five is a menace to society.

In light of that knowledge, I am confused by the e-mails I have received from some of you:

"I don't want a wife or kids, and I don't have time to clean out the Turley's Suburban."

"As a 55 year old nuclear physicist, I've no interest in participating in a 'no hands pudding eating contest.'"

"I'm gay."

"The single women in the stake are either too fat, too ugly, or too bossy to go out with."

I am prepared to dismiss all but the final of these flimsy excuses.

Well of course they are. What did you expect?

If you'd been responsible, and married within six months of returning home from your mission, you'd have gotten that cute little sweet spirit before she had time to work or get fat or be educated. But you didn't did you? And you've only yourselves to blame.

Now forget the past and move onto the present. Let me point out that those cute little sweet spirits don't always stay cute. (Checked out Sister Turley lately?) Nor do they always stay sweet. (Margaret Spencer, for example.) The fact is, a lot of us married guys don't have it so great either. But we do have one advantage over you singles. That is, as married brethren, we are destined for the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom, where the eternal doctrine of plural marriage will be restored.

So I beg you, brethren, to take another look at those single sisters. Some of them aren't half bad. Plus marrying one in this life will ensure you all of these in the next:

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, the Turley Family will drop over Sunday morning to drive you to church in their Suburban.

Stake Single Adults Leader Is Mad As Hell And He's Not Going To Take It Anymore

To: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President
    cc: Members of the Abbottsville Stake
From: Ricky Foote
Subject: LDS Single Adults

Dear President Knightly,

Let me begin by saying how humbled and proud Mindy and I are to have been called as Stake Single Adults Leaders. We are ever mindful of the stewardship you hold as a stake president in Zion, and realize the call you extended to us was divinely inspired. You might say, President, that "we stand all amazed" at your intimate relationship with our Savior.

With that in mind, I am greatly saddened to report on my failure with our Stake Single Adults. After you successfully upbraided them for their behavior surrounding the Swinging Seventies Party, I foolishly believed that the Single Adults had matured. So Mindy and I knocked ourselves out planning a fun-filled month of activities, custom-made to their unique situations.

The first sign of rebellion came at last Saturday's Mix and Mingle/Marshmallow Shooting Contest. Rather than use the PVC pipe to make individual blow guns, the measly few who attended pooled their materials to construct a multi-shot weapon that they hooked up to a leaf-blower, then aimed at me.

Last Wednesday I waited for them for a full hour in the lobby of the Abbottsville Federal Building, LDS Single Adults! sign in one hand, happy face balloons and jumbo pack of Oreos in the other. I drew nothing other than strange looks from non-members. Finally concluding that they weren't coming, I went to my car to find "$#%* YOU!" spelled out in unscrewed Oreos across my dash.

Not surprisingly, they were no-shows in the nursery for the Married Adults' Dinner/Dance, leaving Mindy and I to tend the children ourselves. Then Sunday evening I arrived late to the Single Adults' Fireside. I was pleased to find it well attended. Only instead of listening to a presentation on personal histories, the Single Adults were playing poker with former Stake President Taylor. On the Sabbath. Using the sacrament cups for chips.

In spite of all of this, I remained determined not to give up on my Single Adult charges. That is, until today, when I walked into my work cubicle, sat down on a chocolate pudding filled whoopie cushion, then tripped a wire that sent Disco Duck blaring through my computer speakers. All of this drew wild applause from my office team, the LDS Single Adults, and the non-member co-workers they'd invited.

I'm sorry, President Knightly, but in light of this not-so-subtle message, I have to conclude that going on with the upcoming Lunch Hour Mingle and Disco Dance Party would be a very bad idea. And I don't even want to think about what they might do to the inside of the Turley's Suburban.

Like many martyrs before me, from Joseph Smith -- to Paul H. Dunn -- to Mitt Romney, I must strive to love and forgive my persecutors. But, President, as I sit here in my pudding soaked garments, I must confess, it's hard.

Please accept my heartfelt apology.

Prayerfully,

Ricky Foote

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll sign you up for the "No Hands Pudding Eating Contest."