Ward Threat Level Increase!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update

No fair. I never get to have fun.

Due to the recent cancellation of Glenn Beck's TV show, increased chatter over same sex marriage, and the alarming number of LDS young people who want to have "too much fun," I have raised the Ward Threat Level to RED.


Every ward member is advised to have on hand a one year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 hand guns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon jug of consecrated oil. 

We know he's a professor because
he has a chalkboard!

There's no telling how much evil will rush in to fill the void left by Professor Beck. Ward members should brace themselves for an onslaught of feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on looting, murdering, masturbating, declaring Hawaii a state, and putting off marriage to have too much fun. 


Be aware, brothers and sisters, that we are the target and nowhere is safe. For example, I strongly suspect that during the closed-circuit televising of last Saturday's General Priesthood Session somebody poisoned the drinking fountains at the Abbottsville Stake Center with a substance that robs red-blooded American males of their precious bodily fluids.


Brethren in other stakes have voiced similar suspicions. I am assembling a task force to investigate how global this fiendish anti-Mormon plot has become, and will report our findings ASAP.




In the mean time remain vigilant, and don't forget to submit your nominations for our Official Ward Gun

This concludes your Ward Preparedness Update.

Your fellow patriot,
Bull Barton


If you want to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you're part of the plot.


(Psst ... Thanks Ahab for sending me the article I linked to "too much fun.")

BYU Education Week Is Busy, Busy, Busy!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: A typical day at BYU Education Week

Earlier this month I returned to my beloved alma mater for Education Week. I was proud to find that BYU is still the intellectual mecca I remembered. In fact, the scholarly offerings were so plentiful, that I barely had time to eat, sleep or bathe. But then, if there's one thing I've learned after four years at  BYU, it's how to survive. I packed some deodorant, shot myself up with bee venom, and headed for class. This was the schedule of my first day:


8:30-9:25: Book of Mormon Marathon 
I arrived at the Jesse Knight Building to hear the recitation of Brother G. LaRay Maddox, PhD, who has committed the entire Book of Mormon to memory. I stayed for the first couple chapters of 1 Nephi. 


9:30-10:25: Ethnic Dance 

Sparky McKay and I cut a mean rug around a Mexican hat. He was surprisingly spry for his eighty years. 




10:30-11:25: Our Latter-day Heritage    
We discussed the secret meeting between George Washington and the Three Nephites, the celestial attributes of Abraham Lincoln's plural wives, and Elder Paul H. Dunn's role in the crafting of the Marshall Plan. 


11:30-12:25: Devotional Address 
Brother Elijah Hatch's talk was entitled, "Don't Go to Bed Without The Brethren: a guide for newlyweds of all ages."


12:30-1:25: How Living the Gospel Brings Us Joy 

Sister JayNeen Sorenson explained why cleaning the ward toilets makes her happy, how tithing settlement can be a hoot, and that guilt actually triggers the release of endorphins.




1:30-2:25: The Reality of Global Warming
According to Brother Parley Richards, PhD, the "inconvenient truth" is that the Millennium is nigh, the planet's destined to go up in smoke, and this whole "save the earth" business is a waste of time. We drank quart sized cream sodas out of non-recyclable containers, tossed the plastic out on the lawn, and gave each other high-fives. 


2:30-3:25: The Place for Humor in the Church

Brother Homer Dixon taught that out of respect for The Brethren, and in the spirit of obedience, we should avoid all humor, except for jokes about cutesy little kids, ditsy housewives, and silly people - like feminists, gays, and so-called intellectuals.


 3:30-4:25: Intimacy in Marriage

As always, Brother Antonio Firenze Smoot drew a large female crowd who, from the looks of their complexions, seemed to be suffering from a familiar menopausal symptom. Afterwards he signed copies of Tall and Tawny Studs, where he has made his cover debut.


4:30-5:25: Combating the Fiery Darts of Satan -- a guide to the Internet

In his signature no holds barred style, Brother Rock McConkie took us on a terrifying behind the scenes cyber-tour. I've now blocked everything from my computer that isn't sponsored by the LDS Church, Glenn Beck, or NuSkin.


5:30-6:55 Book of Mormon Marathon
Back at the Jesse Knight Building Brother Maddox was still going strong. But the audience had lapsed into varying states of catatonia. I nudged the person beside me to attention and sat through the end of 2 Nephi.


7:00-8:55 Brigham Young University presents: Annie Get Your Garments!
Feisty BYU coed, Annie Kimball, had no interest in dating guys, especially when she could lick them all over the Wilkinson Center ping-pong table. Then she met hunky Rulon Featherstone, a man so thick with pheromones he left hundreds of damp, limp sisters strewn along his path. He found Annie in the library and tried to flirt. She moved to another carrel. He stalked her to the MARB and begged for a date. She turned up her pert little nose. Finally, he proposed via the card section at LaVell Edwards Stadium. She refused to marry him. Then the bishop called her into his office and told her she had to.

9:00-10:55 Single Adult Dance
We bunny-hopped the night away.






11:00-11:55 Patriotic Rally

Popular Salt Lake talk show host, T. Golden Packer, delivered a fiery speech imploring us to gird our loins, rally behind the faith, and prepare ourselves for the impending Armageddon, so that we can rid society of the fanatical religious nut jobs who want to spoil our way of life.


12:00-
I returned to the Jesse Knight building to find Brother Maddox beginning the book of Mosiah. I hopped on one foot to stay awake, then collapsed in the corner.


It was pedal to the medal for the rest of the week, and my body is still weak from the exhaustion. My testimony, however, is stronger than ever. How grateful I am to be a member of the one and only true church and a graduate of the Lord's university. 


Where else but BYU could I have learned all of this?


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