Stocking Stuffers For The Sisters

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: Holiday gift suggestions

Dear Sisters,
Books make the best Christmas gifts, especially for the righteous members of our Go Sit in the Corner for Women book club. This season consider the following LDS titles:

The

Devil

Wears Mr. Mac

by
Anonymous

Ever wanted to be a fly on the prophet's wall? The Devil Wears Mr. Mac offers its readers precisely that. Written under the cloak of anonymity, this unexpurgated memoir recalls the experiences of a secretary who worked on the highest level at the Church Office Building. Follow along with "our girl Friday" as she fetches his Postum, schedules his calendar, provides his meals, tends to his wardrobe, and otherwise "inspires" the Lord's mouthpiece. Witness first hand the petty back-biting between the apostles. Learn how they really measure up in the locker room. Experience the backstage drama when Elder Packer's teleprompter fails. See how long President Uchtdorf spends in make-up. And witness the holy hell that breaks loose when the Seer and Revelator misses his pedicure. A must read for the General Authority groupie. 

Mormon Intellectual

by

Milton Pace, PhD

In this intimate memoir, Nobel physicist Milton Pace shares how he remains both a scientist and a believing Mormon thanks to his unshakable faith and burning testimony. He also credits Valium, primal scream therapy, Prozac, a padded cell and a polo mallet.

Paul H. Dunn

the authorized biography

by G. Reginald Durham

Paul H. Dunn, the authorized biography chronicles the true story of the world's most influential and well-connected Mormon. In addition to personal accounts of Elder Dunn's widely known triumphs on the battle and baseball fields, this new and fully annotated biography includes never before told stories about the former General Authority. Readers will be transported to the pre-existence, where Elder Dunn fought on the front lines in the War in Heaven, struck out Satan in the bottom of the ninth, and mingled with all manner of kings and queens, priests and priestesses. They will also glimpse his interactions with a host of LDS characters, including Nephi, Moroni, Ammon, Tom Trails, Johnny Lingo, and Charly. No believing Latter-day Saint should miss out on this amazing piece of work.

MEN ARE FROM

KOLOB

Women are from

Costco

by
Larry R. Martin, MD 

This breakthrough best seller presents the scriptural and scientific reasoning that supports the LDS priesthood holder's God-given right to buy in bulk.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we suggest you try primal scream therapy.

Another NorCal Ex-Mormon Testimony Meeting

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: We would again be remiss if  . . .

My dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward,

Just because we're ex-Mormons doesn't mean we don't have testimonies. After all, it takes a village/ward to raise an ex-Mormon. In that spirit, we gather every first Sunday to express our gratitude to the people and circumstances that helped us see the light. 

This month our thanks went out to:

1. The San Francisco Ferry Building and its myriad venues for breaking the fast, the Sabbath, and the Word of Wisdom.
2. The historical problem that Mormon leaders have keeping their stories straight -- from Joseph Smith and his multiple versions of the First Vision, to Paul Dunn and his slew of bogus faith-promoting stories.
3.  The historical problem we had keeping our own stories straight. -- Or, how thankful we are that we no longer have to find ways to say we "know the church is true" without really saying it. It used to be: "I know... that god lives." or "I have a strong ... testimony of ... the gospel." Now it's just: "It's a load of crap." 
4. Well-meaning TBM moms. Like the one who can't stop sending her son pro-Mormon emails that argue against his point of view. Or another who likes to slip in an invitation to church just as her son and DIL are hurrying out the door. (Hoping that in the rush of the moment they'll accept.)
5. The nincompoops at BYU who brought a world class Rodin exhibit to the campus, then hid most of the sculpture in the basement.
6. The nincompoops in the COB who decided to "glam up" the sister missionaries by finally letting them "wear colors" and go without pantyhose. (Now that pantyhose are coming back into style.)
7. # 10 cans of freeze dried potato flakes.
8. The bargains at the bar ware sale at Sur la Table that helped keep the children amused during the meeting.

Way more educational than the "Testimony Glove!"

In addition to extolling the joys of not living the gospel, we also addressed the following weighty points of doctrine:

How will rank and file church members react if the Prophet decides to reverse the church's stand on gay marriage? Will they be angry that God has once again changed his mind? Or will they be relieved that they can finally be on the right side of the issue?
--We decided it would probably be a toss-up between the two.

Who's the bigger asshole? Packer or Bednar?
--Another toss-up.

But, after extended discussion, we were inconclusive on the question of how, if the two were separated, the left and right brain would respond individually when asked, "Do you believe in God?"
--No, we were not stoned.

We closed with a discussion of these upcoming events:

A boozy and/or highly caffeinated General Conference pot luck.

A litany of ex-Mormon holiday pot lucks.

A freeze-dried food pot luck.

A clandestine infiltration of the church vault that will require each of us to drop inside on a wire whilst deftly dodging the errant motion sensors. More details to come.

If we have offended any of you -- or have forgotten to thank someone, kindly share your testimony in the comment field. Also any spy ware and technical expertise will be appreciated.

BYU Education Week Is Busy, Busy, Busy!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: A typical day at BYU Education Week

Earlier this month I returned to my beloved alma mater for Education Week. I was proud to find that BYU is still the intellectual mecca I remembered. In fact, the scholarly offerings were so plentiful, that I barely had time to eat, sleep or bathe. But then, if there's one thing I've learned after four years at  BYU, it's how to survive. I packed some deodorant, shot myself up with bee venom, and headed for class. This was the schedule of my first day:


8:30-9:25: Book of Mormon Marathon 
I arrived at the Jesse Knight Building to hear the recitation of Brother G. LaRay Maddox, PhD, who has committed the entire Book of Mormon to memory. I stayed for the first couple chapters of 1 Nephi. 


9:30-10:25: Ethnic Dance 

Sparky McKay and I cut a mean rug around a Mexican hat. He was surprisingly spry for his eighty years. 




10:30-11:25: Our Latter-day Heritage    
We discussed the secret meeting between George Washington and the Three Nephites, the celestial attributes of Abraham Lincoln's plural wives, and Elder Paul H. Dunn's role in the crafting of the Marshall Plan. 


11:30-12:25: Devotional Address 
Brother Elijah Hatch's talk was entitled, "Don't Go to Bed Without The Brethren: a guide for newlyweds of all ages."


12:30-1:25: How Living the Gospel Brings Us Joy 

Sister JayNeen Sorenson explained why cleaning the ward toilets makes her happy, how tithing settlement can be a hoot, and that guilt actually triggers the release of endorphins.




1:30-2:25: The Reality of Global Warming
According to Brother Parley Richards, PhD, the "inconvenient truth" is that the Millennium is nigh, the planet's destined to go up in smoke, and this whole "save the earth" business is a waste of time. We drank quart sized cream sodas out of non-recyclable containers, tossed the plastic out on the lawn, and gave each other high-fives. 


2:30-3:25: The Place for Humor in the Church

Brother Homer Dixon taught that out of respect for The Brethren, and in the spirit of obedience, we should avoid all humor, except for jokes about cutesy little kids, ditsy housewives, and silly people - like feminists, gays, and so-called intellectuals.


 3:30-4:25: Intimacy in Marriage

As always, Brother Antonio Firenze Smoot drew a large female crowd who, from the looks of their complexions, seemed to be suffering from a familiar menopausal symptom. Afterwards he signed copies of Tall and Tawny Studs, where he has made his cover debut.


4:30-5:25: Combating the Fiery Darts of Satan -- a guide to the Internet

In his signature no holds barred style, Brother Rock McConkie took us on a terrifying behind the scenes cyber-tour. I've now blocked everything from my computer that isn't sponsored by the LDS Church, Glenn Beck, or NuSkin.


5:30-6:55 Book of Mormon Marathon
Back at the Jesse Knight Building Brother Maddox was still going strong. But the audience had lapsed into varying states of catatonia. I nudged the person beside me to attention and sat through the end of 2 Nephi.


7:00-8:55 Brigham Young University presents: Annie Get Your Garments!
Feisty BYU coed, Annie Kimball, had no interest in dating guys, especially when she could lick them all over the Wilkinson Center ping-pong table. Then she met hunky Rulon Featherstone, a man so thick with pheromones he left hundreds of damp, limp sisters strewn along his path. He found Annie in the library and tried to flirt. She moved to another carrel. He stalked her to the MARB and begged for a date. She turned up her pert little nose. Finally, he proposed via the card section at LaVell Edwards Stadium. She refused to marry him. Then the bishop called her into his office and told her she had to.

9:00-10:55 Single Adult Dance
We bunny-hopped the night away.






11:00-11:55 Patriotic Rally

Popular Salt Lake talk show host, T. Golden Packer, delivered a fiery speech imploring us to gird our loins, rally behind the faith, and prepare ourselves for the impending Armageddon, so that we can rid society of the fanatical religious nut jobs who want to spoil our way of life.


12:00-
I returned to the Jesse Knight building to find Brother Maddox beginning the book of Mosiah. I hopped on one foot to stay awake, then collapsed in the corner.


It was pedal to the medal for the rest of the week, and my body is still weak from the exhaustion. My testimony, however, is stronger than ever. How grateful I am to be a member of the one and only true church and a graduate of the Lord's university. 


Where else but BYU could I have learned all of this?


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