I Would Be Remiss if I Didn't Thank Prop 8

Last Sunday was Fast and Testimony Meeting, and as my gentle readers--plus the saints in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward--well know, that means the Post-Mormons gathered at the San Francisco Ferry Building for our own unique form of worship. This month we welcomed quite a few new members, and, of course, invited them to tell us a little about themselves. While the newcomers varied in age, profession and domestic situations, their life journeys included a common theme:

• "I left the LDS Church in 2008 because of its support of Prop 8."
• "I left the LDS Church many years ago, but then officially resigned in 2008 because of Prop 8."
• "I quit going to church but didn't tell my extended family. Then I came out to them over Prop 8."
• "I was partially active to please my family. Then in 2008…" 

2008 was a very big year for the Ex-Mormons. But the Brethren in Salt Lake still don't get that, as Dallin Oaks demonstrated recently at a regional conference in New Zealand where he delivered yet another tiresome screed against gay marriage.

Of course, the LDS Church has always had a dickens of a time figuring out "traditional marriage," from the early days of polygamy to today's bizarre Mormon version of nuptials--the bride and groom decked out in crazy-assed get-ups and exchanging vows before the privileged few while the majority of their loved ones cool their heels outside the temple.

As the usually cheerful blogger, Single Dad Laughing, said in his post today:

"Want to know something sad? I don’t go to my family’s weddings anymore. Not my cousins. Not even my siblings. At least not if they take place in Mormon temples (which most of them do). Know why? Because. If I do go, I don’t even get to go. I am asked to sit down with everyone’s children and babysit because I am not considered worthy to go inside and watch the ceremony. And let me tell you how fun that is, hanging out with all the teenage girls and trying to corral three dozen out of control toddlers."

The poor Mormon authorities. Lies, guilt, exclusion, organized tedium, flagrant bigotry, and stubborn adherence to the wrong opinions just aren't enough to retain those numbers anymore. Meanwhile, our Post-Mormon attendance continues to increase, as has our loud laughter, light-mindedness, and evil speaking of the self-appointed.

But we aren't trivial. Last Sunday we debated whether Kolob was a planet or a star--a spirited discussion that continued into the next day over the internet. I was convinced it was a star, until one of our newbies, Dan, provided me with scientific proof that Kokob was the star and Kolob the planet. And then it all seemed to make sense when longtime attendee, Cheryl, pointed out that a person couldn't "hie to a star,"because she'd burn up! Only that sparked further debate over whether a person's garments would protect her from burning up, also over whether or not our resurrected bodies would need them. Wouldn't our magic underwear be built into our skin? Or perhaps the Celestial Distribution Center will sell a spray-on variety. Our findings were inconclusive. Nevertheless, it was way spiritual.

And I would be remiss if I didn't thank Prop 8.

Stocking Stuffers For The Sisters

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: Holiday gift suggestions

Dear Sisters,
Books make the best Christmas gifts, especially for the righteous members of our Go Sit in the Corner for Women book club. This season consider the following LDS titles:

The

Devil

Wears Mr. Mac

by
Anonymous

Ever wanted to be a fly on the prophet's wall? The Devil Wears Mr. Mac offers its readers precisely that. Written under the cloak of anonymity, this unexpurgated memoir recalls the experiences of a secretary who worked on the highest level at the Church Office Building. Follow along with "our girl Friday" as she fetches his Postum, schedules his calendar, provides his meals, tends to his wardrobe, and otherwise "inspires" the Lord's mouthpiece. Witness first hand the petty back-biting between the apostles. Learn how they really measure up in the locker room. Experience the backstage drama when Elder Packer's teleprompter fails. See how long President Uchtdorf spends in make-up. And witness the holy hell that breaks loose when the Seer and Revelator misses his pedicure. A must read for the General Authority groupie. 

Mormon Intellectual

by

Milton Pace, PhD

In this intimate memoir, Nobel physicist Milton Pace shares how he remains both a scientist and a believing Mormon thanks to his unshakable faith and burning testimony. He also credits Valium, primal scream therapy, Prozac, a padded cell and a polo mallet.

Paul H. Dunn

the authorized biography

by G. Reginald Durham

Paul H. Dunn, the authorized biography chronicles the true story of the world's most influential and well-connected Mormon. In addition to personal accounts of Elder Dunn's widely known triumphs on the battle and baseball fields, this new and fully annotated biography includes never before told stories about the former General Authority. Readers will be transported to the pre-existence, where Elder Dunn fought on the front lines in the War in Heaven, struck out Satan in the bottom of the ninth, and mingled with all manner of kings and queens, priests and priestesses. They will also glimpse his interactions with a host of LDS characters, including Nephi, Moroni, Ammon, Tom Trails, Johnny Lingo, and Charly. No believing Latter-day Saint should miss out on this amazing piece of work.

MEN ARE FROM

KOLOB

Women are from

Costco

by
Larry R. Martin, MD 

This breakthrough best seller presents the scriptural and scientific reasoning that supports the LDS priesthood holder's God-given right to buy in bulk.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we suggest you try primal scream therapy.