Thanksgiving Etiquette -- Mormon Style

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic

Subject: Holding my own at Thanksgiving

Back in the day, when my family gathered at my parents' house for Thanksgiving, we were all of one mind, one heart, one faith.


But thanks to today's turbulent times, that is no longer the case. 


I confess I have been in denial over this sad truth for some time. Two years ago I simply ignored the Obama sticker on my brother's van, likewise my nephew's "No on Prop. 8" tee shirt. When my youngest sister announced that she had broken off her engagement to pursue an Italian study abroad program, I held my tongue. At the time I didn't want to cause conflict at the dinner table. 


Instead I took the high road by bringing up neutral subjects like Glenn Beck's latest book, my favorite General Conference talks, and the joys of traditional marriage. 


Unfortunately, my inaction only laid the groundwork for a disastrous holiday the following year. 


Convinced that I was somehow "OK" with his extreme views, my brother turned on MSNBC before dinner with the volume high enough for my children to hear. My nephew boasted about his participation in a Pride parade. Worst of all, my youngest sister announced that over her past year in Italy, she had been drinking wine and living with somebody named Lucca, who was neither Mormon nor even her husband!!!


I again took the high road by introducing neutral subjects like the validity of our president's birth certificate, my favorite articles in The Ensign, and the rise of Internet porn.

I can only imagine what she's thinking!

My efforts were of no use. My son now believes that "gay people are happy," and my daughter wants to put off marriage to go to Italy -- not on a mission, not on a See Zion First tour -- but simply to LIVE!!


In order to avoid a similar trap this year, I emailed the following compassionate message to my siblings. Many of you may consider doing the same.


Dear (Loved Ones),


While I respect your agency and love you as individuals, I can no longer allow you to influence my children. This may be difficult for you to understand, but because I have moral values, I am trying to raise righteous children in the one and only true church. Out of respect for me and for my children's eternal salvation, I ask that this year our Thanksgiving dinner conversation be restricted to the following neutral topics: 

The Book of Mormon

President Monson

The good old U S of A

Why fornication is a sin

72 hour kits

Miserable souls who break The Word of Wisdom

The empty lives of female professionals

A cure for homosexuality

Grandma's tatting projects

Satan

How stupid intellectuals are

In spite of everything, I can't wait to see all of you. As usual, I will be bringing my super-yummy green bean and tater-tot souffle, also the maraschino cherry/Cool Whip mousse.  

Love, 

Millie

We can all agree on tatting!

I sent the e-mail last week, and so far have not heard back from anyone, so I take that as a good sign. Wish me luck, brothers and sisters!


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you Millie Loomis's favorite General Conference talks.

Less Active Learns Morality From Kitten

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Teaching the Less Active

Less Actives can be so immoral. Always refusing our efforts to save them. Sometimes we're tempted to just blow them off, leave them to their sinful ways. But here's the thing. No moral person leaves the one and only true church. Consider the shallow reason the Less Active left in the first place. Some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's immoral, and doesn't know what he wants. When he says "I don't agree," I hear "I drink like Yeltsin." When he says "the church isn't true," I hear "I'm into bestiality." When he says "no thank you," I hear, "got any malt liquor?" So when I learned that some Less Actives were heading to Salt Lake City to protest Elder Packer's recent General Conference talk, I thought, call to repentance moment!


The following exchange occurred on one such Less Active's front porch.


Me: Good evening Brother Immoral, I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.

Brother Immoral: Keep your nut loaf and get lost.

Me: I understand you plan to protest Elder Packer's recent conference address.

Brother Immoral: You're darned right I do. Thanks to jerks like him, young LDS gays have committed suicide.


Me: Now, now, Brother Immoral. You mustn't allow some minor personal slight to undermine your testimony.


Brother Immoral: Minor personal slight? F#!k off.


Me: Remember, Elder Packer is an inspired authority.


Brother Immoral: Packer's not inspired, he's an obsessive old kook. All he ever talks about are the evils of masturbation and pornography and oral sex and gay sex and pre-marital sex and sex sex sex! If he had his way, nobody would get laid.


Me: Precisely!  That's because he has only one thing on his mind -- Traditional Marriage.


Brother Immoral: What exactly does your wife put in that nut loaf?


Me: Brother Immoral, may we engage in a thoughtful discussion?

Brother Immoral: I believe I can, yes.


Me: Elder Packer spoke of a little boy in Albuquerque who brought a kitten to school for show and tell.

Brother Immoral: Jesus, not that god-d@#$ed kitten again.

Me: You may remember that the class wanted to know if it was a girl kitty or a boy kitty.


Brother Immoral: I don't give a sh#t about the kitten, Turley.


Me: But you should, Brother Immoral. Because the teacher told the class that it didn't matter what sex the kitten was.


Brother Immoral: It DOESN'T matter, dou%$e-bag.


Me: Then a boy raised his hand and suggested the class vote on whether the kitten was a boy or a girl.


Brother Immoral: Do you understand the problem, Turley? This isn't about kittens, it's about young people committing suicide because their narrow-minded homophobic church leaders refuse to recognize that they're gay. 


Me: Do you understand the moral, Brother Immoral? We can't vote on whether a kitten is male or female. It's not like Congress can pass a bill. The kitten is what God made it.


Brother Immoral: OK. So what if the kitten is gay?


Me: Then the Brethren would veto it.


Brother Immoral: Turley if you're not off my property in thirty seconds I'm calling the cops.


Me: Oh you!


He slams the door. I knock. No response. I bang on the door. No response. I bang on the door and sing out "yoo-hoo" simultaneously. Still no response. 


I creep around the house to the bedroom window. I tap on the glass, then peek through an opening in the drapes. Sister Immoral is removing her brassiere. She screams. Oops! Awkward. 


I return to the front of the house just as a squad car pulls up. Out of respect for the Twelfth Article of Faith, I allow the authorities to escort me from the premises. I congratulate myself on my success and make a mental note to bring extra nut loaf next time -- in case there's a larger police presence.


The Church is true! Amen. 


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you were offended by some minor personal slight, or that you've been drinking too much malt liquor.


  

This Just In: God Blew Up San Bruno

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward and the wonderful people who follow my blog
From: Donna Banta
Subject: God is speaking folks. Are you listening?

Mark and I read the following letter to the editor in yesterday's San Francisco Chronicle:

Divine judgment

First, I pray for those families who suffered in the San Bruno pipeline blast; this is a tragedy that could've been corrected with the right care being applied beforehand.

However, on a more divine level: This blast can be viewed as God's divine judgment upon San Fransicko (sic) for its ultra-leftist and anti-normal way of doing things, and for that sad excuse of a judge who overturned the will of the people in his anti-Proposition 8 ruling.

God is speaking, folks. Are you listening?

Lloyd Marshall Jr., Lockport, N.Y.

This morning Mark faxed this to the editor of the Lockport Union-Sun & Journal

Lockport Union-Sun & Journal
170 East Ave.
Lockport, N.Y. 14094
Main Phone: (716) 439-9222
Newsroom Fax: (716) 439-9239

September 13, 2010

I read with bemusement the following Letter to the Editor in the San Francisco Chronicle this morning, referring to the dreadful explosion last Thursday in San Bruno, a quiet suburb adjacent the San Francisco Airport:

Divine judgment

First, I pray for those families who suffered in the San Bruno pipeline blast; this is a tragedy that could've been corrected with the right care being applied beforehand.

However, on a more divine level: This blast can be viewed as God's divine judgment upon San Fransicko (sic) for its ultra-leftist and anti-normal way of doing things, and for that sad excuse of a judge who overturned the will of the people in his anti-Proposition 8 ruling.

God is speaking, folks. Are you listening?

Lloyd Marshall Jr., Lockport, N.Y.                                                                                    

Mr. Marshall can take some solace, I suppose, in the fact that he is not the first person to condemn San Francisco and San Franciscans for their “anti-normal” behavior.  San Francisco continues to prosper despite the condemnations regularly heaped on the City and its citizens by all sorts of pundits and religious do-gooders.

Shortly after the 1906 earthquake and fire, many clergymen condemned San Francisco, and attributed the earthquake to God’s divine retribution on a city and citizenry completely devoid of morality.  The local poet and wit Charles Kellogg Field responded with the following verse, noting that all the churches were burned down, but that the local distillery was spared the conflagration:

If, as some say, God spanked the town

For being over frisky,

Why did He burn the Churches down

And save Hotaling’s Whiskey?

God save you, Mr. Marshall, and all like-minded bigots.  We love living in San Francisco, and hope to share a pint with you whenever you visit.

Mark S. Banta, San Francisco, CA

Sigh. It never fails. Whenever a tragedy occurs, we can always rely on some narrow-minded "patriot," to offer faint sympathy for the victims, then change the subject to himself and all of the people and things he hates. Wherever they may live.

My dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward. I hope none of you share Mr. Marshall's opinion. However, I'm afraid that many of you do. So, I suggest you consider the words of Charles Kellogg Field. When Sunday rolls around, skip the church and head straight for the bar. Or, if it happens to be Fast Sunday, join the post-mormons at the San Francisco Ferry Building. Steve sets up our bunker next to Peet's Coffee.

I say this for your own safety. Because, as far as I can tell, we "San Fransicko's" won't be changing our anti-normal way of doing things anytime soon.

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President

Subject: September Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,

Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner

for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this September with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

Nephi and Sariah's Excellent Adventure

by

C. Gordon Young, Ph.D

When seventeen year old fraternal twins Nephi and Sariah Price discover a portal in the bottom of their grandpa's potato cellar, they swirl back in time to Book of Mormon days. Armed with only their testimonies and Nephi's Liahona decoder ring, they navigate a maze of wicked kings, stripling warriors, secret combinations, and a few harlots. Will our hero and heroine's Jaredite barge ever resurface? Will they win the tapir-drawn chariot race? Will they ever get through all of Second Nephi? Read this sword-wielding, sling-hurling page turner to find out.

The Mormon Urban Renewal Project

by

Dallin McConkie Smoot Richards II

Two LDS missionaries are sent to the south side of Chicago where they tract out a block that is frequented by crack dealers. The elders compete with the dealers by selling incredibly awesome Rice Krispies Treats they've created by combining their moms' recipes. The crack dealers go broke, the missionaries get rich, and everyone on the block joins the church. Devoting themselves to the gospel, the new members remove their tattoos, listen to Glen Beck, sell Amway, and pledge money to end gay marriage in California. As a result the entire block turns white! They put up picket fences, decorate their yards with garden gnomes, and petition the Chicago zoning office to transform a nearby abandoned school into a Costco Club.

Pride or Paycheck

by

Tisha Sweet

LDS English girl, Elizabeth Smith, is not yet one and twenty, and not in want of a husband. Indeed, nobody at the Hertfordshire Stake Singles' Ball could tempt her. Certainly not that snob from Salt Lake City, Rulon Parmenter. What nerve he has, arriving late, refusing to dance, and flaunting his upper class East Bench accent. Then her friend Charlotte tells her he's a flight attendant for Delta Airlines. Blimey! That's a real job! ... Could it be that Elizabeth has found her Brother Darcy?

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San Francisco Post-Mormons Critique 8: The Mormon Proposition

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Former Stake President Stan Taylor
Subject: My Evening with the post-Mormons

When faced with the choice of attending the post-Mormon gathering at the Ferry Building or the ward Break the Fast, I dutifully chose this:

Later, instead of joining the ex-Mormons at the Round-up Saloon in Lafayette, I opted for the inspired ward fashion show. The result? I missed meeting two of the three Nephites.

(Nephite #2 ended up bailing on the ward fashion show to join the ex-Mormons, and believe me, we still needed his help!)

So when I was invited to last Saturday's post-Mormon screening of 8: The Mormon Proposition, I said, "To Helena with the ward Mop the Meetinghouse Party, I'm hanging with the exmo's tonight!"

Ex-Mormon demonstrates "There's always room for Jell-O"

Have to admit, I was nervous when I knocked on the door. But the gang immediately showed me to a cushy chair, supplied me with a plate of food and a non-alcoholic beer, then resumed their lively exchange. Without going into too much detail, the course of conversation was irreverent, and probably offensive to even the thicker-skinned believing Mormons. Fortunately, I have the hide of an elephant, and enjoyed every minute. I can't remember the last time I felt free to discuss things like science, art, and ancient American history.

Much less engage in loud laughter.

The film was both well-done and heart breaking, enough so to penetrate my old elephant's hide. I confess, I participated in some evil speaking of the Lord's anointed.

Ex-Mormons salute President Monson

There are many infuriating aspects to the Mormon Church's campaign against gay marriage. But as a retired LDS Institute Director, I can't help but look at this from a historical perspective. In the nineteenth century, the Mormons fled to Utah so they could be free to pursue their own definition of marriage. Now the Utah-based LDS Church seeks to impose its current definition of marriage on the entire country, if not the world.

It is no wonder so many wards and stakes are shrinking. Nobody, not even the faithful, want to be associated with such hubris. As the film points out, during the weeks leading up to the 2008 election, backlash against the church was so intense that pro-Prop 8 campaign workers were told not to wear white shirts and ties while canvassing -- so as not to look like Mormons.

Perhaps recent negative reactions from the members and the press will inspire church leaders to alter their message. To emphasize agency rather than obedience, unconditional love rather than punishment. But I'm not betting on it. While I admire those who try, as a former church employee, I know the frustration of attempting to change the church from within.

If history is any guide, the LDS Church won't loosen its grip on the members. Paradoxically, as the Mormons have expanded their influence in the world, they've narrowed their definition of what it means to be one. First the church shunned people who opposed polygamy, later those who practiced it. Since then they have shunned blacks, intellectuals, feminists, and gays. Also people with tattoos, piercings, short skirts, and beards. Today being Mormon means not going to R-rated movies, not drinking a Coke, not masturbating, not having sex outside of marriage (as defined by the church,) and not minding one on one interrogations from church officials on these subjects. If the leaders in Salt Lake continue this trend, they'll have nothing left, except the white shirts and ties.

Lucky for us, there were plenty of left-overs to take home.

Back in the day, when a person left the church, he disappeared, never to be heard from again. That's no longer the case. Ex-Mormons are telling their stories on websites, bulletin boards and blogs. While thin-skinned Mormons continue to claim people who've left were offended or want to sin, the rest of the world sees people who want to think for themselves, live authentic lives, and occasionally have fun.

Today's Puzzle: How many sins is this man committing? Whoever names the most wins a pencil.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you Nephite #2's secret Jell-O recipe.

LDS Less Active Endures "Teaching Moment"

To Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Teaching the Less Active

Less Actives can be so closed-minded. Always refusing our efforts to educate them. Sometimes we're tempted to just blow them off, leave them to their ignorant ways. But here's the thing. Nobody in their right mind leaves the one and only true church. Consider the shallow reason the Less Active left in the first place. Some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's misinformed, and doesn't know what he wants. When he says "I don't agree," I hear "you're right." When he says "the church is based on lies," I hear "the church is true!" When he says "no thank you," I hear "yes please." So when I learned that some Less Actives were angry about the Mormons' campaign for Proposition 8, I thought, teaching moment!

The following exchange occurred in the living room of one such Less Active:

Me: Good evening Brother Misinformed, I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.

Brother Misinformed: I don't want any stupid nut loaf, and you know it. Why are you really here?

Me: I understand you were offended by the church's support of Proposition 8.

Brother Misinformed: You're darned right I was. I think you Mormons are a bunch of homophobes.

Me: Brother Misinformed, may we engage in a thoughtful discussion?

Brother Misinformed: I believe I can, yes.

Me: Excellent. I think that if you open your mind and apply a little logic, you will find that we Mormons are neither homophobic nor prejudiced. In fact, we love our gay brothers and sisters, and welcome them into our fold, so long as they choose to be straight.

Brother Misinformed: Tell me something, Turley. Have you ever met a gay or lesbian?

Me: I've had many gay friends, that is until I discovered they were having sex with members of their own gender. Don't you see? This is why it's crucial that the church step in to defend traditional marriage.

Brother Misinformed: Traditional marriage? Is that what you Mormons call it? Joseph Smith had over thirty wives, Brigham Young, more than fifty. The LDS church calls gay monogamy a sin, but exalts polygamy as an "eternal principle."

Me: I don't know that we teach it.

Brother Misinformed: Plural marriage is alive and well in Section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants, and in your temples.

Me: Oh -- you.

Brother Misinformed: Turley, if this is your idea of a thoughtful discussion, then you're nuttier that your wife's loaf.

Me: I know you are, but what am I?

Brother Misinformed leaps to his feet and tells me to @#$& off. I cover my ears and chant, "I can't hear you." He disappears down the hall. I wait on the couch a few seconds, then creep into the hallway. Two doors, both of them closed. I try the first. Sister Misinformed is stepping out of the shower. She screams. Oops! Awkward.

I try the second door, it's locked. I knock. No response. I bang on the door. No response. I bang on the door and sing out "yoo-hoo" simultaneously. He comes out holding a baseball bat. I quickly back down the hall.

Me: My you are the athlete, are you off hit some softballs?

Brother Misinformed: Maybe I'll whack a couple right now.

I run for the car. As I pull away from the curb I see he is on the porch with his bat. He uses it to knock my wife's nut loaf into the street. I give him a cheery wave, congratulate myself on my success, and make yet another mental note to pick up some body armor.

The Church is true! Amen.



If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we will forward your request to the Stake President, the Brethren, and your mother.

LDS Church Public Affairs Wants YOU!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Members needed for LDS Public Affairs

We Mormons have taken some hits lately. First the Romney presidential campaign drew a barrage of questions that stumped LDS leaders, embarrassed members, and rendered the former governor incapable of composing a straight answer. At the same time, we were persecuted by left-wing extremists who claimed that our inspired leaders in Utah had no business telling Californians whom they could marry. Then Hollywood produced a film that exposed the Mormons as the perpetrators of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. -- This after years of the Church successfully blaming the Indians. Add to that, HBO created the hit show, Big Love, based on the false premise that polygamy has been practiced in Utah, and that the Mormons have had something to do with it.

In the wake of this firestorm of negative and unfair press, the Brethren have humbly and prayerfully discussed how the LDS Church can improve its relations with the non-Mormon community, and soften its image to the public. Their solution? Pass the responsibility on to the members, of course. Hence the creation of the exciting new Church Public Affairs Committee. That's right, brothers and sisters, thanks to your inspired leaders, now every member is a publicist!

President Knightly and I are in the beginning stages of staffing our Stake Public Affairs Council. In the meantime, here are some things each and every one of you can do.

Start with your neighbors.
When you see your neighbor in his front yard, don't just ignore him as usual. Say "hi," make small talk, invite him to your house for a church approved, yet sophisticated beverage. (Fizzy water with a lime wedge is nice, as is an attractive service of herbal tea.) Then steer the conversation to church promoting topics, such as your monogamous marriage, or the King James Version of the Bible. Be aware that non-members make friends differently than members, that is, over a period of time, based on common interests, and with no hidden agenda. Quickly find out what he likes to do, learn to do whatever that is, and don't invite him out to church. (Yet.) Also, next time you borrow his power saw, return it.

Share your talents.

We all received gifts in the Pre-Existence, right? Now is the time to tell the world. Don't worry about developing a real talent. Fortunately today's market no longer requires that. Anything that will land you a spot on reality TV should do the trick, such as singing, dancing, an ability to eat things that turn people's stomachs, or a personality so shallow and vapid that others will find you amusing.

Prepare yourself for interviews with the press.
As we become more visible in society, there will be the inevitable inquiries from the media. In anticipation of this, the church has comprised a list of approved journalists who respect our beliefs, share our values, and are not obsessed with the facts. But even the most sympathetic interviewer may not be able to translate our jargon to a non-member audience. What means one thing to us, may mean an entirely different thing to the world. Memorize the following substitutions:
ward  --  local congregation
bishop  --  local ecclesiastical leader
elder  --  19 year old boy
the Lord's university  --  BYU
the Lord's senator  --  Orrin Hatch
the anti-Christ  --  Secretary Clinton
whiny, bitter ingrates -- former Mormons
truth  --  opinion
revelation  --  opinion
testimony  --  opinion
persecution  --  opinion
apologetics  --  lies
prophet, seer, and revelator  --  chief executive officer
church  --  corporation


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you need a translator.

A Word from the Stake President -- I Understand Your Concerns

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: President Knightly
Subject: Your Concerns

As I said in our emergency meeting last Sunday, I know that the forty-plus members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward who played hooky on Fast (so-called "Superbowl") Sunday did so in part because of some disappointment and confusion over the demands of our faith. For this reason, I invited you to submit questions to me via e-mail. As promised, I have considered your concerns prayerfully and endeavored to answer you with the honesty and respect you deserve.

Dear President Knightly,
I am a gay man. I've tried to change, but it's no use. I feel my only choice is to divorce my wife, leave the Church and live an authentic life. Do you have any suggestions?
  Sincerely, Name Withheld
Dear Brother Name Withheld,
Authenticity is overrated. Consider how it looks. Latter-day Saints are instructed to avoid the appearance of evil, which in your case means posing as a happily married man who pays tithing, attends church, does his home teaching, attends the temple, votes Republican, and biannually impregnates his wife. This is not to say that the LDS Church is homophobic. Your inspired leaders invite you to acknowledge your same-sex attraction, embrace it even. In fact, go ahead and celebrate your gayness. -- But keep it all inside. And for gosh sakes don't try to kiss any of us.

Dear President Knightly,
I am the president of my middle school class, an honor student, a hall monitor, and captain of my girls' field hockey team. But when I turn twelve next month, I won't qualify to pass the sacrament in church, but my twin brother will. Can you explain? It doesn't seem fair to me.
  Thanks in advance for your answer! Missy Compton
Dear Missy,
Because girls get to have babies, and boys don't, and that's not fair.

Dear President Knightly,
Why should I pay tithing to a church that doesn't report its finances?
  Sincerely, Brother Selfish
Dear Brother Selfish,
For your protection, of course! Think about it, do you really want the members of the Elders' Quorum knowing how much tithing you pay? How about your employees, or the IRS, or your estranged wife's divorce attorney? For the good of all, what happens in Salt Lake City should stay in Salt Lake City.

Dear President Knightly,
Much is said over the pulpit about gay men. But what have our priesthood leaders to say to us women who live with same-sex attraction?
  Name Withheld
Dear Sister Name Withheld,
I don't understand your premise.

Dear President Knightly,
I recently read a scholarly work that documented Joseph Smith's plural marriages to underage girls and other men's wives. Why doesn't the Church condemn this despicable chapter in our history?
  Margaret Spencer
Dear Sister Spencer,
I fail to understand why any church member, especially a sweet sister, can waste her time studying and thinking her way out of a testimony. I suggest you put down your book, pick up your needlework, and remember how special your visiting teacher is.

Dear President Knightly,
My doctor suggested I drink green tea to help lower my cholesterol and regulate my bowels. Is it OK to follow his advice?
  Delores Souter
Dear Sister Souter,
Yes. So long as nobody sees you.

Dear President Knightly,
My family left the Mormon Church ten years ago. Is there any way I can get the ward members to quit calling, writing, dropping by, peeking in our windows, and bringing us nut loaf?
  Brother Confused
Dear Brother Confused,
Not really, no.

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I hope this exercise demonstrates how much I truly care for each and every one of you. You had concerns, I listened. You had questions, I answered them. Now it's time for you to do your part. In short, gird your loins, quit your belly-aching, and get your lazy duffs back to church.

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LDS Young Men are Business as Usual

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Craig Smoot, Ward Executive Secretary
Subject: Young Men's Calendar

Because the Young Men's Presidency has again failed to provide me with a calendar by deadline, I will do my best to speculate on this week's activities.

Monday, February 1: Family Home Evening.

Tuesday, February 2, 7PM Bishop Z's house: Window Washing Service Project. Bring wet suits and super-soaker guns.

Wednesday, February 3, 7PM Abbottsville Chapel: Young Men's Night. 7-7:15: Lesson #5: Identifying the Worthy Poor. 7:15-9:00: Basketball.

Thursday, February 4, 7PM Abbottsville Chapel: Whatever.

Friday, February 5, 6PM Abbottsville Chapel: Dinner Dance with the Young Women. Assignment: Show up. On time. Sans B.O.                                                
Saturday, February 6, 10AM Abbottsville State Park: Young Men's Conference. Agenda: the usual, only this time matches are not allowed during the flatulence competition.

Sunday, February 7, 7PM Abbottsville Chapel: Youth Fireside. Brother Homer Samuelson's talk is entitled, Fighting a Tyranny of Tolerance: the Mormons' Crusade against Gay Marriage in California. Bring your righteous indignation.

Announcement: Brad Miller needs volunteers for the Neighborhood Watch Patrol he is conducting for his Eagle Scout Project. Meet at the church this Saturday at 10 PM. Bring night vision goggles, white shoe polish, and an econo-pack of toilet paper.

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LDS Young Women Are Keepin' Busy

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Young Women's Presidency
Subject: Calendar
As always, the Young Women have a super special week ahead!


Monday, February 1: Family Home Evening


Tuesday, February 2: Bridal Dress-up at Abbottsville Formal Wear.

Extra padding provided for the Beehives. Mia Maids may opt to try on a prim prom dress in addition to a wedding gown. Laurels will receive a free bridal fitting. Modest bridesmaid's dresses will also be on display. Each girl will take home a fancy satin wedding dress hanger.   




Wednesday, February 3, 7 PM: Young Women's Night.
Lessons planned as follows:
Beehives: "Avoid All Loud Laughter." Girls will practice quiet tittering.
Mia Maids: "Self-Reliance Part II." Learn how to turn your glue gun into a money-maker.
Laurels: "What I Really Want for Graduation." Breast implants or a car, which will take me where I need to go?

Thursday, February 4, 7 PM: Finger Puppet Fun. 


Friday, February 5, 6 PM: Dinner Dance with the Young Men.
Assignments as follows:
Beehives: Prepare lasagna, jell-o and grated carrot salad, garlic bread, and Sister Loomis's super yummy Cool Whip and Nilla Wafer Cake for fifty people.

Mia Maids: Decorate the Cultural Hall with crepe paper and balloons. Suspend the mirrored disco ball from the ceiling. Set tables with calligraphy place cards and homemade graham cracker temple centerpieces. Serve the meal, deliver an a capella performance for dinner entertainment, then do the dishes.   
Laurels: Rewire the stage electrical system so that it can accommodate the ward's new speakers. Install them and all other stereo equipment. Hire a DJ. Construct a small platform for the karaoke competition. At the end of the evening, dissemble and store everything, including the disco ball. Deliver the crepe paper and balloons to the recycle.


Saturday, February 6, 10 AM: Young Women's Retreat.
Young Women may choose between the following:
Instant Milk and Dehydrated Chicken Bits: Super yummy recipes using your mom's food storage.
Sew Fun!: Make your own "Modest is Hottest" swimsuit cover-up.

What Flavor Man Do You Fancy? A popsicle activity.


Testimony bearing at the conclusion of the seminars. Bring the hankies we embroidered last week.


Sunday, February 7, 7 PM. Youth Fireside.
Brother Homer Samuelson's talk is entitled, "Fighting a Tyranny of Tolerance: the Mormons' Crusade Against Gay Marriage in California." Bring more hankies.


This week's recipe was contributed by twelve year old Esther Renfro of the Beehive Class:

Dirt

Make chocolate instant pudding.

Mix in gummy worms and arrange attractively in a special bowl.

Cover with crushed Oreos and refrigerate.

Yum!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll instruct the Beehive class to bring you a super yummy dessert along with a special craft every night this week.