To Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Teaching the Less Active
Less Actives can be so closed-minded. Always refusing our efforts to educate them. Sometimes we're tempted to just blow them off, leave them to their ignorant ways. But here's the thing. Nobody in their right mind leaves the one and only true church. Consider the shallow reason the Less Active left in the first place. Some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's misinformed, and doesn't know what he wants. When he says "I don't agree," I hear "you're right." When he says "the church is based on lies," I hear "the church is true!" When he says "no thank you," I hear "yes please." So when I learned that some Less Actives were angry about the Mormons' campaign for Proposition 8, I thought, teaching moment!
The following exchange occurred in the living room of one such Less Active:
Me: Good evening Brother Misinformed, I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.
Brother Misinformed: I don't want any stupid nut loaf, and you know it. Why are you really here?
Me: I understand you were offended by the church's support of Proposition 8.
Brother Misinformed: You're darned right I was. I think you Mormons are a bunch of homophobes.
Me: Brother Misinformed, may we engage in a thoughtful discussion?
Brother Misinformed: I believe I can, yes.
Me: Excellent. I think that if you open your mind and apply a little logic, you will find that we Mormons are neither homophobic nor prejudiced. In fact, we love our gay brothers and sisters, and welcome them into our fold, so long as they choose to be straight.
Brother Misinformed: Tell me something, Turley. Have you ever met a gay or lesbian?
Me: I've had many gay friends, that is until I discovered they were having sex with members of their own gender. Don't you see? This is why it's crucial that the church step in to defend traditional marriage.
Brother Misinformed: Traditional marriage? Is that what you Mormons call it? Joseph Smith had over thirty wives, Brigham Young, more than fifty. The LDS church calls gay monogamy a sin, but exalts polygamy as an "eternal principle."
Me: I don't know that we teach it.
Brother Misinformed: Plural marriage is alive and well in Section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants, and in your temples.
Me: Oh -- you.
Brother Misinformed: Turley, if this is your idea of a thoughtful discussion, then you're nuttier that your wife's loaf.
Me: I know you are, but what am I?
Brother Misinformed leaps to his feet and tells me to @#$& off. I cover my ears and chant, "I can't hear you." He disappears down the hall. I wait on the couch a few seconds, then creep into the hallway. Two doors, both of them closed. I try the first. Sister Misinformed is stepping out of the shower. She screams. Oops! Awkward.
I try the second door, it's locked. I knock. No response. I bang on the door. No response. I bang on the door and sing out "yoo-hoo" simultaneously. He comes out holding a baseball bat. I quickly back down the hall.
Me: My you are the athlete, are you off hit some softballs?
Brother Misinformed: Maybe I'll whack a couple right now.
I run for the car. As I pull away from the curb I see he is on the porch with his bat. He uses it to knock my wife's nut loaf into the street. I give him a cheery wave, congratulate myself on my success, and make yet another mental note to pick up some body armor.
The Church is true! Amen.
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we will forward your request to the Stake President, the Brethren, and your mother.
Showing posts with label Less Actives. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Less Actives. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
Ho Ho Ho! Now Pay Your Tithing
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: The blessings of tithing
Less Actives can be so selfish. Always carping about tithing. Claiming it's too expensive and they can't afford it, even inventing delusional complaints about church finances. Some pay only five percent, some none at all. At times we're tempted to leave them to their sinful choice. After all it's theirs to make. But here's the thing. No investment is more important than Heavenly Father's tithe. Consider how the Less Active squanders the Lord's due: designer clothes, sports cars, and boozy marathons in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's selfish, and in need of spiritual repair. So when I learned that a number of Less Actives have yet to sign up for tithing settlement, I thought, it's a cry for help.
The following exchange occurred in the living room of one such Less Active:
Me: Good evening Brother Selfish. I've brought my wife's famous nut loaf.
I set the gift on his coffee table.
Brother Selfish: You didn't come here to give me nut loaf. You want me to pony up the dough, and if I refuse, the bishop won't let me in the temple for my only daughter's wedding. It's blackmail, that's what it is.
Me: Oh you! I would never suggest such a thing. I merely want to testify of the many ways paying a full tithe can bless your life.
Brother Selfish: Like losing my house? That's what'll happen if I don't make the mortgage this month.
Me: Brother Selfish, you need to have more faith. The Lord will provide. In the mean time, the ward can put you up at the Pine Cone Motel.
Brother Selfish: I don't want to stay in that dump.
Me: But Brother, the church picked it up for a song. We're renovating it to house members in need. A boy from the third ward has taken it on as his Eagle Scout project.
Brother Selfish: Great. And what am I supposed to eat?
I nudge the nut loaf in his direction. He rolls his eyes.
Brother Selfish: I'm also behind on my taxes. If I don't pay them now, I could go to prison.
Me: This is serious indeed. But look on the bright side. It would solve your housing problem. And in the final analysis, which would you prefer -- federal prison or Spirit Prison? Anyway, aren't you bothered by the way the government wastes your money?
Brother Selfish: At least I know how it wastes it. I've no idea what the LDS Church does with my tithing, it doesn't report its finances.
Me: You expect the Lord to report His finances? Would you expect Him to report when He plans the next earthquake, flood, or heat wave?
Brother Selfish: No. I just want to know what He does with my money.
Me: Why you're implying that you don't trust the Lord. That you don't trust His church. That you think Joseph Smith made the whole thing up. That the LDS Church is a big fraud that promises eternal life in exchange for bilking people out of their savings. Like one of those miracle skin creams.
Brother Selfish: You mean the kind those young, perky people sell door to door?
Me: Exactly!
I set the tithing envelope on the table next to the nut loaf.
Brother Selfish: I know one thing the church is doing with my money. They're tearing down historic structures to build that ostentatious commercial mecca next to temple square in Salt Lake.
Me: Isn't it marvelous! The City Creek development will include shopping, theaters, restaurants and condominiums. Everything to make our church headquarters the shining beacon it has become.
Brother Selfish: Uh-huh. So if I pay my tithing, do I get a discount at the mall?
I burst out laughing. He falls silent.
Me: Only the mall in heaven.
I laugh a little more, sober then meet his eyes. My heart brims with compassion.
Me: I understand your only daughter is set to marry in the Oakland temple this spring.
Brother Selfish: Why you miserable @#$%ing little piece of $*^%.
He pulls his checkbook from his pocket. I supply him with a pen.
Me: Don't forget to include ten percent of Sister Selfish's income.
Brother Selfish: She died last May.
Me: Which was within the Lord's fiscal year. Wouldn't want her waiting outside the pearly gates, postage due.
Brother Selfish: Don't push it, ^%$-face.
He signs the check then sends it kiting across the room. I grab for it once, twice, then finally nab it before it floats behind the couch.
Me: Have a happy New Year.
Brother Selfish: Get the ^%$ out of my house.
I sing a cheery too-da-loo and march triumphantly through the door. It slams behind me.
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, take it up with Brother Turley when he visits.
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: The blessings of tithing
Less Actives can be so selfish. Always carping about tithing. Claiming it's too expensive and they can't afford it, even inventing delusional complaints about church finances. Some pay only five percent, some none at all. At times we're tempted to leave them to their sinful choice. After all it's theirs to make. But here's the thing. No investment is more important than Heavenly Father's tithe. Consider how the Less Active squanders the Lord's due: designer clothes, sports cars, and boozy marathons in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's selfish, and in need of spiritual repair. So when I learned that a number of Less Actives have yet to sign up for tithing settlement, I thought, it's a cry for help.
The following exchange occurred in the living room of one such Less Active:
Me: Good evening Brother Selfish. I've brought my wife's famous nut loaf.
I set the gift on his coffee table.
Brother Selfish: You didn't come here to give me nut loaf. You want me to pony up the dough, and if I refuse, the bishop won't let me in the temple for my only daughter's wedding. It's blackmail, that's what it is.
Me: Oh you! I would never suggest such a thing. I merely want to testify of the many ways paying a full tithe can bless your life.
Brother Selfish: Like losing my house? That's what'll happen if I don't make the mortgage this month.
Me: Brother Selfish, you need to have more faith. The Lord will provide. In the mean time, the ward can put you up at the Pine Cone Motel.
Brother Selfish: I don't want to stay in that dump.
Me: But Brother, the church picked it up for a song. We're renovating it to house members in need. A boy from the third ward has taken it on as his Eagle Scout project.
Brother Selfish: Great. And what am I supposed to eat?
I nudge the nut loaf in his direction. He rolls his eyes.
Brother Selfish: I'm also behind on my taxes. If I don't pay them now, I could go to prison.
Me: This is serious indeed. But look on the bright side. It would solve your housing problem. And in the final analysis, which would you prefer -- federal prison or Spirit Prison? Anyway, aren't you bothered by the way the government wastes your money?
Brother Selfish: At least I know how it wastes it. I've no idea what the LDS Church does with my tithing, it doesn't report its finances.
Me: You expect the Lord to report His finances? Would you expect Him to report when He plans the next earthquake, flood, or heat wave?
Brother Selfish: No. I just want to know what He does with my money.
Me: Why you're implying that you don't trust the Lord. That you don't trust His church. That you think Joseph Smith made the whole thing up. That the LDS Church is a big fraud that promises eternal life in exchange for bilking people out of their savings. Like one of those miracle skin creams.
Brother Selfish: You mean the kind those young, perky people sell door to door?
Me: Exactly!
I set the tithing envelope on the table next to the nut loaf.
Brother Selfish: I know one thing the church is doing with my money. They're tearing down historic structures to build that ostentatious commercial mecca next to temple square in Salt Lake.
Me: Isn't it marvelous! The City Creek development will include shopping, theaters, restaurants and condominiums. Everything to make our church headquarters the shining beacon it has become.
Brother Selfish: Uh-huh. So if I pay my tithing, do I get a discount at the mall?
I burst out laughing. He falls silent.
Me: Only the mall in heaven.
I laugh a little more, sober then meet his eyes. My heart brims with compassion.
Me: I understand your only daughter is set to marry in the Oakland temple this spring.
Brother Selfish: Why you miserable @#$%ing little piece of $*^%.
He pulls his checkbook from his pocket. I supply him with a pen.
Me: Don't forget to include ten percent of Sister Selfish's income.
Brother Selfish: She died last May.
Me: Which was within the Lord's fiscal year. Wouldn't want her waiting outside the pearly gates, postage due.
Brother Selfish: Don't push it, ^%$-face.
He signs the check then sends it kiting across the room. I grab for it once, twice, then finally nab it before it floats behind the couch.
Me: Have a happy New Year.
Brother Selfish: Get the ^%$ out of my house.
I sing a cheery too-da-loo and march triumphantly through the door. It slams behind me.
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, take it up with Brother Turley when he visits.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
LDS Missionary Work
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Dealing with Less Actives.
Less Actives can be so touchy. Always refusing our efforts to fellowship. Sometimes their protests are so violent, we're tempted to just blow them off, leave them to their sinful ways. But here's the thing. Nobody really wants to leave the one and only true church. Consider the shallow reason the Less Active left in the first place. Some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's confused, and doesn't know what he means. When he says "leave me alone," I hear "come back soon." When he says "I don't want to go to church," I hear "I miss it so much!" When he says "no thank you," I hear, "yes please." So when I learned that some Less Actives were blocking our ward e-mails, I thought, it's a cry for help.
The following exchange occurred on the doorstep of one such Less Active:
Me: Good evening, Brother Confused, may I come in? I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.
Brother Confused: No you may not come in and I don't want any stupid nut loaf.
Me: OK, we'll talk here. The ward is no longer able to send e-mails to your address. Has it changed?
Brother Confused: I've blocked your e-mails. Go away.
He shuts the door. I knock. No response. I ring the bell. No response. I lay on the bell. No response. I lay on the bell, knock and sing out "yoo-hoo" simultaneously. He opens the door, this time only as far as the chain lock allows.
Brother Confused: Get the #$%& off my porch.
Me: How 'bout the nut loaf?
Brother Confused: Take your $%&# nut loaf and stick it up your @#$&ing $%&.
Me: Actually I prefer herbal enemas.
Brother Confused: Get the #$%& off my property before I #$%&ing throw you off.
Me: Oh -- you!
He shuts the door. I wait on the porch for a few seconds, then creep around the side of the house. I hear a sound coming from a high window. I use a tree branch to boost myself to the sill, then peek through the pane. Sister Confused is soaking in the tub. She screams. Oops! awkward. I run back to the front porch. Brother Confused bursts out with his shotgun.
Me: I see you're a hunter. We'll invite you to our next ward turkey shoot.
Brother Confused: Maybe I'll shoot one now.
He aims the barrel at my chest.
Me: My you are a marksman. As you know we Mormons are strong supporters of the Second Amendment.
I raise both hands and back up quickly. As I pull away from the curb I see he is still on the porch with the gun. I give him a cheery wave, congratulate myself on my success, and make a mental note to pick up some body armor.
The Church is true! Amen
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we will forward your request to the Stake President, the Salt Lake General Authorities, and your mother.
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Dealing with Less Actives.
Less Actives can be so touchy. Always refusing our efforts to fellowship. Sometimes their protests are so violent, we're tempted to just blow them off, leave them to their sinful ways. But here's the thing. Nobody really wants to leave the one and only true church. Consider the shallow reason the Less Active left in the first place. Some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's confused, and doesn't know what he means. When he says "leave me alone," I hear "come back soon." When he says "I don't want to go to church," I hear "I miss it so much!" When he says "no thank you," I hear, "yes please." So when I learned that some Less Actives were blocking our ward e-mails, I thought, it's a cry for help.
The following exchange occurred on the doorstep of one such Less Active:
Me: Good evening, Brother Confused, may I come in? I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.
Brother Confused: No you may not come in and I don't want any stupid nut loaf.
Me: OK, we'll talk here. The ward is no longer able to send e-mails to your address. Has it changed?
Brother Confused: I've blocked your e-mails. Go away.
He shuts the door. I knock. No response. I ring the bell. No response. I lay on the bell. No response. I lay on the bell, knock and sing out "yoo-hoo" simultaneously. He opens the door, this time only as far as the chain lock allows.
Brother Confused: Get the #$%& off my porch.
Me: How 'bout the nut loaf?
Brother Confused: Take your $%&# nut loaf and stick it up your @#$&ing $%&.
Me: Actually I prefer herbal enemas.
Brother Confused: Get the #$%& off my property before I #$%&ing throw you off.
Me: Oh -- you!
He shuts the door. I wait on the porch for a few seconds, then creep around the side of the house. I hear a sound coming from a high window. I use a tree branch to boost myself to the sill, then peek through the pane. Sister Confused is soaking in the tub. She screams. Oops! awkward. I run back to the front porch. Brother Confused bursts out with his shotgun.
Me: I see you're a hunter. We'll invite you to our next ward turkey shoot.
Brother Confused: Maybe I'll shoot one now.
He aims the barrel at my chest.
Me: My you are a marksman. As you know we Mormons are strong supporters of the Second Amendment.
I raise both hands and back up quickly. As I pull away from the curb I see he is still on the porch with the gun. I give him a cheery wave, congratulate myself on my success, and make a mental note to pick up some body armor.
The Church is true! Amen
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we will forward your request to the Stake President, the Salt Lake General Authorities, and your mother.
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