A Word from the Stake President -- I Understand Your Concerns

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: President Knightly
Subject: Your Concerns

As I said in our emergency meeting last Sunday, I know that the forty-plus members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward who played hooky on Fast (so-called "Superbowl") Sunday did so in part because of some disappointment and confusion over the demands of our faith. For this reason, I invited you to submit questions to me via e-mail. As promised, I have considered your concerns prayerfully and endeavored to answer you with the honesty and respect you deserve.

Dear President Knightly,
I am a gay man. I've tried to change, but it's no use. I feel my only choice is to divorce my wife, leave the Church and live an authentic life. Do you have any suggestions?
  Sincerely, Name Withheld
Dear Brother Name Withheld,
Authenticity is overrated. Consider how it looks. Latter-day Saints are instructed to avoid the appearance of evil, which in your case means posing as a happily married man who pays tithing, attends church, does his home teaching, attends the temple, votes Republican, and biannually impregnates his wife. This is not to say that the LDS Church is homophobic. Your inspired leaders invite you to acknowledge your same-sex attraction, embrace it even. In fact, go ahead and celebrate your gayness. -- But keep it all inside. And for gosh sakes don't try to kiss any of us.

Dear President Knightly,
I am the president of my middle school class, an honor student, a hall monitor, and captain of my girls' field hockey team. But when I turn twelve next month, I won't qualify to pass the sacrament in church, but my twin brother will. Can you explain? It doesn't seem fair to me.
  Thanks in advance for your answer! Missy Compton
Dear Missy,
Because girls get to have babies, and boys don't, and that's not fair.

Dear President Knightly,
Why should I pay tithing to a church that doesn't report its finances?
  Sincerely, Brother Selfish
Dear Brother Selfish,
For your protection, of course! Think about it, do you really want the members of the Elders' Quorum knowing how much tithing you pay? How about your employees, or the IRS, or your estranged wife's divorce attorney? For the good of all, what happens in Salt Lake City should stay in Salt Lake City.

Dear President Knightly,
Much is said over the pulpit about gay men. But what have our priesthood leaders to say to us women who live with same-sex attraction?
  Name Withheld
Dear Sister Name Withheld,
I don't understand your premise.

Dear President Knightly,
I recently read a scholarly work that documented Joseph Smith's plural marriages to underage girls and other men's wives. Why doesn't the Church condemn this despicable chapter in our history?
  Margaret Spencer
Dear Sister Spencer,
I fail to understand why any church member, especially a sweet sister, can waste her time studying and thinking her way out of a testimony. I suggest you put down your book, pick up your needlework, and remember how special your visiting teacher is.

Dear President Knightly,
My doctor suggested I drink green tea to help lower my cholesterol and regulate my bowels. Is it OK to follow his advice?
  Delores Souter
Dear Sister Souter,
Yes. So long as nobody sees you.

Dear President Knightly,
My family left the Mormon Church ten years ago. Is there any way I can get the ward members to quit calling, writing, dropping by, peeking in our windows, and bringing us nut loaf?
  Brother Confused
Dear Brother Confused,
Not really, no.

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I hope this exercise demonstrates how much I truly care for each and every one of you. You had concerns, I listened. You had questions, I answered them. Now it's time for you to do your part. In short, gird your loins, quit your belly-aching, and get your lazy duffs back to church.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, check this box.

LDS Missionary Work

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Dealing with Less Actives.

Less Actives can be so touchy. Always refusing our efforts to fellowship. Sometimes their protests are so violent, we're tempted to just blow them off, leave them to their sinful ways. But here's the thing. Nobody really wants to leave the one and only true church. Consider the shallow reason the Less Active left in the first place. Some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's confused, and doesn't know what he means. When he says "leave me alone," I hear "come back soon." When he says "I don't want to go to church," I hear "I miss it so much!" When he says "no thank you," I hear, "yes please." So when I learned that some Less Actives were blocking our ward e-mails, I thought, it's a cry for help.

The following exchange occurred on the doorstep of one such Less Active:

Me: Good evening, Brother Confused, may I come in? I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.

Brother Confused: No you may not come in and I don't want any stupid nut loaf.

Me: OK, we'll talk here. The ward is no longer able to send e-mails to your address. Has it changed?

Brother Confused: I've blocked your e-mails. Go away.

He shuts the door. I knock. No response. I ring the bell. No response. I lay on the bell. No response. I lay on the bell, knock and sing out "yoo-hoo" simultaneously. He opens the door, this time only as far as the chain lock allows.

Brother Confused: Get the #$%& off my porch.

Me: How 'bout the nut loaf?

Brother Confused: Take your $%&# nut loaf and stick it up your @#$&ing $%&.

Me: Actually I prefer herbal enemas.

Brother Confused: Get the #$%& off my property before I #$%&ing throw you off.

Me: Oh -- you!

He shuts the door. I wait on the porch for a few seconds, then creep around the side of the house. I hear a sound coming from a high window. I use a tree branch to boost myself to the sill, then peek through the pane. Sister Confused is soaking in the tub. She screams. Oops! awkward. I run back to the front porch. Brother Confused bursts out with his shotgun.

Me: I see you're a hunter. We'll invite you to our next ward turkey shoot.

Brother Confused: Maybe I'll shoot one now.

He aims the barrel at my chest.

Me: My you are a marksman. As you know we Mormons are strong supporters of the Second Amendment.

I raise both hands and back up quickly. As I pull away from the curb I see he is still on the porch with the gun. I give him a cheery wave, congratulate myself on my success, and make a mental note to pick up some body armor.

The Church is true! Amen

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we will forward your request to the Stake President, the Salt Lake General Authorities, and your mother.