Thanksgiving Etiquette -- Mormon Style

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic

Subject: Holding my own at Thanksgiving

Back in the day, when my family gathered at my parents' house for Thanksgiving, we were all of one mind, one heart, one faith.


But thanks to today's turbulent times, that is no longer the case. 


I confess I have been in denial over this sad truth for some time. Two years ago I simply ignored the Obama sticker on my brother's van, likewise my nephew's "No on Prop. 8" tee shirt. When my youngest sister announced that she had broken off her engagement to pursue an Italian study abroad program, I held my tongue. At the time I didn't want to cause conflict at the dinner table. 


Instead I took the high road by bringing up neutral subjects like Glenn Beck's latest book, my favorite General Conference talks, and the joys of traditional marriage. 


Unfortunately, my inaction only laid the groundwork for a disastrous holiday the following year. 


Convinced that I was somehow "OK" with his extreme views, my brother turned on MSNBC before dinner with the volume high enough for my children to hear. My nephew boasted about his participation in a Pride parade. Worst of all, my youngest sister announced that over her past year in Italy, she had been drinking wine and living with somebody named Lucca, who was neither Mormon nor even her husband!!!


I again took the high road by introducing neutral subjects like the validity of our president's birth certificate, my favorite articles in The Ensign, and the rise of Internet porn.

I can only imagine what she's thinking!

My efforts were of no use. My son now believes that "gay people are happy," and my daughter wants to put off marriage to go to Italy -- not on a mission, not on a See Zion First tour -- but simply to LIVE!!


In order to avoid a similar trap this year, I emailed the following compassionate message to my siblings. Many of you may consider doing the same.


Dear (Loved Ones),


While I respect your agency and love you as individuals, I can no longer allow you to influence my children. This may be difficult for you to understand, but because I have moral values, I am trying to raise righteous children in the one and only true church. Out of respect for me and for my children's eternal salvation, I ask that this year our Thanksgiving dinner conversation be restricted to the following neutral topics: 

The Book of Mormon

President Monson

The good old U S of A

Why fornication is a sin

72 hour kits

Miserable souls who break The Word of Wisdom

The empty lives of female professionals

A cure for homosexuality

Grandma's tatting projects

Satan

How stupid intellectuals are

In spite of everything, I can't wait to see all of you. As usual, I will be bringing my super-yummy green bean and tater-tot souffle, also the maraschino cherry/Cool Whip mousse.  

Love, 

Millie

We can all agree on tatting!

I sent the e-mail last week, and so far have not heard back from anyone, so I take that as a good sign. Wish me luck, brothers and sisters!


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you Millie Loomis's favorite General Conference talks.

Less Active Learns Morality From Kitten

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Teaching the Less Active

Less Actives can be so immoral. Always refusing our efforts to save them. Sometimes we're tempted to just blow them off, leave them to their sinful ways. But here's the thing. No moral person leaves the one and only true church. Consider the shallow reason the Less Active left in the first place. Some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's immoral, and doesn't know what he wants. When he says "I don't agree," I hear "I drink like Yeltsin." When he says "the church isn't true," I hear "I'm into bestiality." When he says "no thank you," I hear, "got any malt liquor?" So when I learned that some Less Actives were heading to Salt Lake City to protest Elder Packer's recent General Conference talk, I thought, call to repentance moment!


The following exchange occurred on one such Less Active's front porch.


Me: Good evening Brother Immoral, I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.

Brother Immoral: Keep your nut loaf and get lost.

Me: I understand you plan to protest Elder Packer's recent conference address.

Brother Immoral: You're darned right I do. Thanks to jerks like him, young LDS gays have committed suicide.


Me: Now, now, Brother Immoral. You mustn't allow some minor personal slight to undermine your testimony.


Brother Immoral: Minor personal slight? F#!k off.


Me: Remember, Elder Packer is an inspired authority.


Brother Immoral: Packer's not inspired, he's an obsessive old kook. All he ever talks about are the evils of masturbation and pornography and oral sex and gay sex and pre-marital sex and sex sex sex! If he had his way, nobody would get laid.


Me: Precisely!  That's because he has only one thing on his mind -- Traditional Marriage.


Brother Immoral: What exactly does your wife put in that nut loaf?


Me: Brother Immoral, may we engage in a thoughtful discussion?

Brother Immoral: I believe I can, yes.


Me: Elder Packer spoke of a little boy in Albuquerque who brought a kitten to school for show and tell.

Brother Immoral: Jesus, not that god-d@#$ed kitten again.

Me: You may remember that the class wanted to know if it was a girl kitty or a boy kitty.


Brother Immoral: I don't give a sh#t about the kitten, Turley.


Me: But you should, Brother Immoral. Because the teacher told the class that it didn't matter what sex the kitten was.


Brother Immoral: It DOESN'T matter, dou%$e-bag.


Me: Then a boy raised his hand and suggested the class vote on whether the kitten was a boy or a girl.


Brother Immoral: Do you understand the problem, Turley? This isn't about kittens, it's about young people committing suicide because their narrow-minded homophobic church leaders refuse to recognize that they're gay. 


Me: Do you understand the moral, Brother Immoral? We can't vote on whether a kitten is male or female. It's not like Congress can pass a bill. The kitten is what God made it.


Brother Immoral: OK. So what if the kitten is gay?


Me: Then the Brethren would veto it.


Brother Immoral: Turley if you're not off my property in thirty seconds I'm calling the cops.


Me: Oh you!


He slams the door. I knock. No response. I bang on the door. No response. I bang on the door and sing out "yoo-hoo" simultaneously. Still no response. 


I creep around the house to the bedroom window. I tap on the glass, then peek through an opening in the drapes. Sister Immoral is removing her brassiere. She screams. Oops! Awkward. 


I return to the front of the house just as a squad car pulls up. Out of respect for the Twelfth Article of Faith, I allow the authorities to escort me from the premises. I congratulate myself on my success and make a mental note to bring extra nut loaf next time -- in case there's a larger police presence.


The Church is true! Amen. 


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you were offended by some minor personal slight, or that you've been drinking too much malt liquor.


  

San Francisco Post-Mormons Critique 8: The Mormon Proposition

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Former Stake President Stan Taylor
Subject: My Evening with the post-Mormons

When faced with the choice of attending the post-Mormon gathering at the Ferry Building or the ward Break the Fast, I dutifully chose this:

Later, instead of joining the ex-Mormons at the Round-up Saloon in Lafayette, I opted for the inspired ward fashion show. The result? I missed meeting two of the three Nephites.

(Nephite #2 ended up bailing on the ward fashion show to join the ex-Mormons, and believe me, we still needed his help!)

So when I was invited to last Saturday's post-Mormon screening of 8: The Mormon Proposition, I said, "To Helena with the ward Mop the Meetinghouse Party, I'm hanging with the exmo's tonight!"

Ex-Mormon demonstrates "There's always room for Jell-O"

Have to admit, I was nervous when I knocked on the door. But the gang immediately showed me to a cushy chair, supplied me with a plate of food and a non-alcoholic beer, then resumed their lively exchange. Without going into too much detail, the course of conversation was irreverent, and probably offensive to even the thicker-skinned believing Mormons. Fortunately, I have the hide of an elephant, and enjoyed every minute. I can't remember the last time I felt free to discuss things like science, art, and ancient American history.

Much less engage in loud laughter.

The film was both well-done and heart breaking, enough so to penetrate my old elephant's hide. I confess, I participated in some evil speaking of the Lord's anointed.

Ex-Mormons salute President Monson

There are many infuriating aspects to the Mormon Church's campaign against gay marriage. But as a retired LDS Institute Director, I can't help but look at this from a historical perspective. In the nineteenth century, the Mormons fled to Utah so they could be free to pursue their own definition of marriage. Now the Utah-based LDS Church seeks to impose its current definition of marriage on the entire country, if not the world.

It is no wonder so many wards and stakes are shrinking. Nobody, not even the faithful, want to be associated with such hubris. As the film points out, during the weeks leading up to the 2008 election, backlash against the church was so intense that pro-Prop 8 campaign workers were told not to wear white shirts and ties while canvassing -- so as not to look like Mormons.

Perhaps recent negative reactions from the members and the press will inspire church leaders to alter their message. To emphasize agency rather than obedience, unconditional love rather than punishment. But I'm not betting on it. While I admire those who try, as a former church employee, I know the frustration of attempting to change the church from within.

If history is any guide, the LDS Church won't loosen its grip on the members. Paradoxically, as the Mormons have expanded their influence in the world, they've narrowed their definition of what it means to be one. First the church shunned people who opposed polygamy, later those who practiced it. Since then they have shunned blacks, intellectuals, feminists, and gays. Also people with tattoos, piercings, short skirts, and beards. Today being Mormon means not going to R-rated movies, not drinking a Coke, not masturbating, not having sex outside of marriage (as defined by the church,) and not minding one on one interrogations from church officials on these subjects. If the leaders in Salt Lake continue this trend, they'll have nothing left, except the white shirts and ties.

Lucky for us, there were plenty of left-overs to take home.

Back in the day, when a person left the church, he disappeared, never to be heard from again. That's no longer the case. Ex-Mormons are telling their stories on websites, bulletin boards and blogs. While thin-skinned Mormons continue to claim people who've left were offended or want to sin, the rest of the world sees people who want to think for themselves, live authentic lives, and occasionally have fun.

Today's Puzzle: How many sins is this man committing? Whoever names the most wins a pencil.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you Nephite #2's secret Jell-O recipe.

LDS Stake Single Adults Have Some 'Splaining To Do!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Temporary suspension of the Stake Single Adults program

In light of recent events, I have decided to suspend all activities until I can be assured that your excellent Single Adults Leader, Ricky Foote, will be treated with the dignity, respect, and appreciation he deserves. I understand that he is young enough to be your son, and, in fact, that one of you is his actual mother. But, as I've said before, what Ricky lacks in age, he makes up for in inspired wisdom and priesthood authority. And he is devoted to you, the brothers and sisters he looked up to as a child. He wants nothing more than to find a sweetheart for his old principal, an eternal companion for his former pediatrician, and for himself, a new step-dad. None of you should consider yourselves on par with Ricky Foote. If you were, you would be married.

As always, I am willing to listen. In the coming weeks, I will be meeting with you individually to discuss your concerns, as well as your responses to The Official Worthiness Questionnaire. Here are a few thoughts for now.

Dear Sisters,
You have e-mailed me the following:

"I'm a working mom and don't have time to decorate cars with unscrewed Oreos."

"I am happy with my life and career, and don't need to go out looking for love."

"Isn't it enough that I go to church with the a$$holes on Sunday? Must I marry one too?"

"There is no place for a single woman in the LDS faith."

The first three complaints demonstrate a serious lack of respect for the Lord's anointed, and will be better dealt with in the upcoming one on one interviews. However, I am prepared to address the final concern at present.

There is a place for single women in our faith. But it is up to you to take it! The Abbottsville Stake offers countless opportunities for you to proudly assume your divine roll. Look around. There's the ward nursery, the understocked church freezers, the interior of the Turley's Suburban, and, thanks to the Brethren's inspired decision to lay off the janitors, the ward toilets.

I call on all single sisters to tend to your duties. You may begin by removing the pudding stains from Ricky Foote's dress suit.

ATTENTION SISTERS! THE FOLLOWING IS FOR PRIESTHOOD HOLDERS ONLY!

Dear Brethren,

I feel I must take a stronger tone with you. The sisters have something of an excuse, as the priesthood has the responsibility of making the first move. So, I must ask, what the devil are you waiting for?

Brigham Young said that a single man over twenty-five is a menace to society.

In light of that knowledge, I am confused by the e-mails I have received from some of you:

"I don't want a wife or kids, and I don't have time to clean out the Turley's Suburban."

"As a 55 year old nuclear physicist, I've no interest in participating in a 'no hands pudding eating contest.'"

"I'm gay."

"The single women in the stake are either too fat, too ugly, or too bossy to go out with."

I am prepared to dismiss all but the final of these flimsy excuses.

Well of course they are. What did you expect?

If you'd been responsible, and married within six months of returning home from your mission, you'd have gotten that cute little sweet spirit before she had time to work or get fat or be educated. But you didn't did you? And you've only yourselves to blame.

Now forget the past and move onto the present. Let me point out that those cute little sweet spirits don't always stay cute. (Checked out Sister Turley lately?) Nor do they always stay sweet. (Margaret Spencer, for example.) The fact is, a lot of us married guys don't have it so great either. But we do have one advantage over you singles. That is, as married brethren, we are destined for the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom, where the eternal doctrine of plural marriage will be restored.

So I beg you, brethren, to take another look at those single sisters. Some of them aren't half bad. Plus marrying one in this life will ensure you all of these in the next:

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, the Turley Family will drop over Sunday morning to drive you to church in their Suburban.

A Word from the Stake President -- I Understand Your Concerns

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: President Knightly
Subject: Your Concerns

As I said in our emergency meeting last Sunday, I know that the forty-plus members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward who played hooky on Fast (so-called "Superbowl") Sunday did so in part because of some disappointment and confusion over the demands of our faith. For this reason, I invited you to submit questions to me via e-mail. As promised, I have considered your concerns prayerfully and endeavored to answer you with the honesty and respect you deserve.

Dear President Knightly,
I am a gay man. I've tried to change, but it's no use. I feel my only choice is to divorce my wife, leave the Church and live an authentic life. Do you have any suggestions?
  Sincerely, Name Withheld
Dear Brother Name Withheld,
Authenticity is overrated. Consider how it looks. Latter-day Saints are instructed to avoid the appearance of evil, which in your case means posing as a happily married man who pays tithing, attends church, does his home teaching, attends the temple, votes Republican, and biannually impregnates his wife. This is not to say that the LDS Church is homophobic. Your inspired leaders invite you to acknowledge your same-sex attraction, embrace it even. In fact, go ahead and celebrate your gayness. -- But keep it all inside. And for gosh sakes don't try to kiss any of us.

Dear President Knightly,
I am the president of my middle school class, an honor student, a hall monitor, and captain of my girls' field hockey team. But when I turn twelve next month, I won't qualify to pass the sacrament in church, but my twin brother will. Can you explain? It doesn't seem fair to me.
  Thanks in advance for your answer! Missy Compton
Dear Missy,
Because girls get to have babies, and boys don't, and that's not fair.

Dear President Knightly,
Why should I pay tithing to a church that doesn't report its finances?
  Sincerely, Brother Selfish
Dear Brother Selfish,
For your protection, of course! Think about it, do you really want the members of the Elders' Quorum knowing how much tithing you pay? How about your employees, or the IRS, or your estranged wife's divorce attorney? For the good of all, what happens in Salt Lake City should stay in Salt Lake City.

Dear President Knightly,
Much is said over the pulpit about gay men. But what have our priesthood leaders to say to us women who live with same-sex attraction?
  Name Withheld
Dear Sister Name Withheld,
I don't understand your premise.

Dear President Knightly,
I recently read a scholarly work that documented Joseph Smith's plural marriages to underage girls and other men's wives. Why doesn't the Church condemn this despicable chapter in our history?
  Margaret Spencer
Dear Sister Spencer,
I fail to understand why any church member, especially a sweet sister, can waste her time studying and thinking her way out of a testimony. I suggest you put down your book, pick up your needlework, and remember how special your visiting teacher is.

Dear President Knightly,
My doctor suggested I drink green tea to help lower my cholesterol and regulate my bowels. Is it OK to follow his advice?
  Delores Souter
Dear Sister Souter,
Yes. So long as nobody sees you.

Dear President Knightly,
My family left the Mormon Church ten years ago. Is there any way I can get the ward members to quit calling, writing, dropping by, peeking in our windows, and bringing us nut loaf?
  Brother Confused
Dear Brother Confused,
Not really, no.

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I hope this exercise demonstrates how much I truly care for each and every one of you. You had concerns, I listened. You had questions, I answered them. Now it's time for you to do your part. In short, gird your loins, quit your belly-aching, and get your lazy duffs back to church.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, check this box.