Abbottsville Mormons Ring in the New Year!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: New Year's party and resolutions

Because New Year's Day falls on a Sunday this year, we expect everyone to be in church first thing in the morning. In order to facilitate this, we ask all members of the Abbottsville Stake to set their clocks ahead 3 hours on December 31. That way we can have the annual New Year's Eve party until "midnight" and still get up for church the next day.

We'll party on the eve just like those sinful non-members do in Manhattan. Only it will be better because instead of drinking and reveling until dawn in Times Square, we'll be sitting in the stake center cultural hall. Both feet on the floor. Stone cold sober. Until the stroke of "midnight."

Also, don't forget it's resolution time! Here are a few of the suggestions released by the church correlation committee.

1. Stay out of debt.
2. Pay a full tithing.
3. Get married.
4. Finish you education.
5. Start having children.
6. Use your time wisely.
7. Attend the temple.
8. Read the Book of Mormon.
9. Have more children.
10. Stop questioning.
11. Spend money wisely.
12. Quit your job and be a stay at home mom.
13. Give like the little stream.
14. Magnify your calling.
15. Wear your garments day and night.
16. Get a new look and take up cool sport like skateboarding so you can star in an "And I'm a Mormon" advertisement.
17. Repent.
18. Find joy in living the Gospel.
19. Avoid all loud laughter.
20. Know the church is true with every fiber of your being.
21. Stop being gay.
22. Use cracked wheat in creative ways.
23. Have more children.
24. Read the Book of Mormon again.
25. Vote Republican.
26. Stop looking at porn.
27. Admit you look at porn.
28. Plant forget-me-nots.
29. Stop having too much fun.
30. Have more children.

-- A full list of approved resolutions has been condensed into a 175MB PDF file and can be downloaded off the church website.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume it's because you're looking at porn, because, let's face it, you probably are.

Guidelines For The Future LDS Father-In-Law

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Advice to future fathers-in-law

One of the most important and special moments in a father's life is when he sits down with his future son-in-law for a heart to heart about that little girl they both love. Recently a prestigious on-line magazine addressed this topic with a list of discussion points and red flags for today's concerned patriarch. I have copied their author's list below along with some additions of my own, based on my years of conducting intimate and lengthy one on one interviews with literally hundreds of young men. Trust me Brethren, they're all the same -- as are we.

ESSENTIAL QUESTIONS A FATHER SHOULD ASK HIS FUTURE SON-IN-LAW

Begin with a prayer to Heavenly Father that He might bless you with the understanding and tact necessary for such a delicate conversation, then launch into the following Discussion Points:

• How do you intend to support my daughter?
• Did you choose that career because it will allow you free access to porn?
• What does your father do?
• What kind of kinky stuff is he into?
• Is your mother a stay at home mom?
• Ever catch her reading dirty stories while the kids are napping?
• What about your siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins -- any of them like nookie?
• Do you attend church regularly?
• How much time do you spend in the ward men's room?
• Did you serve a full time mission?
• Ever fantasize about your mission companions naked?
• How do you define porn?
• And were you thinking about my daughter when you answered that question?
• How have you recovered from your porn addiction?
• Who helped you recover?
• How do you manage to control yourself now?

As the conversation progresses, keep an eye out for these Red Flags:

• He admits that he used to look at porn, has stopped doing it, but fails to explain how.
• He claims he overcame the problem all by himself.
• He's never admitted to anyone that he has a problem with porn.
• He's wearing a blue tie.
• He's vague about how he avoids porn.
• He acts defensive and is insulted by your questions.
• He acts overly sincere and emphatic.
• He keeps looking at his watch.
• He's not wearing a watch.
• He appears "too perfect" as if he really isn't a pervert.
• He's staring at you like you're nuts.

At the close of this session, offer a prayer to Heavenly Father that your future son-in-law might repent so that he may eventually be worthy to be part of your eternal family. Then schedule a follow-up interview.

If would like to stop receiving these emails we can't help but wonder what kind of kinky stuff you're into.

My Ex-Mormon Conference Weekend

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: My Conference Weekend

As I hinted in a post last month, I don't like looking at a sea of blue suits and white dress shirts, listening to bullshit stories about poor schlubs who blow their life savings on temple garments, mixing with old men who seem to know a gazillion people who like to look at porn, taking the advice of people who only want me to pay my tithing, or, in short, being bored out of my fucking mind.

So it was only natural that I passed on the 180th Semi-Annual General Conference of the LDS Church, and caught the Ex-Mormon Foundation Conference instead. It was a good decision.

It opened on Friday night with an awesome open mic that featured many first time attendees, all with fascinating stories to tell.

On Saturday Pamela McCreary inspired us with the story of her journey out of Mormonism and her eventual reconciliation with her believing family.

Jim Whitefield, author of Mormon Delusion, provided us with a spirited and sometimes hilarious expose of LDS doctrine and history.

Then Jeff Sharlet, author of The Family and C Street -- The Fundamentalist Threat to American Democracy, delivered a fascinating account of his investigative reporting of the fundamentalist movement in American politics. He also described his first tour of Temple Square. When he asked a sister missionary in the Visitors' Center about the LDS Church's involvement in legislation against gay marriage, the addled twenty-something avoided the question by turning on a video of Jeffrey R. Holland's recent conference address on -- what else -- INTERNET PORN! Honestly, is there no other subject?


Finally, Tal Bachman addressed the conference again, this time on the dual topics of "life after Mormonism" and "why is Gordon B. Hinckley smiling?" I especially appreciated his observation that we exmos need more than just Darwin to sustain us. We also need a community and a passion to replace what used to be our faith.

Speaking of community, there is none better than the attendees of the Ex-Mormon Conference. I had the pleasure of meeting the above speakers, Post-Mormon founder Jeff Ricks, Eric Davis, Cludgie, and the amazing Insana D. I also reconnected with Ms. Mom and Dr. Dad, Larry and Mikki, Jerry and Cheryl, The Brother of Jerry, Wine Country Girl, and a whole bunch of other feminists, gays and/or intellectuals, including these characters:

No worries on the drive home with one of the 3 Nephites at my side! 

Thanks to Sue Emmett, Chad Spjut and others for putting together another fantastic party!

View excerpts from the Ex-Mormon conference on The Iron Rod.

Less Active Learns Morality From Kitten

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Teaching the Less Active

Less Actives can be so immoral. Always refusing our efforts to save them. Sometimes we're tempted to just blow them off, leave them to their sinful ways. But here's the thing. No moral person leaves the one and only true church. Consider the shallow reason the Less Active left in the first place. Some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's immoral, and doesn't know what he wants. When he says "I don't agree," I hear "I drink like Yeltsin." When he says "the church isn't true," I hear "I'm into bestiality." When he says "no thank you," I hear, "got any malt liquor?" So when I learned that some Less Actives were heading to Salt Lake City to protest Elder Packer's recent General Conference talk, I thought, call to repentance moment!


The following exchange occurred on one such Less Active's front porch.


Me: Good evening Brother Immoral, I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.

Brother Immoral: Keep your nut loaf and get lost.

Me: I understand you plan to protest Elder Packer's recent conference address.

Brother Immoral: You're darned right I do. Thanks to jerks like him, young LDS gays have committed suicide.


Me: Now, now, Brother Immoral. You mustn't allow some minor personal slight to undermine your testimony.


Brother Immoral: Minor personal slight? F#!k off.


Me: Remember, Elder Packer is an inspired authority.


Brother Immoral: Packer's not inspired, he's an obsessive old kook. All he ever talks about are the evils of masturbation and pornography and oral sex and gay sex and pre-marital sex and sex sex sex! If he had his way, nobody would get laid.


Me: Precisely!  That's because he has only one thing on his mind -- Traditional Marriage.


Brother Immoral: What exactly does your wife put in that nut loaf?


Me: Brother Immoral, may we engage in a thoughtful discussion?

Brother Immoral: I believe I can, yes.


Me: Elder Packer spoke of a little boy in Albuquerque who brought a kitten to school for show and tell.

Brother Immoral: Jesus, not that god-d@#$ed kitten again.

Me: You may remember that the class wanted to know if it was a girl kitty or a boy kitty.


Brother Immoral: I don't give a sh#t about the kitten, Turley.


Me: But you should, Brother Immoral. Because the teacher told the class that it didn't matter what sex the kitten was.


Brother Immoral: It DOESN'T matter, dou%$e-bag.


Me: Then a boy raised his hand and suggested the class vote on whether the kitten was a boy or a girl.


Brother Immoral: Do you understand the problem, Turley? This isn't about kittens, it's about young people committing suicide because their narrow-minded homophobic church leaders refuse to recognize that they're gay. 


Me: Do you understand the moral, Brother Immoral? We can't vote on whether a kitten is male or female. It's not like Congress can pass a bill. The kitten is what God made it.


Brother Immoral: OK. So what if the kitten is gay?


Me: Then the Brethren would veto it.


Brother Immoral: Turley if you're not off my property in thirty seconds I'm calling the cops.


Me: Oh you!


He slams the door. I knock. No response. I bang on the door. No response. I bang on the door and sing out "yoo-hoo" simultaneously. Still no response. 


I creep around the house to the bedroom window. I tap on the glass, then peek through an opening in the drapes. Sister Immoral is removing her brassiere. She screams. Oops! Awkward. 


I return to the front of the house just as a squad car pulls up. Out of respect for the Twelfth Article of Faith, I allow the authorities to escort me from the premises. I congratulate myself on my success and make a mental note to bring extra nut loaf next time -- in case there's a larger police presence.


The Church is true! Amen. 


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you were offended by some minor personal slight, or that you've been drinking too much malt liquor.


  

Ferry Building or General Conference?

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Who will it be? The post-Mormons or the General Authorities?

This weekend the members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward may choose between attending the post-Mormon party at the San Francisco Ferry Building, or watching the 180th Semi-Annual General Conference of the LDS Church. I've provided the following aptitude test to help you decide.

Answer each question in a way that best describes yourself.

1. I like to look at:

a. the sparkling blue San Francisco bay teaming with white caps.

or

b. a sea of blue suits and white dress shirts.

2. On the weekend I like to relax by:

a. sipping Pete's Coffee and maybe splurging on a treat from Boccalone Salume or Miette Patisserie.

or

b. sipping Postum while some cranky old man tells me to cut back on groceries so I can pay my tithing.

3. I like to listen to:

a. real life stories about people who struggle to survive beneath the poverty level.

or

b. bullshit stories about characters like Brother Justo Velasquez, who labored patiently selling tamales on a street corner in Tegucigalpa, then blew all of his hard-earned pesos on temple garments.

4. I like mixing with:

a. feminists, gays, and intellectuals.

or

b. old men who've never met a feminist, gay, or intellectual, but seem to know a gazillion people who like to look at porn.

5. I want to associate with people who:

a. encourage me to have fun, get an education and see the world.

or

b. pester me to go on a mission, get married, and pay my tithing.

6. I like to discuss:

a. art, music, literature and film.

 or

b. Internet porn

7. I take the advice of:

a. people who only want me to be myself.

or

b. people who only want me to pay my tithing.

8. I like:

a. reading science fiction.

or

b. being part of science fiction.

9. This Sunday I would rather:

a. enjoy myself.

or 

b. be bored out of my fucking mind.

10. In other words, I want to:

a. Hang with the post-Mormons at the Ferry Building.

or

b. Hang at home with the GA's and a reheated portion of this.

Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I urge you to choose A! Come to the Ferry Buiding! 

(You know you want to.)