Guidelines For The Future LDS Father-In-Law

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Advice to future fathers-in-law

One of the most important and special moments in a father's life is when he sits down with his future son-in-law for a heart to heart about that little girl they both love. Recently a prestigious on-line magazine addressed this topic with a list of discussion points and red flags for today's concerned patriarch. I have copied their author's list below along with some additions of my own, based on my years of conducting intimate and lengthy one on one interviews with literally hundreds of young men. Trust me Brethren, they're all the same -- as are we.

ESSENTIAL QUESTIONS A FATHER SHOULD ASK HIS FUTURE SON-IN-LAW

Begin with a prayer to Heavenly Father that He might bless you with the understanding and tact necessary for such a delicate conversation, then launch into the following Discussion Points:

• How do you intend to support my daughter?
• Did you choose that career because it will allow you free access to porn?
• What does your father do?
• What kind of kinky stuff is he into?
• Is your mother a stay at home mom?
• Ever catch her reading dirty stories while the kids are napping?
• What about your siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins -- any of them like nookie?
• Do you attend church regularly?
• How much time do you spend in the ward men's room?
• Did you serve a full time mission?
• Ever fantasize about your mission companions naked?
• How do you define porn?
• And were you thinking about my daughter when you answered that question?
• How have you recovered from your porn addiction?
• Who helped you recover?
• How do you manage to control yourself now?

As the conversation progresses, keep an eye out for these Red Flags:

• He admits that he used to look at porn, has stopped doing it, but fails to explain how.
• He claims he overcame the problem all by himself.
• He's never admitted to anyone that he has a problem with porn.
• He's wearing a blue tie.
• He's vague about how he avoids porn.
• He acts defensive and is insulted by your questions.
• He acts overly sincere and emphatic.
• He keeps looking at his watch.
• He's not wearing a watch.
• He appears "too perfect" as if he really isn't a pervert.
• He's staring at you like you're nuts.

At the close of this session, offer a prayer to Heavenly Father that your future son-in-law might repent so that he may eventually be worthy to be part of your eternal family. Then schedule a follow-up interview.

If would like to stop receiving these emails we can't help but wonder what kind of kinky stuff you're into.