LDS Church Leaders Plan Next PR Blitz
Salt Lake News -- published November 21, 2014
Drawing on what they consider to be a successful response to their recent essay, Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo, the Brethren have approved the roll out of yet another monthlong PR campaign, this time in preparation for their next topical essay: A Complete Disclosure of LDS Church Finances.
"We were worried about how the plural marriage essay was going to be received," said church spokesperson, Leonard George. "Then the General Authorities came up with this member-driven ad campaign. It was brilliant, really."
"Sure, the average church member was sorry to learn that our founding prophet was guilty of polygamy, polyandry, adultery and statutory rape," George admitted. "But it was so much easier for him to put all of that aside after he'd spent the month boasting online about his church affiliation and plugging a feature length documentary about us. The Brethren figure the members will need the same kind of incentive before they learn where their money really goes."
Details of the advertising effort have not yet been released. But inside sources say members will again be called upon to change their social media status to another en masse meme such as, "I'm a Mormon and I Tithe."
Also production has begun on a new documentary, one that will focus on individual Mormons and the many sacrifices they make for their church and in their communities.
"Just like Meet the Mormons was a timely reminder that most Latter-day Saints are monogamous, law-abiding citizens, we hope this new documentary will demonstrate how generous and ethical some of us are," George explained.
Nevertheless, there is a significant number of LDS Church members who have become disaffected with their faith after reading the revelatory essays on the official LDS website, the most recent being about Joseph Smith's womanizing.
"Frankly, we're not surprised," said George. "Some people are just easily offended and want to sin."
Showing posts with label tithing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tithing. Show all posts
Friday, November 21, 2014
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Ho Ho Ho! Now Pay Your Tithing (Again)
Note to my dear Readers: this post was originally published on December 28, 2009 when the only people reading my blog were either family members or people who owed me money. I trotted it out for a second run in the hope that more might enjoy it. Also so Mark and I can spend the day celebrating our 32nd wedding anniversary. Enjoy and happy holidays!
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: The blessings of tithing
Less Actives can be so selfish. Always carping about tithing. Claiming it's too expensive and they can't afford it, even inventing delusional complaints about church finances. Some pay only five percent, some none at all. At times we're tempted to leave them to their sinful choice. After all it's theirs to make. But here's the thing. No investment is more important than Heavenly Father's tithe. Consider how the Less Active squanders the Lord's due: designer clothes, sports cars, and boozy marathons in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's selfish, and in need of spiritual repair. So when I learned that a number of Less Actives have yet to sign up for tithing settlement, I thought, it's a cry for help.
The following exchange occurred in the living room of one such Less Active:
Me: Good evening Brother Selfish. I've brought my wife's famous nut loaf.
I set the gift on his coffee table.
Brother Selfish: You didn't come here to give me nut loaf. You want me to pony up the dough, and if I refuse, the bishop won't let me in the temple for my only daughter's wedding. It's blackmail, that's what it is.
Me: Oh you! I would never suggest such a thing. I merely want to testify of the many ways paying a full tithe can bless your life.
Brother Selfish: Like losing my house? That's what'll happen if I don't make the mortgage this month.
Me: Brother Selfish, you need to have more faith. The Lord will provide. In the mean time, the ward can put you up at the Pine Cone Motel.
Brother Selfish: I don't want to stay in that dump.
Me: But Brother, the church picked it up for a song. We're renovating it to house members in need. A boy from the third ward has taken it on as his Eagle Scout project.
Brother Selfish: Great. And what am I supposed to eat?
I nudge the nut loaf in his direction. He rolls his eyes.
Brother Selfish: I'm also behind on my taxes. If I don't pay them now, I could go to prison.
Me: This is serious indeed. But look on the bright side. It would solve your housing problem. And in the final analysis, which would you prefer -- federal prison or Spirit Prison? Anyway, aren't you bothered by the way the government wastes your money?
Brother Selfish: At least I know how it wastes it. I've no idea what the LDS Church does with my tithing, it doesn't report its finances.
Me: You expect the Lord to report His finances? Would you expect Him to report when He plans the next earthquake, flood, or heat wave?
Brother Selfish: No. I just want to know what He does with my money.
Me: Why you're implying that you don't trust the Lord. That you don't trust His church. That you think Joseph Smith made the whole thing up. That the LDS Church is a big fraud that promises eternal life in exchange for bilking people out of their savings. Like one of those miracle skin creams.
Brother Selfish: You mean the kind those young, perky people sell door to door?
Me: Exactly!
I set the tithing envelope on the table next to the nut loaf.
Brother Selfish: I know one thing the church is doing with my money. They're tearing down historic structures to build that ostentatious commercial mecca next to temple square in Salt Lake.
Me: Isn't it marvelous! The City Creek development will include shopping, theaters, restaurants and condominiums. Everything to make our church headquarters the shining beacon it has become.
Brother Selfish: Uh-huh. So if I pay my tithing, do I get a discount at the mall?
I burst out laughing. He falls silent.
Me: Only the mall in heaven.
I laugh a little more, sober then meet his eyes. My heart brims with compassion.
Me: I understand your only daughter is set to marry in the Oakland temple this spring.
Brother Selfish: Why you miserable @#$%ing little piece of $*^%.
He pulls his checkbook from his pocket. I supply him with a pen.
Me: Don't forget to include ten percent of Sister Selfish's income.
Brother Selfish: She died last May.
Me: Which was within the Lord's fiscal year. Wouldn't want her waiting outside the pearly gates, postage due.
Brother Selfish: Don't push it, ^%$-face.
He signs the check then sends it kiting across the room. I grab for it once, twice, then finally nab it before it floats behind the couch.
Me: Have a happy New Year.
Brother Selfish: Get the ^%$ out of my house.
I sing a cheery too-da-loo and march triumphantly through the door. It slams behind me.
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, take it up with Brother Turley when he visits.
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: The blessings of tithing
Less Actives can be so selfish. Always carping about tithing. Claiming it's too expensive and they can't afford it, even inventing delusional complaints about church finances. Some pay only five percent, some none at all. At times we're tempted to leave them to their sinful choice. After all it's theirs to make. But here's the thing. No investment is more important than Heavenly Father's tithe. Consider how the Less Active squanders the Lord's due: designer clothes, sports cars, and boozy marathons in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's selfish, and in need of spiritual repair. So when I learned that a number of Less Actives have yet to sign up for tithing settlement, I thought, it's a cry for help.
The following exchange occurred in the living room of one such Less Active:
Me: Good evening Brother Selfish. I've brought my wife's famous nut loaf.
I set the gift on his coffee table.
Brother Selfish: You didn't come here to give me nut loaf. You want me to pony up the dough, and if I refuse, the bishop won't let me in the temple for my only daughter's wedding. It's blackmail, that's what it is.
Me: Oh you! I would never suggest such a thing. I merely want to testify of the many ways paying a full tithe can bless your life.
Brother Selfish: Like losing my house? That's what'll happen if I don't make the mortgage this month.
Me: Brother Selfish, you need to have more faith. The Lord will provide. In the mean time, the ward can put you up at the Pine Cone Motel.
Brother Selfish: I don't want to stay in that dump.
Me: But Brother, the church picked it up for a song. We're renovating it to house members in need. A boy from the third ward has taken it on as his Eagle Scout project.
Brother Selfish: Great. And what am I supposed to eat?
I nudge the nut loaf in his direction. He rolls his eyes.
Brother Selfish: I'm also behind on my taxes. If I don't pay them now, I could go to prison.
Me: This is serious indeed. But look on the bright side. It would solve your housing problem. And in the final analysis, which would you prefer -- federal prison or Spirit Prison? Anyway, aren't you bothered by the way the government wastes your money?
Brother Selfish: At least I know how it wastes it. I've no idea what the LDS Church does with my tithing, it doesn't report its finances.
Me: You expect the Lord to report His finances? Would you expect Him to report when He plans the next earthquake, flood, or heat wave?
Brother Selfish: No. I just want to know what He does with my money.
Me: Why you're implying that you don't trust the Lord. That you don't trust His church. That you think Joseph Smith made the whole thing up. That the LDS Church is a big fraud that promises eternal life in exchange for bilking people out of their savings. Like one of those miracle skin creams.
Brother Selfish: You mean the kind those young, perky people sell door to door?
Me: Exactly!
I set the tithing envelope on the table next to the nut loaf.
Brother Selfish: I know one thing the church is doing with my money. They're tearing down historic structures to build that ostentatious commercial mecca next to temple square in Salt Lake.
Me: Isn't it marvelous! The City Creek development will include shopping, theaters, restaurants and condominiums. Everything to make our church headquarters the shining beacon it has become.
Brother Selfish: Uh-huh. So if I pay my tithing, do I get a discount at the mall?
I burst out laughing. He falls silent.
Me: Only the mall in heaven.
I laugh a little more, sober then meet his eyes. My heart brims with compassion.
Me: I understand your only daughter is set to marry in the Oakland temple this spring.
Brother Selfish: Why you miserable @#$%ing little piece of $*^%.
He pulls his checkbook from his pocket. I supply him with a pen.
Me: Don't forget to include ten percent of Sister Selfish's income.
Brother Selfish: She died last May.
Me: Which was within the Lord's fiscal year. Wouldn't want her waiting outside the pearly gates, postage due.
Brother Selfish: Don't push it, ^%$-face.
He signs the check then sends it kiting across the room. I grab for it once, twice, then finally nab it before it floats behind the couch.
Me: Have a happy New Year.
Brother Selfish: Get the ^%$ out of my house.
I sing a cheery too-da-loo and march triumphantly through the door. It slams behind me.
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, take it up with Brother Turley when he visits.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Ferry Building or General Conference?
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Who will it be? The post-Mormons or the General Authorities?
This weekend the members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward may choose between attending the post-Mormon party at the San Francisco Ferry Building, or watching the 180th Semi-Annual General Conference of the LDS Church. I've provided the following aptitude test to help you decide.
Answer each question in a way that best describes yourself.
1. I like to look at:
8. I like:
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Who will it be? The post-Mormons or the General Authorities?
This weekend the members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward may choose between attending the post-Mormon party at the San Francisco Ferry Building, or watching the 180th Semi-Annual General Conference of the LDS Church. I've provided the following aptitude test to help you decide.
Answer each question in a way that best describes yourself.
1. I like to look at:
a. the sparkling blue San Francisco bay teaming with white caps.
or
b. a sea of blue suits and white dress shirts.
2. On the weekend I like to relax by:
a. sipping Pete's Coffee and maybe splurging on a treat from Boccalone Salume or Miette Patisserie.
or
b. sipping Postum while some cranky old man tells me to cut back on groceries so I can pay my tithing.
3. I like to listen to:
a. real life stories about people who struggle to survive beneath the poverty level.
or
b. bullshit stories about characters like Brother Justo Velasquez, who labored patiently selling tamales on a street corner in Tegucigalpa, then blew all of his hard-earned pesos on temple garments.
4. I like mixing with:
a. feminists, gays, and intellectuals.
or
b. old men who've never met a feminist, gay, or intellectual, but seem to know a gazillion people who like to look at porn.
5. I want to associate with people who:
a. encourage me to have fun, get an education and see the world.
or
b. pester me to go on a mission, get married, and pay my tithing.
6. I like to discuss:
a. art, music, literature and film.
or
b. Internet porn
7. I take the advice of:
a. people who only want me to be myself.
or
b. people who only want me to pay my tithing.
8. I like:
a. reading science fiction.
or
b. being part of science fiction.
9. This Sunday I would rather:
a. enjoy myself.
or
b. be bored out of my fucking mind.
10. In other words, I want to:
 |
| a. Hang with the post-Mormons at the Ferry Building. |
or
 |
| b. Hang at home with the GA's and a reheated portion of this. |
Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I urge you to choose A! Come to the Ferry Buiding!
(You know you want to.)
Friday, April 9, 2010
Write Your Own LDS General Conference Talk
To: Donna Banta
From: Mark Crawford
Subject: Mother's visit
Dear Donna,
Mother was in town for General Conference. So, instead of the usual three hour marathon with her at church, Byron and I were sentenced to twelve hours with her and the General Authorities in our living room. By now Mother has come to terms with the fact that I live with a man, and that I no longer obey the Word of Wisdom. This mercifully allowed Byron to mix multiple pitchers of martinis to accompany the talks. (Although Mother did ask what was in a martini, and when I told her she said, "Oh p-shaw!") Nevertheless, by the Sunday afternoon session, she was drinking them too.
Since you and the other lucky post-Mormons were living it up at the San Francisco Ferry Building, Byron and I decided to compose a synopsis of what you missed:
While the generic G.A. reads the following lines, cut from his face to any or all of the accompanying pictures.
Would that we all had such faith! But then none of our trials are as great as those of our ancestors. Consider the sacrifice of my Great-great-great:
a. Uncle Hyrum who died defending traditional marriage.
b. Aunt Eugenia who dug Uncle Hyrum's grave with only a teaspoon.
c. Grandfather Maxwell, who went to the Sweden, Stockholm Mission and converted over 100 women.
In closing, brothers and sisters, I leave you my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel. I bear witness that our Savior expects each and every one of you to:
a. pay a full tithe, attend all your meetings, go to the temple, magnify your calling, do your genealogy, have a year's supply of food, serve a mission, marry, raise at least 6 kids in the church, then serve a senior mission.
b. pay a full tithe, attend most of your meetings, have a temple recommend, and do your home/visiting teaching.
c. at least pay your tithing.
In return He promises:
a. you won't have a single minute to yourself.
b. you won't have time for any "fun."
c. there will be no money left over to spend on porn.
As I told Bishop Z, it was the most mind-numbingly boring crap I've ever seen on TV. And now I'm all out of vodka.
Regards,
Mark
From: Mark Crawford
Subject: Mother's visit
Dear Donna,
Mother was in town for General Conference. So, instead of the usual three hour marathon with her at church, Byron and I were sentenced to twelve hours with her and the General Authorities in our living room. By now Mother has come to terms with the fact that I live with a man, and that I no longer obey the Word of Wisdom. This mercifully allowed Byron to mix multiple pitchers of martinis to accompany the talks. (Although Mother did ask what was in a martini, and when I told her she said, "Oh p-shaw!") Nevertheless, by the Sunday afternoon session, she was drinking them too.
Since you and the other lucky post-Mormons were living it up at the San Francisco Ferry Building, Byron and I decided to compose a synopsis of what you missed:
Generic General Conference Talk
by Mark and Byron
Check all that apply.
Brothers and Sisters, today I would like to speak with you about:
a. obedience.
b. sweet little old ladies.
c. your filthy minds.
I know that many of you struggle with your commitment to the Gospel because of:
a. these trying economic times.
b. your addiction to porn.
c. your warped desire to have "fun."
For those who harbor such selfishness, I invite you to consider the least fortunate among us. Last month I visited a tiny LDS branch in:
a. Calcutta.
b. Mozambique.
c. Queens.
After church, the branch president invited me into his hut, where his wife offered me:
a. her last few drops of Hawaiian Punch.
b. a box of lime Jell-O.
c. the remainder of the strained carrots she was feeding her infant.
I asked the young president if he was in need of any church welfare. He immediately waved me off, and said that he and his flock preferred that the church devote its resources to:
a. eliminating the Internet.
b. defining the word, "marriage."
c. developing a line of modest prom dresses.
While the generic G.A. reads the following lines, cut from his face to any or all of the accompanying pictures.
Would that we all had such faith! But then none of our trials are as great as those of our ancestors. Consider the sacrifice of my Great-great-great:
b. Aunt Eugenia who dug Uncle Hyrum's grave with only a teaspoon.
c. Grandfather Maxwell, who went to the Sweden, Stockholm Mission and converted over 100 women.
a. pay a full tithe, attend all your meetings, go to the temple, magnify your calling, do your genealogy, have a year's supply of food, serve a mission, marry, raise at least 6 kids in the church, then serve a senior mission.
b. pay a full tithe, attend most of your meetings, have a temple recommend, and do your home/visiting teaching.
c. at least pay your tithing.
In return He promises:
a. you won't have a single minute to yourself.
b. you won't have time for any "fun."
c. there will be no money left over to spend on porn.
As I told Bishop Z, it was the most mind-numbingly boring crap I've ever seen on TV. And now I'm all out of vodka.
Regards,
Mark
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A Word from the Stake President -- I Understand Your Concerns
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: President Knightly
Subject: Your Concerns
As I said in our emergency meeting last Sunday, I know that the forty-plus members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward who played hooky on Fast (so-called "Superbowl") Sunday did so in part because of some disappointment and confusion over the demands of our faith. For this reason, I invited you to submit questions to me via e-mail. As promised, I have considered your concerns prayerfully and endeavored to answer you with the honesty and respect you deserve.
Dear President Knightly,
I am a gay man. I've tried to change, but it's no use. I feel my only choice is to divorce my wife, leave the Church and live an authentic life. Do you have any suggestions?
Sincerely, Name Withheld
Dear Brother Name Withheld,
Authenticity is overrated. Consider how it looks. Latter-day Saints are instructed to avoid the appearance of evil, which in your case means posing as a happily married man who pays tithing, attends church, does his home teaching, attends the temple, votes Republican, and biannually impregnates his wife. This is not to say that the LDS Church is homophobic. Your inspired leaders invite you to acknowledge your same-sex attraction, embrace it even. In fact, go ahead and celebrate your gayness. -- But keep it all inside. And for gosh sakes don't try to kiss any of us.
Dear President Knightly,
I am the president of my middle school class, an honor student, a hall monitor, and captain of my girls' field hockey team. But when I turn twelve next month, I won't qualify to pass the sacrament in church, but my twin brother will. Can you explain? It doesn't seem fair to me.
Thanks in advance for your answer! Missy Compton
Dear Missy,
Because girls get to have babies, and boys don't, and that's not fair.
Dear President Knightly,
Why should I pay tithing to a church that doesn't report its finances?
Sincerely, Brother Selfish
Dear Brother Selfish,
For your protection, of course! Think about it, do you really want the members of the Elders' Quorum knowing how much tithing you pay? How about your employees, or the IRS, or your estranged wife's divorce attorney? For the good of all, what happens in Salt Lake City should stay in Salt Lake City.
Dear President Knightly,
Much is said over the pulpit about gay men. But what have our priesthood leaders to say to us women who live with same-sex attraction?
Name Withheld
Dear Sister Name Withheld,
I don't understand your premise.
Dear President Knightly,
I recently read a scholarly work that documented Joseph Smith's plural marriages to underage girls and other men's wives. Why doesn't the Church condemn this despicable chapter in our history?
Margaret Spencer
Dear Sister Spencer,
I fail to understand why any church member, especially a sweet sister, can waste her time studying and thinking her way out of a testimony. I suggest you put down your book, pick up your needlework, and remember how special your visiting teacher is.
Dear President Knightly,
My doctor suggested I drink green tea to help lower my cholesterol and regulate my bowels. Is it OK to follow his advice?
Delores Souter
Dear Sister Souter,
Yes. So long as nobody sees you.
Dear President Knightly,
My family left the Mormon Church ten years ago. Is there any way I can get the ward members to quit calling, writing, dropping by, peeking in our windows, and bringing us nut loaf?
Brother Confused
Dear Brother Confused,
Not really, no.
My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I hope this exercise demonstrates how much I truly care for each and every one of you. You had concerns, I listened. You had questions, I answered them. Now it's time for you to do your part. In short, gird your loins, quit your belly-aching, and get your lazy duffs back to church.
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, check this box.
From: President Knightly
Subject: Your Concerns
As I said in our emergency meeting last Sunday, I know that the forty-plus members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward who played hooky on Fast (so-called "Superbowl") Sunday did so in part because of some disappointment and confusion over the demands of our faith. For this reason, I invited you to submit questions to me via e-mail. As promised, I have considered your concerns prayerfully and endeavored to answer you with the honesty and respect you deserve.
Dear President Knightly,
I am a gay man. I've tried to change, but it's no use. I feel my only choice is to divorce my wife, leave the Church and live an authentic life. Do you have any suggestions?
Sincerely, Name Withheld
Dear Brother Name Withheld,
Authenticity is overrated. Consider how it looks. Latter-day Saints are instructed to avoid the appearance of evil, which in your case means posing as a happily married man who pays tithing, attends church, does his home teaching, attends the temple, votes Republican, and biannually impregnates his wife. This is not to say that the LDS Church is homophobic. Your inspired leaders invite you to acknowledge your same-sex attraction, embrace it even. In fact, go ahead and celebrate your gayness. -- But keep it all inside. And for gosh sakes don't try to kiss any of us.
Dear President Knightly,
I am the president of my middle school class, an honor student, a hall monitor, and captain of my girls' field hockey team. But when I turn twelve next month, I won't qualify to pass the sacrament in church, but my twin brother will. Can you explain? It doesn't seem fair to me.
Thanks in advance for your answer! Missy Compton
Dear Missy,
Because girls get to have babies, and boys don't, and that's not fair.
Dear President Knightly,
Why should I pay tithing to a church that doesn't report its finances?
Sincerely, Brother Selfish
Dear Brother Selfish,
For your protection, of course! Think about it, do you really want the members of the Elders' Quorum knowing how much tithing you pay? How about your employees, or the IRS, or your estranged wife's divorce attorney? For the good of all, what happens in Salt Lake City should stay in Salt Lake City.
Dear President Knightly,
Much is said over the pulpit about gay men. But what have our priesthood leaders to say to us women who live with same-sex attraction?
Name Withheld
Dear Sister Name Withheld,
I don't understand your premise.
Dear President Knightly,
I recently read a scholarly work that documented Joseph Smith's plural marriages to underage girls and other men's wives. Why doesn't the Church condemn this despicable chapter in our history?
Margaret Spencer
Dear Sister Spencer,
I fail to understand why any church member, especially a sweet sister, can waste her time studying and thinking her way out of a testimony. I suggest you put down your book, pick up your needlework, and remember how special your visiting teacher is.
Dear President Knightly,
My doctor suggested I drink green tea to help lower my cholesterol and regulate my bowels. Is it OK to follow his advice?
Delores Souter
Dear Sister Souter,
Yes. So long as nobody sees you.
Dear President Knightly,
My family left the Mormon Church ten years ago. Is there any way I can get the ward members to quit calling, writing, dropping by, peeking in our windows, and bringing us nut loaf?
Brother Confused
Dear Brother Confused,
Not really, no.
My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I hope this exercise demonstrates how much I truly care for each and every one of you. You had concerns, I listened. You had questions, I answered them. Now it's time for you to do your part. In short, gird your loins, quit your belly-aching, and get your lazy duffs back to church.
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, check this box.
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