Enthusiasm Builds Around Romney's Third Candidacy

Romney's Base Urges Him to Run in 2016
The Salt Lake News -- published January 16, 2015

SALT LAKE CITY -- Excitement was high at the after-party for an LDS VIP screening of Meet the Mormons this past Tuesday. Mitt Romney had recently announced that he was considering another run for the presidency -- and his loyal followers couldn't be more thrilled.

"There's no doubt that the Brethren's inspired PR efforts have energized Romney's base," church spokesperson, Wilford Delacorte said, referring to the aforementioned feature-length documentary as well as the recent essay touting the prophet Joseph Smith's numerous accomplishments. "Now we're turning the time over to Mitt."

It would appear that Republicans throughout Romney Country share Delacorte's enthusiasm.

"We're on fire down here in Utah Valley," Delores Rudd, a Republican operative from Orem, declared. "He's our one and only true candidate."

But GOP officials outside the boundaries of the former governor's influence remain skeptical about a third Romney bid, claiming the candidate failed to connect with average voters or even fellow Republicans.

"By Romney's own admission, he doesn't care about the votes of 47% of the electorate," Camilla Franklin, a Republican fund raiser from Minnesota, complained. "He boasted that his wife owned a 'couple of Cadillacs' and challenged Rick Perry to a $10,000 bet. Who are this loser's base and what flavor Kool-Aid are they drinking?"

Iowa Republican strategist, Wilbur Lumley, is also baffled by the solidarity of the Romney base. "Mitt seems like a nice guy and all. But he lost miserably. I don't get these people who call him their 'one and only true candidate.' What do they even mean by that?"

Bristling at the criticism, Ms. Rudd countered, "I understand there are elements in the nonmember wing of the party who fear that it will be a repeat of 2012. But that's only because they don't understand the doctrine of continuing revelation. Mitt's totally in tune with what's trending. In 2016, the screen on his Etch-A-Sketch will be completely refreshed."

In a recent interview with The Salt Lake News, Heber G. Sneed, a political science professor from the University of Utah and former Jon Huntsman supporter, summarized Romney's unique position in the potential Republican field.

"In order to secure a base," Sneed explained. "The other Republican hopefuls have to appeal to the Tea Party or to the Christian Right, or to Wall Street, all of whom have substantial ideological agendas. But Romney's base is the Mormons, and the only thing on their agenda is winning. That gives Mitt a distinct advantage."

LDS Spokesperson Delacorte echoed Sneed's optimism. "Mark my words. Come January 20, 2017, Mitt Romney will take the oath of office and then, facing the entire world, proudly announce:

I'm president of the United States . . . and I'm a Mormon."

______________________

--In other news, yet another Mormon is set to be excommunicated over his support for same-sex marriage and the ordination of women. John Dehlin, host of Mormon Stories is scheduled to appear before an LDS Church disciplinary council on January 25, 2015. Read more here. 

Also, if you haven't already, head over to Main Street Plaza to vote for X-Mormon of the Year and nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for a Brodie Award!

New PR Campaign to Precede Next Essay

LDS Church Leaders Plan Next PR Blitz 
Salt Lake News -- published November 21, 2014

Drawing on what they consider to be a successful response to their recent essay, Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo, the Brethren have approved the roll out of yet another monthlong PR campaign, this time in preparation for their next topical essay: A Complete Disclosure of LDS Church Finances. 

"We were worried about how the plural marriage essay was going to be received," said church spokesperson, Leonard George. "Then the General Authorities came up with this member-driven ad campaign. It was brilliant, really." 

"Sure, the average church member was sorry to learn that our founding prophet was guilty of polygamy, polyandry, adultery and statutory rape," George admitted. "But it was so much easier for him to put all of that aside after he'd spent the month boasting online about his church affiliation and plugging a feature length documentary about us. The Brethren figure the members will need the same kind of incentive before they learn where their money really goes."

Details of the advertising effort have not yet been released. But inside sources say members will again be called upon to change their social media status to another en masse meme such as, "I'm a Mormon and I Tithe." 

Also production has begun on a new documentary, one that will focus on individual Mormons and the many sacrifices they make for their church and in their communities. 

"Just like Meet the Mormons was a timely reminder that most Latter-day Saints are monogamous, law-abiding citizens, we hope this new documentary will demonstrate how generous and ethical some of us are," George explained.

Nevertheless, there is a significant number of LDS Church members who have become disaffected with their faith after reading the revelatory essays on the official LDS website, the most recent being about Joseph Smith's womanizing.

"Frankly, we're not surprised," said George. "Some people are just easily offended and want to sin."

Meet the Real Mormons

Dang! I missed my chance. Meet the Mormons is no longer playing in a theater near me. I suspect the same may be true in many other less Mormon-populated locales. But for those of you who live outside the Brigham Belt, or who simply don't want to pony up the price of admission (tickets to my local Cinemark range from $7.50 to $9.00 a pop), I have an alternative suggestion.

After watching the trailer and skimming the Meet the Mormons official website, I've learned that what the Salt Lake Tribune calls a "sales pitch" focuses on the lives of "six ordinary individuals." Namely, the famous WWII candy bomber (whose story the church has trotted out on countless previous occasions), a Nepalese humanitarian, a Costa Rican female kick-boxing champ, an African-American football coach, a single mom, and an African-American Mormon bishop. At first glance, they don't seem very typically Mormon to me.

Want to meet the real Mormons? (Or the ones who call the shots?) I invite you to wander over to the LDS Church website and read the load of bollocks the regular gang of white male cliches have been churning out about their church and its history.

Not only is it free. Not only is it a truer representation of the LDS Church. I believe it will prove far more entertaining than the Lord's feature-length film. In fact, in places it's flat-out hilarious.

With their talent, the Brethren should really do stand-up. Or write a satire blog. After all, they've been practically writing mine for almost five years now. Try as I might, I can do little to improve upon them.

Take, for example, this past week's article: "Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo." You decide, Gentle Readers, who is funnier? Them or me?

Excerpt from LDS Inc. satire:

Most of those sealed to Joseph Smith were between 20 and 40 years of age at the time of their sealing to him. The oldest, Fanny Young, was 56 years old. The youngest was Helen Mar Kimball, daughter of Joseph’s close friends Heber C. and Vilate Murray Kimball, who was sealed to Joseph several months before her 15th birthday. Marriage at such an age, inappropriate by today’s standards, was legal in that era, and some women married in their mid-teens.²⁶  

Helen Mar Kimball spoke of her sealing to Joseph as being “for eternity alone,” suggesting that the relationship did not involve sexual relations.²⁷ After Joseph’s death, Helen remarried and became an articulate defender of him and of plural marriage.²⁸

Following his marriage to Louisa Beaman and before he married other single women, Joseph Smith was sealed to a number of women who were already married.²⁹ Neither these women nor Joseph explained much about these sealings, though several women said they were for eternity alone.³⁰ Other women left no records, making it unknown whether their sealings were for time and eternity or were for eternity alone.

My attempt to improve on LDS Inc. satire:

Most of those sealed to Joseph Smith were between 20 and 40 years of age. The youngest, Helen Mar Kimball, was 14 years old. The oldest, Fanny Young, was months shy of her 57th birthday. 

The marriage of a 14 year old girl to a middle-aged man who is already married is and always has been both illegal and inappropriate. However, Joseph attempted to evade U.S. laws and standards of decency by drawing a distinction between marriages for "time and all eternity" and marriages "for eternity alone." 

Helen Mar Kimball spoke of her sealing to Joseph as being for "eternity alone." This suggests that rather than stealing her away to indulge in her nubile, teenaged flesh, Joseph merely retired with Kimball to his bedchamber where he recited to her in Reformed Egyptian.

Joseph Smith was also sealed to a number of women who were already married. Because this also is and always has been both illegal and inappropriate, some of those women likewise described their marriages to Joseph as "for eternity alone." 

That way, when confronted by an angry husband, Joseph could explain, "No worries, Harvey. She's still yours for now. I'm just practicing on her for the next life." 

Others left no record or description of their relationship with Joseph, a common practice for married women who suddenly find themselves in similarly confusing connubial situations.  

See what I mean? The LDS Inc. schtick is deft, subtle, hip! Whereas I come off as a puritanical old poop.

Regardless, I'm guessing this week's article on Plural Marriage reveals a lot more about the Mormon Church than the subjects of its new documentary ever could. That being said, I want to meet that Latina kick-boxer. There are some human targets in Salt Lake City I'd like to see her apply her talent to.

No Thanks. We've Already Met.

So I was in Salt Lake City last weekend, my visit timed with the premiere of the documentary, Meet the Mormons.  I declined the invitation. As I said, we've already met.

Instead I hung with the mere earthlings at the ExMormon Foundation Conference where I had the amazing privilege to introduce the after-dinner speaker, Dana Dahl. She wowed us all, earning a well-deserved standing ovation for her "self-defecating humor."

I'm reasonably certain I wouldn't have learned anything new about the Mormons from watching their documentary. For that matter, I don't think anyone else would have learned anything new about the Mormons from watching their documentary.

That being said, because I haven't seen the picture, and because I don't want to align myself with the critics who reviewed The Book of Mormon without actually seeing the musical, I will refrain from commenting further on the content of Meet the Mormons.

What I will do is ask: Where are the Brethren parking their mothership these days? 

As I understand it, this is how this doozy of a fantasy evolved: 

• The Brethren, channeling inspiration through their thick space helmets, convinced themselves that the church has been unfairly represented in the godless liberal media. 
• Fearful that the average Joe Nonmember might not have a complete understanding of the LDS Church - and convinced that he craves one - the inspired Brethren ordered their brainiacs in PR to come up with some sort of promotional gimmick.
• According to the Lord's apostle, Jeffrey R. Holland, the film, Meet the Mormons, was getting positive buzz from "test audiences" at the Legacy Theater on Temple Square in Salt Lake City. I don't know specifically who made up these audiences. But, as any researcher at LDS Inc. undoubtedly knows, visitors to the Legacy Theater on Temple Square are either Mormons themselves, or non-Mormons who are curious enough about the faith to sit through all or part of a free - emphasis on free - church produced promotional film.
• Nevertheless, this alleged buzz was reason enough for these PR brainiacs and the GA's to launch Meet the Mormons as a major motion picture, one they knew would be wildly successful at the box office.
• The reason the PR brainiacs and their higher-ups knew it would be wildly successful was because they had devised this brilliant top-secret scheme! That is, they had ward and stake leaders send out emails to local members pressuring them to see the film on opening weekend.
• Convinced that their brilliant scheme would execute flawlessly and completely under the radar, the Brethren and their PR brainiacs leaned back and waited for what they were convinced would be a blockbuster success so momentous that it would explode onto Netflix and other outlets, and inspire every Joe Nonmember to declare, "Golly, Myrtle, I was going to go see Gone Girl until I heard about that smash hit, Meet the Mormons!"

Well, back here on planet Earth, Meet the Mormons fell short of the Brethren's inspired expectations. Sure, the numbers were good, thanks to the members who, in some cases, bought out entire theaters. 

But the godless liberal media spotted that top-secret PR scheme a mile away. The Salt Lake Tribune labeled the film an infomercial, Salt Lake City Weekly and other sources reported the church pressure on members to attend, and Rotten Tomatoes currently reports the movie's critics' consensus at 11% alongside an audience score of 92% - not the typical result from a mainstream audience. Not on this planet anyway.

But as the Brethren seem content to remain on their mothership, my guess is it will be back to the drawing board for the brainiacs in Church PR. I can't wait to see what they come up with next.

Meanwhile, I'll hang in the cheap seats with my fellow earthlings.

Me and Dana at Exmormon 2014