Mormon Erotica

Greetings Gentle Readers! Are any of you still out there? I'm back after a 2 year hiatus, much of it spent writing my new romance novel, Mormon Erotica. Okay, so "erotica" might be a stretch. But there is some hugging and kissing, a little PG sex, and plenty of romance -- just in time for Valentine's Day!

Over the years I've had a love/hate relationship with LDS romance novels. Because I used to be a Mormon, I want to enjoy a good love story set in a culture that I easily connect to. Only the LDS, Inc.  formula is so disappointing:

Boy swears off dating because he's bored with the selection at church. Then he falls for a nonmember or inactive Mormon because she's so different. Only in order to marry her he has to either convert or reconvert her, thus changing her into the kind of girl that bored him in the first place.

Was that good for you? I think my take on the genre offers more satisfaction, not to mention reality. And I love my central characters: Jim Maxwell, a devout LDS single dad, and Sadie Gordon, a lapsed Latter-day Saint and author of Mormon "erotica."

Holly Welker writes: "Mormon Erotica, the new novel from Donna Banta is a joyous page-turner...this post-Mormon twist on the romance novel is a breath of fresh air." Read her entire review here.

Leah Elliot writes: "Mormon Erotica is a quick read. It is funny, and the container of humor tempers some deeply poignant reflections on a universally human dilemma that is more important now than ever: How do we live with and love all of the people in our lives through the full range of both our commonalities and our differences." Read her entire review here.

Check out this excerpt. Jim and Sadie, having just reconnected at an LDS wedding reception, sneak out to Starbucks:

“Starbucks is just up the street,” I said, once my bishop’s youngest daughter had left with her signed copy of Laying on of Hands. “Follow me?” I pointed to my Prius. “Same model as yours.”

As I drove I remembered that Sunday School story about a job interview for drivers on a dangerous route. The first applicant said he could drive clear to the edge of the road. The second said he could drive partially over the edge. The third said he stayed as far from the edge as possible. Shaking my head as I pulled into a parking space, I felt myself drifting toward the edge.

But once safe inside the establishment where my sister claimed no decent woman could be found, my anxiety eased. I bought us a decaf coffee and a hot chocolate and then showed Sadie to my usual table.

She took a drink of her decaf. “Remember that pompous lecture you gave me when I ordered the Dr. Pepper?”

“I remember you threw it in my face.”

“I was so mad at you.”

“You were mad at me?”

“I also recall how we made up.”

I blushed and swigged my chocolate.

Sadie used her napkin to dab the edge of my mouth. “Whipped cream,” she explained.

“I heard you got divorced. How come?” I asked.

“You still don’t beat around the bush.”

“Nope.”

“Still a perfect Mormon, Jim?”

“Nope again. I’m a divorced single dad.”

“How many kids?”

“I have a fourteen-year-old daughter, Julia.”

Sadie grinned. “Oh my, a teenaged girl.”

“Don’t get me started.”

“Still a right-winger?”

“Nope. In fact, my sister claims I’m an eco-fascist.”

She ran a slender finger around the rim of her cup. “Excellent. Still a computer nerd?”

“Freelance nerd. I design mobile apps. Still cheat at Scrabble, Sadie?”

“I’ve never cheated at Scrabble, Maxwell. You still think a Woody Allen movie qualifies as porn?”

“I liked Manhattan Murder Mystery.”

“How about Vicky Cristina Barcelona?”

“Haven’t seen it. Let’s move on to music. Still a fan of Men Without Hats?”

Sadie burst out laughing, and in a manner so infectious it drew smiles from the people around us.

After a long breath, she answered, “I’m a Tony Bennett, Michael Bublé kind of person these days.”

“Why’d you get divorced, Sadie?”

“We were both Mormons at the time and only married because we were desperate to have sex. After that, there was nothing to talk about.” Her neckline slipped sideways to reveal her bra strap. It was silky and beige like her dress.

“No back and forth over politics? Woody Allen?”

“He only watched sports.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. The sex was fantastic. We even kept it up after the divorce.”

My lips parted.

“But now he’s remarried. She models lingerie.”

All of a sudden I started sweating. I loosened my tie and undid my top button. “Kids?” I half-gasped.

“No. No kids.” Sadie leaned against the booth and the silky strap disappeared. “And I’m married to my work.”

“You don’t date?”

She shook her head. “You remember how much I hated those church mix and mingles.”

“But now you don’t go to them.”

“Yeah, I do. Only with alcohol. And it does nothing to dull the pain.”

I laughed.

“Besides, I’m still hopelessly attracted to Mormon men.”

“Really?” My pulse rose.

She shrugged. “At least I can write them into erotic scenes.”

My cheeks burning, I grabbed for my cup and nearly knocked it over.

“What’s your story, Jim?”

I took a long sip of chocolate, collecting myself as I swallowed. “After grad school I moved back here and met a pretty girl I liked. We lasted three years.”

“A pretty girl you liked? I’m surprised it lasted three years.”

“She wouldn’t let me touch her.”

Sadie stared at me. In this light her eyes looked more green than brown. “How’d Julia happen?”

“Whitney only let me violate her during ovulation. That’s what she called it, violation.”

“Sounds like she needed professional help.”

“She thought I was the one who needed help. Said I had a sex addiction. Kept prodding me to talk to the bishop.”

“Did you?”

All of a sudden I found myself making a conscientious effort not to look at her breasts. “Did I what? Have a sex addiction?”

“No.” She laughed and briefly squeezed my arm, sending a shiver of excitement through to my bones. “Did you talk to your bishop?”

“Sure. A couple of them, in fact. They sympathized with my situation, but couldn’t offer any advice other than to be patient with her.”

“What about Whitney? Did you ask her what she wanted in bed?”

“Gosh, yes. I even searched online for ideas. When I suggested some she went ballistic, claimed I was demanding she perform unnatural acts.”

Sadie set down her coffee cup and in a raised voice said, “For heaven’s sake, there’s nothing wrong with oral sex.”

The couple at the next booth smiled our way. I realized that someday I was going to have to reconstruct this conversation in order to understand just how we got to this point.

Want to know if these two can find lasting happiness together? Order your copy here.

Oh! And don't forget to vote in this year's Brodie Awards. There are some great contenders this year, including 2 of my own posts for Main Street Plaza, nominated in the "Best LDS Culture Piece" and "Best Book Review" categories. Vote here.

Happy Valentine's Day!

The Annual Brodie Awards/Super Bowl Post

This may be the best Brodie Awards season yet! 2014 boasted a record number of great LDS-themed blogs, books, posts, discussion forums and podcasts. The competition is stiff--starting with eleven sites competing for best new blog! (Including my personal favorite, Sheep Dip.)

I'm thrilled to be nominated in 5 categories this year. But, while I've managed to sneak away with a prize or 2 in years past, I don't expect to win this time around. Just check out some of my competition: Infants on Thrones, Brother Jake, runtu, Peggy Fletcher Stack (!!!), Holly Welker, and even chanson herself. With my name alongside the likes of those and the other talented writers, I am indeed thrilled just to be nominated.

That being said, vote for ME!!

One thing's for certain, this year's awards are proof that Main Street Plaza's Outer Blogness is not only not going away, it's gathering steam. What was it? Those church essays? The cheesy LDS feature length film? Joseph Smith's crazy libido? Kate Kelly's excommunication? Or was it that underwear video? For whatever reason, LDS Church leaders certainly drew attention to themselves this past year, and not always in a good way.

Vote for your favorites here in the Brodie Awards on Main Street Plaza.

Another child is corrupted

Also this past Sunday, Mark and I hosted another ExMormon Super Bowl party, giving me the opportunity to post a series of candid pictures that prove once and for all that we left because we were offended and wanted to sin.

For those of us here on the Left Coast, the Seahawk's loss in the final seconds was a crushing blow. But we jollied ourselves up with much loud laughter, lightmindedness, and evil speaking of the self-appointed--carrying on the grand tradition of partying on Sunday. :)

Everything! Even the ExMormon Funeral Potatoes.

Blue hair looks great without a temple veil

No BYU Beard Card required

 In the name of cheese and rice, amen.

Enthusiasm Builds Around Romney's Third Candidacy

Romney's Base Urges Him to Run in 2016
The Salt Lake News -- published January 16, 2015

SALT LAKE CITY -- Excitement was high at the after-party for an LDS VIP screening of Meet the Mormons this past Tuesday. Mitt Romney had recently announced that he was considering another run for the presidency -- and his loyal followers couldn't be more thrilled.

"There's no doubt that the Brethren's inspired PR efforts have energized Romney's base," church spokesperson, Wilford Delacorte said, referring to the aforementioned feature-length documentary as well as the recent essay touting the prophet Joseph Smith's numerous accomplishments. "Now we're turning the time over to Mitt."

It would appear that Republicans throughout Romney Country share Delacorte's enthusiasm.

"We're on fire down here in Utah Valley," Delores Rudd, a Republican operative from Orem, declared. "He's our one and only true candidate."

But GOP officials outside the boundaries of the former governor's influence remain skeptical about a third Romney bid, claiming the candidate failed to connect with average voters or even fellow Republicans.

"By Romney's own admission, he doesn't care about the votes of 47% of the electorate," Camilla Franklin, a Republican fund raiser from Minnesota, complained. "He boasted that his wife owned a 'couple of Cadillacs' and challenged Rick Perry to a $10,000 bet. Who are this loser's base and what flavor Kool-Aid are they drinking?"

Iowa Republican strategist, Wilbur Lumley, is also baffled by the solidarity of the Romney base. "Mitt seems like a nice guy and all. But he lost miserably. I don't get these people who call him their 'one and only true candidate.' What do they even mean by that?"

Bristling at the criticism, Ms. Rudd countered, "I understand there are elements in the nonmember wing of the party who fear that it will be a repeat of 2012. But that's only because they don't understand the doctrine of continuing revelation. Mitt's totally in tune with what's trending. In 2016, the screen on his Etch-A-Sketch will be completely refreshed."

In a recent interview with The Salt Lake News, Heber G. Sneed, a political science professor from the University of Utah and former Jon Huntsman supporter, summarized Romney's unique position in the potential Republican field.

"In order to secure a base," Sneed explained. "The other Republican hopefuls have to appeal to the Tea Party or to the Christian Right, or to Wall Street, all of whom have substantial ideological agendas. But Romney's base is the Mormons, and the only thing on their agenda is winning. That gives Mitt a distinct advantage."

LDS Spokesperson Delacorte echoed Sneed's optimism. "Mark my words. Come January 20, 2017, Mitt Romney will take the oath of office and then, facing the entire world, proudly announce:

I'm president of the United States . . . and I'm a Mormon."

______________________

--In other news, yet another Mormon is set to be excommunicated over his support for same-sex marriage and the ordination of women. John Dehlin, host of Mormon Stories is scheduled to appear before an LDS Church disciplinary council on January 25, 2015. Read more here. 

Also, if you haven't already, head over to Main Street Plaza to vote for X-Mormon of the Year and nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for a Brodie Award!

Gays At BYU

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President
Subject: What causes people to be gay

In honor of Valentines Day, I am sharing the following excerpt from Gays at BYU, a lengthy academic study performed by scholars at Brigham Young University:

What Causes People To Be Gay?
The Academy for the New Understanding of Sexuality (ANUS) has observed seven predisposing factors that are common in the backgrounds of men with same sex attraction. These factors are as follows:

1. Bad Mothering
A mother can wound young boys by smothering, criticizing, and abandoning her sacred role as a female. By working outside the home, for example, or expecting her boys to make their own beds, or insisting that she and not her son is head of the household when Daddy is away.

2. Inappropriate Early Childhood Fashion Choices
While this is also the result of bad mothering, it deserves a separate mention because every gay man's family album includes at least one picture of him wearing a satin polkadot onesie.

3. Distorted Concepts of Gender
Unhealthy childhood relationships with females can distort a man's view of the female gender, affect how he sees himself in relation to women, damage his sense of masculinity, and leave the individual without a sense of the opposite sex as complementary and attractive. This can occur if a boy is exposed to inappropriate female role models, such as lady policemen or women who wear pants to church. Or if he is guilted into asking the really really fat girl in the ward to dance.

4. Problems In Relationships With Other Males
During childhood, a boy might stray across the playground to socialize with the girls, leading him to accept the negative stereotype that girls can be smarter than boys. This leaves his normal need for same-sex superiority unmet, resulting in longings and cravings for male closeness.

5. Sexual Conditioning
Sexual desire can be conditioned through pairing specific stimuli with sexual arousal. Exposure to male pornography may create or intensify homosexual arousal for some boys, also extended viewing of HGTV and the Food Network.

6. Certain Biological and Physical Issues
Research on direct biological and genetic causes of homosexuality is inconclusive. But our experience suggests that certain biological factors can have an important indirect impact by affecting other parts of the developmental pathway. For example, limp wrists, long eyelashes, high-pitched voices, or a flair for floral design.

7. Certain Emotional and Psychological Problems
Certain emotional and psychological issues may increase the likelihood of becoming a homosexual. For example, if a young man develops the irrational notion that he is attracted to other young men.

ANUS also mentions that many with same-sex attraction have painful life histories, especially those who are raised in the LDS Church.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we invite you to reread the Valentines Day guidelines. (Straight couples only, of course.)

--Message from blog owner--

This past week I received two Brodie Awards over on Main Street Plaza. My book, False Prophet won Best LDS Themed novel--a true thrill given who the other nominees were. (Jeff Laver, David Larkin, Lawrence Pratt, Ryan McIlvan.)

But even more astounding, Ward Gossip won Best Humor/Satire Site or Blog. I've been up for that award before and have never come close to winning it. Thanks to our wealth of material, there is such excellent competition out there. This year my fellow nominees were The Utah Honeypot, a site I admire so much that I actually nominated it myself, and a new blog I'd not heard of, The BunYion. I voted for myself, of course. (No false modesty here.) Then I wandered over to the new site to check it out. 

After an hour-long coffee-spewing session--I can only conclude that the reason The BunYion did not win in the Best Humor/Satire category is because it hasn't been around very long and not enough Main Street Plaza readers have had a chance to read it. That won't be the case next time around. With the tagline, "The campus is our world," the site spoofs all things Mormon, but especially the crazy existence that is BYU student life. After enduring so much supercilious nonsense from the academics at the "Lord's University" (for example, the bullshit study that inspired my above post), it is a true joy to read the work of these brilliant and talented individuals who are confident enough to poke fun at their own culture. Check it out here.

And thanks to everyone who voted for me!

The 2013 Brodie Awards!

Every year Main Street Plaza hosts the Brodie Awards in recognition of LDS-themed blogs and books. It's a great opportunity for the greater Mormon community to come together each year, to read each other's writing, and also boost each other's stats. :) For that last reason alone, it is truly an honor just to be nominated--even if you nominate yourself! Which, of course, I did--and likewise encourage my gentle readers to do the same. Nominations are open through Thursday, January 30. Here are my nominees so far. I hope to add more.

Best LDS-Interest Book (Fiction)
My own novel, False Prophet
Dragons in the Book of Mormon by Johnny Townsend
Latter-Gay Saints edited and introduced by Gerald S. Argetsinger, co-edited by Jeff Laver and Johnny Townsend
The Book of Thompson by David Larkin
Dark Deception by Mr. Lawrence Pratt

Best LDS-Interest Book (Non-Fiction)
Exit Strategy by Micah McCallister

Best New Blog
The Utah Honeypot
Hey, Judy

Best Humor/Satire Blog
The Utah Honeypot

Funniest Humor Piece
Church Introduces Gay Deconversion Merit Badge -- Ward Gossip
The Tolerance Trap, Is There Any Hope For Escape? -- The Utah Honeypot

Best Review
Ma-Ha-Nei-Bu-Eebowai -- Letters From A Broad

Best Moving On From Mormonism Story
Scars -- A Post Mormon Life
A Crisis of Faith Redefined -- Thoughts Per Coffee

Most Poignant Personal Story OR Best Erotic/Sexual Piece (Not sure--will let chanson decide.)
I Hate To Say It But I Owe Dr. Laura -- Miss O, ExMormon Mavens

And congratulations to J. Seth Anderson and Michael Ferguson for being named X-Mormons of the Year!

The Annual Super Bowl/Brodie Award Post

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Yet another sin-filled Fast Sunday and/or why we have them.

Dear Abbottsville Fourth,

Once again, while you were sitting half-starved in Fast and Testimony Meeting, apologizing to everyone you've offended and promising yourselves you wouldn't cry, the San Francisco Post-Mormons were living it up in the City! This time at a Super Bowl party at our house!

The main dish, Julia Child's Boeuf Bourguignon, was prepared ahead of time by the Ecole Des 3 Gourmandes, aka Sarah, Eric and me.

Sarah drying the beef

Eric assembling the stew

Then there was the usual lightmindedness, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the self-appointed.

Brace yourself A-4 for some of the most evil and unnatural images you have ever witnessed!

Also there was drinking:

Blurred image thanks to blurred condition of photographer and her subjects

Over the years my dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward have posed the question, "Why do Ex-Mormons have get togethers?" I actually get that from people who have never been Mormon too, but for an entirely different reason. 

In the case of the LDS believer, the question is rhetorical and not worth the effort of an answer. Every good Mormon in the A-4 already knows that the San Francisco Post-Mormons are card-carrying members of Satan's minions who have banded together to destroy the one and only true church!

One of these minions left her coat at my house

But for the individuals who come from healthy, mainstream religious traditions, the question is sincere, although the answer is somewhat bizarre. You see, there are an alarming number of believing Mormons who cannot fathom the idea of a responsible, thinking adult making a conscientious decision to leave the LDS Church. He/she must be a card-carrying member of Satan's minions who ... well, you get it.

This is also why so many Ex-Mormons write books and blogs. Which is why every year Main Street Plaza hosts the Brodie's!! Ward Gossip has been nominated again in several categories. Even more exciting, my novel, The Girls From Fourth Ward, has been nominated for best LDS themed fiction book!

Also nominated are the talented writers and artists at A Post-Mormon Life, The Gay Dot, ExMormon Reddit, ExMormon Hymnal, Runtu's Rincon, Wheat and Tares, The LDS Stake President, Irresistable (Dis)grace, Letters from A Broad, FLAK, Feminist Mormon Housewives, ExMormon Mavens, The Cotton Floozy, Polygamy Chic, and too many more to mention!

If you haven't already go HERE and vote in the Brodies! But hurry, polls close today, February 5, at 4:00 p.m. PST (February 6, 1:00 a.m. Swiss time).
  

Why My Brodie Award Way Outranks My Young Women's Recognition

To: The wonderful people who read my blog

From: Donna Banta

Subject: Being an ex-Mormon Rocks!

Rewind back 15 or so years to when I was a miserable Mormon:

I spent hours doing my Primary calling, going Visiting Teaching, preparing Homemaking Dinners, sitting through temple sessions, etc. and received no recognition whatsoever.

Fast forward to May, 2011 when I am a happy ex-Mormon:

Mark and I threw a party for the SF Bay Area postmormons, where we barbecued, broke the Word of Wisdom, and belted out drunken karaoke. I wrote about it, and ended up winning a Brodie Award!! One of the many reasons being an ex-Mormon rocks!

Thanks to Chanson and Main Street Plaza for hosting the awards again this year. Also, thanks to those of you who voted.

Here's my winning post, originally published on May 19, 2011. God that was a fun night -- and a really bad movie...

Saturday's Warrior is a Load of Crap

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Donna Banta

Subject: A postmormon review of Saturday's Warrior

Recently LDS Church spokesperson, Michael Otterson, penned a scathing review of the Book of Mormon on Broadway. In it he disparaged believing Mormons who saw and enjoyed the show, then went on to lament the bad PR the musical will bring the church, worrying not so much about "when people laugh, but when they take it seriously."

So, in the spirit of fair play, and out of respect for the believing Mormons who have seen and enjoyed The Book of Mormon on Broadway, the San Francisco postmormons decided to have a screening of God's Other Favorite Musical, Saturday's Warrior!!!

Last weekend Mark fired up our grill for yet another great exmormon event. Dodgy weather made it a tough commute for some, especially those in the East Bay, as the Bay Bridge was packed with limos filled with hyperactive prom goers. But once everyone arrived at our house, we opened the wine/beer/etc, and enjoyed our usual super-yummy potluck fare. (Some habits never die.) Afterward we retired downstairs for a viewing of the 2000 film version of the production.

Saturday's Warrior begins in the billowy clouds of heaven where we meet:

Julie and Tod: gooey young lovers who can't wait to gain physical bodies.

The Flinders Siblings

Pam: a sweet spirit who wants to be a dancer when she goes down to earth.

Jimmy: Pam's twin who is destined to "go astray."

Julie: the dewy ingenue, and Tod's main squeeze.

[Four insignificant middle children]

Emily: the adorable youngest child who will probably have to die because Jimmy is so selfish.

The Missionaries

Elders Kestler and Green: a couple of self-righteous, hubris-infused chuckleheads who ring surprisingly true to life.

Once the above are introduced through a few catchy tunes, sappy lyrics and beginning ballet choreography, a bossy temple matron prods the characters to get in line to go down to earth -- lest they miss their appointed time and, instead of going to a righteous Utah Mormon household, they wind up in some terrible place like Uganda or Madagascar. Then an even darker scenario is introduced; that is, the chance they won't go to earth at all, because of a grievous and unmentionable sin.

In my recent review, The Book of Mormon is True!, I wrote, "because the show (The Book of Mormon) begins with the premise that all Mormon boys are expected to go on missions, the audience immediately sympathizes with the two main characters in spite of their foibles." 

Employing a similar logic, because Saturday's Warrior begins with the premise that humans arrive (or don't arrive) in their earthly situations according to the aforementioned scenario, the audience immediately concludes that God is an unfair, racist asshole so intent on controlling His children that He will even stoop to blaming a kid for his little sister's death.

While the first 7 of the 8 Flinders children do land safely on earth, things don't exactly turn out as planned. Jimmy, a good looking high school kid, selfishly chooses to behave like a teenager. Jimmy's twin sister Pam, who wanted to be the dancer, ends up in a wheelchair. (No doubt thanks to some prenatal indiscretion by Jimmy.) Julie, while attractive, turns out to be a fickle ditz with the personality of a postage stamp, and a wardrobe that belongs back at the compound on the show, "Big Love." The four middle children remain insignificant, and Emily remains in heaven wondering if she will ever be born. (Also thanks to Jimmy.)

Down on earth, we arrive at the airport with Julie, her then boyfriend, Elder Kestler, and some other missionaries and BYU coeds who sing an annoying version of "Will I Wait For You?" and perform a self-conscious dance routine that is obviously designed to keep them from wiggling their tushes and exposing their knees.

Meanwhile, Jimmy is tired of singing along to "Daddy's Nose" with the family, prefers hanging out with his friends, and claims to want "plain ordinary freedom to pursue my own goals." This shocking behavior is explained through the "Zero Population" number sung by Jimmy and a bunch of mid-drift baring delinquents who lounge around a dorky looking dune buggy and dream of a day when abortion is legal. (Even though . . . it is legal.)

Thoroughly brainwashed by the Planned Parenthood gang, Jimmy flips out when he discovers his mother is pregnant, and demands she have an abortion. Mom  -- strike that -- Dad refuses, so Jimmy runs away from home. As a result, Mrs. Flinders becomes so distraught that she has a miscarriage, making Jimmy a murderer.

Then Julie finds another guy and dumps poor Elder Kestler via the production's show stopper, "He's Just a Friend/Dear John," a peppy number that alternates between a G-Rated bump and grind featuring Julie and her sisters, and a chorus line of male missionaries who perform an awkward routine that makes them look like dogs relieving themselves along a row of hydrants. (Forget the feminists and gays, the ones the Brethren should really go after are the choreographers.)

Back to Jimmy who arrives somewhere in SoCal for a "Summer of Fair Weather" with the protected sex crowd. We are left to speculate how they support themselves. -- Pushing illegal condoms perhaps? (According to the postmormon Anagrammy, that detail is in the Director's Cut.) Jimmy's holiday ends, however, when the family calls to tell him his beloved twin sister, Pam, has died. -- That's right Jimmy, now you're guilty of double murder.

Up in heaven, we see Pam dancing around with little Emily in her arms. She comforts her unborn sister by telling her that life is just a blip, a meaningless and insignificant moment. (A line that might be more aptly delivered by one of the evil pro-choicers . . . but I digress.)

We then return to Elder Kestler who has just paired up with Elder Green. They come across Tod, a chain-smoking non-member who spends his days moping around the park because he doesn't have a "cause to die for." The elders teach him the gospel, he gleefully gives up smoking, and gets baptized. -- Meaning he can now look forward to feeling dead everyday for the rest of his life.

Julie, who has broken up with her fiance, decides she wants Elder Kestler back. So she slips into a dress that resembles a denim grocery sack and goes to the airport to welcome him home. But, as fate would have it, she instead falls for Tod, whom Kestler has brought back with him. The two lovers reunite by singing the same duet they sang in the pre-life, only this time with an obvious appreciation of each other's physical body. (Not that he can admire any of her charms under that ridiculous dress.)

Finally Jimmy sees the error of his ways, shakes off the safe sex crowd, and returns home so that little Emily can finally be born. 

And all is right in Mormondom.

In the case of Saturday's Warrior, I find myself echoing Otterson. I worry about the guilt-ridden souls who take this shit seriously. Of course, that wasn't an issue for the postmormons. We pretty much laughed through the whole thing. And when we saw that there was a karaoke option on the Main Menu -- OMG! Suffice to say that Steve's tequila fueled aria was our evening's show stopper.

So how does the work of Matt Stone and Trey Parker compare to that of Lex de Azevedo? 

Let's see. The Book of Mormon is a fun romp that never takes itself seriously. It has earned stellar reviews, 14 Tony nominations, is set for a nation-wide tour, and has been the subject of many thoughtful articles and discussions about faith in America.

Saturday's Warrior is a tiresome screed (with catchy tunes) that takes itself too seriously. It has earned no recognition outside of Mormonism, is on tour in LDS ward cultural halls, and is the subject of exmormon karaoke parties. This all leaves me to conclude:

The Book of Mormon is true

and

Saturday's Warrior is a load of crap

(in the name of cheese and rice amen)

The Annual Brodies/Superbowl/Atheists Post

To: The Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: The Brodies and other things

Once again, Chanson at Main Street Plaza is hosting the annual Brodie Awards for excellence in Mormon-themed blogging. The nominees are all top-notch authors and artists from cool sites such as: Letters From A Broad, Picaresque, The Cognitive Dissenter, The Republic of Gilead, Polygamy Chic, Only A Little Sugar Coated, The (Mormon) Stake President's Blog, White and Delightsome (yes!) and Ward Gossip (if I do say so myself.)

-- And many more great blogs that I'm leaving out because I'm burning out on linking. Man, how does Chanson do that column of hers every week?

Polls close February 16, 2012, 22:22 Central European Time

Please Vote!

Also, tomorrow the San Francisco Bay Area Post-Mormons are holding their annual Superbowl Party! (Oh Christ, more links.) Everyone's welcome!

**Psst, that means you, members of the Abbottsville Fourth. Admit it, you dream of a day when you don't have to sneak into a church bathroom stall and check the score on your smart phone. Come hang with us instead. -- You know you want to. One of you actually did, and lived to tell about it. ;-) 

And finally, for my all my fellow heretics and football worshipers, may you celebrate tomorrow's high holy day in your underpants:

 

Ward Gossip Enters Its Terrible Twos

To: The wonderful people who read my blog
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Ward Gossip turns two!

Two years ago I began publishing the e-mails from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward. Since then I have received 832 comments from readers. I have appreciated every one. Many of the comments have come from fellow bloggers in my excellent blogroll that I hope to expand in the coming year. Right now, I'd like to specifically boast about a few very talented bloggers to whom I am especially grateful:

My brilliant friend Jennifer who writes The Cognitive Dissenter and is my partner on White and Delightsome.
Ahab, who keeps a wary eye on the Religious Right at The Republic of Gilead.
Just Zena whose Random Fartings of a Gaseous Mind are actually a breath of fresh air.
Nance who takes time out from her musings on religion and politics at Mature Landscaping to read my juvenile blog.
Paul Sunstone who I wish would get back to posting on Cafe Philos.
Ditto to InsanaD at Kori-whore's Double D's.
Diane Tingen who casts a spotlight on Mormonism at Mormon Schism.
C.L. Hanson who writes Letters from a broad, and has linked Ward Gossip to her Sunday Outer Blogness column on MSP more times than I probably deserve. (I finally ordered her book ExMormon from Amazon and it arrived today!!)
Chino Blanco from MSP and LdC and Carla at Life as a Reader, who both nominated me for Brodie awards. A huge compliment, since I am big fans of them both.

The other deserving bloggers whom I accidentally left off the above list. Please reprimand me in the comment field!

Also in honor of this anniversary and as a tribute to how I've dwindled my free time for yet another year, I bring you the year in review:

I'm so confused!

We began in October when Boyd K. Packer's homophobic and borderline insane ramblings during the LDS General Conference provided me with the material for a post that ended up winning the prestigious Brodie Award. I can't thank him enough, or to paraphrase Trey Parker, "You did it Boyd, you got the Brodie!"

In November we met Elder Young for the first time!!!:))))

I also eulogized the great Leslie Nielson with a take on how Lt. Drebin's temple endowment session may have gone:

Lieutenant Drebin takes an unassuming seat some three rows back from the altar. The officiator dims the lights and begins the film. Only instead of God creating the universe, we get The Three Stooges bonking each other on the head. Drebin leaps from his seat, rushes up the aisle, knocks over the officiator, and begins fooling with the knobs behind the altar. The lights flicker on and off, the curtains go up and down, and The Three Stooges keep bonking each other. Then the altar explodes and sends Drebin flying through the veil and into the Celestial Room where he dangles from the crystal chandelier. The chandelier crashes down, the player piano blares from the speakers, and Drebin careens through the temple on a madcap romp that ends when he knocks the temple matron into the baptismal font, just after accidentally ripping off her dress.

In December President Knightly announced the reinstatement of the Stake Single Adult Program!**
**Pending the completion of the following requirements:

• Obtain a temple recommend or complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire
• Fulfill your usual assignment at the Stake Family Christmas Party. That is, set up, serve dinner, man the nursery, and clean up afterwards.
• Attend tithing settlement. (Remember to bring your tax return!)
• Resolve to be married by the end of 2011.

January's highlight was the release of another inspiring "And I'm a Mormon" ad featuring Julia who proudly boasted:

I'm a toy coordinator, a librarian, a craftswoman, a gourmet chef, a mentor, and a toilet scrubber.

My name is Julia Vincent.

And I work at Walmart.   

And I'm a Mormon.

Then February rolled around and we met Brother Bull Barton, the Ward Preparedness Specialist, who raised the Ward Threat Level to Orange and urged the members to have the following on hand:

Hazmat suits -- 2 per family member

Hand guns -- 2 per family member

Ammunition -- you can never have enough

Duct tape -- 4 rolls per family member

Consecrated oil -- 1 gallon per family member

Scriptures, The Ensign, dominoes, Yahtzee, Twister, and other amusements to help pass time in the bunker.

In March, an alarming incident occurred inside the Abbottsville temple when Brother Wilbur Simmons accidentally hit the fast forward button on the temple video and spun the room into chaos.

Only the best of feelings should exist
within the prayer circle.

"The prayer circle got nasty," said Sister Lee Ann Hargen of the Abbottsville First Ward. "There was a lot of rough and tumble Patriarchal Gripping. Also, some obscene gesturing with the Sign of the Nail."

Also, I paid tribute to my wonderful husband on his birthday, with a retrospective on his life before and after he left the LDS Church.

Then in April I discovered that The Book of Mormon is true! That is, when I finally got to see the real thing on Broadway -- thanks to our amazing friend, Olivia, who got us tickets, and David, who got us reservations at some of Manhattan's finest eateries!


In May I reviewed the film version of God's other favorite musical, Saturday's Warrior. Here is an excerpt:

"He's Just a Friend/Dear John," (is) a peppy number that alternates between a G-Rated bump and grind featuring Julie and her sisters, and a chorus line of male missionaries who perform an awkward routine that makes them look like dogs relieving themselves along a row of hydrants. (Forget the feminists and gays, the ones the Brethren should really go after are the choreographers.)

In front of Jane Austen's
brother's house in Chelsea

At the beginning of June the Abbottsville Fourth Ward's email temporarily went into spam while I visited Emily in London. 

Later that month, I again eulogized another great actor, Peter Falk. This time, I imagined how Columbo might have investigated a murder involving the LDS Church Authorities:


Columbo: Say President (Monson), you don't happen to have a light, do you?
President: We don't smoke, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Oh I'm sorry, sir, I had no idea. How rude of me. . . . Now, my wife, she would've known that, see, because she has some nice Mormon friends in Vegas. She meets up with them whenever she goes there to gamble.


July turned out to be a very busy month because Jennifer (The Cognitive Dissenter) and I debuted our new blog, White and Delightsome.
Also, President Knightly listed several reasons why people just can't leave the Mormons alone. Among them:

They're bored.

When's the last time you met a non-member who actually had a life? While we're going to church, doing our home teaching and visiting teaching, cleaning the ward toilets, and otherwise standing for righteousness, they're spending their time watching porn and chugging malt liquor.When the liquor finally runs out, they've no other option than to pick on the poor defenseless Mormons who've never done a thing to them.


Finally, in August, Mark Crawford gave his martini-infused take on The Fourteen Fundamentals for Following the Prophet. For example:

1. The prophet is the only man who speaks for the Lord in everything. -- The prophet speaks for everyone, including God.

2. The living prophet is more vital to us than the standard works. -- If you listen to the prophet you shouldn't read the Bible, or anything else for that matter.

3. The living prophet is more important to us than a dead prophet. -- With the exception of the dead prophet who compiled this list.

4. The prophet will never lead the church astray. -- Four martinis a piece, and we still couldn't come up with a way to improve on that one.

And here we are in September 2011 -- two years and 116 posts since Ward Gossip began -- and the Abbottsville Fourth still hasn't taken me off of its email list. Tell me, dear readers, is there a particular ward member you would like to hear more from? Or a topic you might like to explore? While I don't pretend to have any clout with my former priesthood leaders, I could send them a suggestion or two. -- Anything for my wonderful readers.