Enthusiasm Builds Around Romney's Third Candidacy

Romney's Base Urges Him to Run in 2016
The Salt Lake News -- published January 16, 2015

SALT LAKE CITY -- Excitement was high at the after-party for an LDS VIP screening of Meet the Mormons this past Tuesday. Mitt Romney had recently announced that he was considering another run for the presidency -- and his loyal followers couldn't be more thrilled.

"There's no doubt that the Brethren's inspired PR efforts have energized Romney's base," church spokesperson, Wilford Delacorte said, referring to the aforementioned feature-length documentary as well as the recent essay touting the prophet Joseph Smith's numerous accomplishments. "Now we're turning the time over to Mitt."

It would appear that Republicans throughout Romney Country share Delacorte's enthusiasm.

"We're on fire down here in Utah Valley," Delores Rudd, a Republican operative from Orem, declared. "He's our one and only true candidate."

But GOP officials outside the boundaries of the former governor's influence remain skeptical about a third Romney bid, claiming the candidate failed to connect with average voters or even fellow Republicans.

"By Romney's own admission, he doesn't care about the votes of 47% of the electorate," Camilla Franklin, a Republican fund raiser from Minnesota, complained. "He boasted that his wife owned a 'couple of Cadillacs' and challenged Rick Perry to a $10,000 bet. Who are this loser's base and what flavor Kool-Aid are they drinking?"

Iowa Republican strategist, Wilbur Lumley, is also baffled by the solidarity of the Romney base. "Mitt seems like a nice guy and all. But he lost miserably. I don't get these people who call him their 'one and only true candidate.' What do they even mean by that?"

Bristling at the criticism, Ms. Rudd countered, "I understand there are elements in the nonmember wing of the party who fear that it will be a repeat of 2012. But that's only because they don't understand the doctrine of continuing revelation. Mitt's totally in tune with what's trending. In 2016, the screen on his Etch-A-Sketch will be completely refreshed."

In a recent interview with The Salt Lake News, Heber G. Sneed, a political science professor from the University of Utah and former Jon Huntsman supporter, summarized Romney's unique position in the potential Republican field.

"In order to secure a base," Sneed explained. "The other Republican hopefuls have to appeal to the Tea Party or to the Christian Right, or to Wall Street, all of whom have substantial ideological agendas. But Romney's base is the Mormons, and the only thing on their agenda is winning. That gives Mitt a distinct advantage."

LDS Spokesperson Delacorte echoed Sneed's optimism. "Mark my words. Come January 20, 2017, Mitt Romney will take the oath of office and then, facing the entire world, proudly announce:

I'm president of the United States . . . and I'm a Mormon."

______________________

--In other news, yet another Mormon is set to be excommunicated over his support for same-sex marriage and the ordination of women. John Dehlin, host of Mormon Stories is scheduled to appear before an LDS Church disciplinary council on January 25, 2015. Read more here. 

Also, if you haven't already, head over to Main Street Plaza to vote for X-Mormon of the Year and nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for a Brodie Award!

Fielding Those Pesky FAQ's

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley, Ward Mission Leader
Subject: Setting the record straight

As we head into 2012, the Romney and Huntsman candidacies promise to bring more scrutiny of the LDS Church. Unfortunately, this may lead to the spreading of many lies and misconceptions. So, now more than ever, it is essential that we are prepared to answer all of those Frequently Asked Questions. For example:

Do the Mormons really believe that God lives on a planet named Kolob?

Answer...

No. That is a complete misconception. Kolob isn't a planet at all. It is a star near the planet that God lives on.

Do the Mormons practice polygamy?

Answer...

No again. That is a bald faced lie. In fact, polygamy isn't even doctrine. Except for that part in the Doctrine and Covenants about how righteous Mormon men go on to become gods who impregnate hundreds of wives and populate their own planets.

Are the Mormons Christians?

Answer... 

Yes! In fact the Mormon Church is the only true Christian church. That is because we believe God flew from His planet (not Kolob) to our planet (Earth) and had sex with another man's wife (Mary) who then gave birth to His literal son, Jesus -- who went on to have His own plural wives and planet.

Also because we call ourselves The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints.

Are Blacks given equal status in the Mormon Church?

Answer... 

Absolutely! Now that God has forgiven them for their cowardly conduct in the Pre-Existence, the descendants of Cain are entitled to all of the blessings of the Priesthood. So long as they are male, straight, and don't get too far above themselves.

What is the Mormon Church's stand on Same Sex Marriage?

Answer... 

Same Sex Marriage is a strange, perverted and bizarre practice that is at odds with Heavenly Father's definition of traditional marriage. That is, that marriage is between one man and hundreds of women who help Him populate his planet. (Not Kolob.)

When will Mormon women be given the Priesthood?

 Answer... 

When pigs fly.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails click here.


***Note from blog owner: No offense to Brother Turley, but I think Justin is a far better spokesman. Only those nit-picky admins on mormon.org took down his profile. -- WTF?

What blessings can you receive from reading the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and other scriptures?

Justin answered...

About the same blessings you get from reading The Lord of the Rings or any other work of fiction.

And I'm A Mormon

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Show them our success


As many of you know, our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed the members to convince the world that the Mormon Church is a nurturing member-centric organization that prepares people to lead independent and fulfilling lives. Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has invested in an ad campaign that profiles successful yet edgier Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to forward the message below to all of your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.  

Hi, I'm Julia

When I started coming out to church, the bishop assigned me to the ward nursery. At first it was a challenge. But the Primary President gave me a great pep talk, and pretty soon I was in charge of the entire toy box, acquiring the organizational skills so necessary for my advancement and self esteem.


Soon I moved on to the ward library, where I developed an expertise in high tech media and scholarly texts.


After that I was called to the Homemaking Committee. My Relief Society President granted me stewardship of the glue gun. I made all kinds of adorable padded picture frames.

Next I served as Compassionate Service Leader, and prepared at least 200 casseroles, 300 Jell-O salads, and an infinite number of Rice Krispie Treats.


Then I was promoted to the position of Young Women's President, which is where I am now, preparing our future leaders. Tonight the girls and I are holding a clean the ward restrooms activity.


I'm a toy coordinator, a librarian, a craftswoman, a gourmet chef, a mentor, and a toilet scrubber.


My name is Julia Vincent.


And I work at Walmart.   
And I'm a Mormon.


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you an audio version of one of our library's scholarly texts.