New PR Campaign to Precede Next Essay

LDS Church Leaders Plan Next PR Blitz 
Salt Lake News -- published November 21, 2014

Drawing on what they consider to be a successful response to their recent essay, Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo, the Brethren have approved the roll out of yet another monthlong PR campaign, this time in preparation for their next topical essay: A Complete Disclosure of LDS Church Finances. 

"We were worried about how the plural marriage essay was going to be received," said church spokesperson, Leonard George. "Then the General Authorities came up with this member-driven ad campaign. It was brilliant, really." 

"Sure, the average church member was sorry to learn that our founding prophet was guilty of polygamy, polyandry, adultery and statutory rape," George admitted. "But it was so much easier for him to put all of that aside after he'd spent the month boasting online about his church affiliation and plugging a feature length documentary about us. The Brethren figure the members will need the same kind of incentive before they learn where their money really goes."

Details of the advertising effort have not yet been released. But inside sources say members will again be called upon to change their social media status to another en masse meme such as, "I'm a Mormon and I Tithe." 

Also production has begun on a new documentary, one that will focus on individual Mormons and the many sacrifices they make for their church and in their communities. 

"Just like Meet the Mormons was a timely reminder that most Latter-day Saints are monogamous, law-abiding citizens, we hope this new documentary will demonstrate how generous and ethical some of us are," George explained.

Nevertheless, there is a significant number of LDS Church members who have become disaffected with their faith after reading the revelatory essays on the official LDS website, the most recent being about Joseph Smith's womanizing.

"Frankly, we're not surprised," said George. "Some people are just easily offended and want to sin."

Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo - Additional Explanations

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Additional Explanations from the Brethren

Because there continues to be "got-ya" questions from the less faithful who frequent certain anti-Mormon websites like here and here, the Brethren have published some additional explanations for polygamy in Kirtland and Nauvoo, again employing their usual inspired logic. Read below:

Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo - 

Additional Explanations

________________________________________

Joseph Smith faced many challenges after he received the revelation to practice plural marriage. At one point, a mob, led by the brother of one of his spirit wives, dragged Joseph from his house and threatened to castrate him. The threat of castration, serious by today's standards, was considered harmless in that era, akin to a fraternity prank, or a kidnap breakfast. Joseph encountered many such mobs and knew fully well that they were just joshing. In this specific case, he was only tarred and feathered. 

In another instance, Joseph approached the bedside of a fair maiden and asked if he could sleep with her. When she declined, he reminded her that it was the will of the Lord that she succumb. When she still refused, he offered her $5.00. Rebuffed again, Joseph left her bedside, sought out the maiden's husband, and successfully exchanged 8 cows for a night with the man's wife. The story went on to become the inspiration for a popular film on the Hallmark Channel.

On June 7, 1844, the first edition of the Nauvoo Expositor criticized the practice of plural marriage. Very little was published or recorded after that as Joseph Smith declared the paper a public nuisance and ordered the press destroyed. Because of this and other similar actions by Joseph, some ambiguity will always accompany our knowledge of early Mormon polygamy. Like Joseph's spirit wives and their husbands, we "see through a glass darkly" and are asked to walk by faith.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails a mob might show up at your door and threaten to castrate you. Just joshing.

The Wisdom of Joseph Smith

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: KBYU Programming Highlight

For those of you who missed watching last night's panel of BYU Religion Instructors, here is a transcript of the KBYU program.

Panel Participants:
Homer B. Goodwin, PhD, professor of Ancient American Studies
T. Vernon Price, PhD, professor of War in Heaven Strategies
LaVar Featherstone, PhD, professor of Adamic Languages

Goodwin: Tonight we will discuss the prophet Joseph Smith. Brethren, let's begin by naming our favorite of Joseph's teachings. Dr. Price, you start.

Price: I'd say his admonition to "teach men correct principles then let them govern themselves."


Goodwin: Ah yes, Dr. Price, what an excellent concept. Joseph strongly believed in the inherent freedom of the individual.

Price: He certainly prized his own freedom.

Featherstone: Freedom is a box.

Price: Say what?


Featherstone: Freedom is a box. (outlines a square with his index fingers) A box.

Goodwin: I see, Dr. Featherstone. Very sage. Very sage indeed.

Price: I still don't get it.


Goodwin: Let's move on. The prophet Joseph also taught that the path to freedom is found through obedience.

Price: True. He obeyed his Heavenly Father's every command, even when it meant cheating on his wife, swindling his neighbor, breaking the law, and violating every code of common decency.

Goodwin: Imagine the sacrifice Joseph made when he obeyed the doctrine of plural marriage. He took on a huge burden. Some of the girls were quite young.

Price: (nods) Teenagers.

Goodwin: And don't forget he also married other men's wives. Think of the courage! Why, he could have been killed by a number of jealous husbands.

Price: Got to admit, the man had guts, not to mention stamina -- 41 wives in total.

Goodwin: I thought 33.

Price: Well now, let's see. (counts off on his fingers) There was Fanny, Lucinda, Louisa, Zina, Presendia, Vienna . . .

Goodwin: (raises his hands to a halt) We can't be sure about Vienna. I mean, yes, there is evidence of some flirtation, maybe even fondling . . .

Price: No, I'm pretty sure they went all the way.

Goodwin: Based on what?


Price: She lived in his house.

Goodwin: Just because a woman lived in Joseph's house doesn't mean she was sleeping with him.

Price: You're kidding, right?

Goodwin: Good point.

Price: The number of women doesn't really matter. The important thing is, when the spirit prompted him, he rose to the occasion.

Goodwin: Exactly. He was the picture of obedience.

Featherstone: Obedience is a closet.

Goodwin: Pure genius Dr. Featherstone! Pure genius!

Price: What the [expletive deleted] does that mean?

Goodwin: Let's go on. One thing that amazes me about Joseph Smith is that he had no example, no one to teach him how to be a prophet.


Price: He was an original, all right.


Goodwin: Completely on his own, with only the spirit to guide him.

Price: It's like he made it up as he went along.

Goodwin: Indeed he did, and thanks to him we are now members of an organization that will bring us eternal happiness.

Featherstone: Happiness is a nail.

Goodwin: Ah, what perspicacity! 

Price: Featherstone have you been smoking [deleted]?


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails we'll assume you've been smoking [deleted].

And I'm A (Mormon) Christian!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: 'Tis the season for PR!

Our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed us to use the Christmas Season to remind the world that Mormons are a diverse group of hard-working do-gooders like all other CHRISTIANS.

Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has continued to invest in an ad campaign that profiles successful, "hip and edgy" Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to include the message below in your holiday greetings to your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.

Hi, I'm Lucas,

I'm one of the 100 richest men in San Francisco. 


I own a company that cleans up oil slicks. Even during a recession, I'm always in demand!

This Christmas, I plan on giving back by donating all my old clothes to Good Will, then going to the mall and buying new ones.


As a devout CHRISTIAN, my favorite pastimes are reciting the Lord's Prayer and reading the King James Version of the Bible.

Only 2 tubs on the beach for now ...

I have been married for thirty years to ONE woman.


We have four children. They also love reading the King James Version of the Bible.

The Fab Four

On the weekends my buddies and I perform at a little club on Mission Street. 


We're a diverse group. And when we get going, we're smokin' hot.

I put my garments back on as soon as
I'm done

After that we take in the sights, and, if it's warm enough, we stop at one of San Francisco's nude beaches.

I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a CHRISTIAN, a musician, and a monogamist. I have a King James Version of the Bible, and a oil clean-up rig capable of igniting the Pacific Ocean. I'm a husband, a father, and a nudist. 


My name is Lucas Tweedy,

and I'm a Mormon.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, click here.

Are You A Real Mormon?

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Former Stake President Stan Taylor
Subject: My Education Week

My first day at BYU Education Week began with a recitation by Brother Maddox who has committed the entire Book of Mormon to memory. After that a BYU history professor taught me that every prominent U.S. statesman was secretly a Mormon. Next I heard from Sister JayNeen Sorenson who claimed to love the Gospel, but made living it sound like a prolonged rectal exam. I broke for an uninspiring meal at the Cougareat, then listened to a millennialist whose predictions on global warming made Al Gore's documentary seem comforting. Finally I sat through a fiery political screed delivered by a fanatical kook who also happened to co-author the Republican mid-term platform.

In other words, it was business as usual at BYU. Same stale syllabus. Same stale teachers. Same stale lessons on what rather than how to think.

Then after viewing an agonizingly insipid production entitled, Annie Get Your Garments, I heard a voice from my past call to me in the lobby. He was bald now, and rounder in the middle, but the banana shaped birth mark on his cheek was a dead give-away.

"I'll be darned, if it isn't cousin Warren."

"Stan Taylor, I haven't seen you since Grandma died." 

Visits with my cousins at Grandma's house in St. George were among my fondest childhood memories, but not because of Warren. I passed most of my time with Warren's sister, Elsie. After hundreds of attempts, I never could beat her at chess.

"How's that chess champion sister of yours?"

Warren shook his head. "Elsie's not with us anymore."

"She died?"

"She's down in Hildale/Colorado City," he whispered.

"She's a polygamist?" I cried.

The people around us turned and stared. Warren grabbed my arm, pulled me into the corner, and begged me to lower my voice. I looked around at the crowd of strangers.

"What's the matter, Warren, do you know any of these people?"

"I know that they're Real Mormons, not . . . what you just said."

"Real Mormons? What the devil does that mean?" 

 "Well, you know what bad press we've gotten, what with those weirdos down there in Colorado City, plus all the ex-Mormons and their bitter "anti" websites."

"One of those weirdos is your sister."

He handed me a business card. "I've started my own pro-Mormon website, you know, to educate."

I looked at the card, then at him, then back at the card.

RealMormons.org 

a place for common everyday Mormons 

The next morning I packed my suitcase and checked out of my motel. As a retired LDS Institute director, I was no longer required to attend all of BYU Education Week. Besides, I'd had my fill of Real Mormons. I loaded up the car and headed toward Hildale/Colorado City.

I drove down I-15 past a string of Mormon communities, their LDS chapels visible from the road. Nowadays the meetinghouses had shiny white steeples perched awkwardly atop their roofs, evidence of the Church's attempt to appear mainstream. Ironically, around the same time the LDS Church invested in these decorations, they cut the budget for the ward janitorial staffs. Typical of the Brethren. Use all the resources on the Church's outward appearance, and none on the people within its ranks. 

The population dwindled as I drove, and the landscape grew more barren. It felt quiet and comforting, like the corner of Grandma's house where Elsie and I played chess. Finally I came to my destination, the tiny hamlet at the foot of Mount Canaan.

Like Faulkner said, "The past isn't dead, it isn't even past." 

I stopped in The Merry Wives Cafe and ordered an uninspiring meal. The conversation buzzed around me. A man on my left quoted the Pearl of Great Price from memory. Behind me some FLDS brethren discussed the attributes of Abraham Lincoln's plural wives. A group of women claimed to love living the principle, then talked as though plural marriage was one long colonoscopy. Yet another group spoke wistfully of the approaching Armageddon.

When the waitress brought my food, I asked her about my cousin.

"You might be talking about Grandma Elsie," she replied. "Write down your name and I'll call her and see if she knows you."

The homes were partially constructed and poorly engineered

A half hour later I was on the road to my cousin's house for another game of chess. All the way a white Ford F-350 hugged my bumper. I found the address, parked, and walked back to my escort's truck. A hard-eyed man with a crew cut rolled down his window. I smiled at him.

"I'm here to visit my cousin Elsie."

His face softened. "You give her my best," he said, and drove off.

Elsie received me in her attic room at a table set with a chess board and two glasses of homemade lemonade. A Book of Mormon sat on a neighboring shelf. The same edition sat on the shelf in my home, as it did in the home of some ex-Mormons whose party I attended recently.

The game went as it always had. Elsie made her moves with swiftness and authority, then waited impatiently while I hemmed and hawed over mine.

"So Warren told you where I was," she said.

"Saw him last night."

"Oh yeah? Does he still have that mark on his face that looks like a penis?"

"'Fraid so. Tell me, Elsie, why did you leave the mainstream church?"

"I didn't leave it, it left me. What with all their changing to look like everyone else. Have you seen those infernal steeples they've slapped on their buildings?"

"Yup."

"Might as well be Baptists. Bet my brother Warren thinks it's all just dandy."

"He has a new website." I gave her the card.

"Common, everyday Mormons. HA! There's nothing common about me," she said, then slid her queen across the board. "Checkmate." 

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you the DVD version of Brother Maddox's recitation of The Book of Mormon.

  

San Francisco Post-Mormons Critique 8: The Mormon Proposition

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Former Stake President Stan Taylor
Subject: My Evening with the post-Mormons

When faced with the choice of attending the post-Mormon gathering at the Ferry Building or the ward Break the Fast, I dutifully chose this:

Later, instead of joining the ex-Mormons at the Round-up Saloon in Lafayette, I opted for the inspired ward fashion show. The result? I missed meeting two of the three Nephites.

(Nephite #2 ended up bailing on the ward fashion show to join the ex-Mormons, and believe me, we still needed his help!)

So when I was invited to last Saturday's post-Mormon screening of 8: The Mormon Proposition, I said, "To Helena with the ward Mop the Meetinghouse Party, I'm hanging with the exmo's tonight!"

Ex-Mormon demonstrates "There's always room for Jell-O"

Have to admit, I was nervous when I knocked on the door. But the gang immediately showed me to a cushy chair, supplied me with a plate of food and a non-alcoholic beer, then resumed their lively exchange. Without going into too much detail, the course of conversation was irreverent, and probably offensive to even the thicker-skinned believing Mormons. Fortunately, I have the hide of an elephant, and enjoyed every minute. I can't remember the last time I felt free to discuss things like science, art, and ancient American history.

Much less engage in loud laughter.

The film was both well-done and heart breaking, enough so to penetrate my old elephant's hide. I confess, I participated in some evil speaking of the Lord's anointed.

Ex-Mormons salute President Monson

There are many infuriating aspects to the Mormon Church's campaign against gay marriage. But as a retired LDS Institute Director, I can't help but look at this from a historical perspective. In the nineteenth century, the Mormons fled to Utah so they could be free to pursue their own definition of marriage. Now the Utah-based LDS Church seeks to impose its current definition of marriage on the entire country, if not the world.

It is no wonder so many wards and stakes are shrinking. Nobody, not even the faithful, want to be associated with such hubris. As the film points out, during the weeks leading up to the 2008 election, backlash against the church was so intense that pro-Prop 8 campaign workers were told not to wear white shirts and ties while canvassing -- so as not to look like Mormons.

Perhaps recent negative reactions from the members and the press will inspire church leaders to alter their message. To emphasize agency rather than obedience, unconditional love rather than punishment. But I'm not betting on it. While I admire those who try, as a former church employee, I know the frustration of attempting to change the church from within.

If history is any guide, the LDS Church won't loosen its grip on the members. Paradoxically, as the Mormons have expanded their influence in the world, they've narrowed their definition of what it means to be one. First the church shunned people who opposed polygamy, later those who practiced it. Since then they have shunned blacks, intellectuals, feminists, and gays. Also people with tattoos, piercings, short skirts, and beards. Today being Mormon means not going to R-rated movies, not drinking a Coke, not masturbating, not having sex outside of marriage (as defined by the church,) and not minding one on one interrogations from church officials on these subjects. If the leaders in Salt Lake continue this trend, they'll have nothing left, except the white shirts and ties.

Lucky for us, there were plenty of left-overs to take home.

Back in the day, when a person left the church, he disappeared, never to be heard from again. That's no longer the case. Ex-Mormons are telling their stories on websites, bulletin boards and blogs. While thin-skinned Mormons continue to claim people who've left were offended or want to sin, the rest of the world sees people who want to think for themselves, live authentic lives, and occasionally have fun.

Today's Puzzle: How many sins is this man committing? Whoever names the most wins a pencil.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you Nephite #2's secret Jell-O recipe.

LDS Stake Single Adults Have Some 'Splaining To Do!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Temporary suspension of the Stake Single Adults program

In light of recent events, I have decided to suspend all activities until I can be assured that your excellent Single Adults Leader, Ricky Foote, will be treated with the dignity, respect, and appreciation he deserves. I understand that he is young enough to be your son, and, in fact, that one of you is his actual mother. But, as I've said before, what Ricky lacks in age, he makes up for in inspired wisdom and priesthood authority. And he is devoted to you, the brothers and sisters he looked up to as a child. He wants nothing more than to find a sweetheart for his old principal, an eternal companion for his former pediatrician, and for himself, a new step-dad. None of you should consider yourselves on par with Ricky Foote. If you were, you would be married.

As always, I am willing to listen. In the coming weeks, I will be meeting with you individually to discuss your concerns, as well as your responses to The Official Worthiness Questionnaire. Here are a few thoughts for now.

Dear Sisters,
You have e-mailed me the following:

"I'm a working mom and don't have time to decorate cars with unscrewed Oreos."

"I am happy with my life and career, and don't need to go out looking for love."

"Isn't it enough that I go to church with the a$$holes on Sunday? Must I marry one too?"

"There is no place for a single woman in the LDS faith."

The first three complaints demonstrate a serious lack of respect for the Lord's anointed, and will be better dealt with in the upcoming one on one interviews. However, I am prepared to address the final concern at present.

There is a place for single women in our faith. But it is up to you to take it! The Abbottsville Stake offers countless opportunities for you to proudly assume your divine roll. Look around. There's the ward nursery, the understocked church freezers, the interior of the Turley's Suburban, and, thanks to the Brethren's inspired decision to lay off the janitors, the ward toilets.

I call on all single sisters to tend to your duties. You may begin by removing the pudding stains from Ricky Foote's dress suit.

ATTENTION SISTERS! THE FOLLOWING IS FOR PRIESTHOOD HOLDERS ONLY!

Dear Brethren,

I feel I must take a stronger tone with you. The sisters have something of an excuse, as the priesthood has the responsibility of making the first move. So, I must ask, what the devil are you waiting for?

Brigham Young said that a single man over twenty-five is a menace to society.

In light of that knowledge, I am confused by the e-mails I have received from some of you:

"I don't want a wife or kids, and I don't have time to clean out the Turley's Suburban."

"As a 55 year old nuclear physicist, I've no interest in participating in a 'no hands pudding eating contest.'"

"I'm gay."

"The single women in the stake are either too fat, too ugly, or too bossy to go out with."

I am prepared to dismiss all but the final of these flimsy excuses.

Well of course they are. What did you expect?

If you'd been responsible, and married within six months of returning home from your mission, you'd have gotten that cute little sweet spirit before she had time to work or get fat or be educated. But you didn't did you? And you've only yourselves to blame.

Now forget the past and move onto the present. Let me point out that those cute little sweet spirits don't always stay cute. (Checked out Sister Turley lately?) Nor do they always stay sweet. (Margaret Spencer, for example.) The fact is, a lot of us married guys don't have it so great either. But we do have one advantage over you singles. That is, as married brethren, we are destined for the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom, where the eternal doctrine of plural marriage will be restored.

So I beg you, brethren, to take another look at those single sisters. Some of them aren't half bad. Plus marrying one in this life will ensure you all of these in the next:

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, the Turley Family will drop over Sunday morning to drive you to church in their Suburban.

LDS Church Public Affairs Wants YOU!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Members needed for LDS Public Affairs

We Mormons have taken some hits lately. First the Romney presidential campaign drew a barrage of questions that stumped LDS leaders, embarrassed members, and rendered the former governor incapable of composing a straight answer. At the same time, we were persecuted by left-wing extremists who claimed that our inspired leaders in Utah had no business telling Californians whom they could marry. Then Hollywood produced a film that exposed the Mormons as the perpetrators of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. -- This after years of the Church successfully blaming the Indians. Add to that, HBO created the hit show, Big Love, based on the false premise that polygamy has been practiced in Utah, and that the Mormons have had something to do with it.

In the wake of this firestorm of negative and unfair press, the Brethren have humbly and prayerfully discussed how the LDS Church can improve its relations with the non-Mormon community, and soften its image to the public. Their solution? Pass the responsibility on to the members, of course. Hence the creation of the exciting new Church Public Affairs Committee. That's right, brothers and sisters, thanks to your inspired leaders, now every member is a publicist!

President Knightly and I are in the beginning stages of staffing our Stake Public Affairs Council. In the meantime, here are some things each and every one of you can do.

Start with your neighbors.
When you see your neighbor in his front yard, don't just ignore him as usual. Say "hi," make small talk, invite him to your house for a church approved, yet sophisticated beverage. (Fizzy water with a lime wedge is nice, as is an attractive service of herbal tea.) Then steer the conversation to church promoting topics, such as your monogamous marriage, or the King James Version of the Bible. Be aware that non-members make friends differently than members, that is, over a period of time, based on common interests, and with no hidden agenda. Quickly find out what he likes to do, learn to do whatever that is, and don't invite him out to church. (Yet.) Also, next time you borrow his power saw, return it.

Share your talents.

We all received gifts in the Pre-Existence, right? Now is the time to tell the world. Don't worry about developing a real talent. Fortunately today's market no longer requires that. Anything that will land you a spot on reality TV should do the trick, such as singing, dancing, an ability to eat things that turn people's stomachs, or a personality so shallow and vapid that others will find you amusing.

Prepare yourself for interviews with the press.
As we become more visible in society, there will be the inevitable inquiries from the media. In anticipation of this, the church has comprised a list of approved journalists who respect our beliefs, share our values, and are not obsessed with the facts. But even the most sympathetic interviewer may not be able to translate our jargon to a non-member audience. What means one thing to us, may mean an entirely different thing to the world. Memorize the following substitutions:
ward  --  local congregation
bishop  --  local ecclesiastical leader
elder  --  19 year old boy
the Lord's university  --  BYU
the Lord's senator  --  Orrin Hatch
the anti-Christ  --  Secretary Clinton
whiny, bitter ingrates -- former Mormons
truth  --  opinion
revelation  --  opinion
testimony  --  opinion
persecution  --  opinion
apologetics  --  lies
prophet, seer, and revelator  --  chief executive officer
church  --  corporation


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you need a translator.

Post-Mormon "Conference" at the San Francisco Ferry Building -- Visitors Welcome

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Psst! Abbottsville Fourth Ward, are you bored with General Conference yet?

Think how you'll feel this time tomorrow. Turn off your TV sets and come to the Post-Mormon "conference" instead.

You know you want to.

There will be a resurrection reenactment as promised, and we need more women to play Joseph Smith's wives.

See you there!