Celebrating The Season -- Mormon Style

Note to my dear Readers: this post was originally published on December 15, 2009 when the only people reading my blog were either family members or people who owed me money. I trotted it out for a second run in the hope that more might enjoy it, also so I could have a little break to eat, drink, be merry, and hopefully gain some inspiration. Enjoy and happy holidays!


To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Activities Committee
Subject: Holiday Calendar

As Christmas approaches, we remind all in the ward to honor our Savior by attending the following:

Saturday, December 19, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Relief Society Craft Extravaganza. Sisters will make Palmyra nativity scenes and Angel Moroni tree toppers.

Sunday, December 20, 7:00 PM, Stake Center. Living Creche. President Knightly will portray Joseph Smith.

Monday, December 21, 1:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Primary Christmas Party. The children will write letters to Joseph Smith, then decorate hat and peep stone cookies.

Tuesday, December 22, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Screening of It's a Wonderful Life--LDS version. Courtesy of Provo based Moral Movies, Inc., the name of Jimmy Stewart's character has been changed from George Bailey to Joseph Smith.

Wednesday, December 23, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Holiday Pot Luck. After dinner there will be a special visit from "Joseph and his Elves." (Played by Bishop Z and the Beehive class.)

Thursday, December 24, 7:00 PM. Priesthood-only viewing of church produced, The Passion of the Joseph. Rated X for historical accuracy.

Friday, December 25, 7:00 AM. The stake sing-along of Handel's The Joseph.

Also remember to donate generously to the Joseph Smith Annual Giving Fund, benefiting the protection of traditional marriage.

'Tis the Season!

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Holiday Talking Points For Mormons

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Send the right message this season


As all of you know, the forces of evil have gathered to undermine the campaign of the one and only true candidate, Mitt Romney. If we are to prevail against this anti-Mormon element, we must take control of the message so there is no longer any confusion over how we and the candidate stand on the issues. In that light, the Stake Public Affairs Council has composed a variety of Christmas messages, each crafted for a specific audience. Please divide your holiday cards in the following manner:

To our Evangelical Christian friends:

As members of The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints, we celebrate the birth of JESUS CHRIST  by reading our KING JAMES BIBLES and bearing witness to our fellow CHRISTIANS that JESUS CHRIST is our personal savior. We also remind you that Utah is the most conservative state in the country.

Merry CHRISTmas from your brothers and sisters in CHRIST!

To our Tea Party Friends:

As believing Mormons, we pray that 2012 brings lower taxes, an increase in racial profiling, English only in the schools, an end to Obamacare, and a return to the traditional values that made the good old US of A the greatest country on earth. We also remind you that Utah recently passed one of the country's strictest anti-immigration laws.

Merry Christmas to our fellow natural born citizens who aren't afraid of hard work!

To our independent friends:

As devout followers of the faith of our fathers, we hope that the New Year brings an end to polarized politics, the senseless bickering in Washington, and the blurring of the line between church and state. Also don't forget that Utah has "the best snow on earth."

Happy Holidays to our fellow iconoclasts and non-conformists.

To our liberal friends:

As members of an ethnically diverse minority faith, we hope that 2012 brings us closer to the day when everyone is treated equally, regardless of race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation. We remind you that Utah was one of the first states to give women the vote.

Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Buon Natale, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, and Aloha!

To our LDS friends:

Forget Christmas, December marks the birth of our beloved prophet, Joseph Smith. (Jesus's birthday isn't until April.) Also it's tithing settlement time, so instead of buying presents, you need to pony up the dough to your local bishop, and toss in a little extra for good measure. We remind you that the Salt Lake shopping mall the church owns isn't doing so well, and the prophet has a new ad campaign to fund.

Merry and Happy, now get back to work.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you didn't get the memo.

An Exmormon Christmas Carol

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Our Family's Christmas

Millie Loomis's recent e-mail about her family's Thanksgiving prompted the San Francisco post-Mormons to explore new ways to celebrate the holidays. While spending Christmas with the believing LDS family may be traditional, it is not exactly merry and bright. At times, TBM family gatherings can reduce a gentle, reason-loving ex-Mormon into a hysterical, head-banging nut-job.

Rather than pad the walls of our parents' guest rooms, we decided to create a new family -- one we were neither born into nor assigned to visit. A "family of the heart," if you will. Or, in our case, a sanctuary city.

Our season commenced with a Post-Mormon Oakland Temple Light Excursion. Instead of the stop-off at the local Roundtable Pizza, we opted for Monaghans on the Hill, with its superior food and full bar! Mark and I bailed on visiting the temple grounds after. But the others reported that the lights looked amazingly good after a few cocktails, and the conversation with the missionaries flowed nicely as well.

"God only knows" where we'd be
without them!

Next came the Annual Christmas Concert, only this year we switched out the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at the Conference Center for The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus at the Castro Theater.

The performance of O Holy Night -- worth four times the admission price. 

The chorus director's introduction of the theme from Big Love that included a mention of "those crazy Mormons" -- priceless.

Then on Christmas day, instead of piling into our cars and heading to the usual creamed soup/jell-o extravaganzas, we hung at our house for a Post-Mormon Christmas Dinner. It was laid back, with very few decorations, although I did put up the usual tribute to our (former) Savior.

Instead of a blessing on the food, we began with prosecco and limoncello cocktails. They definitely invited the spirit, and great conversation as well.

Below are pictures of some SF ex-Mormons being merry and bright.

Extreme caution advised!

                                               

As for the traditional "ringing in of the New Year?" We sure as hell won't be at the Stake Center dancing to this with the Single Adults:

Thanks, Insana D,  for forwarding me this smokin' hot video!!

We'll be together again,celebrating the end of yet another year of freedom and authenticity, and toasting to the beginning of the next. There will be delicious food and drink, welcoming and non-judgmental companionship, and, of course, the traditional "lightmindedness, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the Lord's anointed."

Psst, Abbottsville Fourth Ward, come hang with us on New Year's Eve. You know you want to!

And I'm A (Mormon) Christian!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: 'Tis the season for PR!

Our inspired leaders in Salt Lake City have instructed us to use the Christmas Season to remind the world that Mormons are a diverse group of hard-working do-gooders like all other CHRISTIANS.

Knowing the difficulty of this assignment, the church has continued to invest in an ad campaign that profiles successful, "hip and edgy" Mormons. I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Stake to include the message below in your holiday greetings to your non-member friends, especially those living in Louisiana, Colorado, Florida, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota.

Hi, I'm Lucas,

I'm one of the 100 richest men in San Francisco. 


I own a company that cleans up oil slicks. Even during a recession, I'm always in demand!

This Christmas, I plan on giving back by donating all my old clothes to Good Will, then going to the mall and buying new ones.


As a devout CHRISTIAN, my favorite pastimes are reciting the Lord's Prayer and reading the King James Version of the Bible.

Only 2 tubs on the beach for now ...

I have been married for thirty years to ONE woman.


We have four children. They also love reading the King James Version of the Bible.

The Fab Four

On the weekends my buddies and I perform at a little club on Mission Street. 


We're a diverse group. And when we get going, we're smokin' hot.

I put my garments back on as soon as
I'm done

After that we take in the sights, and, if it's warm enough, we stop at one of San Francisco's nude beaches.

I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a CHRISTIAN, a musician, and a monogamist. I have a King James Version of the Bible, and a oil clean-up rig capable of igniting the Pacific Ocean. I'm a husband, a father, and a nudist. 


My name is Lucas Tweedy,

and I'm a Mormon.

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It's Family Christmas Letter Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ruth Turley, Relief Society Enrichment Leader
Subject: Merry Christmas from the Turley Family!

It's that wonderful time of year again, when we gather together as families, catch up with loved ones, and celebrate the season in the spirit of Christian charity.

In these trying economic times, when so many are facing unemployment, bankruptcy, and foreclosure, H. LaVar and I feel super blessed to be living in our brand new 5,000 square foot home, complete with a swimming pool, jacuzzi, and four car garage.

Be it ever so humble

Anywho, none of our possessions, not even our awesome new flat screen, are more precious to us than our six (soon to be seven) beautiful children.

Our year in review:

Tommy (14) participated in football, basketball, baseball, lacrosse, volleyball, choir, band, debate, chess club and yoga. Then on his 14th birthday, he added Stake Dances to his list of activities! At first the girls wouldn't dance with him. -- One even called him "booger." But a box of Kleenex, a little Clearasil and more frequent showers improved his luck with the ladies. (Only H. LaVar is now worried that some of Tommy's showers have been a little too long, and maybe include an "unclean" activity, if you get my drift. -- Time for a father-son sit down.)

Tessie (12) continued to be the sweet spirit she was destined to become, helping Mommy cook, clean, babysit, garden, iron, make curtains, and sell NuSkin products. As a first year Beehive, she dove into the Young Women's Personal Progress program by crocheting 100 hot pads and donating them to the poor. Even more exciting, this fall we purchased her first training bra, which can only mean a certain grown-up event is about to take place!! (Will keep everyone posted.)

Timmy (10) magnified his calling as future missionary by passing out Book of Mormons to everyone on the block, tracting out "golden contacts" door to door, and calling our neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Mayfield, to repentance when he spotted some empty wine bottles in their recycle. He also served as an elementary school hall monitor and cited many infractions.

Teddy (8) did nothing, as usual. We now wonder if his August baptism may have been invalid in some way, and are toying with the idea of performing the ordinance again.

Toby (6) managed to survive the year with only eight trips to the ER. Thanks to that irrepressible little rascal, we've had to replace the Mayfield's front window, the stage curtains in the ward cultural hall, the motor on the Abbottsville Mall escalator, and H. LaVar's new chainsaw. We hope he makes it through 2011, because life wouldn't be the same without his special little spirit.

Terry (3) is so adorably curious! Everywhere we go he wants to know "why?" For example, "Why doesn't Brother Crawford take the sacrament?" or "Why did Bishop Zimmerman go into the liquor store?" or "Why's that noise coming out of Mr. and Mrs. Mayfield's bedroom window?" There's just no squelching his inquisitive mind, and we wouldn't dream of trying. H. LaVar and I make a point of answering all of his questions in detail.

H. LaVar has had a great year. In spite of the bad economy, he was promoted twice and received a ginormous raise and bonus. But humble guy that he is, he attributes his success merely to hard work, clean living, his support of traditional marriage, his obedience to the one and only true church, and his righteousness in the Pre-Existence. He continues to serve as Ward Mission Leader, a calling that has blessed him with many spiritual experiences.

As for me, I've been pregnant since June, meaning that half my year has been spent hurling into the toilet. Nevertheless, I am grateful for my divine role. Every time I lean over the bowl, I thank Heavenly Father that I am a Mother in Zion. I also am grateful that as the Relief Society Enrichment Leader, I am able to share my culinary talents with the sisters.

I'd like to go on, but Toby has run off with the keys to our Suburban, the nut loaf I'm baking for the Mayfields has caught fire in the oven, and little Terry just asked, "Why is Tommy moaning in the shower?"

So anywho,

Merry Christmas!!

Love, The Turleys

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we insist you submit to an interrogation by Terry Turley.