New PR Campaign to Precede Next Essay

LDS Church Leaders Plan Next PR Blitz 
Salt Lake News -- published November 21, 2014

Drawing on what they consider to be a successful response to their recent essay, Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo, the Brethren have approved the roll out of yet another monthlong PR campaign, this time in preparation for their next topical essay: A Complete Disclosure of LDS Church Finances. 

"We were worried about how the plural marriage essay was going to be received," said church spokesperson, Leonard George. "Then the General Authorities came up with this member-driven ad campaign. It was brilliant, really." 

"Sure, the average church member was sorry to learn that our founding prophet was guilty of polygamy, polyandry, adultery and statutory rape," George admitted. "But it was so much easier for him to put all of that aside after he'd spent the month boasting online about his church affiliation and plugging a feature length documentary about us. The Brethren figure the members will need the same kind of incentive before they learn where their money really goes."

Details of the advertising effort have not yet been released. But inside sources say members will again be called upon to change their social media status to another en masse meme such as, "I'm a Mormon and I Tithe." 

Also production has begun on a new documentary, one that will focus on individual Mormons and the many sacrifices they make for their church and in their communities. 

"Just like Meet the Mormons was a timely reminder that most Latter-day Saints are monogamous, law-abiding citizens, we hope this new documentary will demonstrate how generous and ethical some of us are," George explained.

Nevertheless, there is a significant number of LDS Church members who have become disaffected with their faith after reading the revelatory essays on the official LDS website, the most recent being about Joseph Smith's womanizing.

"Frankly, we're not surprised," said George. "Some people are just easily offended and want to sin."

Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo - Additional Explanations

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Additional Explanations from the Brethren

Because there continues to be "got-ya" questions from the less faithful who frequent certain anti-Mormon websites like here and here, the Brethren have published some additional explanations for polygamy in Kirtland and Nauvoo, again employing their usual inspired logic. Read below:

Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo - 

Additional Explanations

________________________________________

Joseph Smith faced many challenges after he received the revelation to practice plural marriage. At one point, a mob, led by the brother of one of his spirit wives, dragged Joseph from his house and threatened to castrate him. The threat of castration, serious by today's standards, was considered harmless in that era, akin to a fraternity prank, or a kidnap breakfast. Joseph encountered many such mobs and knew fully well that they were just joshing. In this specific case, he was only tarred and feathered. 

In another instance, Joseph approached the bedside of a fair maiden and asked if he could sleep with her. When she declined, he reminded her that it was the will of the Lord that she succumb. When she still refused, he offered her $5.00. Rebuffed again, Joseph left her bedside, sought out the maiden's husband, and successfully exchanged 8 cows for a night with the man's wife. The story went on to become the inspiration for a popular film on the Hallmark Channel.

On June 7, 1844, the first edition of the Nauvoo Expositor criticized the practice of plural marriage. Very little was published or recorded after that as Joseph Smith declared the paper a public nuisance and ordered the press destroyed. Because of this and other similar actions by Joseph, some ambiguity will always accompany our knowledge of early Mormon polygamy. Like Joseph's spirit wives and their husbands, we "see through a glass darkly" and are asked to walk by faith.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails a mob might show up at your door and threaten to castrate you. Just joshing.

Celebrating The Season -- Mormon Style

Note to my dear Readers: this post was originally published on December 15, 2009 when the only people reading my blog were either family members or people who owed me money. I trotted it out for a second run in the hope that more might enjoy it, also so I could have a little break to eat, drink, be merry, and hopefully gain some inspiration. Enjoy and happy holidays!


To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Activities Committee
Subject: Holiday Calendar

As Christmas approaches, we remind all in the ward to honor our Savior by attending the following:

Saturday, December 19, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Relief Society Craft Extravaganza. Sisters will make Palmyra nativity scenes and Angel Moroni tree toppers.

Sunday, December 20, 7:00 PM, Stake Center. Living Creche. President Knightly will portray Joseph Smith.

Monday, December 21, 1:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Primary Christmas Party. The children will write letters to Joseph Smith, then decorate hat and peep stone cookies.

Tuesday, December 22, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Screening of It's a Wonderful Life--LDS version. Courtesy of Provo based Moral Movies, Inc., the name of Jimmy Stewart's character has been changed from George Bailey to Joseph Smith.

Wednesday, December 23, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Holiday Pot Luck. After dinner there will be a special visit from "Joseph and his Elves." (Played by Bishop Z and the Beehive class.)

Thursday, December 24, 7:00 PM. Priesthood-only viewing of church produced, The Passion of the Joseph. Rated X for historical accuracy.

Friday, December 25, 7:00 AM. The stake sing-along of Handel's The Joseph.

Also remember to donate generously to the Joseph Smith Annual Giving Fund, benefiting the protection of traditional marriage.

'Tis the Season!

If you want to stop receiving these e-mails, contact the ward financial clerk and have your credit card handy.

The Wisdom of Joseph Smith

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: KBYU Programming Highlight

For those of you who missed watching last night's panel of BYU Religion Instructors, here is a transcript of the KBYU program.

Panel Participants:
Homer B. Goodwin, PhD, professor of Ancient American Studies
T. Vernon Price, PhD, professor of War in Heaven Strategies
LaVar Featherstone, PhD, professor of Adamic Languages

Goodwin: Tonight we will discuss the prophet Joseph Smith. Brethren, let's begin by naming our favorite of Joseph's teachings. Dr. Price, you start.

Price: I'd say his admonition to "teach men correct principles then let them govern themselves."


Goodwin: Ah yes, Dr. Price, what an excellent concept. Joseph strongly believed in the inherent freedom of the individual.

Price: He certainly prized his own freedom.

Featherstone: Freedom is a box.

Price: Say what?


Featherstone: Freedom is a box. (outlines a square with his index fingers) A box.

Goodwin: I see, Dr. Featherstone. Very sage. Very sage indeed.

Price: I still don't get it.


Goodwin: Let's move on. The prophet Joseph also taught that the path to freedom is found through obedience.

Price: True. He obeyed his Heavenly Father's every command, even when it meant cheating on his wife, swindling his neighbor, breaking the law, and violating every code of common decency.

Goodwin: Imagine the sacrifice Joseph made when he obeyed the doctrine of plural marriage. He took on a huge burden. Some of the girls were quite young.

Price: (nods) Teenagers.

Goodwin: And don't forget he also married other men's wives. Think of the courage! Why, he could have been killed by a number of jealous husbands.

Price: Got to admit, the man had guts, not to mention stamina -- 41 wives in total.

Goodwin: I thought 33.

Price: Well now, let's see. (counts off on his fingers) There was Fanny, Lucinda, Louisa, Zina, Presendia, Vienna . . .

Goodwin: (raises his hands to a halt) We can't be sure about Vienna. I mean, yes, there is evidence of some flirtation, maybe even fondling . . .

Price: No, I'm pretty sure they went all the way.

Goodwin: Based on what?


Price: She lived in his house.

Goodwin: Just because a woman lived in Joseph's house doesn't mean she was sleeping with him.

Price: You're kidding, right?

Goodwin: Good point.

Price: The number of women doesn't really matter. The important thing is, when the spirit prompted him, he rose to the occasion.

Goodwin: Exactly. He was the picture of obedience.

Featherstone: Obedience is a closet.

Goodwin: Pure genius Dr. Featherstone! Pure genius!

Price: What the [expletive deleted] does that mean?

Goodwin: Let's go on. One thing that amazes me about Joseph Smith is that he had no example, no one to teach him how to be a prophet.


Price: He was an original, all right.


Goodwin: Completely on his own, with only the spirit to guide him.

Price: It's like he made it up as he went along.

Goodwin: Indeed he did, and thanks to him we are now members of an organization that will bring us eternal happiness.

Featherstone: Happiness is a nail.

Goodwin: Ah, what perspicacity! 

Price: Featherstone have you been smoking [deleted]?


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails we'll assume you've been smoking [deleted].

Fast and Testimony Mad Libs!

To: Donna Banta
From: Mark Crawford
Subject: Surviving Fast and Testimony Meeting

Dear Donna,

Mother called last night to tell me that she's visiting the first weekend in November. By now Mother has come to terms with the fact that I live with a man and that I am no longer active in the church. (Only when I told her I didn't think the church was true anymore she responded with, "Oh p-shaw.") Nevertheless, she will no doubt expect Byron and I to do the three hour Sunday marathon with her, including the dreaded Fast and Testimony Meeting.

Upon learning this frightening news, Byron mercifully mixed a pitcher of martinis, and together we created the following "survival game."

Fast and Testimony Mad Libs

I would indeed be  __adjective__  if I didn't stand today and  __verb__  my  __noun__. At this time I would like to publicly thank my Heavenly Father for all my  __plural noun__. 

Lately I have been persecuted by some of my non- __noun__  co-workers. They mock me because I wear sacred  __plural noun__  under my clothes, don't  __verb__  or drink __liquid__,  refuse to have more than one piercing in my  __body part__, won't have  __bodily function__  outside of  __proper noun__ ,  and believe that I can one day become a  __noun__. Finally I drew up my courage and bore testimony of the one and only true  __noun__ . They felt the  __noun__,  and their  __plural body part__  were softened.

I am reminded of my  __cardinal number__   great grandfather who was  __verb__  by an  __adjective__  mob, then forced to cross the plains with nothing more than a  __noun__  and  __noun__. At least he had his faith in  __proper noun__  and a knowledge of the Book of  __humorous fictional character__  to sustain him. 

I know the church is  __adjective__.  I know Joseph Smith was a  __noun__.  I know that Thomas S. Monson is a  __noun__  of  __noun__  who  __verb__  the  church today.

And finally, brothers and sisters, if I have offended any of you,  __verb__  my  __body part__.

In the name of  __your favorite comedian or cartoon character__,  amen.

I testify to you, Donna, that this game, when paired with multiple martinis, is a deeply spiritual experience. Will  see how it compares with the real deal with Mother.

Regards,

Mark

Happy Birthday Ward Gossip!

To: The wonderful people who follow my blog
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Ward Gossip is one year old today!

A year ago today, I began posting the e-mails I receive from the Abbottsville Fourth ward for you, my wonderful readers. In honor of this anniversary, and in a flagrant act of self-congratulations, I invite you to revisit the year in review:

We began in September when Bishop Paul Zimmerman made the following confession:

"My apologies to the young men in the ward who mistakenly received my employer's form 10-Q quarterly report last week. My intended message, "Hands Off: Tips on Avoiding Masturbation," was sent to the Securities and Exchange Commission."

In October, Brother H. LeVar Turley declared, Holy Fetch! These folks would make great Mormons:

President and Mrs. Carter

President and Mrs. Reagan

President and Mrs. H. W. Bush

President and Mrs. George W. Bush

President Bill Clinton

Chelsea Clinton

Socks and Buddy Clinton

Barack Obama's mother

In November Stake Single Adults Leaders, Ricky and Mindy Foote, decided to cancel the Swinging Seventies Party after the Stake Singles obtained a pair of Ricky's old Scooby-doo underpants and engaged in a bidding war over them on e-Bay. Also because nobody turned in their Official Worthiness Questionnaire.

Then December rolled around and the Abbottsville Fourth Ward Celebrated the Season, Mormon Style with a week-long party that included a visit to the Cultural Hall by "Joseph and his Elves," a priesthood-only viewing of The Passion of the Joseph (rated X for historical accuracy) and a stake sing-a-long of Handel's The Joseph.

January proved to be a full month.

First Former Stake President Taylor described his visit to Southern Utah and the site of the Mountain Meadows Massacre:

"I recalled the St. George I visited as a boy. A stark, dry planet hanging in the void. Even in the 1940's, the town was much like Brigham Young intended, a solitary outpost, accessible by a single road, shunned and left to itself, a deep compost of Mormon shame."

Then an old e-mail for former Bishop Loomis (whose shocking murder has yet to be solved) provided the blog with its most popular post, LDS Temple Garments: Wear Them Or Else. Thanks to a mass fascination with secret Mormon underwear, or underwear in general, this post gets at least 5 or 10 hits a day. So far my favorite search words are:

mum lets me borrow her panty girdle if I promise not to soil it

And the Young Women Were Keepin' Busy with a super special class schedule:

Beehives: "Avoid All Loud Laughter." Girls will practice quiet tittering.
Mia Maids: "Self-Reliance Part II." Learn how to turn your glue gun into a money-maker.
Laurels: "What I Really Want for Graduation." Breast implants or a car, which will take me where I need to go?

In February See Zion First! Mormon Travel and Tours unveiled some of its summer excursions, including a Book of Mormon tour that visits the Tree of Life, the Waters of Mormon, the Rameumpton, and 

"El Footsteps de Nephi Trading Post, where proprietor Manny "Moroni" Gonzales stocks a host of treasures, such as authentic pieces of Nephi's steel bow and chunks of Lehi's ship. (Cash only, all sales final, vendor is armed and does not have access to the safe.)"

Scroll down to March to read how the Three Nephites Shaped History. According to Ward Spiritual Giant, Sid Dooley, the Three Nephites,  

"might have been with Lincoln at Gettysburg, probably were with Kennedy during the Cuban missile crisis, and definitely were with George W. Bush during the Florida Recount."

In April the LDS Young Women Think PINK! when they are assigned to:

"List the divine qualities you were endowed with in the Pre-Existence, such as sweetness, subservience, thriftiness, buxomness, a flair for macrame, a profound lack of curiosity, etc. Pick your favorite divine quality and embroider it onto a PINK pillow case using PINK thread and surrounding it with pretty PINK flowers or sea horses."

Sister Millie Loomis took a See Zion First! tour of Paris in May, and came home to claim,

"Only the Church could send us on a trip like this."

Ex-Mormon spies TBM's at Giants game

In June the Mormons kept a low profile at the San Francisco Giants' Game.







July brought panic to the Abbottsville Stake Singles when President Knightly suspended the Single Adult program. That is, until the single sisters realize their divine roll in the church and the single brethren stop being menaces to society.


And thanks to the inspired "And I'm a Mormon" ad campaign, in August we met Brian, who proudly proclaimed:

I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a recycler, and a biker. I have a $75,000 watch, and a friend who might be gay. I'd love to buy your home for cheap. I am a husband, a father, and a masochist. My name is Brian Swensen, 

and I'm a Mormon.

Now here we are in September. One year and 56 posts later.

I must add that the really "funny -- interesting -- cool" writing is in the comment field. For example:

  In October, Sarah  said,

"Our stake presidency wasn't so great at filtering the music for our youth dances . . . they allowed "Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys and "I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz II Men for several months before getting a clue! Not to worry, we just sang "I'll make cookies with you" instead. Yes, for real!"

In November, Anonymous said,

"Mormons NEVER acknowledge art unless its created by a faithful member of their own tribe. I remember the so-called Rodin exhibit at BYU. "

In February, flattopSF asked,

"Can you forward (me) the address for that Abbottsville Leather, Latex and Fetish Factory? It may come in handy some day."

In April, My Temple Name is Deborah suggested,

"Mormons should hire you as a PR consultant and pay you the big bucks." 

In May, Insana D said,

"What the LDS love to proclaim, "The church is the same wherever you go" is a bit like a self condemnation. It's like saying, We are the McDonald's of Religions. McMormon nuggets, all lined up and pasty fatty white, deep fried, overcooked, pressed meat like and completely tasteless. MMMM, McMormons!" 

And Chino Blanco made my day when he told me,

"You've got all kinds of win going on here."

 In July, Donavan, the 4th Nephite said,

"Gay heaven looks very similar, except there are drag queens who LOOK like the above and MORE Calvin Klein or D&G (Dolce and Gabanna) underwear models running around. Nearly naked. And looking ever-fit and tan."

In August, Steve said,

"Judging by those garden gnomes, I think the rice krispy treats sold so well because they were laced with mushrooms. Yikes!"

This September, goodbye kitty asked,

"Donna, can i sit next to you in hell?"

Ahab said,

"Aye aye aye. BYU sounds "interesting", to say the least!"

Leah  said,

"I find it ironic that so many Mormons get upset when people say they're not Real Christians, and yet they feel entitled to define what is and isn't a Real Mormon. Or to define Real Marriage, for that matter."  

He's back by popular demand

Lisa said,

"thanks for the pic going with the "intimacy in marriage" class, mmm ;) "

And Carla said,

"What really, really makes me sick is when people blame violence on everything but the real cause: poverty."

That's only an abbreviated sampling of the great comments I've received, and I appreciate every one, almost as much as I enjoy reading your blogs.

 All in all, it's been a good year for me, the blog, and the Saints from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward.

Since it doesn't look like they will be taking me off their e-mail list any time soon, is there a particular ward member you would like to hear more from? Or a topic you might like to further explore? (I already know about the underwear.) While I don't pretend to have any clout (not having priesthood and all), I can at least send the bishop a cheerful suggestion now and then . . . anything to please you, my wonderful readers.

Post-Mormon "Conference" at the San Francisco Ferry Building -- Visitors Welcome

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Psst! Abbottsville Fourth Ward, are you bored with General Conference yet?

Think how you'll feel this time tomorrow. Turn off your TV sets and come to the Post-Mormon "conference" instead.

You know you want to.

There will be a resurrection reenactment as promised, and we need more women to play Joseph Smith's wives.

See you there!

Mormons Urged To Stifle Their General Conference Critiques

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: LDS General Conference calls for civil discourse.

Since the ward's mass defection on "Super-bowl Sunday," I have visited with most of you, and, as promised, I have listened to and addressed your concerns. Recently, some have complained that the upcoming General Conference again interferes with your Easter weekend. Understand that the Easter holiday is first and foremost about our Savior, and not about fancy hats, baskets and egg hunts. That being said, you are free to have family egg hunts and basket exchanges -- on Saturday morning before the first session begins at 9:00 AM. Also, the sisters and girls may wear their pretty church hats while watching the Sunday sessions in their family rooms. Now, as to the conference itself, I know that many of you have strong opinions about it's length, content, and the LDS General Authorities personally. We all have a right to our opinions, but we also have a responsibility to set good examples. Brothers and sisters, I urge you this weekend to keep your reactions to the conference talks civil, and in your indoor voices. In that spirit, I've compiled some alternative ways of conveying the thoughts you've so generously shared with me.

"This is the most mind-numbingly boring crap I've ever seen on television."

Change to:

"Golly, you don't see this kind of action on HBO."
________

"Why are we wasting our time with this drivel? We should be outside playing with our kids."

Change to:

"Isn't it nice that the Church doesn't charge us money to watch this?"
________

"That Elder So and So makes me so @#$%-ing mad, I want to reach through the television screen and wring his blubbery neck!"  

Change to:

"As usual, Elder So and So has me on the edge of my seat."
________

"I don't want another lecture from some horny old coot about masturbation and porn addiction."

Change to:

"Perhaps the Prophet was speaking as a man just then."
________

"Boyd K. Packer is a homophobic, misogynistic, anti-intellectual $%#-hole and certifiably insane."

Change to:

"Man, that Boyd K. Packer's a card. They oughta supply him with a laugh track."
________

"Does anyone still believe that bull-@#$% about the gold plates?"

Change to:

"I think I'll keep my thoughts to myself."

As you can see, brothers and sisters, I am more than willing to work with you, and expect you as a ward to extend me the same courtesy. Heaven forbid we have another Sunday like last February 7, when I walked in to find the chapel, as some of you might put it, "as empty as a Scottish pay toilet."

While there is no finer tribute to our Savior than LDS General Conference, don't forget to also mark the following date on your calendars:

Friday, April 2, 7:00 PM, Abbottsville Convention Center. Tri-stake Extravaganza: The Resurrection -- On Ice! Former Olympian and Abbottsville Second Ward member, Greg Cooper, will skate the role of Joseph Smith.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you a bill for General Conference.

Celebrating the Season, Mormon Style

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Activities Committee
Subject: Holiday Calendar

As Christmas approaches, we remind all in the ward to honor our Savior by attending the following:

Saturday, December 19, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Relief Society Craft Extravaganza. Sisters will make Palmyra nativity scenes and Angel Moroni tree toppers.

Sunday, December 20, 7:00 PM, Stake Center. Living Creche. President Knightly will portray Joseph Smith.

Monday, December 21, 1:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Primary Christmas Party. The children will write letters to Joseph Smith, then decorate hat and peep stone cookies.

Tuesday, December 22, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Screening of It's a Wonderful Life--LDS version. Courtesy of Provo based Moral Movies, Inc., the name of Jimmy Stewart's character has been changed from George Bailey to Joseph Smith.

Wednesday, December 23, 7:00 PM, Ward Meeting House. Holiday Pot Luck. After dinner there will be a special visit from "Joseph and his Elves." (Played by Bishop Z and the Beehive class.)

Thursday, December 24, 7:00 PM. Priesthood-only viewing of church produced, The Passion of the Joseph. Rated X for historical accuracy.

Friday, December 25, 7:00 AM. The stake sing-along of Handel's The Joseph.

Also remember to donate generously to the Joseph Smith Annual Giving Fund, benefiting the protection of traditional marriage.

'Tis the Season!

If you want to stop receiving these e-mails, contact the ward financial clerk and have your credit card handy.