The Three Nephites Rescue Mormons and Shape History

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Brother Sid Dooley, Ward Spiritual Giant

Subject: The Three Nephites: A Historical Perspective

Faithful Mormons have long been grateful for the Three Nephites, that selfless trio from the Book of Mormon who begged the Lord to let them tarry on the earth in order to help the faithful. We've heard countless stories about the mysterious stranger who helped elderly Sister So-and-So across the street, or stopped a thug from deflowering a sister missionary.

But the Mormons aren't their only charges. The Three Nephites have labored the entire globe, tirelessly doing the Lord's work. Sometimes right under our noses. For example, next time you see the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware, take a good look at who's rowing the boat. Then compare him to the guy sticking the flagpole in the ground at Iwo Jima. Coincidence? I think not.

Over the years the Three Nephites have moved seamlessly in and out of LDS and Gentile society, molding the Saints into the superior culture God destined us to become, and preparing the world for its eventual conversion to Mormonism. After careful research, I have come to conclude the Three Nephites might have been with Lincoln at Gettysburg, probably were with Kennedy during the Cuban missile crisis, and definitely were with George W. Bush during the Florida Recount.

There have also been noticeable lapses in their influence. For instance, when their involvement in the Nixon administration ended in their simultaneous incarceration. Likewise in the late-nineties when all three did a stint at the Betty Ford Clinic. (Upon completion of their work in The Big Lebowski.) More recently two of the three were hospitalized after an accident on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney. These ill-timed absences may explain the disco sensation, the Dole campaign, and Snakes on a Plane.

Late one night I was driving along a stretch of deserted highway, when one of my tires hit an unidentifiable object. I pulled off the road to find it completely flattened. It was dark and cold, and I had no car jack in my trunk. Then out of nowhere a man appeared on foot, jack in hand. At once I recognized him as one of Three Nephites, and greeted him with an enthusiastic embrace.

"Brother Nephite," I said. "The Lord alerted you to my distress and you have come to my rescue."

His blue eyes glinted and a trace of a smile crossed his face. "I thought somebody might need a hand, yes."

I watched in silence as he effortlessly switched out my flat for my spare. Then he stood, stepped aside, and motioned me to my car.

"Tell me brother," I asked. "Do you ever grow weary of your nightly labors?"

"No," he replied. "It's like a gift that keeps on giving."

Precisely what I expected he would say. 

I smiled, tipped my hat, climbed behind the wheel, and started my ignition. When I checked the rear view mirror, he was gone. Coincidentally, so was my wallet.

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