Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Traditional Marriage -- Mormon Style

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Delores Souter
Subject: Book Signing at Souter Formal Wear

A record crowd showed up last night to hear Sister Lucinda Wooley Featherstone Richards. She read the following excerpt from her recent best seller, Thinking Outside the Cultural Hall: Creating the Eternal LDS Wedding Experience:

Too often, LDS wedding receptions have the atmosphere of a church pot-luck, with the greediest and least deserving rushing into the Cultural Hall, swarming the refreshment table and pigging out, only to leave the gentle folk with barely a handful of stale mints. Such an environment is hardly conducive to the spirit of reverence such a sacred event demands. I prefer a more organized approach to mixing and mingling, where each guest is rewarded fairly, and is guaranteed the comfort zone of his or her peers.

All wedding seating plans were devised in the Pre-Existence. With that in mind, I suggest that dinner guests be divided and served in the following manner:

Mormon Royalty
General Authorities
Relatives of General Authorities
Descendants of the first Utah pioneers, 1847-48
  Serve 3 courses on the Cultural Hall stage.

Mormon Elite
Descendants of handcart companies and other post-Gold Rush groups
LDS Celebrities
 "     Athletes
 "     Billionaires
 "     Republican Politicians
Obnoxious LDS talk show hosts
Gladys Knight
People we are trying to convert to Mormonism
  Serve 2 courses in the front section of the Cultural Hall.

Common Everyday Mormons
We may not know their names or faces, but we sure know their works. These are the folks who run the nursery, teach Sunday school, deliver casseroles, help members move, lend us their pick-ups, man the ward car wash, and baby-sit our kids. It is only fair that these beloved workaholics be alloted a tasty and relaxing meal, before they have to kick back into gear and clean up after the reception.
  Serve an entree in the rear section of the Cultural Hall.

Recent Converts
Members who joined less than 20 years ago. (Except for those that qualify for Elite status.)
  Serve a dinner salad in the foyer.

People of Color!
Since we are a world church, it is important that we celebrate our diversity with a separate section for our People of Color!
Native Americans
Eastern Europeans
"New York Types"
Priesthood holders wearing off-white shirts and loud ties.
  Serve PB&J's in the kitchen.

Alternative Lifestyles
Includes but is not limited to:
Less Active members
Working moms
Stay at home dads
Families with less than 5 kids
Members without temple recommends and/or Costco cards
  Serve Cheerios in the Primary Room

People Who Flaunt Themselves 
Like it or not, they will always be with us.
  Group should be monitored by LDS security team. (I like Big Beefy Tongans, Inc.)
  Serve mixed nuts in the parking lot. (Burgers for the Tongans.)

After dinner all guests may gather in the Cultural Hall for an equally meted out square of wedding cake, symbolizing that as members of His church, we are all equal before God. (Additional Beefy Tongans may be needed to secure this event.)

Signed copies of Thinking Outside the Cultural Hall are available at Souter Formal Wear. Sister Wooley Featherstone Richards' previous book, Knowing Your Place: A Guide to Relief Society Seating Charts is in stock as well. Watch your e-mail for upcoming events!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll forward your request to Big Beefy Tongans, Inc.


  1. not just funny, hilarious!!!

  2. I repent!! I repent!! I've been avoiding all blogging for almost a year now and so have missed your fantastic sense of humor. I'm so sorry I tried to cure myself because your stuff is so hilarious, spot on accurate, and a perfect representation of the LDS experience.

    Thanks for this seating chart concept. It's good to know my place in LDS circles and explains why they just toss some cheerios at my feet and herd me into the nursery whenever I show up.