Mormons Urged To Stifle Their General Conference Critiques

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: LDS General Conference calls for civil discourse.

Since the ward's mass defection on "Super-bowl Sunday," I have visited with most of you, and, as promised, I have listened to and addressed your concerns. Recently, some have complained that the upcoming General Conference again interferes with your Easter weekend. Understand that the Easter holiday is first and foremost about our Savior, and not about fancy hats, baskets and egg hunts. That being said, you are free to have family egg hunts and basket exchanges -- on Saturday morning before the first session begins at 9:00 AM. Also, the sisters and girls may wear their pretty church hats while watching the Sunday sessions in their family rooms. Now, as to the conference itself, I know that many of you have strong opinions about it's length, content, and the LDS General Authorities personally. We all have a right to our opinions, but we also have a responsibility to set good examples. Brothers and sisters, I urge you this weekend to keep your reactions to the conference talks civil, and in your indoor voices. In that spirit, I've compiled some alternative ways of conveying the thoughts you've so generously shared with me.

"This is the most mind-numbingly boring crap I've ever seen on television."

Change to:

"Golly, you don't see this kind of action on HBO."
________

"Why are we wasting our time with this drivel? We should be outside playing with our kids."

Change to:

"Isn't it nice that the Church doesn't charge us money to watch this?"
________

"That Elder So and So makes me so @#$%-ing mad, I want to reach through the television screen and wring his blubbery neck!"  

Change to:

"As usual, Elder So and So has me on the edge of my seat."
________

"I don't want another lecture from some horny old coot about masturbation and porn addiction."

Change to:

"Perhaps the Prophet was speaking as a man just then."
________

"Boyd K. Packer is a homophobic, misogynistic, anti-intellectual $%#-hole and certifiably insane."

Change to:

"Man, that Boyd K. Packer's a card. They oughta supply him with a laugh track."
________

"Does anyone still believe that bull-@#$% about the gold plates?"

Change to:

"I think I'll keep my thoughts to myself."

As you can see, brothers and sisters, I am more than willing to work with you, and expect you as a ward to extend me the same courtesy. Heaven forbid we have another Sunday like last February 7, when I walked in to find the chapel, as some of you might put it, "as empty as a Scottish pay toilet."

While there is no finer tribute to our Savior than LDS General Conference, don't forget to also mark the following date on your calendars:

Friday, April 2, 7:00 PM, Abbottsville Convention Center. Tri-stake Extravaganza: The Resurrection -- On Ice! Former Olympian and Abbottsville Second Ward member, Greg Cooper, will skate the role of Joseph Smith.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you a bill for General Conference.