My Ex-Mormon Conference Weekend

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: My Conference Weekend

As I hinted in a post last month, I don't like looking at a sea of blue suits and white dress shirts, listening to bullshit stories about poor schlubs who blow their life savings on temple garments, mixing with old men who seem to know a gazillion people who like to look at porn, taking the advice of people who only want me to pay my tithing, or, in short, being bored out of my fucking mind.

So it was only natural that I passed on the 180th Semi-Annual General Conference of the LDS Church, and caught the Ex-Mormon Foundation Conference instead. It was a good decision.

It opened on Friday night with an awesome open mic that featured many first time attendees, all with fascinating stories to tell.

On Saturday Pamela McCreary inspired us with the story of her journey out of Mormonism and her eventual reconciliation with her believing family.

Jim Whitefield, author of Mormon Delusion, provided us with a spirited and sometimes hilarious expose of LDS doctrine and history.

Then Jeff Sharlet, author of The Family and C Street -- The Fundamentalist Threat to American Democracy, delivered a fascinating account of his investigative reporting of the fundamentalist movement in American politics. He also described his first tour of Temple Square. When he asked a sister missionary in the Visitors' Center about the LDS Church's involvement in legislation against gay marriage, the addled twenty-something avoided the question by turning on a video of Jeffrey R. Holland's recent conference address on -- what else -- INTERNET PORN! Honestly, is there no other subject?


Finally, Tal Bachman addressed the conference again, this time on the dual topics of "life after Mormonism" and "why is Gordon B. Hinckley smiling?" I especially appreciated his observation that we exmos need more than just Darwin to sustain us. We also need a community and a passion to replace what used to be our faith.

Speaking of community, there is none better than the attendees of the Ex-Mormon Conference. I had the pleasure of meeting the above speakers, Post-Mormon founder Jeff Ricks, Eric Davis, Cludgie, and the amazing Insana D. I also reconnected with Ms. Mom and Dr. Dad, Larry and Mikki, Jerry and Cheryl, The Brother of Jerry, Wine Country Girl, and a whole bunch of other feminists, gays and/or intellectuals, including these characters:

No worries on the drive home with one of the 3 Nephites at my side! 

Thanks to Sue Emmett, Chad Spjut and others for putting together another fantastic party!

View excerpts from the Ex-Mormon conference on The Iron Rod.

Happy Birthday Ward Gossip!

To: The wonderful people who follow my blog
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Ward Gossip is one year old today!

A year ago today, I began posting the e-mails I receive from the Abbottsville Fourth ward for you, my wonderful readers. In honor of this anniversary, and in a flagrant act of self-congratulations, I invite you to revisit the year in review:

We began in September when Bishop Paul Zimmerman made the following confession:

"My apologies to the young men in the ward who mistakenly received my employer's form 10-Q quarterly report last week. My intended message, "Hands Off: Tips on Avoiding Masturbation," was sent to the Securities and Exchange Commission."

In October, Brother H. LeVar Turley declared, Holy Fetch! These folks would make great Mormons:

President and Mrs. Carter

President and Mrs. Reagan

President and Mrs. H. W. Bush

President and Mrs. George W. Bush

President Bill Clinton

Chelsea Clinton

Socks and Buddy Clinton

Barack Obama's mother

In November Stake Single Adults Leaders, Ricky and Mindy Foote, decided to cancel the Swinging Seventies Party after the Stake Singles obtained a pair of Ricky's old Scooby-doo underpants and engaged in a bidding war over them on e-Bay. Also because nobody turned in their Official Worthiness Questionnaire.

Then December rolled around and the Abbottsville Fourth Ward Celebrated the Season, Mormon Style with a week-long party that included a visit to the Cultural Hall by "Joseph and his Elves," a priesthood-only viewing of The Passion of the Joseph (rated X for historical accuracy) and a stake sing-a-long of Handel's The Joseph.

January proved to be a full month.

First Former Stake President Taylor described his visit to Southern Utah and the site of the Mountain Meadows Massacre:

"I recalled the St. George I visited as a boy. A stark, dry planet hanging in the void. Even in the 1940's, the town was much like Brigham Young intended, a solitary outpost, accessible by a single road, shunned and left to itself, a deep compost of Mormon shame."

Then an old e-mail for former Bishop Loomis (whose shocking murder has yet to be solved) provided the blog with its most popular post, LDS Temple Garments: Wear Them Or Else. Thanks to a mass fascination with secret Mormon underwear, or underwear in general, this post gets at least 5 or 10 hits a day. So far my favorite search words are:

mum lets me borrow her panty girdle if I promise not to soil it

And the Young Women Were Keepin' Busy with a super special class schedule:

Beehives: "Avoid All Loud Laughter." Girls will practice quiet tittering.
Mia Maids: "Self-Reliance Part II." Learn how to turn your glue gun into a money-maker.
Laurels: "What I Really Want for Graduation." Breast implants or a car, which will take me where I need to go?

In February See Zion First! Mormon Travel and Tours unveiled some of its summer excursions, including a Book of Mormon tour that visits the Tree of Life, the Waters of Mormon, the Rameumpton, and 

"El Footsteps de Nephi Trading Post, where proprietor Manny "Moroni" Gonzales stocks a host of treasures, such as authentic pieces of Nephi's steel bow and chunks of Lehi's ship. (Cash only, all sales final, vendor is armed and does not have access to the safe.)"

Scroll down to March to read how the Three Nephites Shaped History. According to Ward Spiritual Giant, Sid Dooley, the Three Nephites,  

"might have been with Lincoln at Gettysburg, probably were with Kennedy during the Cuban missile crisis, and definitely were with George W. Bush during the Florida Recount."

In April the LDS Young Women Think PINK! when they are assigned to:

"List the divine qualities you were endowed with in the Pre-Existence, such as sweetness, subservience, thriftiness, buxomness, a flair for macrame, a profound lack of curiosity, etc. Pick your favorite divine quality and embroider it onto a PINK pillow case using PINK thread and surrounding it with pretty PINK flowers or sea horses."

Sister Millie Loomis took a See Zion First! tour of Paris in May, and came home to claim,

"Only the Church could send us on a trip like this."

Ex-Mormon spies TBM's at Giants game

In June the Mormons kept a low profile at the San Francisco Giants' Game.







July brought panic to the Abbottsville Stake Singles when President Knightly suspended the Single Adult program. That is, until the single sisters realize their divine roll in the church and the single brethren stop being menaces to society.


And thanks to the inspired "And I'm a Mormon" ad campaign, in August we met Brian, who proudly proclaimed:

I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a recycler, and a biker. I have a $75,000 watch, and a friend who might be gay. I'd love to buy your home for cheap. I am a husband, a father, and a masochist. My name is Brian Swensen, 

and I'm a Mormon.

Now here we are in September. One year and 56 posts later.

I must add that the really "funny -- interesting -- cool" writing is in the comment field. For example:

  In October, Sarah  said,

"Our stake presidency wasn't so great at filtering the music for our youth dances . . . they allowed "Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys and "I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz II Men for several months before getting a clue! Not to worry, we just sang "I'll make cookies with you" instead. Yes, for real!"

In November, Anonymous said,

"Mormons NEVER acknowledge art unless its created by a faithful member of their own tribe. I remember the so-called Rodin exhibit at BYU. "

In February, flattopSF asked,

"Can you forward (me) the address for that Abbottsville Leather, Latex and Fetish Factory? It may come in handy some day."

In April, My Temple Name is Deborah suggested,

"Mormons should hire you as a PR consultant and pay you the big bucks." 

In May, Insana D said,

"What the LDS love to proclaim, "The church is the same wherever you go" is a bit like a self condemnation. It's like saying, We are the McDonald's of Religions. McMormon nuggets, all lined up and pasty fatty white, deep fried, overcooked, pressed meat like and completely tasteless. MMMM, McMormons!" 

And Chino Blanco made my day when he told me,

"You've got all kinds of win going on here."

 In July, Donavan, the 4th Nephite said,

"Gay heaven looks very similar, except there are drag queens who LOOK like the above and MORE Calvin Klein or D&G (Dolce and Gabanna) underwear models running around. Nearly naked. And looking ever-fit and tan."

In August, Steve said,

"Judging by those garden gnomes, I think the rice krispy treats sold so well because they were laced with mushrooms. Yikes!"

This September, goodbye kitty asked,

"Donna, can i sit next to you in hell?"

Ahab said,

"Aye aye aye. BYU sounds "interesting", to say the least!"

Leah  said,

"I find it ironic that so many Mormons get upset when people say they're not Real Christians, and yet they feel entitled to define what is and isn't a Real Mormon. Or to define Real Marriage, for that matter."  

He's back by popular demand

Lisa said,

"thanks for the pic going with the "intimacy in marriage" class, mmm ;) "

And Carla said,

"What really, really makes me sick is when people blame violence on everything but the real cause: poverty."

That's only an abbreviated sampling of the great comments I've received, and I appreciate every one, almost as much as I enjoy reading your blogs.

 All in all, it's been a good year for me, the blog, and the Saints from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward.

Since it doesn't look like they will be taking me off their e-mail list any time soon, is there a particular ward member you would like to hear more from? Or a topic you might like to further explore? (I already know about the underwear.) While I don't pretend to have any clout (not having priesthood and all), I can at least send the bishop a cheerful suggestion now and then . . . anything to please you, my wonderful readers.

The Three Nephites Rescue Mormons and Shape History

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Brother Sid Dooley, Ward Spiritual Giant

Subject: The Three Nephites: A Historical Perspective

Faithful Mormons have long been grateful for the Three Nephites, that selfless trio from the Book of Mormon who begged the Lord to let them tarry on the earth in order to help the faithful. We've heard countless stories about the mysterious stranger who helped elderly Sister So-and-So across the street, or stopped a thug from deflowering a sister missionary.

But the Mormons aren't their only charges. The Three Nephites have labored the entire globe, tirelessly doing the Lord's work. Sometimes right under our noses. For example, next time you see the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware, take a good look at who's rowing the boat. Then compare him to the guy sticking the flagpole in the ground at Iwo Jima. Coincidence? I think not.

Over the years the Three Nephites have moved seamlessly in and out of LDS and Gentile society, molding the Saints into the superior culture God destined us to become, and preparing the world for its eventual conversion to Mormonism. After careful research, I have come to conclude the Three Nephites might have been with Lincoln at Gettysburg, probably were with Kennedy during the Cuban missile crisis, and definitely were with George W. Bush during the Florida Recount.

There have also been noticeable lapses in their influence. For instance, when their involvement in the Nixon administration ended in their simultaneous incarceration. Likewise in the late-nineties when all three did a stint at the Betty Ford Clinic. (Upon completion of their work in The Big Lebowski.) More recently two of the three were hospitalized after an accident on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney. These ill-timed absences may explain the disco sensation, the Dole campaign, and Snakes on a Plane.

Late one night I was driving along a stretch of deserted highway, when one of my tires hit an unidentifiable object. I pulled off the road to find it completely flattened. It was dark and cold, and I had no car jack in my trunk. Then out of nowhere a man appeared on foot, jack in hand. At once I recognized him as one of Three Nephites, and greeted him with an enthusiastic embrace.

"Brother Nephite," I said. "The Lord alerted you to my distress and you have come to my rescue."

His blue eyes glinted and a trace of a smile crossed his face. "I thought somebody might need a hand, yes."

I watched in silence as he effortlessly switched out my flat for my spare. Then he stood, stepped aside, and motioned me to my car.

"Tell me brother," I asked. "Do you ever grow weary of your nightly labors?"

"No," he replied. "It's like a gift that keeps on giving."

Precisely what I expected he would say. 

I smiled, tipped my hat, climbed behind the wheel, and started my ignition. When I checked the rear view mirror, he was gone. Coincidentally, so was my wallet.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, be prepared to either join AAA or pay for a tow truck.