Wednesday, January 20, 2010

LDS Temple Garments -- Wear Them or Else!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: The archives of Bishop Loomis
Subject: Temple Garment Policy

Having received a series of complaints over his advice to Doubting Mormons, Bishop Zimmerman decided the ward might like to revisit the following policy under former Bishop Brent Loomis, whose shocking murder last year remains unsolved.

Brothers and Sisters, I am impressed today to talk about your underwear. Those of you who have been through the temple enjoy the privilege of being clothed in the garment of the holy priesthood, and know the special protective powers this sacred underclothing provides. Consider the tragic stories of some of our near and dear. For instance Sister Maxwell, who snapped her neck after slipping in the tub, or Brother Fink, who dove into the shallow end of the pool. Neither was wearing garments, and now both are drooling idiots. Then there's poor departed Sister Quinn, who wandered outdoors in nothing more than her housecoat, brassiere and panty girdle, only to be flattened by a bus.

As I have said repeatedly, there is simply no reason to completely remove one's garments. The following are situations when one might partially remove the holy garment:
                                        1.  To bathe
                                        2.  To change into new garments.
                                        3.  For certain surgical procedures.
                                        4.  During sex. (Women only.)
                                        5.  For appearances on Dancing With the Stars.

As always, I advise ward members to exercise extreme caution during all of the above activities, due to your  heightened state of vulnerability. Consider the following example:

In light of this counsel, imagine my surprise when I saw Sister Elaine Miller at the local Safeway in work out clothes, her bikini panty-line protruding beneath the Lycra. Likewise when I spied Brother Harold jogging in a tank top and shorts, minus his garments, and seemingly without an athletic supporter as well. I now wonder if these and other ward members go everywhere without garments, even church. It's hard to tell what with those thick knit dresses or colored dress shirts. Brothers and Sisters, this simply will not do!

I am reminded of the faithful convert, Justo Velasquez, who labored patiently selling tamales on a street corner in Tegucigalpa, saving all of his pesos for a trip to the temple in Salt Lake City. When he finally completed the endowment session, his joy was so immense that he donned his garments over his dress suit and paraded around Temple Square with pride. Would that we all had such faith! There are times when I think that our garments should be worn on the outside, so there could be no confusion over our convictions. But that would no doubt give the non-member community yet another excuse to label us a bunch of kooks.

Instead I instruct all ward temple recommend holders to dress for church in blouses and shirts made from material shear enough to confirm he or she is clothed in the garment of the holy priesthood. I have no specific instruction on how your nether regions are covered, however I will have an eye out for that distinctive line above the knee. You may also expect unannounced visits from me during the week. This policy is effective immediately. For the sake of your safety, I can no longer allow you to hide your underwear.

***Update*** Brother Velasquez continues to serve out his sentence at the Happy Hill Sanitarium, where he was recently granted permission to use forks.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, then you probably need to put on your garments.


  1. Dear Bishop,

    Please note that although most would not consider my 5'6" physique "petite," the petite garments seem to fit me better than the regular long, baggy ones. I'd hate for the sacred garment to stick out from under my skirts!

    I'm just letting you know so when you check for my g-lines, you allow your eyes to wander several inches higher to the upper thigh area for the "line above the knee."

    Modest One

  2. Dear Modest One,
    I'm afraid Bishop Loomis allowed his eyes to wander up a number of sisters' thighs. It may have led to his premature demise.